Good Signs or Red Flags?

[DDream]

I need to vent…

 

I met a man two weeks ago. We have seen each other four times so far. From the get-go, there were red flags I should have probably acknowledged. However, because I felt he was different than the other guys I met, I let it go. I liked the fact that he wasn’t playing games and that he was himself.

 

We exchanged e-mails for about a week before switching to texts. Two days before we met, we spent the evening texting and adding each other Facebook. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he couldn’t wait to finally meet me. He said he was worried I wouldn’t want to meet him anymore now that I saw more pictures of him. He said he needed to invite someone to his Christmas Party and wanted to invited me. He started calling me “sweets” and “sweetie”. I liked it, but I was feeling overwhelmed at the same time. I was on the fence about him, but I was looking forward to meeting him at the same time. It was strange. I felt strange. Anyhow, he texted me “Good morning sweets! “ when he woke up and we exchanged a few texts here and there during the day. Then, we finally met the following day.

 

Our initial meeting was okay. We met around 2. We walked in a park and then grabbed a coffee. I could feel he was really insecure. He kept telling me he was afraid he was boring me. He also told me multiple times I was beautiful. Then, I know it’s not a good idea, but we drove around in his car. At some point, while driving, he flat out asked him: “So, do you want to see me again?” It kind of took me by surprise. I said sure although I wasn’t really. It was really strange. The conversation was okay, but I felt he could have asked more questions about me. Anyhow, we agreed to see each other again the following Saturday. I asked him what would be the plan because I wanted to know if I had to drive to him or him to me. (We live 40 minutes apart.) He said: “I’ll pick you up if you want. I don’t want mind. Whatever you want me to. I went back home around 5:30. I texted him to thank him. We exchanged a few texts and he at some point texted: “I kind of miss seeing you already. I hope it’s not weird!” Well, it was indeed kind of weird and I didn’t know what to reply.

 

During the following week, he texted me everyday at least once. Sometimes in the morning. Sometimes before going to bed. Sometimes twice. Sometimes during the day. At some point he texted me that he wanted to kiss me when we met the first time and that couldn’t wait to give me a big hug when we’ll see each other again. He also told me he would probably like to hold my hand next time. Plus, he also said he was looking at my picture everyday. That’s when I told him that it was great, but that I wanted to still get to know him before it gets too far. Then, he texted a little less, but still at least once a day. It wasn’t overkill let’s say. It was just perfect.

 

Anyway, he got to my place Saturday around 3:15. He brought me flowers which was really sweet of him. We were supposed to go to a Museum, but I told him it was closing at 5. We got there at 4. So, we kind of decided to go elsewhere instead. I was really disappointed. We drove around for a bit and decided to go to the restaurant right away and catch a movie at the theatre afterward. During the dinner, he kind of asked how it was still on the dating Website. It’s as if he wanted to know if I was still on there. I just said I logged to check my messages, but wasn’t planning on meeting anyone else at this point. Anyway, it was 5:30 when we finished dinner. The movie was around 6:30 or 7, I think. So, he said let’s go walk in a park in the meantime. We got in his car and then he took my hand and held it. I was fine with it. I let him do it. We talked and listed to some music for a bit. Then, he eventually kissed me. We didn’t make out. He just gave me two gentle kisses on the lips. Again, I was comfortable with it. He kept worrying that I was bored. He said: “We’ll have to kill some time before the movie. Ah… There you go! I’m already boring you on our first date.” But I reassured him. He started driving around and next thing you know we just drove around FOREVER!!! He just kept driving and driving. He said: “I don’t really feel like a movie. I don’t like sitting in a theater.” I suggested playing pool and he agreed. I thought he was driving there because he said: “I know a good place.” But it never happened. It was strange again. I tried to hold the conversation, but it was kind of hard to do for like… 4 hours. I really tried to keep the conversation going, but I didn’t feel he was reciprocating. He kept holding my hand too though and sometimes kissed me. At some point, I told him to stop somewhere and take a break and it did. We stopped in a park near by. I was feeling really strange and I was trying to figure out what he wanted exactly because it wasn’t clear. We finally made out, but it took a while. He asked me when he could see me again and I asked when he was available. He said Friday and I agreed to it. He kept holding my hand afterward, but I know he wanted to go home to. So, he drove me home. When we got near, I said Friday was kind of far and asked what he was doing on Sunday (the following day). He said nothing and asked me if I wanted to see him. I said yes and he agreed and said he would text me. When he got home, he texted me. He said he enjoyed the evening and kissing me and couldn’t wait to see me again. The following day, I had a weird feeling. I waited for him to text me, but still I had no news at 12. So, I sent him a text just asking how he slept. It took him 2 hours to reply. By 4, he told me he had a family dinner, but we could see each other after. I was supposed to go to his place, but he only got back to me after 7. It was getting late already for a 40 minutes drive. So, we cancelled and I was pissed. He acted differently and I just told him good night and see you later. He said: “Yes, good night sweets. I’ll text you tomorrow and please don’t worry I’m interested in you!”

