Butterfly21 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Hey i was wondering if someone could help me and give me a little advice. I am originally from Germany where i met my husband who was stationed there at the time. He PCSd back to the States and i had to stay in Germany because i didn't have a visa. We got married in FL and then i came back to finish the Visa process and work and save money. I moved to Tennessee in July 2010 where he is stationed. Needless to say after getting there everything went down hill. I got really bad anxiety and was very sick the first couple of months. He wasnt a big support at all and me being sick started affecting our marriage. He became very mentally abusive and controlling. In Oct 2010 our lease was up and he wanted to buy a house. I wasn't to fond of the idea but he went on about how much of a good idea it would be with BAH being so much and mortgage so low. what i wanted didn't really matter anyway, so he went ahead with it. After putting up with his control issues for 6months i had to get out and go back home. We had only just started counceling when i left but the counceler told me that it wasn't healthy for me to stay and that he was honestly worried for my life because of my husband so he told me to leave without saying anything. I was depressed because i couldn't deal with the anxiety, the culture shock and the way he treated me. We talked things through and decided we would give it another go so i went back in March this year. Things were ok for a month or so and then it started all over again. He would always shut the phone and the internet off when he got mad, he would take my keys away from me or take the battery out the vehicle so i couldn't go anywhere. Every weekend he would get so drunk and just put me down. He just drained the life out of me. I tried so hard to make him happy but no matter what i did he would always shoot me down. 4th July he got drunk and took his Truck and ran into my Jeep and totalled it. To make up for it he went ahead and bought me an SUV with payments. The Jeep was paid off. Things got worse and i had to quit my job. We tried counceling but it felt like he was going just to say he is going. I went to angermanagment after he had totalled my jeep because i thought it would motivate him to get help. He went 2 or 3 times and then made excuses. The new councelor was also worried what he was going to do to me and told me to make sure i had an emergancy phone hidden away and gave me a lipstick like thing that had a piece of paper with emergancy numbers in it just in case. Everyone was worried for me. My friends & family, his friends & family and the councelor. After being threated to get p!ssed on if i didn't go and sleep on the sofa i decided i was done with trying. I left end of October. Since then things have been like a rollercoaster between us. First 2 weeks were a nightmare, he called me withing 48hours of being back in Germany to make sure he was single in case he decided to F*ck someone. He constantly got in contact and would just be a complete and utter prick. After a couple of weeks he apologised and said he wanted the divorce to go smooth because he just wanted to move on with his life. We didn't talk much and things seemed to be ok. I was having a hard time dealing with it all and then one night he called me to tell me he was talking to his ex gf again and that my bridesmaid had been lying to me all along (just another drama story). We talked about us and i told him that i was having a hard time and that i miss him. Big mistake i know but we started talking about us again and old feelings came up. He tried convincing me he was changing and becoming a better person and that i should come back. I told him it wouldnt work because it is time to take care of myself. I put my life and dreams on hold to be with him and i was just being treated like crap over and over again. I suggested if he really wanted to change he should try coming back to Germany. He got all excited and said he was going to to it but then came back with ''I will only come back to Germany if you come back to the States until i can PCS'' I explained over and over again that i have to apply for apprenticeships to start in July and that this was really important to me. It didn't go down to well and now he is threatening me and my family. He called yesterday and said that he was going to do everything he could to make mine and my familys life hell. I could hear him punching and kicking stuff in the background and he was totally drunk. He called the house phone 20 odd times and kept calling my phone. He said that i best find a good lawyer and start saving because he is going to make sure my life gets ruined with debt. Im sorry this was so long but i wanted to explain the background a little bit. What can he actually get me with? He mentioned debt inquired during marriage. The house, but as far as i am aware i wasn't a co signer or anything because i didn't have a credit score at the time, plus he is still living in the house and fixing it up so can he really make me pay? Also he said the SUV because I supposdly wanted it. He is still driving it and i am not 100% sure if i signed as a co-owner but i don't think i did. He wants me to pay for the phone contract too?!? He is using the phone contract and his friend is using our 2nd line. There is no way in hell i am paying for it. I don't know anything about divorce and i still don't have a job so no money to get a lawyer for advice right now. I'm afraid what is going to happen and it is stressing me out so much. I was stupid enough to send him more then half of my paycheck while i was still in Germany. I paid for all our holidays, our wedding, my visa and i even bought him a truck and now he wants to put all this on me. He mentioned on the phone once too that he was going to drag this out so he can carry on claiming BAH. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being threatend and im annoyed that he is threatening my family too. I would appreciate any advice on how to go about this.
