TuffCookieX Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Long story short: met a guy from an online dating site. I originally did not want to try to date him. He lives too far (1.5 hours away), our work schedules clash, and I haven't had much success with the online thing. After weeks of pestering, my friend convinced me to give him a chance. (my friend even came with us on our date with another guy so we had a double date). Well, we hit it off. I fell for him so quickly and it seemed the same for him. We talked on the phone every day, I saw him a few more times (slept with him on the 3rd date - soon, I know). And then our last date was last week, he slept over my place Sunday into Monday. Then he got back into a weird, hectic work schedule and the calling stopped. His dating history - last year he got out of a 5 year relationship. He seemed to do everything for her, he bought a house for them and they lived together. He is 25 and I am 23 Last night we talked a bit on facebook and he randomly changed the subject to this: Him(6:58:20 PM): listen, i have to be honest with you, I really like spending timewith you A LOT, and your really sweet and fun... but i just don't know if Imready to get into a relationship right now. Me (6:58:29 PM): ok Him (6:58:49 PM): Im scared that im gonna lead you on, or hurt you, or gethurt, and i dont want that Me (6:59:02 PM): yah i appreciate your honesty Me (6:59:18 PM): i mean.. i was already led on but im used to it Him (6:59:36 PM): well i def wasnt trying to Him (6:59:46 PM): i actually fell for you REALLY fast Him (6:59:51 PM): which never happens Him (6:59:59 PM): i think thats why im so shell shocked Me (7:00:03 PM): Him (7:00:19 PM): i really think your awesome! Me (7:00:31 PM): theres another girl? Him (7:00:55 PM): nothing serious Him (7:01:06 PM): i mean ive talked to a few girls Him (7:01:09 PM): but its not about that Me (7:02:29 PM): k Him (7:02:39PM): all ive really wanted is another real relationship. but now im reallynervous to fall again Him (7:02:47 PM): i know you think im a dick Him (7:02:55 PM): but i just wanna be honest Me (7:03:05 PM): no, not at all. i just dont want to be hurt either Him (7:03:32 PM): well thats what i want to avoid Him (7:03:40 PM): and i dont want to be hurt either Me (7:04:12 PM): i see Him (7:04:33 PM): do you hate me now? Me (7:05:09 PM): no Him (7:05:25 PM): omg i dont hate you either !! Him (7:05:30 PM): twins :-) Me (7:05:53 PM): im just glad you told me sooner than later Me (7:05:56 PM): thank you Him (7:07:28 PM): your welcome Him (7:07:31 PM): i guess Him (7:07:46 PM): ive been thinking about everything since i left the otherday! Me (7:08:41 PM): yeah Him (7:09:13 PM): do you wanna talk on the phone? Me(7:09:22 PM): idk Him (7:09:53 PM): well i feel kinda ****ty writing over chat Me (7:09:57 PM): ok Me (7:09:58 PM): call me So our phone conversation was lengthy but then I got upset and started to cry so I said I had to go. He continued to text me through the night but I went out with a friend so I said I'd call him later. I never got around to calling him so he texted me around 2 AM to ask what was up and then asked why I never called. I said because I didn't want to bother him and I wanted to give him his space. Dating experts say men need to take relationships slow, and I'm willing to give him time. When asked, he said it's not like he didn't intend to ever settle down, he was just shell shocked for how fast he fell for me because that has never happened before. He accused me of being a witch and putting a spell on him, LOL. For you LS people out there, do you think I should give him a shot? Or is this code for "there's another girl and I'll only go back to you if she doesn't work out?" His affection for me and what we had was really intense and I would love to doubt that there is another girl but the men I have spoken to (who don't know him) have called BS on his excuse. Thanks!