 

He texted me at 6:30 pm the following day. He asked if I wanted to come see a movie at his place Tuesday night. I agreed… even though I probably shouldn’t have to. He told me to drive safe. I got there, we watched a movie. We cuddled and kissed a little bit, but he didn’t try to go any further. He held my hand. He kissed me gently. We didn’t really make out. It was more soft kisses. We caressed each other a little bit, but nothing more. Plus, I told him I wanted to be sure he was really interested before doing anything and he said he understands and it can wait until I’m really comfortable. We agreed to see each other on Friday. (Yesterday) Anyway, I walked me to my car. We kissed good night and he texted me when I got home. He said he was really interested in me and couldn’t wait to see me again on Friday. Again, he texted me every day in between Tuesday and Friday. And, again, he keeps calling me “sweets” or “sweetie”.

 

So, we saw each other Friday. I was off and so was he. So, I was at his place at 2. At the beginning, he said he was off on Monday. I said I wasn’t. But he said I could call sick and then I could sleep over on Sunday. I don’t know if he was serious or not when he said that, but he looked like it was. I didn't say yes or no because I figured we would talk about it at the end of the evening. He hugged me and kissed me, but there were no big make out session. He didn’t push to have sex with me either… but we did. He kept asking if I was sure. Afterward, we decided to go grab some pizza. It was 4 at that point. He still acted liked he cared. He held my hand in the car. Then, we rented two movies. We went back to his place and cuddled again while watching the movies. But here’s where my problem is… After the first movie, I kind of asked him where we were standing. I said: "What if I want to delete my profile?" He said: "It's up to you. I didn't check my profile since we met." I said: "What if I don't want to meet anybody else right now?" He said: "Don't do it then!" I said I didn't like to see multiple people at the same time. He said: "I didn't think you would ask me that today. It's kind of a surprise." He said he wasn’t seeing anyone else, that he enjoyed spending time with me and still wants to see me, but wants to go slow and doesn’t want to label the relationship right away. It kind of turned me off a little bit. I was more distant while watching the second movie. He asked me multiple times if I was okay and I pretended I was, but I think he could he I wasn’t. He kept cuddling and holding my hand. He walked to my car when I left too. We kissed goodbye and hugged. He said he would text me today, but he ended up texted me when I got home. He said "Good night sweets!" and I said "Good night babe! Sorry about my change of mood. Have fun tomorrow night. I'm sure you'll look amazing in your suit! ;)" He asked me: "Everything good though" I said: "I was just thinking too much. Don't worry babe! Anyway, I'm off to bed. Have a good sleep! :)" It ended with him: "Good night! :)"

 

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't asking for a label Friday night. I mostly wanted to know if he was seeing other people. I was happy he wasn't, but I just wasn't that happy about the last part of his answer. I don't even know why. It almost feels like we already are in a relationship. He lives with his parents and I already met them as well as his two sisters and his brother in-law. He wanted us to hang out with one of his sister and her boyfriend last night. They were however busy. He didn't seem to be ashamed about it though. In fact, before we met, he said he mentioned me to his sisters and he showed them a picture of me. Everyone knew about me when I met them Tuesday night.

 

I probably gave mixed signals as well since I told him I wanted to take thing slow. We're both guilty of it. I don't know what happened. It's like we are both craving for it, but we are both insecure about it at the same time. Perhaps that's why we're attracted to each other. We're quite alike in that sense.

 

Anyway, I don’t really know what to think at this point. He looks like he is interested (and still interested after sex), but I really didn’t like his answer about where we stand. What do you guys think? Am I seeing things through pink colored glasses here or am I simply being insecure?

 

He had his Christmas Party last night. He wanted to invite me over, but it was too late to buy more tickets and his mother told me he asked her to go over with him. He also wanted her to take a picture of him in the suit he bought yesterday. She asked me if I was on his Facebook because he said he would post it there. I already told him before I went to bed Friday night to have fun tonight. We haven't talked to each other yesterday. Is it up to my to contact him now or up to me?

 

Thanks for your time!

Edited December 4, 2011 by DDream

[forms]

To summarize:

 

You've known a guy 2 weeks: the first week was texting and emails, and before he even met you he said he wanted to kiss you on the first date, take you to his Xmas party and started calling you sweetie.

 

The second week you've seen him 4 times:

 

1. You walked in a park and drove around in his car. The conversation was okay but you felt he could have shown a bit more interest in you. He seemed very insecure. This was 3.5 hours long

 

2. You were supposed to go to a museum but he got there too late so you agreed on dinner and a movie. You were disappointed about the museum. You ate a pizza and had an hour to kill before the movie, you agreed to walk in the park but actually drove around in his car. He kissed you. He changed his mind about going to the movies because he suddenly remembered he didn't like sitting in theatres, so he drove you around FOREVER. So you agreed to go play pool. But instead of taking you to play pool he drove around with you for FOUR HOURS. You did stop once in a park to kiss. On both dates he repeatedly asked if he was boring you. He proposed another date for Friday six days away. You counter-proposed Sunday, the next day. He agreed.

 

Why oh why did you want to see him again--and so badly that you couldn't even wait until Friday. You didn't even enjoy all that driving around.

 

The Sunday date never happened. He didn't get back to you to make arrangements until 7pm and since you live 40 minutes away from one another, it was too late. In other words, he blew you off.

 

3. Tuesday night date at his house watching movies. You kissed and cuddled. He lived with his parents, and you've met his two sisters and his brotherinlaw. They knew all about you before you met. You talked about not having sex until you were really comfortable.

