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When someone leaves the perfect girl because he doesn't want a relationship

RatsAreCool

By RatsAreCool
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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RatsAreCool Member

RatsAreCool

Posted
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Can someone please explain this concept to me? Assuming that the person who I'm talking about wasn't lying about anything he said (and I know that he wasn't, it's one of those had-to-be-there situations, but none of my friends think he was lying either).

 

I mean, to me, it seems like this--if you leave the perfect girl, there's a really, really good chance you ain't gonna get her back, and then where does that leave you? Even if you really DON'T want a relationship.

 

This fails to make sense to me on so many levels.

 

I'm not really all that upset right now, I'm just trying to understand.

 

Also take into account that this person was really scared of relationships. He'd only ever had one and I guess it was horrible, and it ended with his gf leaving him for another dude.

 

And yes, I know he wanted to hook up with other girls. He told me so, more than once. Sooooo... while it is clearly a ******bag move, it also gives even more evidence to the fact that he wasn't lying to me. If YOU were going to lie to get into a girl's pants, you wouldn't tell her you also wanted to hook up with other girls... that spells FAIL.

 

But if you're with the perfect girl, why would you want to hook up with anyone else? No sense. No sense at all.

IUEORUWEORUEWIRUWEC.

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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Actually it makes perfect sense to me. You just described my situation 6-7 years ago. Ex disappeared, met the perfect girl, 11 months later, I did not want to be in a relationship. I wanted to sleep with other girls

 

There was absolutely nothing wrong with the girl I left and I told her that. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore. She took it the same way you did. It hurt her and I will tell you something it hurt me too.

 

As for it making sense, it doesnt make any sense to you right now because you just dont see it or havent experienced it.

 

As for the honest reasons why if you have the perfect girl and want to hook up with other girls? There's a bunch, immaturity, scared, afraid to face reality, commitment issues, stupidity. If he told you you are the perfect girl, there's nothing wrong with you, take it at face value and that he will realize years later that he made a mistake. He probably also knows that you wont take him back years later. I'll tell you a secret, you shouldnt. I will tell you another secret, stay away from him. I mean far far away

BoredAgain Established Member

BoredAgain

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Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he just wants to see of the grass is greener elsewhere. Maybe he's just a self-centered jerk. I don't know enough about the situation.

 

Regardless, it seems like he has to deal with these issues himself. The best advice is to let him go and move forward with your own life.

Ajax Established Member

Ajax

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If you really are the perfect girl, then you shouldn't have any trouble finding someone better than this guy who will be able to give you the relationship that you want. Of course it's a hit to the ego when someone says you're perfect, but that isn't good enough to commit to.

 

I think that kind of behavior creates a disconnect in reasoning in the mind of the person dumped. In reality, he probably wasn't really all that great. But since he left you, you're feeling the need to prove that you're good enough for him to have stayed, or want you back, or realize that he blew the chance of a lifetime... at least on a subconscious level.

 

So go find someone better.

 

Hi, my name is Ajax and I'm looking for the perfect girl :)

Lonely-lulu Member

Lonely-lulu

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This sounds just like the end of my relationship. He said to me and other people that I was the perfect girlfriend but that he just didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. I think it's rubbish to be honest. If I were the perfect girlfriend he would never give me up and I think the same applies to you. He also said to me that he wants the opportunity to flirt and dance with other girls, just like your ex.

 

Be careful this is the second time me and my ex have split up although on both occasions it was for the same reason. Last time we split up he came back when he found out I was seeing someone else. It's like you're a possession and although he doesn't want you anymore he may not want anyone else to have you either. Hopefully we will both find someone who thinks that we are so perfect that they would never let us go. In the meantime all the questions regarding a breakup like this are infuriating!

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
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Can someone please explain this concept to me? Assuming that the person who I'm talking about wasn't lying about anything he said (and I know that he wasn't, it's one of those had-to-be-there situations, but none of my friends think he was lying either).

 

I mean, to me, it seems like this--if you leave the perfect girl, there's a really, really good chance you ain't gonna get her back, and then where does that leave you? Even if you really DON'T want a relationship.

