unodos1011 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I haven't posted much but I read LS almost daily. Frankly, I'm a bit intimidated because there is so much good advice (even when there are opposing opinions) and I would hate to always ask and never contribute. However, I feel like I have hit a wall and I don't know where to go from here. I discovered my H's affair with my friend a little over 3 months ago and about a month and a half later discovered that they were back in contact and had been having a PA for about 4 months or up until DDAY 1. I know the affair wasn't about me but I take a lot of it very personally because the OW was a friend of mine. Also, I was about 8 months pregnant at the time and after I discovered the texts my husband saw that my health was deteriorating due to a lack of sleep and appetite...he also knew he was at risk of losing everything (me, the baby, and his son) yet he continued to have a relationship with her. To me, this was basically a deal breaker but im still having a hard time making my mind up one way or the other in regards to leaving or making the M work. So here are my questions to you all... At the point when you decided to divorce or reconcile were you 100% sure that you were making the right decision? How long did it take you to come to that conclusion and was there anything that your spouse did/didn't do to contribute to that final decision. Finally, was there a second DDAY with your spouse before they completely cut ties with their AP? Thank you in advance to all of those who reply!
Spark1111 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 No, I was not 100% sure of anything for a very long time. I am sorry you went through that. I cannot imagine a more VULNERABLE time than when pregnant to be facing any of this nonsense. My reactions may have been very different than they were to my H's infidelity at that time in my life. I intercepted a text while on a family vacation and it blew my world apart. I held onto that info until I gathered all the proof I could and confronted him three days later. I was angry and out of my mind and blew the whistle big time. I threw him out and told trusted family and friends and prepared for a future without him. I wished him happiness with her and was just devastated about the deception and could not wrap my head around why he had lied to me for over a year! It seemed to be the last thing he wanted and no one was more confused than I when I saw that. He begged to reconcile, but there was continued contact between them and whenever I discovered it, I asked him what he was still doing here and threw him out again. I went NC with my own H! And when we were forced to talk about the kids, or house, I always refused to discuss "us." Initially the cheater wants to retain the status quo with the home base so he can continue the affair. I refused to be a part of that. Unless it was clearly over with her, there could be no "us." I also got very focused on me; saw old friends, made new ones; joined a gym, had some fun and was not so available for his calls. He begged his way back to reconcile with me; he fought for this marriage; he went NC with her on his own; he went to MC and IC and we talked, and talked and talked for a long time before I could be 50% about anything. What has your H done to show you how remorseful he is for his actions? What effort has he put in? As long as he still has contact with her, he will not put the effort in.
18Years2Late Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I'm not nor have I ever been a BS...but I'm still sorry you're going thru this...and I just wanted to answer the question about do they go back bc I have experience with that... Yes...they go back...from reading here...they normally do...maybe multiple times...my xMM came back 3x and was caught each time...he'd probably come back again if I hadn't made sure he hates me now...and I told him running from her arms to mine was not an option...he needed to D bc he wanted to and sort out his $h*t...then find me...so he decided to stay there...and as far as I know she hasn't kicked him out yet... I think it a lot depends on the length of the A...4 months is not that long...I think anything over a year would b a deal breaker for me if I were on that position...a few months could b just a "fling"...a year or more there's probably some real feelings going on and hard to stop...also an A with your friend is a different kind of evil...but that's JMO...I hope you find peace...
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