 

4. You met him on Friday at his house. He immediately suggested you return on Sunday and spend the night and take off Monday from work, because he had Monday off. You had sex, then pizza, then went back to his parents' house to watch movies where you initiated the relationship talk. He said he wants to go slow and doesn't want the relationship label. You were unhappy with the answer and cool. He kept asking what's wrong. You pretended nothing was wrong and left after the second movie.

 

He had his Xmas party last night, the one he said he wanted to take you to before he ever met you, but somehow after he met you, he didn't take you. He went with his mother.

 

Now you are wondering what to do? Let me ask:

 

What has this guy ever done for you? You haven't had a real date yet. No museum, no movie, no pool playing. He blew you off on Sunday and for the Xmas party.

 

To him apparently a date consists of holding you prisoner in his car, driving in circles, stopping at a random park to kiss. Or having you drive to his place to watch a movie and have sex with him.

 

What are you getting out of this? Have you had any fun? You were annoyed and on the fences after the first date. You were sick of driving around on the second date. And you were hurt and cool to him on the forth date. The 3rd date you met his entire family, including the mommy he took with him to the Xmas party he said he wanted to take you to.

 

How old are you both? Do you live with your parents too? Have you ever had a boyfriend before?

 

This is what I think:

 

I think the guy is horribly dysfunctional and creepy. I can't figure out why you even went on date #2 with him.

 

And then when date #2 consisted on him not taking you to the museum, movie or pool hall but driving around in circles for FOUR HOURS, during which you had trouble keeping the conversation going, I wonder why you agreed to date #3.

 

Date #3, you met his whole family. His whole strange, dysfunctional family. Men don't take mommy to their Xmas parties. If they don't have a date, they go alone. Why didn't mommy give up her ticket to you so you and he could go? That would be the normal thing to do. Is his mother married? His dad sat home while his wife and son went to the son's Xmas party. His 'girlfriend' sat at home while he took his mother out to the Xmas party. Dad and girlfriend sat at home while mother and son went to the Xmas party. You see nothing wrong with this? Really, nothing at all?

 

His mother has gone out on more dates with your 'boyfriend' than you have. He at least actually took her some place real rather than driving her around aimlessly stopping in random parks for chaste kisses (at least we hope he didn't do this).

 

This guy is a freak. Your gut told you right off that he was a freak, but once you had sex with him you are wondering if those flags are actually good signs. They are not. He's a freak, and you will never ever be happy with him. You've never had a good time with him.

 

I have to say all that driving around is serial-murderer creepy. Add in his family crowding around you on Tuesday and him taking his mother to the Xmas party instead of you...well, can you say Norman Bates?

 

He didn't contact you the day after he took his mommy to the Xmas party; the first time since he's met you he hasn't contacted you. You want to know if you should contact him or wait for him to contact you.

 

You should not contact him; you should block him and run far, far away from him. You will NEVER be happy with this guy. Not ever.

 

Also you need to raise your standards and self respect. Seriously ask yourself why you even consented to that second date and why after that hellish second date being driven around trapped in his car after having been promised the musuem, the movie and the pool hall, you agreed to drive to his house for the 3rd date. And why after having discussed on Tuesday that you wanted to take it slow before having sex, you drove to his house on Friday and almost immediately had sex, then pouted because he didn't want a relationship with you.

 

And most of all ask yourself why you get into the cars of strange men. It's not enough that they call you 'sweetie'. You need a better reason.

 

If you don't honestly look into these questions, you are going to be stuck with a long line of horribly unsuitable, creepy, strange, perhaps even dangerous guys. Stop getting into the cars of strange men. You got lucky this time; chances are you won't next time.

Edited December 4, 2011 by forms

[DDream]

Hi Forms,

 

Thanks for your reply. Let me rectify a few things though. He DID NOT go out to the party with his mother. He only asked her because he wasn't sure about me. He had to buy tickets before we met and, of course, I wasn't sure enough to accept at that point. He told me it was too late to buy tickets the second time we saw each other BEFORE he even started to hold my hand and kiss me. So, I'm not really worried about that. He really didn't have a ticket for me. I met the family and they are all really nice down to earth people.

 

But I agree it was weird that they all knew about me because he mentioned me before meeting me. I also agree there is a lack of effort on his part when it comes to organizing dates and that I probably should have more self respect. Obviously, if I let him to it, I'm sending him the message that it's okay for him to treat me that way. I don't know I wanted to see him again after the four-hours-drive date. There was something I liked about him even though the situation was kind of creepy. I think he just didn't know what to do. I think it's because he doesn't have lots of experience and he's really insecure.

 

About the sex, we only had sex once and it's honestly not because he pushed for it. Hell, I thought he wasn't into me at some point. He really didn't try at all. Really, he was more into cuddling and kissing and having sex. The only thing that was an issue (and it's pretty important in my opinion) is the fact that he was about to do it without protection. He was going that way and I stopped and said: "Hum, wait... Do you have protection?" I kind of found that weird a little bit. We did protect ourselves, by the way. I'd never do that without protection.

 

So, you don't think I should be seeing him again?

Edited December 4, 2011 by DDream

[in_absentia]

All I can think is how creepy he sounds, I was actually nervous reading the passage about him driving you around for FOUR HOURS and stopping at random parks for a peck on the lips, I can't believe you got into that situation with a guy you'd known two weeks. Do you have no sense of danger at all?