 

This fails to make sense to me on so many levels.

 

I'm not really all that upset right now, I'm just trying to understand.

 

Also take into account that this person was really scared of relationships. He'd only ever had one and I guess it was horrible, and it ended with his gf leaving him for another dude.

 

And yes, I know he wanted to hook up with other girls. He told me so, more than once. Sooooo... while it is clearly a ******bag move, it also gives even more evidence to the fact that he wasn't lying to me. If YOU were going to lie to get into a girl's pants, you wouldn't tell her you also wanted to hook up with other girls... that spells FAIL.

 

But if you're with the perfect girl, why would you want to hook up with anyone else? No sense. No sense at all.

IUEORUWEORUEWIRUWEC.

 

The old unrequited love scenario...i've been there myself recently.

 

A good piece of advice: no matter how much you think you love them, if you haven't received love back from them, it isn't really love.

 

Assuming he sincerely meant it and isn't using it as a gentle let down, I don't think it's a cop out. You two are at different places in life. If he can let the "perfect" girlfriend go and not give it a chance it means he doesn't know himself that well. So he's doing you a favor by telling you this now. Do you really want to invest your time and emotion into someone who does not know themselves? If he doesn't know himself, how can he really meet your needs?

 

Best thing to do is cut off communication and move on. I've had a few girls tell me this and years later they try to contact me. By then they have baggage and it isn't worth it. Sorry to disappoint you b/c I know how it feels but you shouldn't hang your dreams on this guy. Invest your heart into someone who will invest equally in you. :)

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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No man nor woman is perfect. However, their imperfections can be compatible, though it doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

As indicated by responses, apparently acceptance is the challenge you face. I hope you find success. :)

smokey bear Established Member

smokey bear

Posted
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You keep posting the same thing and you keep getting the same advice. Rent out the movie "he is just not into you". Why can't you accept he is not into you?. Some guys are very clever. They want to protray themselves as the nice guy. So they will give you some c%ck and bull story and some girls lap it up. You are trying to make this guy out to be something that he is not. He can't be any clearer that he does not want to be in a relationship with you. He is letting you down while trying to be the nice guy. The problem is not him. It's you. You come across as a very eccentric girl (Rats not not cool by the way). How many posts are you going to post before it sinks in? HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

 

 

 

 

CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH

 

 

ive met tons of people who would be perfect and so good for me, at the end of the day, that x factor isnt there, theres no mojo.

 

Never will be either, it would be settling, it would be a grown love than a true love.

 

If i found and settled for the perfect man, guess what.... I would get bored.

 

 

 

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU. HARSH BUT TRUE, MOVE ON AND FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS THAT XFACTOR FOR YOU.

thepedestrian Established Member

thepedestrian

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Rats, the perfect person can come along in your life but the timing might not be right. I went through this in my life as the girl was head over heels for me but the timing wasn't right FOR ME. Honestly, move on. Go no contact. HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU. One of my best friends was in this situation also. He wanted to experience college. It really doesn't matter what the reason is. HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU.

 

Listen, the truth is one day he might wake up and realize he made a huge mistake. The truth is he also might wake up and be happy with his decision. You can't go through your life waiting for some guy to MAYBE come back to you. Move on, date other people, open your heart to other people. Make yourself vulnerable to fall in love with someone else because this guy is no longer in the picture. If he comes back you'll be the one with all the power and control over the situation and you'll be able to make the best decision for yourself. Chances are you might not even want him back by then.

mike588 Established Member

mike588

Posted
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I agree with all the other posts,, move on.

 

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

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RatsAreCool Member

RatsAreCool

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I'm not upset about it anymore, I just never found an answer to my question that didn't involve "move on"--which, wasn't that obvious all along to everyone, including me?

 

Which is the the reason for the continued posts.

 

I hate the phrase "he's just not that into you." Retarded. It gives people the impression that if you love someone enough the relationship will work out, which is obviously not the case. You think that the 50% divorce rate in this country is due to the fact that there just wasn't enough love to start with? B*******. People mistreat those they really care about every day. People LEAVE those they really care about every day.

