When you know you've been settling

[RiverRunning]

I'll preface this by saying that I pretty much feel like a horrible person for the situation I'm in and how I've acted in it. I have become a bitter and resentful person who sees men in shades of white and black - it's all or nothing. I was never like this before. I know that one bad past relationship, and then the straits I'm in in my current relationship, have contributed to that view. I have never been genuinely happy in a relationship for more than a few months, yet I've stayed more than a year in both of them. It's like I've just gotten so accustomed to the fact that I eventually wind up being unhappy that I figure it's just easier to stay in a relationship that's stagnant and unhappy, rather than risking getting out there again, being happy again for a little while, and then seeing it's straight back to the same old crap.

 

I'm 24. I graduated from college about 2 years ago. I'm working a fairly well-paying, 30-hour temporary job through the end of next summer. I'm applying for another similar job that doesn't have any hour limits to work simultaneously. I've been in a relationship for more than 3 years and it's been a constant game of "how is this going to go badly next."

 

There were a lot of issues surrounding his ex-girlfriend through the first two years of our relationship that I still have not totally forgiven him for. To some extent, I am still insecure. I'm very resentful about it. It was pretty malicious and it was obvious that he still had feelings for her, even though he denied it for ages.

 

He also has the tendency to snap at me over incredibly minor things, and I've posted before about how he will constantly correct or nitpick me - i.e., he feels it's necessary to remind me every single time I leave a light on, if the bag in the garbage can isn't fully and firmly tucked around the top of the lid, if I left the laundry basket in the kitchen (it's right by our washing machine), etc. Of course, I wind up doing a million things wrong in the course of a day, so it's not like it's an occasional issue.

 

I grew up with a mother who expected nothing less than perfection from me, and it's an unpleasant reminder that I can never be good enough.

 

I'm not sure if I love him anymore. Or more accurately, I'm fairly certain that I don't but I keep going because the momentum's still there. I'm overweight, so, from my experiences, that means I'm more or less automatically unattractive and unwanted. I've never really had options when it comes to men. In the last 6 to 8 years, I can only think of four who have been interested. I dated two of them. Well...and obviously I can see how that's worked out.

 

Part of me is torn between just going forward and getting married because I feel like this is as good as it gets, and the other part is constantly thinking about going off, buying a house (I live in a very cheap market) and struggling to make my own way. I know that part of the reason I have stayed so long is because the only other place to go is back to my parents' home, and they are horribly abusive and unstable people. I'm still trying to get on my own two feet and pay off the bills I have.

 

Tonight my boyfriend and I were throwing a party for our family and friends. One of my friends brought an attractive friend of hers who is just a few years older than I am. He was very polite, very funny..and very kind. He didn't snap at me or act annoyed or go off to act all sullen and annoyed during the night like my boyfriend typically does during social gatherings, despite acting excited about the gathering beforehand. He seemed to genuinely enjoy himself. That's something I've forgotten how to do. I often find myself on pins and needles when my boyfriend and I are doing something I like to do, as instead of merely going along with it, he'll act hateful/rude/patronizing the whole time and make the outing a miserable experience for everyone.

 

I ended up talking to my cousin's wife a good part of the night. She's overweight too but was telling me all kinds of stories about the guys in the last few years who have told her they're interested and how she wound up severing friendships over it. I'm a fairly outgoing and gregarious person, but I have NEVER gotten that kind of attention from guys. It's not like I'm monstrously overweight, but then again every guy who has been interested in me has made mention of it, has tried to pressure me to lose weight, or has made critical comments about my eating habits.

 

I've lost about 45 pounds in the last 8 months and I'm continuing to lose more. I know it's because I hope it will give me the confidence to finally leave my relationship and be happy. Right now, I sort of feel trapped because I'm too afraid of giving up someone who's good on paper to risk the possibility that I may always be alone if I look the way I do now.

 

I do care about my boyfriend and I wish that things were different. Over the years, I have tried my best to make myself happy in our relationship. Endless conversations, bringing spice into the bedroom, surprise gifts, romantic dinners, etc. But anymore when he comes home, I just find an excuse to do my own thing and then go to bed early so I won't have to bother with him ignoring me all night while he sits on the computer. I don't even care if we talk anymore. I just get through the day, go through what little conversations we have anymore, and then fantasize about how great it would be to meet somebody else.