 

He sounds like a potential serial killer!

[WhiteChocolate]

I still don't understand why you went on date #3 with him. And then had sex, if you were feeling a bit creeped out.

 

Why did you go on another date after the 4 hour driving around. Didn't you have to stop for gas?

[DDream]

All I can think is how creepy he sounds, I was actually nervous reading the passage about him driving you around for FOUR HOURS and stopping at random parks for a peck on the lips, I can't believe you got into that situation with a guy you'd known two weeks. Do you have no sense of danger at all?

 

He sounds like a potential serial killer!

 

I thought about it of course. However, I felt that I could trust him. I know following your intuition is not always what you should do, but I just felt I had no reason to be scared. And I wasn't. I was just wondering when we'd stop. I asked him at some point: "I think you can take a break. There's a park there. Just stop for a few minutes at least." We talked for a little bit and then we made out, but that was about it. Honestly, I just think it's the lack of experience and the insecurity more than him being dangerous. But I know what you mean and that's definitely not something I usually do to get in a stranger's car. Absolutely not. I had lots of dates and it was the first time.

[FitChick]

From the get-go, there were red flags I should have probably acknowledged.

 

I didn't have to read the rest of the novel. This is how most of the threads on this website start out and we all know how they end.

[DDream]

I still don't understand why you went on date #3 with him. And then had sex, if you were feeling a bit creeped out.

 

Why did you go on another date after the 4 hour driving around. Didn't you have to stop for gas?

 

I don't understand either. Maybe I'm ****ed up, but there was and still is something I like about him.

[forms]

He DID NOT go out to the party with his mother. He only asked her because he wasn't sure about me. He had to buy tickets before we met... He told me it was too late to buy tickets the second time

 

But you understand it's weird he even ASKED his mother to go. Maybe a sister, if he couldn't stand to go alone. But not his mother. Most guys just go by themselves or another colleague if they don't have a date. Even if they WANT to take mommy to the Xmas party, most men know they shouldn't because all the other men at work will make fun of him later and it will scare off all the females at work.

 

If he bought a ticket for her, why couldn't you use it since she didn't go? Or did he ask her and she turned him down? That's just bizarre too. She's got more sense than him. The whole situation is weird.

 

The fact that he asked you to go to the Xmas party before you even met having only emailed for a week is weird. Weird, weird, weird. Normal people don't act like this.

 

How old is he? Why does he still live at home? How old are you? Have you had a boyfriend before.

 

About the sex, we only had sex once and it's honestly not because he pushed for it. ... The only thing that was an issue (and it's pretty important in my opinion) is the fact that he was about to do it without protection.

 

You only had sex once. That's a virtue somehow? You only had sex once, one week after meeting him, the very next date after telling him you wanted to go slowly and not have sex until you were comfortable, almost as soon as you saw him again. After 3 very unsatisfactory non-dates. And now you say he didn't even really want it, you pushed it on him....even though you weren't sure if he was into you or not. But it was okay because you insisted on protection--which he had on hand but had apparently decided not to use.

 

Sigh...

 

What does that tell you that he had a condom at hand? He's not as inexperienced as you think.

 

And then you did the where do we stand are you seeing others relationship talk. With a guy who you acknowledge is somewhat creepy. Whom you barely know. Who can't be bothered to take you out properly. Who blew you off less than a week before. Who wasn't all that interested in having sex with you.

 

I agree it was weird that they all knew about me because he mentioned me before meeting me.

 

They did because he talked you up. And because he'd only known you a week mostly by email, he didn't even know you, so he projected his imagination on you. This is an enmeshed strange family, no matter how nice and down to earth you think they are. And then you had sex in their house with their son whom you barely knew the next time they saw you. Weird and creepy.

 

 

I also agree there is a lack of effort on his part when it comes to organizing dates and that I probably should have more self respect. There was something I liked about him even though the situation was kind of creepy. I think he just didn't know what to do. I think it's because he doesn't have lots of experience and he's really insecure.

 

Lack of effort doesn't even begin to describe it. You had 3 or 4 dates organized. Museum, movie, pool, and Sunday activity. And he blew off all of them. That's not inexperience. You were on your way to the movies and he just took off with you and drove around instead. You were on the way--you thought--to the pool hall and he was just driving around with you.

 

Did he ask, let's drive for 4 hours rather than going to the pool hall? No, he just did it without your consent or prior knowledge. And what choice did you have trapped in his car god knows where? This isn't inexperience or insecurity, this is strange, mental illness type of behavior.

 

Had you gotten out of his car and gone straight to the police and sworn out a complaint of kidnapping, he would have been in serious trouble.

 

Insecure, inexperienced guys who don't know what to do, follow the game plan. They are at the museum on time. They show up for the movie. They go to the pool hall when the girlfriend suggests it. They don't trap you in their car and suddenly announce they don't like sitting in a theater after first agreeing moments before to go to the movies. If you don't like sitting in theaters, you say so when the discussion of going to the movies comes up.

 

I don't know I wanted to see him again after the four-hours-drive date. There was something I liked about him even though the situation was kind of creepy.

 

It's your job to know why. This is your life. You safety. Before you ever talk to another potential date, you need to have the answer to that. Because frankly the answer sound a whole lot like you are so desperate to have a boyfriend that you will do ANYTHING (except unprotected sex) to have one.

