reboot Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Because I caused this. It is that simple. You can shoulder some or all of the faults of the marriage if you choose (although all of the fault could never be the truth), but you have NO fault concerning her cheating. That was HER decision. She had many options besides cheating on her husband. By the way, you're beyond crazy if you buy a house in both or even either of your names at this point in time.
Bryanp Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been? She is correct. Blame her and not the OM. She was the one who took the marriage vows and made a commitment to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Good luck.
Chi townD Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 (edited) If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you have been? She is correct. Blame her and not the OM. She was the one who took the marriage vows and made a commitment to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Good luck. Hell, the OM is to blame as well. He knew she was a married woman and he hooked up with her anyway. Dude, you need to expose this to everyone! Your son has a right to know, he is part of your family. Her family; brothers and sisters..your family...anyone that will listen. Tell them that you two are going through a rough time due to the fact that your wife is engaged in an affair and that you two could really use everybody's support through these trying times. Is she gonna be pissed that you did that? Yep! But here's the deal. Affairs are like cockroaches..they love the dark. When someone turns on the light, they scatter.Affairs are the same way. Now, once you expose, she going to be mad and PISSED and she say stuff like, " I was planning on working things out with you, but after this, we're done." Don't listen to it, it's textbook WW talk. When you tell others about her affair, they are going to approach her about it. And that knocks the affair into the light and makes it seem not so fun and dangerous and taboo. Knocks the spark out of it. Finally, if this guy is a trainer at the gym where she's training. I would call management and tell them what happened. Tell them that you want that guy fired and out of there or else you're going to bring a class action suit against the gym for allowing one of their employee's to destroy your marriage. That guy will be out of there.Right now, you need to grow a spine and FIGHT for yourself and your self respect. Oh! and contact the OMW, just because he says he's in a unhappy marriage, that might be news to his wife! Edited December 6, 2011 by Chi townD
turnera Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 We talked about my anger and that I should be angry at her, not him. I am afraid though if I show it or voice it I will lose her forever. So....letting her continue to schtup POSTrainer is NOT losing her? Wake up and find your cajones. Your depression is NOT a viable excuse to cheat. What exactly do you think she will think of you if you 'let' her keep her sugar daddy just so she doesn't leave you? Women have to respect their man. The instant you tell her she can keep screwing him, you lost her.
Author GenXer Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 If I stand up to her and demand that it stop now; I have nothing other than her word. Which right now is worth sh**. She is self employed and I work on the other side of town. Plus with school, I don't have a lot of time for her much less myself. This will be the longest month of my life. I am making plans that I am not 100% sure I can carry out. I don't want to leave her, I do want to work it out. But it REQUIRES both of us to make it work. Her heart just doesn't seem in it. -Xr
frozensprouts Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 OP, THIS WOMAN IS ABUSING YOU!! for the sake of your own mental health ( and that of your son) you need to get out now. You can still be a great dad, infact, you'll probably be a better one because you won't be weighed down by the knowledge that you are married to someone who is cheating on you. You'll be free. Please don't even consider "permanently checking out"...as this will have a negative affect on your son that will last his whole life"( my dad's father "checked out" himself and his wife- different circumstances though- and he still, after 40 years won't talk about them, both of whom he loved very much.- please don't do this to your son. you deserve so much more than what this woman is giving you (which, as far as I can tell is nothing more than heartache and pain), and it sounds like you already have some issues to deal with and right now you are not in a position to to take on hers as well. I know it's easy to say, not so easy to do, but please get away from this woman before she totally detsroys you. You deserve to be happy.
Chi townD Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 There's one thing for sure, you will NEVER be able to attempt reconciliation if the OM is in the picture. And you can put a period on that! That needs to stop. And you are right. Asking her to stop and her telling you that she ended it would be a straight up lie. Contact and expose to everyone. Even OMW.
Author GenXer Posted December 6, 2011 Author Posted December 6, 2011 No the 'permanent check out' is off the table. I did consider it twice, had the note written and it was all planned out. I really don't know if I could have gone through with it or not. But now that is not an option. If we go the D route, the OMW will be told, of that there is no doubt. And our son will be told everything, he needs to know that it is NOT his fault. I am sure that will make her mad, but at this point I am not sure if I even care. As far as if we try to work it out. I will have to wait and see. I will suggest MC for us and see what her reaction is. As I said before, she knows that I am on a forum discussing this. She just doesnt know which one and what screen name I am using. But if she reads the first post she will know it is me. I hope she reads it all. Hell I wish she would comment on it too. Atleast get some sort of useful conversation going. -Xr/AM67
Chi townD Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Personally, I hope she doesn't. LS should be your "safe place". A place to discuss how you're feeling, to vent and to receive advice. This should belong to you...also, I think she could really give a rats ass if you were here or not, just as long as you're out of her hair. Her mistake.
turnera Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 The #1 most effective way to stop an affair is to expose it to your wife's family and best friend and his family as well. Cheating is no fun when everyone knows about it. And don't give me the 'they'll all say I deserve it' crap. No one deserves to be cheated on. If she was so miserable she could have shown integrity and divorced you. Tell her one last time to stop seeing him. When she refuses, start making phone calls. All at once. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive another man.