 

And then I kind of just figure that it's always going to end up this way again. But I saw tonight that many of my relatives and friends were happily paired up. When I've talked to them in private about relationship matters, they make it clear that they're very happy. I envy them for that. They all seem very happy with the romantic choices they've made.

 

My boyfriend is wanting to get married and talks about getting engaged and having kids. Many of his friends are now doing the same, and he'l l make jokes about how I'm getting "old enough" to start seriously considering starting a family. I always change the subject. He knows I'm uncertain, especially in light of the myriads of troubles we've had and his behavior, but I don't know. Our family members and friends will often make comments, and I feel bad as they automatically assume he's the one dragging his feet.

 

I know that I need to make a move soon because it's no longer fair to continue stringing him along. I have had more than enough time to change my mind and my feelings for him have only continued to decay in the last several months.

 

I guess I'm looking for a place to vent (here), and consolation that being overweight is not the worst possible thing you can be when you would like to start dating again. Yes, I know I could wait until I drop every last pound (and feel like I will have to if I'm going to have any success with guys who won't be absolutely malicious about it), but it's been enough of a struggle as is and I still have a few dozen to go Part of me is worried that I'll never be short enough, thin enough, or attractive enough to get anywhere with men. I haven't been so far.

 

If you're an overweight woman - do you have to just accept at some point that you're going to have to put up with more garbage than you would if you were thin?

[dasein]

Overweight people have to put up with more crap in life, that's true. But sounds like you are headed in a different direction, and congratulations on your progress so far.

 

Your relationship sounds like a constant bummer. Why do you feel guilty for wanting out? It's the rational response to being nitpicked and nagged constantly about supposed shortcomings.

 

Are there prospective roommates you could move in with or get a place with? Based on what you post, your relationship/BF is dragging you down and you need to get out yesterday. Of course your BF wants to get married, he is likely smart enough to know no one else will put up with his abuse. And constantly complaining about ticky little things is indeed a form of abuse. In your shoes I'd be scouring craigslist or local listings for an affordable place to break out into. Good luck.

[RiverRunning]

I feel guilty for wanting out because he does have good qualities. He has helped me out in times when nobody else would. It's also partly because he's anti-social and he's pushing 30, and I know that he - along with many of his relatives - view this as his last opportunity to meet somebody and get married. Knowing his personality, I guess I just feel guilty that he's probably going to wind up alone for years to come.

 

I don't want to live with strangers - and many of my friends, unfortunately, are even worse off than I am financially. The rest are paired up and living with their significant others. My cousin's wife clandestinely offered me their second bedroom until I can get on my feet, but I have a feeling this is something she has not discussed with my cousin. While I know my cousin loves me, I also know that moving in with a married couple wound wind up putting a strain on their marriage unless I moved out pronto. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what my options are, burdening other people as little as possible.

 

Seeing my friend's friend last night was the first time I had felt lust and any degree of excitement over another person in...years. I will not act on it and probably will never see or talk to him again until my friend has another gathering (so it's not going to be a situation of double-dipping). It's just been so long since there's been a guy in my age group, who's not related to me, who has treated me so nicely and politely. There was always a rough edge to my boyfriend - but I was 20 when we started dating and it was something I overlooked because I was so infatuated.

 

Many houses in my area are now going for under $20k - and many are barely above $10k. I'm really thinking about buying myself a fixxer-upper in the next year. Making modest improvements to the place without having to worry about a mortgage. I may have to suffer with moving home with my parents for a few months, or maybe I'll hop among a few relatives' places for a few weeks at a time so that the burden never rests solely on one member of my family. I've been rolling over the possibilities in my head overnight.

 

I'm now starting to realize that some of his behavior has been abusive. I guess that because my mother did the same thing, I figured it was "all in my imagination" as she commonly told me it was.

 

I have sort of planned a vacation for a few days at an indoor water park with some friends for a few days this winter. I have not invited my boyfriend. Whenever we end up doing something he's not particularly interested in...he acts like a child. I may be an adult, but I enjoy playing laser tag - good exercise.