 

When you were driving around in circles for 4 hours, you say you were having trouble keeping the conversation going. You also said he didn't ask many questions about you. So...were their long periods of silence, or you chattering mindlessly just to fill the silence.

 

What do you think he was thinking driving around in circles with you for hours and hours and hours once he got you into his car under the false pretenses of going to the movies or pool? It's very possible he was thinking of doing you some really serious harm, considering and planning while you were driving about. Then you stopped in random parks for a light kiss before getting back in the car to drive around? The crime against you would have happened in the park, but maybe the situation wasn't right, or he lost his nerve. Maybe he's not an inexperienced boyfriend, maybe he's an inexperienced murderer/rapist.

 

I absolutely think you should have nothing more to do with him. And I absolutely think you need to understand why you put yourself in such jeopardy and showed such repeated lack of judgement.

 

I wish some others on this forum would jump in, because you have set yourself up to be the most perfect victim.

[DDream]

But you understand it's weird he even ASKED his mother to go. Maybe a sister, if he couldn't stand to go alone. But not his mother. Most guys just go by themselves or another colleague if they don't have a date. Even if they WANT to take mommy to the Xmas party, most men know they shouldn't because all the other men at work will make fun of him later and it will scare off all the females at work.

 

If he bought a ticket for her, why couldn't you use it since she didn't go? Or did he ask her and she turned him down? That's just bizarre too. She's got more sense than him. The whole situation is weird.

 

The fact that he asked you to go to the Xmas party before you even met having only emailed for a week is weird. Weird, weird, weird. Normal people don't act like this.

 

How old is he? Why does he still live at home? How old are you? Have you had a boyfriend before.

 

He didn't buy her a ticket. She didn't want to go with him. Perhaps it was just a joke when she said that anyway Who knows?

 

He's 26 and I'm 28. I did have 2 long term serious relationships before. I was in a 5 years relationship and in a 4 years relationship shortly after. I do live with my parents as well at the moment, but I got a permanent position at work not long ago and I'm currently looking to buy a house.

 

They did because he talked you up. And because he'd only known you a week mostly by email, he didn't even know you, so he projected his imagination on you.

 

Ok, I agree he probably likes the image he has of me as oppose to the real me. I think from the get-go, he was too much into the physical part of the relationship. I think he was focusing too much on the way I looked as opposed to the way I am. I agree with you on that one.

 

Lack of effort doesn't even begin to describe it. You had 3 or 4 dates organized. Museum, movie, pool, and Sunday activity. And he blew off all of them. That's not inexperience. You were on your way to the movies and he just took off with you and drove around instead. You were on the way--you thought--to the pool hall and he was just driving around with you.

 

Insecure, inexperienced guys who don't know what to do, follow the game plan. They are at the museum on time. They show up for the movie. They go to the pool hall when the girlfriend suggests it. They don't trap you in their car and suddenly announce they don't like sitting in a theater after first agreeing moments before to go to the movies. If you don't like sitting in theaters, you say so when the discussion of going to the movies comes up.

 

When you were driving around in circles for 4 hours, you say you were having trouble keeping the conversation going. You also said he didn't ask many questions about you. So...were their long periods of silence, or you chattering mindlessly just to fill the silence.

 

I wouldn't say he trapped me in his car. I don't usually get in a car with a stranger. I did because I felt I could trust him. I know it's not good enough of a reason, but that’s why I did it. While we were in the car, I did suggest to go play pool and I did try to keep the conversation going. Yes, there were periods of silence because I just didn’t know what else to say at some point. I know I took a risk, but I honestly do not usually do that. I trust my gut feeling.

 

Bottom line is I agree he should make more efforts. I also agree I should ask myself why I want a relationship with him.

Edited December 4, 2011 by DDream

[DearAbby]

Why did you have sex with him after one week? That was a huge fail. And then after, you asked where you stand? This is all so backwards. Please don't do this again. Go on several dates see if you even have anything in common or real feelings and where you even stand and then proceed. I think you really need to walk away and reevaluate your self esteem. Don't give yourself away so easily. Sex is very intimate.

[DDream]

Why did you have sex with him after one week? That was a huge fail. And then after, you asked where you stand? This is all so backwards. Please don't do this again. Go on several dates see if you even have anything in common or real feelings and where you even stand and then proceed. I think you really need to walk away and reevaluate your self esteem. Don't give yourself away so easily. Sex is very intimate.

 

I know. I feel stupid. I told him I wanted to wait and make sure he was really interested in me and just because he texted me "You are super sexy and, yes, I am really interested in you baby" after that night, I assumed it was the green light to go further. Brain fart on my part.

[O'Malley]

All of this seems to be rushed, two weeks into meeting. The "Doesn't want to label the relationship" generally comes across as someone wanting the benefits of a relationship, without the obligations of such. Do you perceive that he negates your feelings (such as when he drove around, instead of going to a specific place as you requested)?

 

It's important to understand and maintain healthy boundaries. The texts and compliments don't signify any real investment. When someone is truly interested in you, they contact promptly, make plans, and keep those plans or, at the minimum, discuss options with you and come to a mutual agreement. Not some meandering around on a strange jaunt without getting your approval beforehand. If he's a more passive type of individual, I would see him actually asking you for suggestions, rather than simply doing what he feels like, without your input.

