PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I was wondering when would you make it clear that you want to have children? If you are sure you want to have children, would you say so right from the beginning? I've seen guys who state in their profile that they don't want to have children and they ask me out. Should I tell them upfront that I want to have children or go on the date and then tell them? Or should I wait a bit and see how it develops? They might change their mind when getting to know me and when I exclude them right from the beginning, I will definitely lose that possibility. On the other hand, maybe it's totally silly to assume that a guy who states that he doesn't want to have children in the next three years, will change his mind because he develops feelings for someone. What would you do? Thanks for your answers!
Leegh Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I would give a guy a chance who said he initially didn't want children; as you said, he may change his mind. In addition, there may be some guys who might say they want children (even though they really don't), as they think it's something most women want to hear. You could bring something up after a couple of dates, and if you date a divorced guy with kids, you could ask him if he wants any more children.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 I would give a guy a chance who said he initially didn't want children; as you said, he may change his mind. In addition, there may be some guys who might say they want children (even though they really don't), as they think it's something most women want to hear. You could bring something up after a couple of dates, and if you date a divorced guy with kids, you could ask him if he wants any more children. Ok, I guess that sounds reasonable. I shouldn't be that emotionally invested in a guy after a couple of dates anyway. Thanks for your help!
Soxfaninfl Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I wouldn't waist your time with people that don't want kids. Your going to spend time and energy trying to change their mind. I broke up with a girl that told me she didn't want kids. The girl I met online I asked if she wanted to get married and have kids and told me yes. I would not have continued to talk to her if she didn't want kids.
grkBoy Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I think you should make sure the "wants children" on your profile is set to "YES".
El Brujo Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Right at the beginning. We need more single women here in Los Angeles who don't want to have kids. BTW what's the deal with all these women in their 40s and 50s whose profiles say they DEFINITELY want to have kids??? Can't they just buy a baby doll?
Andy_K Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 For online dating? It's one of those fundamental compatibilities you should sort out before you meet up. Don't waste time dating someone in the vain hope they'll 'come around' to your point of view. They very likely won't, and you could have met a dozen other guys in that wasted time.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 (edited) Ok, guess, it looks like you guys all want to know about it upfront. And men don't change their mind when they say on their profile that they don't see themselves married with children in the next couple of years. No chance? Edited December 4, 2011 by PlumPrincess
forms Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I think you ask at the beginning before you go out: "I saw in your profile you don't want kids; does that mean ever or does that mean in the next few years." Then you know.
grkBoy Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Ok, guess, it looks like you guys all want to know about it upfront. And men don't change their mind when they say on their profile that they don't see themselves married with children in the next couple of years. No chance? I personally think if a guy puts "no" on the "wants children" blank, you shouldn't bother with him. Some will claim you're rejecting loads of guys, but those guys are basically making themselves rejected. You should even toss in the email how you want a man who wants to marry and have a family as the reason you're rejecting them. Face it...the way a woman will severely limit herself with her laundry list, men can severely limit themselves when they're seeking a childless relationship in a world of women who want kids.
El Brujo Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 That's why childfree singles groups were created, DUH. Some us are horrible, ungrateful creatures because we'd rather not have our brats trashing the place.
O'Malley Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 If you're uncertain whether 'no children' means 'not until I find a secure partner/attained my goals' or 'never', just ask. For online dating? It's one of those fundamental compatibilities you should sort out before you meet up. Don't waste time dating someone in the vain hope they'll 'come around' to your point of view. They very likely won't, and you could have met a dozen other guys in that wasted time. The above approach is best. I'm involved, but I've never wanted children and there is no individual, no matter how wonderful, that could ever change my perspective. Nor would I attempt to change the mindset of someone who wants to become a parent. Children are something that can't be compromised on.
DearAbby Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 It depends how old you are. If you are old enough that you don't have time to wait, then don't even bother going out with people who don't want children. If you are 25, then you have time to waste.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 I personally think if a guy puts "no" on the "wants children" blank, you shouldn't bother with him. Some will claim you're rejecting loads of guys, but those guys are basically making themselves rejected. You should even toss in the email how you want a man who wants to marry and have a family as the reason you're rejecting them. Face it...the way a woman will severely limit herself with her laundry list, men can severely limit themselves when they're seeking a childless relationship in a world of women who want kids. I just saw a guy answer no to the question if he wanted to have children in the next three years, but it does look like he wants to have children. Just not in the next three years. But oh well, he's too young anyway. I think I will go and make it a bit more clear in my profile that the guy needs to be open about having children.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I just saw a guy answer no to the question if he wanted to have children in the next three years, but it does look like he wants to have children. Just not in the next three years. But oh well, he's too young anyway. I think I will go and make it a bit more clear in my profile that the guy needs to be open about having children. How old are you, and how hold is he?
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 How old are you, and how hold is he? I'm 35 and that one is 28. But it has fizzled out anyway.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I'm 35 and that one is 28. But it has fizzled out anyway. That's not too young to have kids. I was 27 when my first and only child was born. I'm 36 now and I'm trying to find another wife to have more kids with. My wife left me after 11 years of marriage. I'm dating a 37 year old who eventually wants kids.
carhill Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 When I was in my prime child bearing years, I always made that desire clear from the beginning, even before 'dating' began, in general.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 That's not too young to have kids. I was 27 when my first and only child was born. I'm 36 now and I'm trying to find another wife to have more kids with. My wife left me after 11 years of marriage. I'm dating a 37 year old who eventually wants kids. I meant to say that the age difference between is quite big. I also do understand that he doesn't want to have children at that age. When I was much younger I thought I wanted to have kids at the end of my twenties, but actually, I didn't feel ready. And to be honest, I don't feel ready either, but I know it's something I have to deal with now otherwise it will be too late.
Soxfaninfl Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I meant to say that the age difference between is quite big. I also do understand that he doesn't want to have children at that age. When I was much younger I thought I wanted to have kids at the end of my twenties, but actually, I didn't feel ready. And to be honest, I don't feel ready either, but I know it's something I have to deal with now otherwise it will be too late. The girl that I'm dating feels the same way. She wants to have kids in a couple if years. She wants to have kids before it's too late for her.
make me believe Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 If you're 35 and want kids, you can't waste time on guys who don't KNOW for sure that they want them too. I would bring it up right away if it's that important to you. There's no sense dating somebody for months & months, hoping he'll change his mind about something so important. As a woman who does not want kids, I wouldn't have dated guys who said they definitely wanted kids and I think it goes both ways. If I DID want kids, I definitely wouldn't have dated guys who said "no kids" from the get go.
Author PlumPrincess Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Ok, I stated that very clear on my profile now. Thanks all for your input!
ShannonMI Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I was wondering when would you make it clear that you want to have children? If you are sure you want to have children, would you say so right from the beginning? I've seen guys who state in their profile that they don't want to have children and they ask me out. Should I tell them upfront that I want to have children or go on the date and then tell them? Or should I wait a bit and see how it develops? They might change their mind when getting to know me and when I exclude them right from the beginning, I will definitely lose that possibility. On the other hand, maybe it's totally silly to assume that a guy who states that he doesn't want to have children in the next three years, will change his mind because he develops feelings for someone. What would you do? Thanks for your answers! Make it clear ASAP. I tell men right away that I DON'T want kids. It saves a lot of time to just get it right out in the open. People rarely change their minds about such things, so it's highly unlikely that you will date and decide to change your mind.
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