Cheated on

[GenXer]

Ok, I will try to cut this down to size. Married twice, divorced once. Wife #1, cheated on me while she was stationed overseas, ended in 1 yr. Second wife, been together for 17 yrs, one child between us and one she had I adopted as my own. The only father he has ever known.

The sunday before our 17 yr anniv. I found out that she was cheating with our trainer. And older guy, late 50's, bodybuilder, unhappily married.

She is into the 'fitness model' competition, it is just below full bodybuilding. The fitness model thing is the first thing she has ever really wanted for herself. I found texts and pics they exchanged. Very graphic. I confronted her, she said she was sorry, it was just an escape, no one was ever to get hurt or find out, she still loves me, doesn't love him. Jump forward 3 weeks, it is still going on. I found more texts, more pics. I knew something was going on, I confronted her again. I have clinical depression, it has been treated with meds but never therapy. As I get more depressed I withraw from almost everyone and everything. I still work and do what I am expected but not much more. I had checked out of our relationship, we were living like roommates.

She says that she needs him until I get through my 44 yrs of **** that I have never dealt with. And that once I am well on the road to getting better, she will drop him and we can be intimate again. She still talks about our future, short term and long term. I have opened up more to her. At first I thought I could handle it, now I am not so sure. She does alot of texting, not just to him. Now everytime she is texting I think it is to him.

I refuse to snoop anymore, it has hurt me to the point that I had written a final note and was ready to check out for good, twice. Don't know if I would have actually gone through with it or not. But everything was set and ready to go. The first time she stopped me without even knowing what I was up to. The second time she stopped me, she reasoned me out of it.

I am getting therapy, but it is going to take a very long time.

Am I crazy or a fool for trying to make this work, or should I just leave her?

Xr

[sadcalifornian]

She says that she needs him until I get through my 44 yrs of **** that I have never dealt with. And that once I am well on the road to getting better, she will drop him and we can be intimate again.

 

 

Wow, she has the gall to say this to you? What a disrespectful Wxxxx!!! I know you have depression and are not in a good state of mind to effectively deal with this, but enough is enough. You must contact the lawyer and make an ultimatum: either end the affair or divorce. If you don't get a grip on this situation, your depression will only get worse.

[jnj express]

Her telling you that she is just with this guy for sex, and nothing more---is BS.---If that were so, she could drop him now, which she isn't doing, so what she has with her trainer/lover is more than JUST sex.

 

If you are to heal from your problems, and stay in the mge., then she needs to know that you won't heal with her A., on your mind so her A., needs to end.

 

If you wanna get a D., then let her do, whatever she wants, and just cut her loose.

 

If there is to be R., she has to go NC, with the trainer/lover, and dump him for her prep. for her shows.------By now she must know her training, and posing routines, and she shouldn't need outside help. If she still needs help with her routines, I am sure she can find one of the other girls, who works out, and poses, to help her.

 

She needs to end her A., if your mge., is to have any chance.----Your sub--conscious will not let it be any other way.

[flutterbykiss]

She says that she needs him until I get through my 44 yrs of **** that I have never dealt with. And that once I am well on the road to getting better, she will drop him and we can be intimate again. She still talks about our future, short term and long term. I have opened up more to her. At first I thought I could handle it, now I am not so sure. She does alot of texting, not just to him. Now everytime she is texting I think it is to him.

 

And just how are you supposed to get mentally healthy while you're living in a state of constant fear and betrayal? How unreasonable!

 

I don't think you're crazy for wanting to save your M. You obviously love your W very much. IMO, however, it take takes both people working together to re-establish a healthy way to approach their issues and concerns together - rather than reacting as individuals. It's not a matter of you fixing your **** and then she fixes her **** and voila(!), no problems.

 

Unfortunately, if your W doesn't want to work with you there is nothing you can do alone that will make the relationship between the two of you better. My advice is to focus on yourself. Accept that you can't fix the R alone and don't try to. Tell her that if she won't nurture and respect the R then she doesn't get to have it. Then let it and her go. It is possible that, once you do start to get your **** together, she may start to feel that she can invest in you again. IF that happens, you can decide then if you want to try again with her.

 

Bottom line: You cannot fix anything while you allow her to keep stepping on you. You have to stop allowing that because it will get you nothing - not mental health, not her respect or her willingness to invest in you.

 

Good luck and take care.

[GenXer]

As far as the fitness model stuff, she has only been interested in it for the last 6m to 1 yr. Before this she was always taking care of everyone else, and would barely do anything for herself. And he is the only one I know of that can get her to where she wants to be in a yr.