Soxfaninfl Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Long story short: met a guy from an online dating site. I originally did not want to try to date him. He lives too far (1.5 hours away), our work schedules clash, and I haven't had much success with the online thing. After weeks of pestering, my friend convinced me to give him a chance. (my friend even came with us on our date with another guy so we had a double date). Well, we hit it off. I fell for him so quickly and it seemed the same for him. We talked on the phone every day, I saw him a few more times (slept with him on the 3rd date - soon, I know). And then our last date was last week, he slept over my place Sunday into Monday. Then he got back into a weird, hectic work schedule and the calling stopped. His dating history - last year he got out of a 5 year relationship. He seemed to do everything for her, he bought a house for them and they lived together. He is 25 and I am 23 Last night we talked a bit on facebook and he randomly changed the subject to this: Him(6:58:20 PM): listen, i have to be honest with you, I really like spending timewith you A LOT, and your really sweet and fun... but i just don't know if Imready to get into a relationship right now. Me (6:58:29 PM): ok Him (6:58:49 PM): Im scared that im gonna lead you on, or hurt you, or gethurt, and i dont want that Me (6:59:02 PM): yah i appreciate your honesty Me (6:59:18 PM): i mean.. i was already led on but im used to it Him (6:59:36 PM): well i def wasnt trying to Him (6:59:46 PM): i actually fell for you REALLY fast Him (6:59:51 PM): which never happens Him (6:59:59 PM): i think thats why im so shell shocked Me (7:00:03 PM): Him (7:00:19 PM): i really think your awesome! Me (7:00:31 PM): theres another girl? Him (7:00:55 PM): nothing serious Him (7:01:06 PM): i mean ive talked to a few girls Him (7:01:09 PM): but its not about that Me (7:02:29 PM): k Him (7:02:39PM): all ive really wanted is another real relationship. but now im reallynervous to fall again Him (7:02:47 PM): i know you think im a dick Him (7:02:55 PM): but i just wanna be honest Me (7:03:05 PM): no, not at all. i just dont want to be hurt either Him (7:03:32 PM): well thats what i want to avoid Him (7:03:40 PM): and i dont want to be hurt either Me (7:04:12 PM): i see Him (7:04:33 PM): do you hate me now? Me (7:05:09 PM): no Him (7:05:25 PM): omg i dont hate you either !! Him (7:05:30 PM): twins :-) Me (7:05:53 PM): im just glad you told me sooner than later Me (7:05:56 PM): thank you Him (7:07:28 PM): your welcome Him (7:07:31 PM): i guess Him (7:07:46 PM): ive been thinking about everything since i left the otherday! Me (7:08:41 PM): yeah Him (7:09:13 PM): do you wanna talk on the phone? Me(7:09:22 PM): idk Him (7:09:53 PM): well i feel kinda ****ty writing over chat Me (7:09:57 PM): ok Me (7:09:58 PM): call me So our phone conversation was lengthy but then I got upset and started to cry so I said I had to go. He continued to text me through the night but I went out with a friend so I said I'd call him later. I never got around to calling him so he texted me around 2 AM to ask what was up and then asked why I never called. I said because I didn't want to bother him and I wanted to give him his space. Dating experts say men need to take relationships slow, and I'm willing to give him time. When asked, he said it's not like he didn't intend to ever settle down, he was just shell shocked for how fast he fell for me because that has never happened before. He accused me of being a witch and putting a spell on him, LOL. For you LS people out there, do you think I should give him a shot? Or is this code for "there's another girl and I'll only go back to you if she doesn't work out?" His affection for me and what we had was really intense and I would love to doubt that there is another girl but the men I have spoken to (who don't know him) have called BS on his excuse. Thanks! That's a bad thing to fall for a girl that fast? I wouldnt waist my time with this one. It sounds like he has someone else on the side. He's making excuses. I have never heard his excuse used before. Notice how he kept texting you after you got off the phone with him?
Anela Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 That's a bad thing to fall for a girl that fast? I wouldnt waist my time with this one. It sounds like he has someone else on the side. He's making excuses. I have never heard his excuse used before. Notice how he kept texting you after you got off the phone with him? I was thinking the same thing.
forms Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Me (7:00:31 PM): theres another girl? Him (7:00:55 PM): nothing serious The right answer is 'no'. The real answer is "Yes, and I like her about as much as I like you, and I want to explore a relationship with both of you until I know which one of you, if either, I like better. Thus my time with you necessarily has to be cut in half. I don't want to lose you. I just want to back you off a bit so I can have some time with her. I could lie about it and pretend to be dating just you. But the problem is you'll want all my time and I'll be in a relationship with you before I know it and won't have time for her. And you'll eventually find out I'm seeing her and there'll be drama and unpleasantness. But I also don't want to dump you. I don't like her MORE than you, just differently, and want to explore both options without losing either. So I'm being honest in telling you there's someone else. I'm fudging about the nothing serious part because I don't want you to decamp. I'm about as serious with her as I am with you, which is why I can't choose. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship and I want to date around. I like relationships, but I want to choose the right one, and don't want to be hustled into the first good looking thing I see. After all that's sort of how I got into my last relationship, and got hurt. So I'm going to take my time, explore my options, you being one of them, a very good option, but still only one option. And I am willing to sooth you over this step back because I do like you and don't want to lose you, because you might be the one, but then again you might not." He's not wrong or a dick or a player to feel that way. He is sort of being honest. But that's what's going on with him, and it's normal, natural and healthy for someone coming out of a relationship. You however, have to decide whether you want to continue dating him knowing that he's dating someone else. It's fair if you don't. Probably wise since you seem emotionally invested in him and likely to become more so if you do.
