Emilia Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Him: Hahaaha... your awesome! Lol Me: I know. You’re missing out Him: I’m missing you! Me: Prove it. Him: Pop quiz... Would you ever consider moving up here? Me: Yes. For you I’d consider it. But not if I’m just an option booty call. Him: I don’t think I would ask you that if I was looking for an option booty call. Me: That’s why I’m so confused. I never pressured you about exclusivity yet you seemed so worried about it. We are both clearly single and have yet toset boundaries. But down the road, if I’mgoing to be with someone, I need to be their top priority and not just an option. Him: I understand that and feel the same way. Me: Ok. Then do you want to see me again or am I still being put on the backburner? Please be honest, either answer is fine. Him: Well righ tnow I feel like I need time. But I def do wanna see you again! Me: Ok. All of this is your trying to convince him to date you and he is dragging his feet but trying to keep you sweet at the same time. You are being a pushover and he is showing you so much disrespect it's quite unbelievable in my eyes how you let him get away with it.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) Him: I’m missing you! Him: Well righ tnow I feel like I need time. But I def do wanna see you again! WTF is that??? Thi guy is playing head games with you. Give a me freaking break! Don't waist your time with this guy! If you miss someone then you want to be with them. I just came out of a 11 year marriage, and I'm seeing someone. Those hurt feelings of my wife leaving me are always going to be there, but I've been seeing this new girl for two months now, and I really like her. If your not ready for a relationship, you don't tell a person that you miss them. That's head games and cruel. This guy is pissing me off now. Edited December 5, 2011 by Soxfaninfl
daphne Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Me: That’s why I’m so confused. I never pressured you about exclusivity yet you seemed so worried about it. We are both clearly single and have yet toset boundaries. But down the road, if I’mgoing to be with someone, I need to be their top priority and not just an option. Him: I understand that and feel the same way. Me: Ok. Then do you want to see me again or am I still being put on the backburner? Please be honest, either answer is fine. Him: Well righ tnow I feel like I need time. But I def do wanna see you again! Me: Ok. Ok, now I know that you are in denial. Like little tiger, I noticed the part of the conversation that confirms my suspicions. You did a great thing by pointedly asking him if you were being backburnered, and inviting him to be honest without attacking him. He still told you he's backburnering you and you said Ok. You had the tough conversation, you set your boundary. Then you BACKED OFF of making it. This tells him that you don't mean it. That he can back burner you. He just did it. Read it again. I'm not trying to be harsh. This is something I've done myself multiple times. And it makes no sense to set a boundary then not enforce it.
Anela Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Ok, now I know that you are in denial. Like little tiger, I noticed the part of the conversation that confirms my suspicions. You did a great thing by pointedly asking him if you were being backburnered, and inviting him to be honest without attacking him. He still told you he's backburnering you and you said Ok. You had the tough conversation, you set your boundary. Then you BACKED OFF of making it. This tells him that you don't mean it. That he can back burner you. He just did it. Read it again. I'm not trying to be harsh. This is something I've done myself multiple times. And it makes no sense to set a boundary then not enforce it. Yep. I've been there in a way, too - only the guy wasn't seeing anyone, but he was flaky. the fact that he was flaky, should have been my answer, but I made excuses (at times), because of things he'd told me. I tried to move on, and he would contact me, in some ways easing my fears about certain things, and then saying things like "let's not do that 'he said' and 'she said' thing, because it makes me sad." I didn't let him get away with that one, but I also didn't just tell him to leave me alone (as I should have). Please don't let him waste your precious time. He shouldn't be talking about you moving up there, when he can't even go to the movies with you, and if he had fallen for you, there is no way he would be taking the chance of another man whisking you out from under his nose. <3
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Ok, now I know that you are in denial. Like little tiger, I noticed the part of the conversation that confirms my suspicions. You did a great thing by pointedly asking him if you were being backburnered, and inviting him to be honest without attacking him. He still told you he's backburnering you and you said Ok. You had the tough conversation, you set your boundary. Then you BACKED OFF of making it. This tells him that you don't mean it. That he can back burner you. He just did it. Read it again. I'm not trying to be harsh. This is something I've done myself multiple times. And it makes no sense to set a boundary then not enforce it. I was not setting boundaries. I was getting a clear picture in my head of what he wanted. He kept contacting me and saying stuff like he misses me so I had to know if he actually wanted to see me or not. In a way, he said no. So I'm not going to press the matter. One thing I don't want to do is force someone to see me if they don't want to. I have a date lined up with another man in the near future. I just needed clarification from the other guy that I shouldn't hold my breath so I could arrange other plans with other men. With his needed "time", I'll take my own and see other people.