 

Whether you decide to see this guy again or not, insist on going on actual public dates and don't become intimate until you're in mutual agreement where things are progressing. The issue seems to be that you both are going through the roles at this point and not truly becoming acquainted with each other.

[DDream]

All of this seems to be rushed, two weeks into meeting. The "Doesn't want to label the relationship" generally comes across as someone wanting the benefits of a relationship, without the obligations of such. Do you perceive that he negates your feelings (such as when he drove around, instead of going to a specific place as you requested)?

 

It's important to understand and maintain healthy boundaries. The texts and compliments don't signify any real investment. When someone is truly interested in you, they contact promptly, make plans, and keep those plans or, at the minimum, discuss options with you and come to a mutual agreement. Not some meandering around on a strange jaunt without getting your approval beforehand. If he's a more passive type of individual, I would see him actually asking you for suggestions, rather than simply doing what he feels like, without your input.

 

Whether you decide to see this guy again or not, insist on going on actual public dates and don't become intimate until you're in mutual agreement where things are progressing. The issue seems to be that you both are going through the roles at this point and not truly becoming acquainted with each other.

 

Thanks for the constructive feedback O'Malley. When I heard his answer, I immediately thought the same thing. Someone who wants the benefits of a relationship, without the obligations of such. That's why I got worried. I know actions speak louder than words and him telling me he really liked me and was really interested in me probably didn't mean much at all. I think I got carried away because he was so affectionate. I should have realized that it's not enough. And I should have also realized that him telling me he really was interested in me wasn't enough either to have sex with me. You are right that, even if he is a more passive type of individual, he should have still taken the time to either suggest activities or consult me. And, when I think about it, I do realize it. I do realize I made (and still make) most of the efforts here.

 

I'm not sure we'll see each other again at this point. I texted him this morning and he replied to my first two messages. However, he still hasn't replied to the last message I sent him. It's been more than 6 hours. I turned off my cell phone. I just don't understand what happened. It seemed okay Friday night, especially since he's the one who texted me "Good night sweets!" I don't really know what to think. Maybe I should just forget about it.

[wildtrac77]

I need to vent…

 

I met a man two weeks ago. We have seen each other four times so far. From the get-go, there were red flags I should have probably acknowledged. However, because I felt he was different than the other guys I met, I let it go. I liked the fact that he wasn’t playing games and that he was himself.

 

We exchanged e-mails for about a week before switching to texts. Two days before we met, we spent the evening texting and adding each other Facebook. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he couldn’t wait to finally meet me. He said he was worried I wouldn’t want to meet him anymore now that I saw more pictures of him. He said he needed to invite someone to his Christmas Party and wanted to invited me. He started calling me “sweets” and “sweetie”. I liked it, but I was feeling overwhelmed at the same time. I was on the fence about him, but I was looking forward to meeting him at the same time. It was strange. I felt strange. Anyhow, he texted me “Good morning sweets! “ when he woke up and we exchanged a few texts here and there during the day. Then, we finally met the following day.

 

Our initial meeting was okay. We met around 2. We walked in a park and then grabbed a coffee. I could feel he was really insecure. He kept telling me he was afraid he was boring me. He also told me multiple times I was beautiful. Then, I know it’s not a good idea, but we drove around in his car. At some point, while driving, he flat out asked him: “So, do you want to see me again?” It kind of took me by surprise. I said sure although I wasn’t really. It was really strange. The conversation was okay, but I felt he could have asked more questions about me. Anyhow, we agreed to see each other again the following Saturday. I asked him what would be the plan because I wanted to know if I had to drive to him or him to me. (We live 40 minutes apart.) He said: “I’ll pick you up if you want. I don’t want mind. Whatever you want me to. I went back home around 5:30. I texted him to thank him. We exchanged a few texts and he at some point texted: “I kind of miss seeing you already. I hope it’s not weird!” Well, it was indeed kind of weird and I didn’t know what to reply.

 

During the following week, he texted me everyday at least once. Sometimes in the morning. Sometimes before going to bed. Sometimes twice. Sometimes during the day. At some point he texted me that he wanted to kiss me when we met the first time and that couldn’t wait to give me a big hug when we’ll see each other again. He also told me he would probably like to hold my hand next time. Plus, he also said he was looking at my picture everyday. That’s when I told him that it was great, but that I wanted to still get to know him before it gets too far. Then, he texted a little less, but still at least once a day. It wasn’t overkill let’s say. It was just perfect.