make me believe Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Sounds like he's got other girls in mind and wants to keep his options open. You got way too attached to him too fast, especially if you're crying over him after what sounds like only a couple weeks of dating.. =/ He can tell you are getting super attached and now he's trying to back away. I don't think you should keep dating him because there's no sense in allowing yourself to get emotionally involved with a guy who is telling you straight up that he's not ready or interested in a relationship with you.
Celestine Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Well, he kind of sounds like the guy I've been seeing the last two months. Though he didn't have the balls to tell me how he felt, I had to experience when he kissed a friend of his in front of me. Later on he tried to rationalize his disrespectful behaviour, he started talking about his last relationship which lasted 5 years and the bad break up just a month before he met me. I had no idea about all this. I assume his ex cheated on him, he didn't say so but it was pretty obvious from what he told me. I told him I didn't want a serious relationship and he said the last time he started out with someone thinking it wouldn't be serious it developed into that 5-year-relationship and he's too scared it would happen again. Anyways, he might be confused, scared and just not ready for a relationship. The reason really doesn't matter that much at all. It's about you and what you want. If the casual dating is ok for you knowing that he might be dating other, go ahead. But don't fool yourself. He is not likely to change his opinion on a relationship with you. My guy didn't even want to try the casual thing with me for whatever reason. Maybe he's now seeing this other girl, maybe he's sleeping around, maybe he's taking some time for himself. I still have some of his belongings, so I asked if he would meet me or if I should mail them. He said he'd like to see me and talk to me. I don't know what to expect but I'm not going to lower my standards. It's going to be on my terms, which means sexually exclusive or not at all. Don't lower your expectations because he's not willing to give more!! That's important. Good luck!!
ScienceGal Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 If you're looking for a relationship (which I assume you are since you feel as though you've already been lead on) you need to get away from this guy. It's ok to be nervous in a new relationship, but this is total BS. If he was into you enough he wouldn't be seeing other women, "seriously" or otherwise. He would be communicating more about his insecurities/needs in a relationship. He would be asking you about your relationship needs. From there you could both decide if you can try to develop something. But, he doesn't seem like the relationship type, and he isn't going to commit to you or anyone else soon. He has more growing to do. This has nothing to do with you. He isn't ready. Move on.
DearAbby Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Whenever someone says I don't want to hurt you- RUN- cause they will hurt you
DearAbby Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 The takeaway here is not to jump into bed with random guys you barely know so fast. When guys get you in the sack so fast, there is a good possibility that they will leave just as fast because they conquered you and you were easy.
Cypress25 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 This is typical of guys who are only in it for sex. As soon as they get what they want (sex), they make up some lame story about not being ready for a relationship and needing to slow down. It's not a coincidence that they only want to slow down AFTER sex. They don't mind rushing into sex, but they want to take it slow in every other way. I'm sorry you got hurt, but maybe you could learn a lesson from this: Don't rush into sex with a guy you barely know. If he has real feelings for you, he'll wait for sex.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Thanks for the responses guys but I'm getting a different vibe than your answers... lately he has been going out of his way to contact me. I have been giving him very vague responses and keeping them short. Afterall, I don't want to let my emotions get the best of me or wind up hurt. I think he sincerely likes me. After a while, he wasn't getting the enthusiastic answers he wanted so he said "ok ttyl" and I just said a short "kk bye".
Celestine Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I never doubted that the guy likes you, maybe he even likes you a lot. BUT the point is that apparently he doesn't want a relationship right now. He is just not ready. You have to ask yourself what you want and then go from there. If you want the casual thing, go ahead. But protect yourself and don't just do it because it the only way to keep him. Basically as I said above, don't lower your expections to match his level of interest/investment in the relationship. Protect your heart from greater hurt and only follow through with the casual arrangement if you really want it. Good luck!
