stu1234 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 First time poster with a headache from a situation with my girlfriend. I am now 20 years old and we are both in Uni studying different things. I suppose this scenario broken down easily is I did not show her how much she meant to me until she ended it, and since then I have been a different person around her and the change is hard to deal with. We got together in September 2010 and from the offset we were great for one another. She fell for me early on and I was reluctant to get too involved emotionally and that upset her. There were no "I love you" comments for a fair few months and when it came we were both happier and reassured. As the relationship went on I began/continued to neglect her and in July 2011 she broke up with me saying that she could not see how it could change. I took her for granted and went out a lot when she wanted to see me. It was at this point I realised how important she was to me and after a week or two apart we came back together but things have not quite been the same since. We trust eachother and there has been no cheating but now she tells me she "wants time to herself". She struggles with money badly and university loans do not cover it, she feels she is putting on weight and that gets her down and she said she needs time to herself. We love eachother and care for one another but she struggles to see where we go from here. We have small arguements, never a big one but always the little things that create bigger issues. I treat her well and she acknowledges that, I take her out for meals and I support her, not just financially. I think she feels suffocated by me as I like to see her a lot and it neglects her studies. She would have loved that when we were first together but I think as I became more fond of her she may have became less fond. I love her to bits and I ask her if she wants to work on the relationship to which she replies "she does not know" all she can really say is she needs time. We keep in contact still we spoke on the phone today. I'm not sure what I should do really I say I will support her if she needs to get her life back on track but she thinks she needs to do it alone. Does this mean that there is no room for me anymore? I don't know if we are together technically I tell her if she wants to break up then she should let me know now so we don't drag it on and she says she needs time to sort things. I don't want to wait for her to end it in the long run but feel there is no alternative. She says she has lost her independence and she relies upon me too much. Apologies for the essay but I suppose more detail is good for a better response. Any suggestions what to do. I'm sort of waiting around now until she decides what to do. I told her I will support her even if it is as a friend and not a relationship.
BoredAgain Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Sounds like she's unsure about the relationship, and she's leaving you dangling on a string until she figures out what she wants. It's not a great situation to be in, but if you feel the break-up coming around the corner then it might be a good idea to be proactive by ending it yourself. I understand that you don't want to end things, but if her idea is to drag things out indefinitely, then she's pretty much just forcing your hand anyway. In an adult relationship, both parties need to be willing to honestly deal with problems together. If she wants time alone to deal with these problems by herself, then that's what you need to do. Give her space and move forward with your own life.
Author stu1234 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Yea that sounds pretty right to me. I think because we spend so many nights together we have neglected our lives as individuals.I have put aside my life playing football, nights out with friends etc to spend time with her and she has done likewise. It is a hard age to have a relationship at this age with commitments I guess but we are both relationship people. It is a good thing she has done this because we both need to sort out our lives without one another, we cannot rely on each other all the time. I hope she realises though that we can have space from eachother and still have the relationship work. Anything I could say to her along those lines?
StigOfTheDump Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I feel your pain and I'm sharing the same emotions as you right at this moment. I've driven my girlfriend away un knowingly as I got my work/life balance wrong. I'm now paying the sacrifice and willing to change, though they never believe this. My girlfriend decided she 'wanted time' & 'do her own thing now' I'd ask questions - Why? and get a pretty open ended answer like 'I don't know' My heart till a few days said she will come back, but recent 'to do's' tells me otherwise. I said I'd be there 100% for her should she need any support or someone to talk to etc... In some ways I want her to decide our fate now, yes/no. if it's yes, then great, if it's no, then that's not what I want to hear, but at least I can begin now to start to move on. The whole 'time' thing is delay tactics. A lot of people mention this Grass Is Greener bollocks. Sometimes a person actually wants there own space, relax and un wind. At least your girlfriend is willing to talk to you, so she hasn't closed herself of. Until today, I was in pieces, I've had a good day today, but tomorrow might not be. I'm simply being strong and just getting on as I normally would. I've already changed my lifestyle a bit by being more motivated to do things and being more productive with my time. This may free more time, whether it's to spend time with my loved one or someone else, or do something else...
StigOfTheDump Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Just something to add as well. My advice might not be the greatest as I'm suffering from my first proper relationship lasting four years and only the age of 21. BUT I'm pretty good at psychological stuff and mind games in the business world. These are relationships with colleges and company relations etc. The more desperate you make yourself for the other person/deal, the more they are willing to negotiate and the longer they will take to decide there outcome. Keep your cool, play it calm and controlled, think about things before doing them - If it's a txt message, take a few minutes, try and leave it with something they are curious about or end with a question, never a statement. If it's a date/meet up, think what your aim is and what you want to achieve from the day, think about any questions she may ask and have a rough idea ready...think about it!!! By having time, it gives them all the power in the relationship, the fate is in there hands. Know what you want. Today as said has been a strong day, I've had lots of positive thoughts. I know what I want and what will have to happen to make it work. You can't change the relationship, you have to start from fresh and re-build it...at least that is what I want. Start dating and flirting being a bit more spontaneous and change the 'routine'
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