Kidd Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 The #1 most effective way to stop an affair is to expose it to your wife's family and best friend and his family as well. Cheating is no fun when everyone knows about it. And don't give me the 'they'll all say I deserve it' crap. No one deserves to be cheated on. If she was so miserable she could have shown integrity and divorced you. Tell her one last time to stop seeing him. When she refuses, start making phone calls. All at once. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive another man. I can tell you from my experience that telling the other man's wife was the bes decision I've made since discovering my wife's affair 7 months ago. Period. Don't hesitate. I'd like the 45 days that I delayed back. They nearly killed me. I'm not even saying you should want her back but imagine if the other man's wife confronts him, he says he never loved your wife ("She seduced me; I don't love her, honey. I love YOU!") and leaves your wife for his real love at home. Your wife is left under the bus. Affair ends. Fantasy over. Your wife comes crawling back home. You'd be in a better position where you get to decide and she gets to be remorseful.
nofool4u Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 She says that she needs him until I get through my 44 yrs of **** that I have never dealt with. So not only is she putting the blame on you, she is telling you she won't stop screwing this guy. I'd pack her bags, take them over to the trainers house, hopefully with his wife there, drop her bags off there and say, "here, you are going to F my wife, then you take her in" And that once I am well on the road to getting better, she will drop him and we can be intimate again. Bulls***. She gets rid of him now or leaves.
Author GenXer Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I have found a very good website with a FAQ that is very helpful to me. http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp
robf1971 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 So not only is she putting the blame on you, she is telling you she won't stop screwing this guy. I'd pack her bags, take them over to the trainers house, hopefully with his wife there, drop her bags off there and say, "here, you are going to F my wife, then you take her in" Bulls***. She gets rid of him now or leaves. Totally right advice, Do this.... I wouldn't hesitate for a microsecond, stop being so scared of your wife.!!
robf1971 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Women have to respect their man. Genx, this is KEY. Women cannot love a man they don't respect Would you respect your wife if she let you go out and get laid without any consequences? Do you think allowing your wife to get laid with no consequences is going to get her to respect you? Believe it or not you can have a crack at reconciling with your wife but only if you do what feels 'wrong' you don't even need to be nasty, do it in a loving way... eg 'Wife, I get it, you want to be with 'trainers name' and I've changed my mind I want you to be happy with him, so I've packed your bags and will even help you move in there' I've also consulted a lawyer to process a separation agreement so we are both protected' Let her go, set her free, let her have this 'wonderful, fantastic,amazing' relationship with this shmuck, wish her well. Concentrate on you, if and I say if your wife wants to come crawling back to you, and you even want her at that point, make it damn difficult .
Author GenXer Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 I am taking care of myself. I have my third therapy appt tomorrow night. In the link in my last post it talks about 'Don't act like you are getting on with your life, DO IT!'. And thats what I am doing. I am concentrating on me. She wants to have a good christmas, fine let her have it. Because I am looking for a better paying job, i expect that some will open up after the first of the year. Once I get better pay, I will be able to afford to move out on my own. I am becoming more and more detached from her. She says this, she says that, whatever; actions speak louder than words. Because it is still going on. My road to recovery for myself has already begun. Whether she is there along the way is yet to be seen (the hopeless romantic in me), but I am not counting on it. I also have been consolidating my life, getting rid of crap I don't need or don't use. Minimizing everything. -Xr PS: I want to thank everyone for their advice and support, you words have not fallen on deaf ears! I owe you so much.
robf1971 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I am taking care of myself. I have my third therapy appt tomorrow night. In the link in my last post it talks about 'Don't act like you are getting on with your life, DO IT!'. And thats what I am doing. I am concentrating on me. She wants to have a good christmas, fine let her have it. Because I am looking for a better paying job, i expect that some will open up after the first of the year. Once I get better pay, I will be able to afford to move out on my own. I am becoming more and more detached from her. She says this, she says that, whatever; actions speak louder than words. Because it is still going on. My road to recovery for myself has already begun. Whether she is there along the way is yet to be seen (the hopeless romantic in me), but I am not counting on it. I also have been consolidating my life, getting rid of crap I don't need or don't use. Minimizing everything. -Xr PS: I want to thank everyone for their advice and support, you words have not fallen on deaf ears! I owe you so much. Ok changes are good and actions are incredibly important as you say. Your wife is probably amazed that you are allowing her to carry on like this under your nose with zero consequences. She probably despises you for it deep down. Your action that is MOST visible to her is the one that is allowing her to TOTALLY and UTTERLY disrespect you buy carrying on like this openly and under your nose. I think you need to discuss with your therapist why you have such low self esteem and self respect as to allow someone to treat you like that. Perhaps this will enable you to see that you deserve a heck of a lot better. Either that or you are still in denial. I wish you the best
turnera Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 If you're moving on, why will you not expose the affair?
nofool4u Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I have found a very good website with a FAQ that is very helpful to me. http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp Thats site is a pile of s*** that is run by cheaters.
Author GenXer Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 Oh I will expose it, that you can count on. As far as that site goes, had no idea, the faq seemed to give sound advice. Know of any good ones beside here? -Xr
Mr_Confused Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Thats site is a pile of s*** that is run by cheaters. I found the site to be well run. It looked like a good forum for betrayed spouses to support one another either through recomciliation or divorce. They do have a section for wayward spouses but as i understand it......only for those seeking to recommit to their marriages.
turnera Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Marriageadvocates.com is the best one I know of.
sadcalifornian Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 I recommend talkaboutmarriage.com. It is more geared toward BH.
Author GenXer Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Another big blow up. This will be my last post here, I cant list all of the reasons here, it would take days. I have serious mental issues, and I am getting help. But I am being pulled into too many directs and losing focus on what I want and what I need. It may sound insane but I believe her, as I said, the reasons would take days to explain. But I am getting help with my anger and rage issues that go back before we ever met. I didn't deal with them in my 44 yrs and now it is coming back and killing me. I wont let it win. I can't let it win. If for no other reason than our son, I can't let it win. I will be stronger on the other side. -Xr Edited December 8, 2011 by GenXer
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