Yasuandio Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Option 1: (not got the faint of heart) Get evidence of these threats. Have your family do same. Document every single event. If it is over the phone, put your cell on speaker, and record the call. Have everything set up in advance. If the threat is in person, video tape it, or tape record it. DO NOT GET CAUGHT GATHERING EVIDENCE. He might very well hurt you if you got caught. If you are too nervous to handle that task -- go to Option 2. Option 2: Anytime you are frightened or feel threatened, anytime, you can ALWAYS call the police. Everytime you call, and an Officer is sent out, there is a record being established of the event. Be prepared - the police will arrest someone like you are describing, and you will need to follow through with a restraining order. This is no time for "sitting on the fense" or indecisiveness. Do not trick him into a confrontation. Let the confrontations he starts speak for themselves. Do not let him know you are calling police. Just dial 911. Get a prepaid phone and hide it somewhere if necessary. Research For You: This sounds like domestic "mental" abuse - are you aware of that? Please research this topic immediately. There is a chart that delineates the various forms of "power and control" the abuser selects to manipulate the victim. Once you study this chart, I believe you will recognize several methods of mental abuse that you husband may be employing to gain power and control over you. Over time, this can really wear on your self esteem. Get grip now, and open your eyes to what is going on -- so you don't get psyched out. Obviously, you need to think clearly right now. It is dangerous to be with a person that is a domestic abuser. You never know when the abuse will escalate. Mental abuse can be even worse that physical abuse. It may even have something to do with the anxiety you are suffering from. Please look into this, whilst you await additional responses from the forum.
Author Butterfly21 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Option 1: (not got the faint of heart) Get evidence of these threats. Have your family do same. Document every single event. If it is over the phone, put your cell on speaker, and record the call. Have everything set up in advance. If the threat is in person, video tape it, or tape record it. DO NOT GET CAUGHT GATHERING EVIDENCE. He might very well hurt you if you got caught. If you are too nervous to handle that task -- go to Option 2. Option 2: Anytime you are frightened or feel threatened, anytime, you can ALWAYS call the police. Everytime you call, and an Officer is sent out, there is a record being established of the event. Be prepared - the police will arrest someone like you are describing, and you will need to follow through with a restraining order. This is no time for "sitting on the fense" or indecisiveness. Do not trick him into a confrontation. Let the confrontations he starts speak for themselves. Do not let him know you are calling police. Just dial 911. Get a prepaid phone and hide it somewhere if necessary. Research For You: This sounds like domestic "mental" abuse - are you aware of that? Please research this topic immediately. There is a chart that delineates the various forms of "power and control" the abuser selects to manipulate the victim. Once you study this chart, I believe you will recognize several methods of mental abuse that you husband may be employing to gain power and control over you. Over time, this can really wear on your self esteem. Get grip now, and open your eyes to what is going on -- so you don't get psyched out. Obviously, you need to think clearly right now. It is dangerous to be with a person that is a domestic abuser. You never know when the abuse will escalate. Mental abuse can be even worse that physical abuse. It may even have something to do with the anxiety you are suffering from. Please look into this, whilst you await additional responses from the forum. Thanks for your reply. Im afraid i didn't see it as abuse soon enough. I have been living with it for 2 years and i am ruined. It didn't really queit get to me until i started going to Angermanagment classes when we talked about abuse and we got shown the ''Power wheel'' i learnt a lot in the classes and it opened my eyes and that is why i left in October. I am not in any danger any more. I moved back to my parents. I started getting counceling while i was still with him. My Dr told me i needed counceling because of my anxiety. I knew all along it was because of the abuse but i always foud excuses for my husband. The councelor would tell me that i needed to see that what he was doing is abuse and that he may never change. I'm afraid that i am never going to be able to trust anyone again. He was threatening me over the phone. I didnt get the chance to record it but he messaged me after saying: I hope your happy. I am about to spend all my time and everything i have on this divorce. Good luck, F*ck you and have a nice life. Your sillier than i thought and i hope you get a job quick or a better lawyer, I hate to see your family hurt from this. I just dont know where i stand with this whole divorce. I cant really seem to find anyone who has an idea of what i can expect.