At first I was very happy that I got her to admit some truth. But now I feel I have made a bad deal with the devils. Now everytime she goes somewhere, I wonder, when she is texting, I wonder, when she is 'working out' or at work, I wonder. My depression causes me to live in the past alot. I am working on it, but after 44 years of it....

Financially, it is impossible for us to split. Neither of us make enough to support just ourselves and our son. BTW Just to add to my 'sunny disposition'; the anniv. of our daughters death is coming up next weekend. She was just 5. I miss her every single day.

Everything that I thought I knew about my W. has been turned upside down. I really do want to die sometimes. But the last time she reminded me of what it did to my family when my dad shot himself. And would I really want to do that to our son. That thought alone has helped me get through alot of this sh**.

Regardless of what happens to us, I have to be there for our son. And be a better father than my dad was.

In my own twisted thought process, I thought that by getting her to admit that, that it would shame them in to quitting. Or maybe it would take the thrill out of it somehow. Maybe I am just a glutton for punishment.

-Xr

[GenXer]

Other things to consider:

1) She suggested, because I really don't have any friends to talk to, getting on a forum like this and talking to someone, anyone about what I am going through.

2) She has openned up to me more and talks to me more. I have openned up to her more too.

3) After the first of the yr, she still talks about, getting our house in our name. We currently rent. We talk about what we would like to do to the house as far as fixing it up.

4) This is so not the first time I have checked out. It is almost a bi-annual thing. I do ok for a while, and start slipping back into the same problem. Never getting any real help. Just more arguing. I appologizing and crying like a little bitch. It has happened more times than I can remember.

5) She has never tried to check up on me.

6) Both the trainer and I asked if she is/would do both of us (in the same day). She laughed and said no. I have not talked to him since the saturday before I found out.

7) We have been intimate probably 3 times in the last yr.

 

I am not trying to make excuses for either of us. We were both wrong. But as I told her, if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing (being there not just physically, but emotionally and mentally) we would not be where we are right now. She says that's not the case. She says that it is her fault because she could have always said no.

 

-Xr

[Untouchable_Fire]

She says that she needs him until I get through my 44 yrs of **** that I have never dealt with. And that once I am well on the road to getting better, she will drop him and we can be intimate again. She still talks about our future, short term and long term. I have opened up more to her. At first I thought I could handle it, now I am not so sure. She does alot of texting, not just to him.

 

Am I crazy or a fool for trying to make this work, or should I just leave her?

Xr

 

I think you have zero self esteem and this woman is abusing you. Quite frankly its deplorable.

 

She is taking advantage of you in a way most cruel. Perhaps, you feel guilty for neglecting her... or something in the past. However, if you do not stand up to her and soon... there will be nothing left to save.

 

She can't love a man she doesn't respect. Nobody and I mean nobody can respect a man who gives up and wants to shoot himself.

 

You need to stand up and take control. Give her the boot.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Other things to consider:

1) She suggested, because I really don't have any friends to talk to, getting on a forum like this and talking to someone, anyone about what I am going through.

2) She has openned up to me more and talks to me more. I have openned up to her more too.

3) After the first of the yr, she still talks about, getting our house in our name. We currently rent. We talk about what we would like to do to the house as far as fixing it up.

4) This is so not the first time I have checked out. It is almost a bi-annual thing. I do ok for a while, and start slipping back into the same problem. Never getting any real help. Just more arguing. I appologizing and crying like a little bitch. It has happened more times than I can remember.

5) She has never tried to check up on me.

6) Both the trainer and I asked if she is/would do both of us (in the same day). She laughed and said no. I have not talked to him since the saturday before I found out.

7) We have been intimate probably 3 times in the last yr.

I am not trying to make excuses for either of us. We were both wrong. But as I told her, if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing (being there not just physically, but emotionally and mentally) we would not be where we are right now. She says that's not the case. She says that it is her fault because she could have always said no.

-Xr

 

1) She wants to occupy your time and feel less guilty about it. This will give her more freedom to devote to the other guy.

2) NO, she is not opening up to you. She is just shoveling sh** in your face. As long as she continues FUC**** the other guy... you might as well be another woman to her.

3) Clearly she plans on using whatever financial resources you have to support her lifestyle... while she continues screwing around. Don't be stupid about this. Right now you have no future as a husband with her.

4) Your problems are pretty much irrelevant. Chances are that she is the cause of these problems to begin with. If you had a decent wife, she would build UP your self esteem over the years instead of tearing you down!