Art_Critic Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 The right answer is 'no'. Forms is right... Him (7:00:55 PM): nothing serious Is actually saying YES.. I think you are in a position for being the back burner girl while he goes and tries to bang the other girl... I think you need to decide if you want to be in a competition or not... If you don't mind him dating others then by all means press on and see if you can land him.. It's possible.. but he will most likely need some time in order to work on the other girls and decide what he wants... JMO
Anela Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Thanks for the responses guys but I'm getting a different vibe than your answers... lately he has been going out of his way to contact me. I have been giving him very vague responses and keeping them short. Afterall, I don't want to let my emotions get the best of me or wind up hurt. I think he sincerely likes me. After a while, he wasn't getting the enthusiastic answers he wanted so he said "ok ttyl" and I just said a short "kk bye". I could have grown much too cynical, but this happens a lot when you don't get nearly as upset as they expect you to. I know it's happened to me. He needs to leave you alone, if he isn't ready for as much as you are, and is seeing other women.
daphne Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Thanks for the responses guys but I'm getting a different vibe than your answers... This is because you want to believe this. He hasn't done anything to show you really. You got a lot of really good advice on here. Personally, I call bs on his whole conversation. And I think that when you didn't get allow him to backburner you and didn't try to compete, he felt he needed to work harder at back burnering you.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Ya so here's the deal. One of 2 things happened: 1. He used you 2. He should have kept his pecker in his pants before he was sure he wanted a serious relationship with YOU Path 1: He's a douche Path 2: He was stupid and jumped the gun and now his conscious is telling me to apologize neither paths lead to victory for you. If I were him... and I did what he did... I would first be honest with myself. If I really would wanted to get to know you better, I would still continue to hang out and date you, and just sort of ease what happened into the past until I am ready to do the boogey with you again. That is a risky way of recovering. I mean, if I were really into a girl and we fell fast, I would continue to get to know her and such because I really like her. If things don't end up well later, well it was my time and your time we both wasted, but at least we tried. But first is that the man should be honest with himself and know what he is after.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Ya so here's the deal. One of 2 things happened: 1. He used you 2. He should have kept his pecker in his pants before he was sure he wanted a serious relationship with YOU Path 1: He's a douche Path 2: He was stupid and jumped the gun and now his conscious is telling me to apologize neither paths lead to victory for you. If I were him... and I did what he did... I would first be honest with myself. If I really would wanted to get to know you better, I would still continue to hang out and date you, and just sort of ease what happened into the past until I am ready to do the boogey with you again. That is a risky way of recovering. I mean, if I were really into a girl and we fell fast, I would continue to get to know her and such because I really like her. If things don't end up well later, well it was my time and your time we both wasted, but at least we tried. But first is that the man should be honest with himself and know what he is after. I like your response because that's how I feel. When I like someone I don't backpedal. That's so counterproductive! Against everyone's advice, I did reply to him tonight. He was persistent on getting back in contact with me and my heart is begging to forgive so when he texted me during his midnight shift at work, I wasn't short with my answers anymore. He started to ask how the rest of my day went and then the conversation took a turn to what was going on. Here is the last portion of our texts. I think it has a positive look to it but I could be wrong, but that's why I'm here. Him: Hahaaha... your awesome! Lol Me: I know. You’re missing out Him: I’m missing you! Me: Prove it. Him: Pop quiz... Would you ever consider moving up here? Me: Yes. For you I’d consider it. But not if I’m just an option booty call. Him: I don’t think I would ask you that if I was looking for an option booty call. Me: That’s why I’m so confused. I never pressured you about exclusivity yet you seemed so worried about it. We are both clearly single and have yet toset boundaries. But down the road, if I’mgoing to be with someone, I need to be their top priority and not just an option. Him: I understand that and feel the same way. Me: Ok. Then do you want to see me again or am I still being put on the backburner? Please be honest, either answer is fine. Him: Well righ tnow I feel like I need time. But I def do wanna see you again! Me: Ok.
