boulderdude.3 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 ok, so my gf and i have been dating for over 2 1/2 years now and out of the blue she says she needs space and that we aren't right for each other. she told me she still loves me very much and that i am an amazing bf and do all of the right things but that she just wants to have time to herself without worrying about a relationship. she says she doesn't want to be so committed at such a young age. she is 21 and i am 25. background info: we met at work when she was 19 and i was 23, we still work together. one of my life goals was to do some traveling and i had had plans to go to taiwan for a year and we at one point decided maybe it would be fair to each other if we didn't date, but instantly (next day) we decided that was a terrible decision and that we would do the long distance thing and make it work no matter what. before i moved to taiwan i gave her a promise ring promising to be true to her and to come back for her loving her just as much or more when i came back. she was a little nervous about this when i gave it to her, i think the commitment level of a 'ring' i think scared her a bit. i moved to taiwan and stayed for a while and in the end decided she was more important of a goal in life that playing in taiwan for a year so i came back after a few weeks. i loved it there and wish she wasn't still in school as she would have come with me depending on her job situation after graduation. I just don't know what to do, it's been a week now and i've been having a really really hard time with the whole situation. i love her so much and honestly thought that she was the one that i would marry. we've talked a couple of times since breaking up and have seen each other at work, but i have been trying to give her the space she requested. it's just so hard not to talk to her, we've talked every day for over 2 1/2 years and out of nowhere i can't talk to her. i lost my gf and my best friend all in one blow. it's killing me! i've had so many feeling going through me lately i don't know what to think anymore. i know this girl very very well and we had an amazing relationship. in talking to her a couple days after the breakup we had a long conversation about what she wanted with her 'space'. she really didn't have any specific things. i honestly feel maybe i made her feel overly committed or smothered possibly and she just needs a bit to be free. it feels like it won't be over, but it also feels like i'm walking a thin line of giving her too much space and not giving her enough. i don't want to make her mad by talking to much right now, but i don't want to give her too much space where it might hurt the relationship. PLEASE HELP!!!!!
sardeen Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I kind of am going through the same thing except she decided not to travel to another country to be with me. She left me and I am giving her space. Please, please, please, give her that space and move on. Grow as a person and do all you can to forget about her. She does not feel you two are right for each other, so find someone who does. You are still young and trying to find yourself, do not let her tie you down if she is not a hundred percent into it. Most likely, people will give you similar advice and it will not be something you want to hear, but it is important advice to consider.
BoredAgain Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 The best thing to do is give her space and maintain "No Contact" as much as humanly possible (though I understand it may be difficult since you work together). Seriously, the more you try to push into her life, the more she will resent you for it. Let me ask you a couple quick questions: 1. Is there any sudden change in behavior? is she hanging out with a new group of friends, going to more clubs/bars than normal, drinking more, or doing other drugs? 2. Is there another guy in the picture? Not necessarily somebody she's cheating with, but maybe some new male friend that cropped up in the past few weeks?
Author boulderdude.3 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 no sudden change in behavior at all, no new friends, she doesn't drink, neither do i, both of us don't do drugs. no other guy in the picture that i know of. the 'trigger' to all of this i believe is i was texting her dad going to ask a question about a christmas idea for her mom and her, but he said his aunt just died so i responded the question is not a big deal i'll just talk to you about it next time i see you. so he asked my gf if she thought i was going to ask for her hand in marriage or what it was about because i didn't specify because he had a lot on his plate you know. that's when the day before she broke up with me she started acting wierd. i think she just got scared to be in such a serious relationship with her being so 'young' i asked her what she wanted to do while she was young that she needed space for and she didn't really have an answer for it other than thinking it would be nice to not make decisions with me in the back of her mind. this is just so unlike her to make such a harsh decision in such a short amount of time. i went to talk to her dad the other day and he said her family was extremely surprised that she ended it, they knew we were in love and a great couple. everyone that knows the both of us have all told me they never would have guessed that she'd break up with me like that. this is why i'm so lost, it's all way out of the ordinary.
BoredAgain Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 It's a terrible situation, but I suppose you just have to take her at her word that "it would be nice to not make decisions with [you] in the back of her mind." It's something that you can do absolutely nothing about except oblige by giving her the space she needs. Just don't take it personally. In these sort of situation, nothing you could have done would have prevented this. If she's not feeling the need to party and date around, then maybe she's just scared of the commitment involved in a long-term relationship... and that is HER issue, not yours. However, you can still move forward with your life (No Contact is pretty important for that) and use this opportunity to focus on improving yourself. Even if you want her back, which it sounds like you do, you'll still have to do the No Contact thing. She has to really see what it's like without you, meaning you can't be a crutch for her. More importantly, you don't want to be used by her like that.
Author boulderdude.3 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 we've all been through the i need my own time own space own decisions time, i've been through it before. never broke up with somebody to get to that part of my life but i've been there. i realized pretty quick that i didn't really want space and that i wanted to find somebody to be in a relationship again. i had been through a breakup and got over that eventually and decided i wanted to date again, but then decided i just wanted my own space which is when i decided i really wanted a relationship. life is all about the people in it and she makes me better with her in it, i just want her back. she is my best friend and i am hers and she says that she wants to try to meet up at least once a week outside of work...is this a good sign? should i not do it or should i enjoy the time i get to be with her? if i have to, if i really have to i will be just friends with her than not have her in my life at all...i wish that there were more rules to this and not so up in the air. i just wish i could hear what she is thinking. see if she really just needs space or is being nice and not telling me to get lost.
Bran Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 You have to have her make a decision. If you mean enough to her she will choose you but you gotta tell her you can't sit around waiting forever. Go out, have fun n try to keep her off of your mind. Ive gotten back together with all of my girlfriends by doing this. You gotta make them decide asap because that leaves you with the power and you no longer have to worry about walking on egg shells with this girl.
Author boulderdude.3 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 @bran i sure hope you are right, that's what i've been trying to do. i feel like such a wuss right now, everything reminds me of her it's ridiculous and it makes me sad that i can't do anything at the moment. i'm a problem solver and it drives me up the wall when i can't figure something out, this is something i can't figure out and it's killing me from the inside. the last breakups i've had it's always been a mutual thing you know. so you can be mad at them and almost begin to hate them in your mind to help you get over them or you could go and have fun with other girls, whether that be dates, bars, etc, etc. however i don't want to get over her just yet, i don't want to hate her and i don't want another girl to ruin it between us.
BoredAgain Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Yes, Bran is exactly right. You say, "if i really have to i will be just friends with her than not have her in my life at all," but you certainly must realize that this is a terrible idea. For example, would you be comfortable hanging out with her and a new boyfriend? If not, then you have absolutely no business trying to be her friend. Her desire to be friends with you is either pure selfishness or a completely backwards way of trying to be compassionate. You need to move forward with your life.
Author boulderdude.3 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 i guess it's really just not what i wanted to hear, but do you really think that it is over over and not something that can be fixed? i know it depends on the situation and i don't want it to be over, it just doesn't feel like it i guess. thanks for all the input by the way.
BoredAgain Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Yeah, it might suddenly dawn on her that she made a huge mistake. The problem is that such a thing could be years down the line. And even if she does change her mind, you should be skeptical about it (especially if it happens soon) because she might always change her mind again. It happens to a lot of people, and it even happened to me. My recent girlfriend called me after less than two days of NC. She cried and said the breakup was a big mistake (and was very sincere about it), but she ended up changing her mind again less than a week later. It's not fun to be burned like that twice. So, trust me... it's better to focus on moving forward with your life. As is said a lot on these forums, hope for the best but plan for the worst.
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