 

I'm just looking for answers. Is that really so wrong? I can't just let it go without trying to understand, it's not in me.

 

As to the poster who called me "eccentric." I AM eccentric. But I'm also very smart and very attractive, and I consider my eccentricity an asset, not something to be ashamed of. Don't bs me. This site is to help people, not to try to make people feel crappy about themselves. (Also, I have pet rats you moron, which is why I gave myself that name. Your feelings about rats should have nothing to do with your response).

 

Other posters however gave me some information that I felt was more useful. Thank you to the first two answers.

 

It's not about just going out to find someone else. My feminist sensibilities won't allow that. I liked this person. I didn't want a bf, I wanted HIM. So it's not about looking for a surrogate. And yes, the poster who said that I was just trying to fix my pride is very right. He wasn't all that great. He was actually kind of an idiot. Not nearly as smart as he thought he was. But thank you for noticing that.

 

Trying very hard to hold back my frustration.

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RatsAreCool Member

RatsAreCool

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Also, didn't I say that the guy is a d*****bag? What part of me is trying to make him out to be something he isn't? I also just said he's not nearly as smart as he says he is.

 

I don't want him back anymore. Is there something wrong with trying to understand a situation better?

smokey bear Established Member

smokey bear

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Well we are trying to heal too and get advice so it frustrates us too when someone posts the same questions.

 

You wanted answers, you got several, all saying the same thing.

 

It is plain and simple as he's not into you.

 

We are not getting onto you or putting you down, sometimes it takes everyone's harsh words to understand. Home truths do help.

 

If you want advice, start researching how to heal yourself, love yourself etc.

 

We never get answers, we dont need answers to move on and get closure.

thepedestrian Established Member

thepedestrian

Posted
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Let out your frustration and anger toward us. We can definitely handle it and won't hold it against you Rats.

 

You're probably not going to get an answer out of him that will make you happy - in fact he PROBABLY doesn't have the answer himself.

 

You can let it go without getting answers because you have the answers. You just haven't necessarily used the tool you need to decipher the answers - TIME!! You need a clear head. Honestly, your posts right now are full of raw emotion. Let this emotion subside, wait until you have a clearer head, and you'll see the situation for what it really is.

 

You have to accept that you guys aren't going to be together right now. Maybe never. Timing is everything even if the right person comes along.

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
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I'm not upset about it anymore, I just never found an answer to my question that didn't involve "move on"--which, wasn't that obvious all along to everyone, including me?

 

Which is the the reason for the continued posts.

 

I hate the phrase "he's just not that into you." Retarded. It gives people the impression that if you love someone enough the relationship will work out, which is obviously not the case. You think that the 50% divorce rate in this country is due to the fact that there just wasn't enough love to start with? B*******. People mistreat those they really care about every day. People LEAVE those they really care about every day.

 

I'm just looking for answers. Is that really so wrong? I can't just let it go without trying to understand, it's not in me.

 

As to the poster who called me "eccentric." I AM eccentric. But I'm also very smart and very attractive, and I consider my eccentricity an asset, not something to be ashamed of. Don't bs me. This site is to help people, not to try to make people feel crappy about themselves. (Also, I have pet rats you moron, which is why I gave myself that name. Your feelings about rats should have nothing to do with your response).

 

Other posters however gave me some information that I felt was more useful. Thank you to the first two answers.

 

It's not about just going out to find someone else. My feminist sensibilities won't allow that. I liked this person. I didn't want a bf, I wanted HIM. So it's not about looking for a surrogate. And yes, the poster who said that I was just trying to fix my pride is very right. He wasn't all that great. He was actually kind of an idiot. Not nearly as smart as he thought he was. But thank you for noticing that.

 

Trying very hard to hold back my frustration.