 

The last time we went, he blew up in front of one of my friends and started complaining about how late our game was starting and how he needed to go to bed for work the next morning. My friend and I exchanged glances, as the game was to start at 9:30, and my boyfriend never goes to bed before midnight even on a work night. It was the first, and last time, I ever invited him. I've told him so and while he apologizes, just based on his reaction, I can tell he thinks it's not that big of a deal. I know he will not change, as that behavior hasn't changed for any other sort of thing where he acts miserable all of the time or lets everyone know just how upset he is to be there.

 

Right now, I'm just going to try and keep focused on working and getting money together. I'm going to move slowly and act decisively. But I know for certain I do not want to still be in this position in 6 months or a year.

 

I feel bad because my boyfriend just doesn't get it. He's not the type to offer a genuine apology (instead, if he does apologize, he follows it up with, "I think you overreacted," or "I don't think it was that big of a deal") for what he does wrong. That's part of what has made it so difficult to move on from some of the crap he's pulled over the years. I can admit when I'm wrong. It makes me uncomfortable and I may not like it, but I am a big enough person to realize when I've screwed something up and hurt him.

 

He knows I'm reluctant to marry, and sometimes he'll teasingly say, "But I'll buy you a house. And flowers." While it's nice that he has a provider instinct, I would rather live in a box with him where he treated me well than in a house where he treats me as he does now. He doesn't seem to understand that it's an attitude change that would convince me to marry him...not money or material things.

 

Gah. All right. I feel better. Thanks. I'm sorry to ramble on and on. It just helps me to put things in perspective, realize I'm not 'making it up,' (he has accused me of this in the past. "You're just making stuff up to make yourself unhappy.") and that, like you said, it was time to get out yesterday.

[jobaba]

I guess I'm looking for a place to vent (here), and consolation that being overweight is not the worst possible thing you can be when you would like to start dating again. Yes, I know I could wait until I drop every last pound (and feel like I will have to if I'm going to have any success with guys who won't be absolutely malicious about it), but it's been enough of a struggle as is and I still have a few dozen to go Part of me is worried that I'll never be short enough, thin enough, or attractive enough to get anywhere with men. I haven't been so far.

 

If you're an overweight woman - do you have to just accept at some point that you're going to have to put up with more garbage than you would if you were thin?

 

You're 24 and you've had relationships and men into you, so you can't really say you can't get men. Some guys here have never had a woman and are older. You know that.

 

As far as the bolded, yes it's true. People with better looks have more options. That's just the way it is. And people with better looks have a better chance to get people with the qualities society values.

 

In other words, if you're a better looking woman, you have a better chance of getting a man who is good looking, extremely intelligent, or wealthy.

 

But your looks shouldn't hold you back in your ability to find someone with a good heart. Why? Because nobody is society cares about that and it's not a commodity!

 

If I woke up tmrw and looked like Brad Pitt and all of a sudden had 2 million dollars in my bank account, I would pick the most average looking woman who was non shallow and was a good person. And could drink shots of Jaeger...

[curlygirl40]

Hi OP

 

So much to comment on I'm not sure where to start. I speak from experience when I say that your situation with the boyfriend will probably only get worse in the future, not better.

 

I see a lot of my ex husband in him. I wish I saw the signs earlier on.

 

If he doesn't like social situations, then he is avoiding them or going with you but then will complain the whole time because all he really wants is to go home. So his complaining will possibly make you say to yourself (like you have) "I won't invite him to come again, he's such a downer". Which is probably exactly what he wants. To not have to go again. And then eventually that will turn into him not wanting you to go either.

 

The problem in my relationship (20 years!) is that eventually I didn't invite him to do the things I was doing, then eventually I couldn't have people over to the house either, and then eventually I couldn't go out with my friends by myself. Etc., etc. His social anxieties took over our relationship. I always told my friends it was like he engineered our marriage/relationship to be the way he wanted/needed it to be so he could cope with the world around him. But in spite of me and my happiness. Not intentionally but you see what I mean?

 

He didn't want to socialize so we didn't socialize. He didn't want to socialize so I couldn't have parties at the house any longer. And it wasn't that he said 'no you can't', it was that his behavior made it no longer worth it to me to do those things.