daphne Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 With his needed "time", I'll take my own and see other people. I think that's wise. Perhaps you'll find someone better suited that doesn't need time right off the bat. But as far as boundaries, I have to say that you did indicate one: But down the road, if I’mgoing to be with someone, I need to be their top priority and not just an option. Nothing wrong with that. I think it shows self respect. As long as you back it up. Glad to hear that you're giving someone else a chance to do it right.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 He kept contacting me and saying stuff like he misses me so I had to know if he actually wanted to see me or not. In a way, he said no. What kind of person tells someone that they miss them, but dont want to be with them? That does not make sense.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 What kind of person tells someone that they miss them, but dont want to be with them? That does not make sense. He's scared. Normally, I wouldn't believe him... but he reminds me of a few other men I know that fell for some of my girlfriends in the past. The timing was wrong, my girls loved them, the men weren't ready to settle - then the girls found men who WERE ready to settle, and then BAM: the old men came back on their hands and knees, begging saying they had made up their minds and were ready for relationships. Although I have another date for this weekend, my guy seems to want to come around. He mentioned a movie I have never seen and suggested we see it together. Just not sure if that means the near future.. or 2013.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 8, 2011 Author Posted December 8, 2011 But as far as boundaries, I have to say that you did indicate one: But down the road, if I’mgoing to be with someone, I need to be their top priority and not just an option. Nothing wrong with that. I think it shows self respect. As long as you back it up. Glad to hear that you're giving someone else a chance to do it right. Right, thank you. I set my own personal boundaries. People were claiming I was not setting things straight with him. What I meant was I was not going to give him an ultimatum, I'm not looking to send him running the other way.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 He's scared. Normally, I wouldn't believe him... but he reminds me of a few other men I know that fell for some of my girlfriends in the past. The timing was wrong, my girls loved them, the men weren't ready to settle - then the girls found men who WERE ready to settle, and then BAM: the old men came back on their hands and knees, begging saying they had made up their minds and were ready for relationships. Although I have another date for this weekend, my guy seems to want to come around. He mentioned a movie I have never seen and suggested we see it together. Just not sure if that means the near future.. or 2013. Scared of what? Falling in love? I miss being in love. I wants a serious relationship and get married again. These guys make me laugh that have commitment problems and would let a good women like you walk away. He also lives an hour and a half away doesn't he? I'm dating a girl that lives an hour a away and it's frustrating. I don't recommend it, but I like ths girl. My only issue really is, I hope she will sell her home and move to my area if we decide to marry. I have a son, and can't move out of my area cause I share custody with my ex-wife.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 All of you were right. He had gotten back with his ex girlfriend before my last date with him! Found this out Friday night when the girl messaged me on facebook. She was suspicious of him and went through his phone and found all his outgoing calls and texts to me. I actually spoke to her on the phone and she was very kind but made it clear that his feelings for her never ended and all though she had walked out on him like 3-4 times, he would always come back to her. He admitted everything finally, and said he kept me around because he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her after being hurt by her so much in the past. He also said he really liked me and totally would have been with me if she hadn't walked back into his life. But like I said, I'm no second option. I am trying to do other things to keep my mind occupied but I can't help but be absolutely devastated. We had made so many plans for the near future and now it's all gone. He has called me a few times since but I haven't picked up the phone. My first ever post here on LS was about how all the men in my life have "vanished" after a handful of dates and here goes to show another example.
Art_Critic Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Sorry TuffCookie.... The guys sucks and as cliche' as this will sound, it wasn't you.. the guy was being a dirtbag to you and to her.. If he continues to call you and won't leave you alone then message her on FB and ask her to tell him to stop calling you. Thank your lucky stars you didn't get stuck with him and here's hoping your next guy is gonna knock you off your feet
lululucy Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 At least now you know that he was a d-bag and totally unworthy of your time. I know that doesn't help a lot now, but I promise once you get some distance from the situation it'll feel a lot better. I hope you find what you're looking for in the next guy. And LOL I like Art_Critic's plan if he keeps calling you, probably the only way he'll stop
xpaperxcutx Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I certainly didn't see the exgf coming but this just proves this guy is as jerky as they come. Instead of thinking you wasted so much time thinling about him and planning the future be glad that you dodged a bullet. Honestly, as much as he may have hurt you, you ve actually came out the winner in this.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 I certainly didn't see the exgf coming but this just proves this guy is as jerky as they come. Instead of thinking you wasted so much time thinling about him and planning the future be glad that you dodged a bullet. Honestly, as much as he may have hurt you, you ve actually came out the winner in this. I understand everyone's responses, "better sooner than later"... but I certainly feel more like the victim rather than the winner. It'd be one thing if this was a rare case, but the fact that it's maybe the 10th guy who has left me for another girl in 2011 alone is what is really making a chip in my shoulder. I can't trust anyone.