5) She doesn't care if you cheat or believe you can find another woman willing to have sex with you.

6) She told you this for a reason. This bitch is a complete manipulator... Do you seriously believe any word she says?

7) Why???

 

Stop trying to blame yourself for this. YES you share 50% of the responsibility for how the relationship was before the affair. Now she is to blame 100%... and SHE must do the work to fix things first.

 

Where is your anger? Doesn't this situation just piss you off? You should be tearing the roof down!

[GenXer]

My anger has been solely directed at me. Because I caused this. It is that simple.

She has tried for years to help me. She was the one that worked so I could be a stay at home dad with the kids. I got to see our daughter take her first steps and speak her first words. She is the one that pushed me to get out of crappy menial jobs. She supported me while I went back to college at age 41. Until now, she has been my biggest supporter. She is not a golddigger type. She doesn't want diamonds, new cars, big houses, fancy clothes. She is a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Hates to shop for herself. Loves to shop for others. She has always been willing to work along side me in whatever we did. I never gave her the support she needed, I just took from her. She has said that if I want to go, she wont stop me. And that I may never trust her again. But she does still love me and wants to make it work. Thats all I have.

I don't know how this will work out. But hope is all I have, and if I can get better in the mean time. Hell I just may survive it if she does leave me. We have talked at length about them. She says that he is not as perfect as I think he is. At one time I did kind of look up to him as a father figure. I knew he was not perfect. But he took care of his family, worked 2 jobs, and managed to find the time to bodybuild, and train others. He is also a racist (not the extreme kind), a liar, he does steroids, he loves to gossip about everybody. At one time I did considered him a friend.

Of course not now. I have never been a violent person, but everytime I see an accident now, I pray I see his damned car in the middle of it. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

We talked about my anger and that I should be angry at her, not him. I am afraid though if I show it or voice it I will lose her forever. Maybe I can get through a conversation with her and not feel like a total piece of crap. She is not blaming me or belittling me, I do enough of that on my own. She does seem to care about me.

We have decided to wait till after christmas (and several more therapy sessions) before we make any final call on this. I just have to make it to next thursday, and the thursday after that, etc.

I appreciate everyone's opinion, maybe I am a fool. But where I am right now in my head, I can't make any reasonable decisions.

-Xr

[Popehappycat]

The bit about her saying when you get your sh*t together and she'll stop the affair was all I needed to read. Get your sh*t together by first dropping her. Only a selfish person (trust me, I really want to use other words to describe her) could say something like that. She's using you until she can either fully be with this man or the next available one. Do yourself, your future, your children, your finances and your emotional well-being a favor and bolt from this woman. You deserve more, don't let her ruin you any further.

[jnj express]

One thing you definitely need to do---is to tell her lovers wife, what is going on----You may not actually know the real truth about her lover, and his mge., may not be what he says it is----his wife is entitiled to know she is married to a complete scumbag, and a cheat

 

You can also let the owner of the gum he works out of know, that he is having sex with his clients, to the ruination of their mge., that gym is represented by this scum who is doing your wife---they also may have some responsibility, liability, in this matter, but for sure, they should know what the people who work for them are doing

 

Beyond that, your wife, is just taking advantage, and you are allowing it, she doesn't care, and you have convinced yourself, its all your fault, and you can't/won't do anything about it

 

If you need to fix what is causing your depression, then do so, but nothing is gonna get any better, as you fret, while watching your wife, hace sex with another man

 

You make her out to be some kind of martyr, but if she were decent, and moral, she would have gotten a D., then gone looking for love, from others

 

Also do not delude yourself, that there are no others, that can prepare your wife for shows, and contests---there are plenty of gyms out there, and they all have personnel, that can get contestants ready for contests----your wife is just being led by the nose by this guy, or just doesn't know what things are all about it the MISS, this and that, contest, and show world.

[goldengirl86]

Im sorry you are obviously going through a really hard time right now. I have suffered from depression, maybe the lack of self worth that comes along with that allows people to treat us with such disrespect.

 

Your wife has supported you yes, has it benefited her as well yes! Juest remember you have equaly contributed to your family, being a stay at home dad is just as vital as working, you love her son like your own.

 

What are boundaries? Something that i am learning is that there has to be boundaries otherwise it a trainwreck waiting to happen.

Your wife told you she was continuing with the affair, until you got better, what if it takes you 20 years to get better, its not going to take weeks it takes years and what about relaspes, does she get to check back out then too.