 

Anyway, he got to my place Saturday around 3:15. He brought me flowers which was really sweet of him. We were supposed to go to a Museum, but I told him it was closing at 5. We got there at 4. So, we kind of decided to go elsewhere instead. I was really disappointed. We drove around for a bit and decided to go to the restaurant right away and catch a movie at the theatre afterward. During the dinner, he kind of asked how it was still on the dating Website. It’s as if he wanted to know if I was still on there. I just said I logged to check my messages, but wasn’t planning on meeting anyone else at this point. Anyway, it was 5:30 when we finished dinner. The movie was around 6:30 or 7, I think. So, he said let’s go walk in a park in the meantime. We got in his car and then he took my hand and held it. I was fine with it. I let him do it. We talked and listed to some music for a bit. Then, he eventually kissed me. We didn’t make out. He just gave me two gentle kisses on the lips. Again, I was comfortable with it. He kept worrying that I was bored. He said: “We’ll have to kill some time before the movie. Ah… There you go! I’m already boring you on our first date.” But I reassured him. He started driving around and next thing you know we just drove around FOREVER!!! He just kept driving and driving. He said: “I don’t really feel like a movie. I don’t like sitting in a theater.” I suggested playing pool and he agreed. I thought he was driving there because he said: “I know a good place.” But it never happened. It was strange again. I tried to hold the conversation, but it was kind of hard to do for like… 4 hours. I really tried to keep the conversation going, but I didn’t feel he was reciprocating. He kept holding my hand too though and sometimes kissed me. At some point, I told him to stop somewhere and take a break and it did. We stopped in a park near by. I was feeling really strange and I was trying to figure out what he wanted exactly because it wasn’t clear. We finally made out, but it took a while. He asked me when he could see me again and I asked when he was available. He said Friday and I agreed to it. He kept holding my hand afterward, but I know he wanted to go home to. So, he drove me home. When we got near, I said Friday was kind of far and asked what he was doing on Sunday (the following day). He said nothing and asked me if I wanted to see him. I said yes and he agreed and said he would text me. When he got home, he texted me. He said he enjoyed the evening and kissing me and couldn’t wait to see me again. The following day, I had a weird feeling. I waited for him to text me, but still I had no news at 12. So, I sent him a text just asking how he slept. It took him 2 hours to reply. By 4, he told me he had a family dinner, but we could see each other after. I was supposed to go to his place, but he only got back to me after 7. It was getting late already for a 40 minutes drive. So, we cancelled and I was pissed. He acted differently and I just told him good night and see you later. He said: “Yes, good night sweets. I’ll text you tomorrow and please don’t worry I’m interested in you!”

 

He texted me at 6:30 pm the following day. He asked if I wanted to come see a movie at his place Tuesday night. I agreed… even though I probably shouldn’t have to. He told me to drive safe. I got there, we watched a movie. We cuddled and kissed a little bit, but he didn’t try to go any further. He held my hand. He kissed me gently. We didn’t really make out. It was more soft kisses. We caressed each other a little bit, but nothing more. Plus, I told him I wanted to be sure he was really interested before doing anything and he said he understands and it can wait until I’m really comfortable. We agreed to see each other on Friday. (Yesterday) Anyway, I walked me to my car. We kissed good night and he texted me when I got home. He said he was really interested in me and couldn’t wait to see me again on Friday. Again, he texted me every day in between Tuesday and Friday. And, again, he keeps calling me “sweets” or “sweetie”.

 

So, we saw each other Friday. I was off and so was he. So, I was at his place at 2. At the beginning, he said he was off on Monday. I said I wasn’t. But he said I could call sick and then I could sleep over on Sunday. I don’t know if he was serious or not when he said that, but he looked like it was. I didn't say yes or no because I figured we would talk about it at the end of the evening. He hugged me and kissed me, but there were no big make out session. He didn’t push to have sex with me either… but we did. He kept asking if I was sure. Afterward, we decided to go grab some pizza. It was 4 at that point. He still acted liked he cared. He held my hand in the car. Then, we rented two movies. We went back to his place and cuddled again while watching the movies. But here’s where my problem is… After the first movie, I kind of asked him where we were standing. I said: "What if I want to delete my profile?" He said: "It's up to you. I didn't check my profile since we met." I said: "What if I don't want to meet anybody else right now?" He said: "Don't do it then!" I said I didn't like to see multiple people at the same time. He said: "I didn't think you would ask me that today. It's kind of a surprise." He said he wasn’t seeing anyone else, that he enjoyed spending time with me and still wants to see me, but wants to go slow and doesn’t want to label the relationship right away. It kind of turned me off a little bit. I was more distant while watching the second movie. He asked me multiple times if I was okay and I pretended I was, but I think he could he I wasn’t. He kept cuddling and holding my hand. He walked to my car when I left too. We kissed goodbye and hugged. He said he would text me today, but he ended up texted me when I got home. He said "Good night sweets!" and I said "Good night babe! Sorry about my change of mood. Have fun tomorrow night. I'm sure you'll look amazing in your suit! ;)" He asked me: "Everything good though" I said: "I was just thinking too much. Don't worry babe! Anyway, I'm off to bed. Have a good sleep! :)" It ended with him: "Good night! :)"

 

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't asking for a label Friday night. I mostly wanted to know if he was seeing other people. I was happy he wasn't, but I just wasn't that happy about the last part of his answer. I don't even know why. It almost feels like we already are in a relationship. He lives with his parents and I already met them as well as his two sisters and his brother in-law. He wanted us to hang out with one of his sister and her boyfriend last night. They were however busy. He didn't seem to be ashamed about it though. In fact, before we met, he said he mentioned me to his sisters and he showed them a picture of me. Everyone knew about me when I met them Tuesday night.

 

I probably gave mixed signals as well since I told him I wanted to take thing slow. We're both guilty of it. I don't know what happened. It's like we are both craving for it, but we are both insecure about it at the same time. Perhaps that's why we're attracted to each other. We're quite alike in that sense.