carhill Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 (edited) If you're living in Germany as a citizen, consider it a 'separation' and, if he continues to harass you, simply cut him off, changing contact information. He can certainly file for divorce in Tennessee, presuming he meets residency requirements, and get an uncontested one. Considering the marital estate, from what you've shared, the costs of serving such a judgment on a foreign national in another country, even if detrimental to yourself, would likely cost more than could be recovered. He sounds like a guy who drinks a lot, yells a lot and hits things. That doesn't go over too well with judges. When push comes to shove, IMO he won't spend the time or money or have the patience to prosecute a divorce that would be damaging to you. Having gone through the divorce process and having experienced many of the stressors of it, I offer that observation. If he goes so far as to come to your country and threaten you, as a foreigner, he risks severe penalties, including being barred from your country indefinitely. This presumes he's not a German citizen. I'd go the 'separation' route. Tennessee allows for a no-fault divorce if the parties have been living separately for two years; no other 'grounds' need to be specified. My bet is he won't even want to pay the filing fees. The downside is you're married, so a legal marriage to someone else *may* be problematical and, if you do nothing and he sues for divorce, any judgment entered against you in the US may become binding upon you, with sanctions, should you wish to enter the country again and he pursues it. Let him cool off and see how it goes. If you do break radio silence, do it through a throw-away channel, in case contact doesn't go well. Edited to clarify one term, that being 'contested'. What that means, legally, is that he or you had filed for divorce in the relevant jurisdiction and that, pursuant to the time limit imposed by the court, the respondent had filed an answer with the court, contesting the petitioner's filings and motions. IOW, the parties legally 'disagree' or 'contest'. IANAL but that's how the process was explained to me by my lawyer. If I read right, you're not there yet. Edited December 4, 2011 by carhill
Author Butterfly21 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 If you're living in Germany as a citizen, consider it a 'separation' and, if he continues to harass you, simply cut him off, changing contact information. He can certainly file for divorce in Tennessee, presuming he meets residency requirements, and get an uncontested one. Considering the marital estate, from what you've shared, the costs of serving such a judgment on a foreign national in another country, even if detrimental to yourself, would likely cost more than could be recovered. He sounds like a guy who drinks a lot, yells a lot and hits things. That doesn't go over too well with judges. When push comes to shove, IMO he won't spend the time or money or have the patience to prosecute a divorce that would be damaging to you. Having gone through the divorce process and having experienced many of the stressors of it, I offer that observation. If he goes so far as to come to your country and threaten you, as a foreigner, he risks severe penalties, including being barred from your country indefinitely. This presumes he's not a German citizen. I'd go the 'separation' route. Tennessee allows for a no-fault divorce if the parties have been living separately for two years; no other 'grounds' need to be specified. My bet is he won't even want to pay the filing fees. The downside is you're married, so a legal marriage to someone else *may* be problematical and, if you do nothing and he sues for divorce, any judgment entered against you in the US may become binding upon you, with sanctions, should you wish to enter the country again and he pursues it. Let him cool off and see how it goes. If you do break radio silence, do it through a throw-away channel, in case contact doesn't go well. We had agreed on a Uncontested divorce at first because we both wanted it to come smooth and just wanted to go our own way but after we started talking and all the old feelings came up i made the mistake of telling him that i missed him and that he should come to Germany if he wants to fight for our marriage. When he came back with the whole '' i'll only do this if you do that'' bull i realized that it was the same old stuff happening and after giving up everything for him twice before and already giving us another chance i spoke my mind and told him no. That i wasn't going to go back to him until he comes to Germany and put everything on hold AGAIN because i really need to start thinking of myself and start a career because i have been waiting for to long already. I guess he felt like i gave him hope and dropped him again. I should have never told him how i had been feeling being apart but i also believe that if he really wanted to be with me and change he would understand that i couldnt leave here again as i only have from now until July to get into school or start an apprenticeship