 

So either you decide to have an open marriage and what is good for one is good for all and you come to terms with this, you tell her to stop, unless your ok with it which your obviously are not. She does not get to check out because you have issues, and have sex with this man, get a vibrator! And if its not about sex then it emotional and that is a whole different ball park.

[seibert253]

Your marriage will not change, you will remmain depressed, and your WW will continue her A until you grow a pair and demmand it stop.

 

Until you stand up for yourself your WW has no reason to stop, and she wont. There's a very quick way to bring some resolution to this; tell your WW she either ennds the A, or moves out and you will file for D. She needs a wake up call. If you chose not to do this then you will contiued to share your WW. Come on dude, its time you get pissed and do something about this.

[GenXer]

We had another long talk, that really got nowhere. She had to ask what I wanted her to do. She actually had to ask. I know that it will be a while before we are intimate again. I just want my wife back. Funny thing is she always said that the sex was not the most important thing in our relationship. Now it is the very thing that is tearing us apart. I am now realizing that it is done and over. I never thought that 20 yrs later I would be in the same position again. I don't want to end. I could not take it anymore, I ended up just walking away. She doesn't want to make this work. I am holding off till after the first of the year. I have started saving up to get the D. It is more than I can afford right now. But I will get the money together. I appreciate everyone's advise. I have taken it to heart. Thank you all.

-Xr

Edited December 5, 2011 by GenXer

[GenXer]

BTW this is kind of off topic. Since I found out that she was cheating on me, I have been as horny as a 13 yo. Is this a common occurance/normal reaction? I am not sure if it has to do with that or my depression.

 

-Xr

[Kidd]

BTW this is kind of off topic. Since I found out that she was cheating on me, I have been as horny as a 13 yo. Is this a common occurance/normal reaction? I am not sure if it has to do with that or my depression.

 

-Xr

 

Sorry about what you're going thru. I would have preferred to have lost my right arm than to go thru this. Know that life does go on and it does get better.

 

There is a separation and divorce forum on this site. You may find more support there. You are not alone at all and you did not deserve this.

 

As for your sex drive, yes, it's normal. It's called hysterical bonding. Most theorize that it's our attempt to reclaim our wife (and her ass).

 

It's time for you to take steps to take care of yourself. Focus on actions rather than emotions as much as you can.

 

Good luck to you. Infidelity sucks sh't. Again, you did nothing to deserve this. Her ethical choices were to fix the marriage or leave, not to betray, lie, and deceive to meet her own selfish "needs." You'll find a woman that's worth your faithfulness and life will be better than it was. Again, you're not alone.

[RobD70]

BTW this is kind of off topic. Since I found out that she was cheating on me, I have been as horny as a 13 yo. Is this a common occurance/normal reaction? I am not sure if it has to do with that or my depression.

 

-Xr

Its normal, you are wanting a "reclaim" her now that she has given herself to someone else.

 

The good news is once you are single again you'll have more sex than you'll know what to do with. Be picky on who you date though, some people get too attracted to their rebounds at first when they have low self esteem. There's an unlimited amount of women out there, don't settle because you get impatient.

 

Good luck on the D, that will either set you free and/or force your W to end her A to try to keep you. Either way its win-win.

[GenXer]

No, I did the meaningless sex thing after my first D. it was not what I wanted or needed. Not again, I will just throw myself into my career. I am done with women. I have always ended up getting burned, always. That's what I like about computers, they can be figured out. You can find why they are acting they way they are. Women on the other hand tell you one thing, act another, and expect a third. Too many variables to comprehend. No offense to any ladies out there. But I am just tired and empty feeling. 17 yrs just thrown away. Funny thing is if I had to do it over, the same way, I would.

 

-Xr

[Bryanp]

1. Contact the OM's wife. By not doing this you are sending a message that it is acceptable for him to keep screwing your wife.

2. Get tested for STD's.

3. See a lawyer to understand your options.

4. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be putting up with this?

5. Nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is absolutely toxic to you and will destroy you. Open your eyes.

[GenXer]

1. She will be contacted when the D starts. It will not be face to face, she has some serious mental issues. I would be concerned that she may try to shoot the messanger.

2. We have not had sex since this has been going on. My depression is at least partially to blame here.

3. The problem there is we have an attorney friend, but he would more than likely take her side. And he is good, real good. Though it really doesn't matter, I don't want much more than can fit in my car.