PlumPrincess Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 The right answer is 'no'. The real answer is "Yes, and I like her about as much as I like you, and I want to explore a relationship with both of you until I know which one of you, if either, I like better. Thus my time with you necessarily has to be cut in half. I don't want to lose you. I just want to back you off a bit so I can have some time with her. I could lie about it and pretend to be dating just you. But the problem is you'll want all my time and I'll be in a relationship with you before I know it and won't have time for her. And you'll eventually find out I'm seeing her and there'll be drama and unpleasantness. But I also don't want to dump you. I don't like her MORE than you, just differently, and want to explore both options without losing either. So I'm being honest in telling you there's someone else. I'm fudging about the nothing serious part because I don't want you to decamp. I'm about as serious with her as I am with you, which is why I can't choose. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship and I want to date around. I like relationships, but I want to choose the right one, and don't want to be hustled into the first good looking thing I see. After all that's sort of how I got into my last relationship, and got hurt. So I'm going to take my time, explore my options, you being one of them, a very good option, but still only one option. And I am willing to sooth you over this step back because I do like you and don't want to lose you, because you might be the one, but then again you might not." He's not wrong or a dick or a player to feel that way. He is sort of being honest. But that's what's going on with him, and it's normal, natural and healthy for someone coming out of a relationship. You however, have to decide whether you want to continue dating him knowing that he's dating someone else. It's fair if you don't. Probably wise since you seem emotionally invested in him and likely to become more so if you do. That was a very thorough analysis.
Art_Critic Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I understand everyone's responses, "better sooner than later"... but I certainly feel more like the victim rather than the winner. It'd be one thing if this was a rare case, but the fact that it's maybe the 10th guy who has left me for another girl in 2011 alone is what is really making a chip in my shoulder. I can't trust anyone. Hey TC... You feel like you got used because you were already invested, both feet in and ready to go as well as you gave of yourself to him and in the end you found out he wasn't invested in you. It's a rejection.. no doubt it has to hurt some but hopefully your pain will be relieved some after finding out what a skunk he was and you would have gotten hurt far worse by him if things had continued. Chin up... adjust your people picker some... don't give the honey pot up before you know how much they are willing to invest in you first.. You are the prize...
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Hey TC... You feel like you got used because you were already invested, both feet in and ready to go as well as you gave of yourself to him and in the end you found out he wasn't invested in you. It's a rejection.. no doubt it has to hurt some but hopefully your pain will be relieved some after finding out what a skunk he was and you would have gotten hurt far worse by him if things had continued. Chin up... adjust your people picker some... don't give the honey pot up before you know how much they are willing to invest in you first.. You are the prize... Thank you. I like you and your answers <3
mortensorchid Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I was with someone last year at about this time, he said the same thing to me after 2 months together. He said he wanted to take a step back because he was trying to get over someone else from about a year ago. I felt at first that he really did just want to take a step back and that we were going to be friends, but eventually he stopped responding to my texts. He has a new girlfriend, if he really was trying to get over someone else he would've just stayed in his cave and healed. I have a new boyfriend now and happier with him. Move on and don't bother with this guy anymore. It hurts but you'll be ok eventually.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I was with someone last year at about this time, he said the same thing to me after 2 months together. He said he wanted to take a step back because he was trying to get over someone else from about a year ago. I felt at first that he really did just want to take a step back and that we were going to be friends, but eventually he stopped responding to my texts. He has a new girlfriend, if he really was trying to get over someone else he would've just stayed in his cave and healed. I have a new boyfriend now and happier with him. Move on and don't bother with this guy anymore. It hurts but you'll be ok eventually. Same thing happened to my friend. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship but then got another girlfriend instantly. Why do men do this?
snug.bunny Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Sorry to hear what happened OP. I knew something was off when he said "he fell too quick". Perhaps for him, staying stuck in limbo with his ex combined with the feelings he still had for her, was a lot easier because it's familiar to him. Whatever the case may be, he wasn't in the proper frame of mind to be open to a relationship with you, he was "unavailable" emotionally at that given time (when you were dating, so, it never materialized for him). Same thing happened to my friend. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship but then got another girlfriend instantly. Why do men do this? That happened to me too. Okay, so I can sort of laugh about it now, but back then I felt gutted. Anywho, I don't know that it is "gender" specific. Men/women go through this stuff all the time, and yes, it can feel very very sucky.