 

He also was very nit picky and downright mean about things that he didn't approve of around the house. Where I placed the garbage in the garage, how much I paid for hamburger (I so wish I was kidding), if I left a light on, etc. I understand relationships are compromise but I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around him because sometimes things would bother him one day but then not the next so his outbursts were unpredictable. I found myself walking around the house before he got home and try to make sure everything was 'just so' so that he wouldn't get angry about something I would consider minor.

 

When I decided I needed out was when he directed his anger and issues on our children. Calling them names (calling our teenagers morons was his favorite insult for them) and berrating them for not doing things the way he thought they should be done.

 

Since he liked to isolate himself eventually he had no friends and he relied solely on me to be his friend. But he was a miserable person to be around the older he got and it was hard for me to feel so isolated because I'm such a sociable person.

 

Looking back I should have seen the signs. It all got worse as time went on, because he never agreed to get the help he needed.

 

You can be happy alone. Happiness comes from within. Don't stay in a situation where you're not happy because you're afraid to be alone. I would much rather be alone and happy than in a relationship and miserable. And really look at your situation, aren't you already feeling alone? It's worse to me to be in a relationship and feeling lonely then to be alone and feeling lonely. Because when you're alone and lonely, there are possibilities out there that you could meet someone perfect for you. When you're in a relationship and lonely you're stuck feeling alone.

 

I hope I helped some. Sorry you feel so stuck but take back your power and get happy!!

[Saxis]

I've lost about 45 pounds in the last 8 months and I'm continuing to lose more. I know it's because I hope it will give me the confidence to finally leave my relationship and be happy. Right now, I sort of feel trapped because I'm too afraid of giving up someone who's good on paper to risk the possibility that I may always be alone if I look the way I do now.

 

I made it to this paragraph before I came to this conclusion: YOU and YOU alone are the problem with your relationships. It's true, your current BF sounds like an abusive douche bag, but it's because you allow it. You've basically admitted it, because you don't think you can do better. It's your confidence. You will never be happy with someone else if you're not happy with yourself first. For both of your sakes, quit taking advantage of him financially, go out on your own and don't even think about a relationship until you are happy without one. That in itself will give you a huge confidence boost!

[jnc3]

It doesn't matter what weight you are, you shouldn't settle for less than you deserve, and no one deserves to be treated poorly. Being single and content is much better than being with someone and discontent. You should also learn to love and accept yourself no matter how you look -- predators and bottom feeders can smell insecurity from a mile away and will take advantage of it.

[lululucy]

I made it to this paragraph before I came to this conclusion: YOU and YOU alone are the problem with your relationships. It's true, your current BF sounds like an abusive douche bag, but it's because you allow it. You've basically admitted it, because you don't think you can do better. It's your confidence. You will never be happy with someone else if you're not happy with yourself first.

 

AMEN.

 

This is a seriously unhealthy set up for both of you. Not only are you preventing him from finding someone who would be thrilled to spend the rest of her life with him (I'm sorry to all the pessimist dudes, I still believe in love for anyone), but you're preventing yourself from finding what you truly want in life and a way to be happy.

 

I'm bigger than most of my friends. More than fifty pounds. I've always had WAY better luck with dating because I'm comfortable with myself, easy-going and I don't have antiquated views on relationships that I force on other people. Men aren't there to make you happy.

 

And for the record, I am incredibly shallow (I know, boo me) and I've never dated a guy over 200lbs that was not an athlete, nor have I dated a guy that wasn't at least an 8 on a "societal" scale if such a thing existed. Your weight has less to do with your abilities to date than your attitude does.

[Kamille]

You grew up with a nitpicking mother. By telling yourself you have to settle for a relationship that doesn't make you happy because you're not "perfect", you're reproducing your mother's critical voice. You've understood her nitpicking to mean you were too flawed to have the same opportunities everyone else has. You're letting this critical voice dictate your life.

 

On another note, have you talked to your boyfriend about his nitpicking and how much it damages the relationship?

[RiverRunning]

Just wanted to say that I'm not taking advantage of him financially - I contribute a fair portion of my income to the bills. I do all of the housework and run all of the errands. So, it's not a case of a princess moving in and siphoning off of him.

