lovelylove Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 My boyfriend of two years is doing the same thing my last boyfriend (lasted 5 years, ended on good terms) did. He absolutely refuses to commit, to marriage, long-term plans, moving in, etc (but wants monogamy, which is good). I want(ed) more, he said "you want a forever love", and said he was sorry he couldn't give that to me... but because I love him I decided that staying around him would make me happier than leaving, so here I am..... BUT... whenever (very rarely, maybe once every two months) I mention something about my future, like I wonder where I'll be living in a few years, etc, he gets all sullen and pulls back and then later says I'm "pushing him away". My last boyfriend would say "you sound like you're not including me in your future plans"... WTF!!!!! This boyfriend says stuff like "when are you going to break up with me?" in a teasing kind of way, and I always say "never".... but it is irksome. Once or twice I came right out and said "if you want a break, we can do that", and he got upset!!! In general this man is bad at planning his life in general and kind of "wings it", which I like about him, because it mellows me out (I'm the opposite). Anyway, I seem to keep picking the same guy. Deep down I must not really want a commitment. And these guys don't know what they want. At 40plus years you should be able to make up your mind (I know, I'm judging). Thanks for letting me vent. Ugh.
forms Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 If you know he will never, never, never marry you, how long would you stay with him? Also, he wants monogamy from you with no commitment from him? Tell him it doesn't work that way. As long as he's not willing to marry you, you will be on the lookout to develop a good relationship with someone who will. You understand he isn't interested in marriage, and that's his right; but you are interested in marriage, and that's your right too, so he can only expect you to be monogamous as long as no one who has something better to offer you doesn't show up. Do you really think these guys are mirroring your own commitment issues?
Author lovelylove Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 I think I would stay with him until I just couldn't stand it anymore. I don't know how long that is. Two months to two years I'm guessing. I don't mind the monogamy, that's fine. I don't want to date more than one person at a time, and I do really love him, he's my best friend.... but if he knows we aren't going to be together forever (and I'm finally starting to accept it), then why does he bristle when I talk about my life down the road? He knows what I want and won't give it to me... it's not what he wants. He says he loves me. He says he doesn't believe in marriage, his marriage failed and he's jaded. My marriage failed too, but I don't blame marriage, we've had all these discussions and I couldn't make him see my way of thinking, so gradually I just accepted that eventually we'll break up. I told him when we do break up, let's not be enemies, let's be friends etc... He gets so mad at that. I guess he wants me to stick around forever- until he doesn't want me anymore... and that sucks for me, doesn't it? Yes I think I'm choosing men like this because of my own fear of commitment which is so deep down I can't admit it or feel it. It just makes sense.... or else why wouldn't I move on?
twinkles Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I'll give you something to consider. Maybe it's really not commitment you are afraid of maybe it's that you have you have yet to experience real genuine love and you are afraid you will not find it, so you settle and stay.
Author lovelylove Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 True, I am afraid I won't find anything better, and true, I do feel like I'm settling... true. I don't want to be alone... gah.
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