 

Anyway, I don’t really know what to think at this point. He looks like he is interested (and still interested after sex), but I really didn’t like his answer about where we stand. What do you guys think? Am I seeing things through pink colored glasses here or am I simply being insecure?

 

He had his Christmas Party last night. He wanted to invite me over, but it was too late to buy more tickets and his mother told me he asked her to go over with him. He also wanted her to take a picture of him in the suit he bought yesterday. She asked me if I was on his Facebook because he said he would post it there. I already told him before I went to bed Friday night to have fun tonight. We haven't talked to each other yesterday. Is it up to my to contact him now or up to me?

 

Thanks for your time!

 

 

Dating is supposed to be fun getting to know someone, not this weird freaky stuff you are writing here.. either/both the guy is on the rebound and/or not right in the head!!! Have you (the op) done much dating before this guy???

 

Move on.... This will never work out!!!

[chryssy83]

I feel like what you like about this guy is the fact that he's showing interest in you. You are too wrapped up in him if you are turning off your phone because he doesn't text.

 

Get more comfortable with your single self so that you convey confidence to men. Then they won't think they can get away with driving you around for what sounds like a miserable four hour drive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And I agree that this guy doesn't sound inexperienced.

 

I am kind of known for the "I am not seeing anyone else but I don't want to label the relationship" statement....but when I say it you can also assume that I haven't been telling my friends and family any more about you than what a couple of close friends would need to know to give the police a lead on where to find my body in case things go horribly wrong. A guy who talks you up to his family and then says that isn't taking things slow, he's a nut job. You can do better!!

[DDream]

I feel like what you like about this guy is the fact that he's showing interest in you. You are too wrapped up in him if you are turning off your phone because he doesn't text.

 

Get more comfortable with your single self so that you convey confidence to men. Then they won't think they can get away with driving you around for what sounds like a miserable four hour drive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And I agree that this guy doesn't sound inexperienced.

 

I am kind of known for the "I am not seeing anyone else but I don't want to label the relationship" statement....but when I say it you can also assume that I haven't been telling my friends and family any more about you than what a couple of close friends would need to know to give the police a lead on where to find my body in case things go horribly wrong. A guy who talks you up to his family and then says that isn't taking things slow, he's a nut job. You can do better!!

 

I don't know what he mentioned about me to his family though. Maybe he just told them he was going to meet me and he did so because he was really excited to meet me? It wouldn't be so abnormal then, no? I just know he showed my picture to his two sisters and they said I looked pretty. However, he did tell me at some point that he was looking at my picture every morning.

 

Anyway, he still hasn't replied to me. I don't expect him to. I think it's pretty much "over". I guess he wasn't that interested even though he kept telling me he was. What an ass...

[jstobo]

Sorry DDream. Just take a deep breath. Sigh. Say oh well and wait for another wink or e-mail from someone interesting. I too am getting tired of vesting one or two weeks with someone just to have it fizzle after one or two dates. The funny thing is, I feel just as lousy whether it's me rejecting the girl or being rejected. I just hate having to start searching again.

[DDream]

Indeed, jstobo. It sucks big time. I would really like to understand what the hell happened because it seemed okay when I left Friday night, even after we had sex. I don't ****ing understand what happened between Friday night and the now. I just don't. Plus, he kept telling me he was interested. Grrr... I hate wasting my time like that.

[jstobo]

Indeed, jstobo. It sucks big time. I would really like to understand what the hell happened because it seemed okay when I left Friday night, even after we had sex. I don't ****ing understand what happened between Friday night and the now. I just don't. Plus, he kept telling me he was interested. Grrr... I hate wasting my time like that.

 

My mind keeps going back to the sex part. It is a make or break for me. If it happens too soon, it usually breaks it for me. I can act like everything is the same for a bit, but eventually my lack of desire will show. As much as I want to have sex with someone, I usually need to have real strong emotional feelings for them to want to have sex with them again. I think that is what happened here. Sorry.

[ilovedhim]

Op, might I make a suggestion for next time you meet someone new.. plan everything ahead and tell someone close to you the plan, make sure destinations are within walking distance of each other, if meeting a distant partner meet half way this is also a good excuse to drive to the next place in your own car. Dont get into a strangers car! Ever! Most murderers/rapists are charming. How else will they lead their victims into their traps?

 

Dont be upset over this one, consider yourself lucky

Edited December 6, 2011 by ilovedhim

[eerie_reverie]

forms... love your first post and agree with it 100% too.

 

OP, this guy is a creepy loser... you only want to see him again because you're terrified of being alone. You sound like you have major self esteem issues.

[DDream]

Yes, I have self esteem issues. And, yes, I know I shouldn't be upset over it, but it bothers me somehow.

[DDream]

Well, since he still hasn't contacted me, I think I should just delete him from my Facebook and that's it, that's all. I guess I dodged a bullet anyway.

[Jaina19]

DDream, I know it's a bummer but I wouldn't be too disappointed over it. Honestly it sounds as if he has no respect for you. You wanted to go to the museum, you wanted to see a movie, you wanted to play pool. What actually happened is he drove you around in his car for four hours, so he completely ignored what you wanted to do. Also, he didn't want to use protection during sex. If he had any respect for you, or himself, he would insist on it.

Good luck on the dating site, I found a wonderful man on one who is now my boyfriend of 6 months, but I had to go through a lot of losers first