 

We've had discussions about the nit-picking. It usually transpires in the same way - he apologizes, admits that he has a problem and vows that he's going to "try and do better." Usually for a few weeks this is successful. Then it tapers off again.

 

Most of my concerns with "not really getting men" has more to deal with the fact that all of them commented on my weight (and I never made mention of it to them before they commented on it). One actually gave me a back-handed compliment that went something like, "You're a Dove girl. I mean, you're pretty, you're not supermodel pretty, and you're bigger..." Others have made critical comments about what I'm eating, one told me he was pleased that I was fat because it meant other men wouldn't look at me, etc.

 

Yes, this could also be an attitude thing. Or it could also just well be that men see a bigger woman, automatically assume she has low self-esteem/fewer options (as in the case of an ex), and go for it because they don't want to deal with competition. IF a man so much as looked at me, talked to me, or wanted to meet me up for lunch, my ex would start making comments about my weight. I guess to try and batter me back down to the appropriate level.

 

My point being - I want the weight to be gone before I get into another relationship so I can weed out some more people who are going to be so insecure that they'll date me for my size, all the while hating me for my size because they actually want somebody thinner. It's a weird split I've seen in people.

 

My point was really, "I can't really get guys who DON'T settle for me because of my weight." My weight has always been an issue.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He also has the tendency to snap at me over incredibly minor things, and I've posted before about how he will constantly correct or nitpick me - i.e., he feels it's necessary to remind me every single time I leave a light on, if the bag in the garbage can isn't fully and firmly tucked around the top of the lid, if I left the laundry basket in the kitchen (it's right by our washing machine), etc. Of course, I wind up doing a million things wrong in the course of a day, so it's not like it's an occasional issue.

 

I grew up with a mother who expected nothing less than perfection from me, and it's an unpleasant reminder that I can never be good enough.

 

If you're an overweight woman - do you have to just accept at some point that you're going to have to put up with more garbage than you would if you were thin?

 

River... Just reading that I wan't to smack your BF across the face. I know he probably has some wonderful qualities... but NOTHING make up for being nitpicky and over-corrective like that. To be blunt you should prefer to be single forever. You are overweight... so what? Over 30% of the men in this country are overweight too... and when you add in all the chubby chaser guys... You have lots of options. If you lose weight do it for your health... not because you want to get a guy.

 

I've been in relationships with corrective and nitpicky women. It just makes me crazy. My attitude is that the ONLY people who get to correct my work... are the ones who pay me to do the work. Anyone who isn't paying me needs to shut up or do it themselves!

 

Please dump this guy! It sucks to be alone, but standing on your own two feet feels so damn good! Go for it. You are not settling... you are letting someone just like your parents crap on you. Don't walk... Run.

[Kamille]

My point was really, "I can't really get guys who DON'T settle for me because of my weight." My weight has always been an issue.

 

Oh I hate it when partners can't see past their own jealousy and will use whatever means at their disposal to knock their better half down.

 

It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. Ruling out people who are so insecure that they would resort to emotional manipulation is a great idea. But being thinner won't automatically mean you won't encounter them in other forms. Being more confident will. The trick to weeding out emotional vampires is to chuck them out the minute they reveal their petty jealous side. Don't make their issues your issues.

[DearAbby]

I can understand why you feel the way you do. I feel really sad that you feel your weight would make you have to endure a boyfriend who treats you the wrong way. I think you know deep down that is not the case. It is having low self esteem and that attitude that one, lets people treat you that way, lets you take it (because you feel you don't deserve better). I am proud of you for losing the weight you have for health reasons and of course for your self esteem.

 

If I were you, I would just save every penny and I would increase my workouts to as hard as I could. Give yourself a goal. Write it down. Exercise every day. Up your water intake. That is going to improve your self esteem. Instead of feeling sad about yourself do something about it.

 

I know you are. But, increase the intensity: you can do it. I would focus right now solely on you. I know you live with him but just work on your fitness. Wake up an hour earlier and work out whatever. Then in three months, reevaluate how you are feeling about yourself. I wouldnt move out until you lose more weight and save more money. Good luck