U1987 Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Long story short: met a guy from an online dating site. I originally did not want to try to date him. He lives too far (1.5 hours away), our work schedules clash, and I haven't had much success with the online thing. Sorry, but just to clarify, what exactly do you mean by "haven't had much success with the online thing"? Do you mean not getting any messages from guys who meet your standard? Do you mean not getting any messages from guys who you THINK meet your standards? Or Do you mean not getting any messages from guys PERIOD?
daphne Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Same thing happened to my friend. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship but then got another girlfriend instantly. Why do men do this? The better question is "How do I detect it and avoid it in the future?" If there is a consistent pattern with the men in your life, you know the one part of teh equation that you can control. You. I wouldn't look at this like being a victim. That leaves you with less power over your own happiness. I choose not to be a victim. If someone disrespects me or lies or hurts me, I choose to remove them from my life. If I believe I"m a victim, I know I haven't learned what i need to learn to stay away from the kind that would abuse my trust. I'm stuck if I'm a victim. You have to honestly answer the question of why you chose to believe this guy, when it was very clear to most people that he was lying. Partially telling the truth and partially lying still involves lying. You wanted to believe him. You wanted a relationship. But why did you want it with him, when your gut told you that something was off? I think often, it's because the person feels they can't do better. So we paint a different picture from reality to make the offending party more "palatable" to us. In order to see deceit or honesty in someone and side step it, you have to be honest with yourself.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 Sorry, but just to clarify, what exactly do you mean by "haven't had much success with the online thing"? Do you mean not getting any messages from guys who meet your standard? Do you mean not getting any messages from guys who you THINK meet your standards? Or Do you mean not getting any messages from guys PERIOD? The second one. I get around 30-40 messages a day, I respond to very few, and those I finally meet in person always turn out to have a secret girlfriend or some other crazy scheme. The better question is "How do I detect it and avoid it in the future?" If there is a consistent pattern with the men in your life, you know the one part of teh equation that you can control. You. I wouldn't look at this like being a victim. That leaves you with less power over your own happiness. I choose not to be a victim. If someone disrespects me or lies or hurts me, I choose to remove them from my life. If I believe I"m a victim, I know I haven't learned what i need to learn to stay away from the kind that would abuse my trust. I'm stuck if I'm a victim. You have to honestly answer the question of why you chose to believe this guy, when it was very clear to most people that he was lying. Partially telling the truth and partially lying still involves lying. You wanted to believe him. You wanted a relationship. But why did you want it with him, when your gut told you that something was off? I think often, it's because the person feels they can't do better. So we paint a different picture from reality to make the offending party more "palatable" to us. In order to see deceit or honesty in someone and side step it, you have to be honest with yourself. I try to be very honest with myself. There were many roles that led to such disappointment and reason to try to believe him. Firstly, he was the first guy in a very long time who showed me so much affection and mutual interest. I meet a lot of men but never want to get serious with them but I finally liked this one for who I THOUGHT he was on the inside. There were many good qualities about him which I listed what would have made him the "perfect" boyfriend. Secondly, we had arranged so many things for the future. Upcoming holidays together, talked of vacations together, and this is the week he is not working, we were supposed to spend a lot of time together. Having all that on my mind and then having him break it was so sad. I wanted to settle quickly for the holidays also, I guess...
daphne Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 The second one. I get around 30-40 messages a day, I respond to very few, and those I finally meet in person always turn out to have a secret girlfriend or some other crazy scheme. I try to be very honest with myself. There were many roles that led to such disappointment and reason to try to believe him. Firstly, he was the first guy in a very long time who showed me so much affection and mutual interest. I meet a lot of men but never want to get serious with them but I finally liked this one for who I THOUGHT he was on the inside. There were many good qualities about him which I listed what would have made him the "perfect" boyfriend. Secondly, we had arranged so many things for the future. Upcoming holidays together, talked of vacations together, and this is the week he is not working, we were supposed to spend a lot of time together. Having all that on my mind and then having him break it was so sad. I wanted to settle quickly for the holidays also, I guess... You didn't take long enough to really assess him. You wanted a relationship too much. It doesn't happen that fast, in my experience. You allowed yourself to believe him for the sake of having one. There are a LOT of guys out there that will blow smoke up your ass, and many of them convincingly, just to get laid. For me, I don't even listen to the nonsense I hear in the first month or two because I know it's tainted by testosterone. It is white noise. I've had men promise me the moon and deliver zero on those promises. It's standard operating procedure. Just slow down on the initial part of the relationship, really consider his actions and get out if it doesn't measure up with what he's saying. Don't waste your pretty years on bad boys. And if you're sad and moping about why someone treated you this way, you're wasting way too much energy on a nobody. Learn from this, get back up, do something to make yourself feel good and start over. Figure out what kind of guy you want, be the kind of person it takes to get that guy, and you'll be working towards a goal of finding a better guy for you.
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