Star Gazer Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 The right answer is 'no'. The real answer is "Yes, and I like her about as much as I like you, and I want to explore a relationship with both of you until I know which one of you, if either, I like better. Thus my time with you necessarily has to be cut in half. I don't want to lose you. I just want to back you off a bit so I can have some time with her. I could lie about it and pretend to be dating just you. But the problem is you'll want all my time and I'll be in a relationship with you before I know it and won't have time for her. And you'll eventually find out I'm seeing her and there'll be drama and unpleasantness. But I also don't want to dump you. I don't like her MORE than you, just differently, and want to explore both options without losing either. So I'm being honest in telling you there's someone else. I'm fudging about the nothing serious part because I don't want you to decamp. I'm about as serious with her as I am with you, which is why I can't choose. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship and I want to date around. I like relationships, but I want to choose the right one, and don't want to be hustled into the first good looking thing I see. After all that's sort of how I got into my last relationship, and got hurt. So I'm going to take my time, explore my options, you being one of them, a very good option, but still only one option. And I am willing to sooth you over this step back because I do like you and don't want to lose you, because you might be the one, but then again you might not." He's not wrong or a dick or a player to feel that way. He is sort of being honest. But that's what's going on with him, and it's normal, natural and healthy for someone coming out of a relationship. You however, have to decide whether you want to continue dating him knowing that he's dating someone else. It's fair if you don't. Probably wise since you seem emotionally invested in him and likely to become more so if you do. This might be the best analysis of a situation/IM convo on LS......EVER. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Author TuffCookieX Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 This might be the best analysis of a situation/IM convo on LS......EVER. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. I agree with you Star Gazer, but your response made me sad and happy at the same time because this guy I'm talking about ALWAYS says "winner, winner, chicken dinner." lol
menseeking Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 maybe that guy is not that serious for any relationship. he only want sex for every girls he is dating. he is not ready to commit on any relationship.
Pizzaman81 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 <snip> Him: Pop quiz... Would you ever consider moving up here? <snip> I don't usually listen to Beyonce, but ****ing "put a ring on it"
snug.bunny Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 The right answer is 'no'. The real answer is "Yes, and I like her about as much as I like you, and I want to explore a relationship with both of you until I know which one of you, if either, I like better. Thus my time with you necessarily has to be cut in half. I don't want to lose you. I just want to back you off a bit so I can have some time with her. I could lie about it and pretend to be dating just you. But the problem is you'll want all my time and I'll be in a relationship with you before I know it and won't have time for her. And you'll eventually find out I'm seeing her and there'll be drama and unpleasantness. But I also don't want to dump you. I don't like her MORE than you, just differently, and want to explore both options without losing either. So I'm being honest in telling you there's someone else. I'm fudging about the nothing serious part because I don't want you to decamp. I'm about as serious with her as I am with you, which is why I can't choose. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship and I want to date around. I like relationships, but I want to choose the right one, and don't want to be hustled into the first good looking thing I see. After all that's sort of how I got into my last relationship, and got hurt. So I'm going to take my time, explore my options, you being one of them, a very good option, but still only one option. And I am willing to sooth you over this step back because I do like you and don't want to lose you, because you might be the one, but then again you might not." He's not wrong or a dick or a player to feel that way. He is sort of being honest. But that's what's going on with him, and it's normal, natural and healthy for someone coming out of a relationship. You however, have to decide whether you want to continue dating him knowing that he's dating someone else. It's fair if you don't. Probably wise since you seem emotionally invested in him and likely to become more so if you do. This. If he's multidating, he has to divide his time between talking to you/seeing you and other women. So, it's good that he came out and said something versus not saying anything at all and didn't have to be "prompted" to tell you he wasn't interested in a "relationship". However, the "falling too quick" bit, I personally wouldn't buy into. When you fall for someone, you don't express that by dating/sleeping with other people. You express that by spending time together, indicating you like said person, and expressing a desire of wanting to know they feel the same. He said the opposite of that, so, that tells you where you stand. Why you asked whether or not he is still keeping you on the "backburner", is silly... If he is keeping you on the backburner, you choose whether or not to stay there. He's clearly not concerned about your boundaries, so, make sure that you are and draw some solid ones for yourself.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 And I think that when you didn't get allow him to backburner you and didn't try to compete, he felt he needed to work harder at back burnering you. Ding ding ding! I'd lose him, immediately.
LittleTiger Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Me: Ok. Then do you want to see me again or am I still being put on the backburner? Please be honest, either answer is fine. Him: Well righ tnow I feel like I need time. But I def do wanna see you again! Me: Ok. He just said you are still on the backburner and you said ok! Personally, I think you're wasting your time - you're still just an option. That's not a problem if you don't mind being an option and you have other options of your own, but I get the impression you want a relationship with him right now - so this is not good!
Meeks7 Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Drama Drama Drama One more reason I'm glad to be single. Tuff, hope it all works out for ya. Some people want a relationship so bad, they don't realize what hard work it takes to sustain and grow a relationship between you and another flawed human being. Being single ain't so bad. (until one is ready)
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