4. I would not expect her too, but, no I don't think she would.

5. I am working on that in therapy, I have been this way for as long as I can remember. It will take yrs I'm sure.

[Chi townD]

BTW this is kind of off topic. Since I found out that she was cheating on me, I have been as horny as a 13 yo. Is this a common occurance/normal reaction? I am not sure if it has to do with that or my depression.

 

-Xr

 

Yeah, this is called hysterical bonding. It's a subconious reaction to try and "reclaim" what is yours. And in this instance, this being your wife.

 

Dude, you need to get out. She's making you a straight up cuckold. " Hey Honey! I'm going out on my date and I might spend the night at his place so don't wait up for me. OH, and can you do the dishes for me? You know I hate when dishes sit in the sink. Thanks! Bye!"

 

I have a strong feeling that a lot of your problems will go away once you rip that cancer out of your life. Continue to go to therapy and get the help you need. If things get bad for you again. I mean REALLY bad. Go to the Emergency Room. No woman is worth ending your life over. The actions of your wife are cold, cruel and evil. She's suggested that you find a forum to help you get through this...well, I hope she just read that.

[jnj express]

If you want the D., and she is also willing, and doesn't want to work on the mge., the 2 of you can do what thousands of other couples have done---just do the D. yourselves

 

You can go to your local county courthouse, and buy the D., packt, it costs somewhere tween 10 and 20 bucks

 

Filing fee is probably around 300 bucks.

 

Go on line and google your state's family codes, and everything you need will be in those codes, as to how to proceed with your D., and property settlement. It is these very same codes, that atty's in your state use---so save yourself the money, and use them yourself---or if you don't wanna go that route, then go to the closest law library to you, there will be plenty of info., on how to proceed to a D., yourself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It sounds like the most important thing is to focus on you. You don't seem like you're in a position to manage all of these emotions and circumstances in your life, in fact you probably would have enough difficulty managing your own life on your own, let alone tending to the needs of your wife and I can't comment on child but I presume that anything that affects you trickles down to them.

 

The fact that your wife is finally lashing out in a way internally to try and satisfy her own needs...even if it's only minimal is a way your wife is choosing to cope with the challenges in her life. A new man is a different dynamic, something different, someone she can communicate about her marriage with and kind of get some support.

 

It does sound like she ultimately wants to be with you as the new guy is only a supplement, but only after you've made some changes. She's been there for you in the past it just seems like she can't take it at this point, people are selfish at a point...i find it funny that people scorn other people for being that way. You are selfish with your depression, and she is selfish in her needs, we all are.

 

It must be quite hurtful watching your wife do what she is doing, but after 17 years it sounds like she gave it a good shot, I don't think I could've done any better myself to be honest.

 

If you can't stabilize your own life by seeking as much therapy and assistance as possible then this will just add to the amount of things you are already suffering from. You need to be able to face the demons in your past and learn to fight through those emotions and realize that it's better to face things and get over them than let them pile up and drown you. Maybe you'll need medication to assist you with that, but I think forming an attitude that you can do this and you can find happiness must come from a deep desire and relentless will to do so...you're losing everything it seems, but don't lose yourself, draw the line and fight to save yourself with a tenacity.

[robf1971]

. A new man is a different dynamic, something different, someone she can communicate about her marriage with and kind of get some support.

 

It does sound like she ultimately wants to be with you as the new guy is only a supplement, .

 

Actually, his (OP's) wife's actions are clearly showing that she no longer loves him.

 

It would also suggest that she ultimately wants to be with the OM. In fact the only way that the OP would have a chance of 'winning' his wife back would be to dump her like a sack of manure.

[GenXer]

Well, I am considering the D, but I don't want to do it but it feels that she is pushing me towards it. At the same time she truly seems concerned about me and my mental health. Hell, she still gets on my case if I try to fix my lunch for work, something she has always done.

The lastest is, she has been saying not to be mad at him. She always had the option of saying no. So be mad at her not him. Work has been very slow and that gives my warped mind a chance to take me on an emotional rollercoaster. I cant stop thinking about it for more than a minute or so. So now I am mad at her and then she starts giving me attitude!

On top of trying to fix myself, and learn a new job, and go to school, and keep it away from our 22yo son, on top of this weekend's dark day. It feels like a perfect storm building up. I am afraid I will be lost in it. Started having a panic attack last night in class. Started to hyperventalate...was able to calm myself down before it got bad.

If I knew that she would give him up to give us a shot. I would be all for it, but it is too important to her right now. I am not sure why, he must mean more to her than she is saying. Maybe she doesn't even realize it.

-Xr

Edited December 6, 2011 by GenXer