otherwise i will have to wait till 2013 and i can't do that. He is mad at me for it so now he has changed his mind and said he is going to make me pay and make my life hell. Your are right though, i'm not really sure he is going to go through with it all because he doesn't even have the money because he loves spending it on beer and other useless stuff. He said he will get his rich aunts involved and also mentioned he had plans to ruin my dads military career. He actually tried talking to me after he had said all that stuff drunk and i told him it was ridiciolus and he agreed and said he knew but he doesnt care what people here think of him and that it was also ridicilous that i suggested for him to come to Germany and then i turned him down. I guess i am just afraid what he can actually do to me. I don't have a job and no savings as all my savings went into our marriage and stuff. I know my parents would help me out but i don't want them helping me anymore then they already have. Not knowing what is happening is stressing me out so much
carhill Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 For clarity, you are a German national and have a 'green card' but are not a naturalized citizen of the U.S., correct? He is a U.S. citizen, but has no other citizenship, correct? Presuming Tennessee jurisdiction, here's a tidbit of a larger volume of information on the process which could be helpful: '(2) In lieu of service of process, the defendant may enter into a written notarized marital dissolution agreement with plaintiff that makes specific reference to a pending divorce by a court and docket number, or states that the defendant is aware that one will be filed in this state and that the defendant waives further service and waives filing an answer to the complaint. Such waiver of service shall be valid for a period of one hundred eighty (180) days from the date the last party signs the agreement. The agreement may include the obligation and payment of alimony, in solido or in futuro, to either of the parties, any other provision of the law notwithstanding. The signing of such an agreement shall be in lieu of service of process for the period such waiver is valid and shall constitute a general appearance before the court and answer that shall give the court personal jurisdiction over the defendant, and constitute a default judgment for the purpose of granting a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.' Essentially, my interpretation is that, unless you and he execute a MDA (marital dissolution agreement) which is ratified by the court, he'll have to show cause to the judge in court for his specific requests in the filing to be upheld by the court and a summary judgment entered in the matter. This is in addition of him having the burden of attempting to serve process of the filing upon you in Germany, or using an alternative allowed method of serving notice. I like that the court calls the six months after filing the 'cooling off' period. IMO, that wouldn't be a bad idea right now.
Yasuandio Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 You better listen to Carhill while the gettin's good. He is an extremely sharp researcher on these matters as you can see. He doesn't waste his time on just "anyone." I "PMed" him for some off the record advice months ago, and he never responded to me. I'd give an eye tooth to get this dude's council, my dear. Listen to him closely, and do exactly what he tells you to do. Yas
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Sorry you have to go through this. Your future ex-husband is an abuser. And you are so down because of it that you have hardly any energy left to fight. I understand that. You have to tell this man that it is over and that you no longer want any contact with him. He is totally toxic and takes all the energy out of you. Take a lawyer and let all contact happen via this lawyer. I can guarantee you that your husband will not respect this no contact rule. He can't control himself. Start a log in which you note every incident and gather as much evidence as possible. In no time you will have a very solid case against your husband. I hope you have friends and family who support you in Germany. You have to cut all contact with this man because he gets a kick out of abusing you!!! I know it is hard because you have loved him deeply. He knows that and therefore also knows that his behaviour has a strong impact on you. Don't let him do that anymore.
Owl Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Is he still active duty military? If so...then you need to head to the nearest military base and seek counseling and legal assistance from ACS (Army Community Services). Inform them of the situation, and request assistance from them in determining what your legal situation is, and what the military will dictate that you will be required to pay (and what he'll be required to pay you) as a result of the divorce. If you're still married...then you're still a military dependent, and still have all of those benefits available to you. Make use of them, ASAP!
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