 

I hope my advice didn't hurt you. That wasn't my intention :) I have just been there myself and I know how bad you want that other person to see how good a relationship with you would be. I feel for you b/c I recently experienced this. I tried to convince her that I was a good person and she could trust me. She told me she was extremely attracted to me on several levels but just did not want a relationship right now. The thing is some other guy violated her trust and she is not emotionally healed from it. You never know the true extent of this guys' past. One thing I do know is I refuse to do time for another guy's crime lol So take it for what it's worth, but this guy has baggage that is preventing him from opening his heart to you. Whatever it is that's holding him back, he will have to fix. You can't fix it, which is the part that is hard. You want to help him heal, but he won't allow it.

 

Trust me, it hurt. I really connected with her on many levels. But you know what, I had to respect her decision, and let her go. I still think about her, but I know that when it comes to matters of the heart, you cannot convince anyone using logic. I don't think that it's "he's not that into you"; it's just that the timing is wrong. One poster said, timing is everything. That is very true. I try to look at these experiences as trials we are going through to prepare us for when the right person does come along.

 

This guy is not mentally mature enough to meet your needs. He is doing you a favor by showing you his flaws before you get entangled in a relationship. If there is a chance for a future relationship with him the best thing to do is give him space and an opportunity to miss you. Sometimes people don't know what they have till it's gone, as the old saying goes. :)

 

Best of luck to you!

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RatsAreCool Member

RatsAreCool

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Thank you Final, for rewriting what you wrote. Your explanation is really good and useful to me.

 

I really, legitimately feel fine right now. Like, really. Keep in mind I wrote those posts about two months ago! I'm frustrated and angry maybe still, but I'm not really hurting all that much anymore, only sometimes. I still don't think there's anything wrong with trying to make sense of it all, or with wanting to hear other people's stories.

 

Getting the "get over it and date someone else" advice isn't helpful, and it's a lot of what I got before. Honestly I remember now that's why I avoided the forum for a long time--I should have foreseen that this would be what would happen. That's got to be the worst thing you can say to someone after a breakup, in spite of how stupid the person they were dating might have been. What good does that do anyone?

 

As if getting over it was a choice you could make and not a process.

 

And as to feeling frustrated when someone asks the same questions, there's an easy solution to that. Don't read the post and don't respond. My asking questions doesn't interfere with other people giving you advice, duh. It's not mutually exclusive, I'm not taking anything away from you by reposting.

 

Plus, as I've mentioned prior to this, I have an anxiety disorder that causes me to go over and over the same information. I post here to avoid annoying my friends... they can't choose to ignore me, but you guys can.

 

however, if you do want to help me and you have posted something useful, which many people here have, then thank you sincerely. You've been awesome.

 

I feel a lot of people are taking their frustrations out on ME right now. You were weak and hurt at one point in your lives, so you're really angry with yourselves, not with me. I don't affect your life nearly enough for that. And if I do... you're spending too much time on this site.

thepedestrian Established Member

thepedestrian

Posted
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Rats, the "get over it and date someone else" doesn't mean go date someone else. It means grieve for your loss and once you've accepted it and moved on and ready to date go date. You're right, its not a choice but a process. One that most of us posting here have had to go through.

 

There is also nothing wrong with not making sense of it but often times this is something you must do without the answers from your ex. :mad: Its annoying because you wonder why someone who you think cares about you won't help you move on. I was/am in the same boat with my ex. In fact my ex told me "we're done for now" hows that for closure? I had to remove the "for now" part to move on.

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RatsAreCool Member

RatsAreCool

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I feel like I had to do a similar thing. I tried one last time to get answers from him and when he shut me down I spent a whole lot of time crying over it, and then I finally was like "I can't keep doing this to myself." So I sent him an fb message saying we'd never be cool and it was his fault, not mine, then deleted him.

 

So I was the one that finally decided the answer was "never." Which is why I'm doing a lot better.

 

But that doesn't mean I'm not still trying to make it all make sense... Thank you for being understanding. But I had some friends who were pushing me to get out there when I was still bursting into tears for no reason all the time, which was definitely not the answer.

 

Idk, I realize I wasn't with this person for two years or anything, but in some ways I feel like it hurts more for that. Like something ended that never got a solid chance. But people seem to think that just because it was short it should be easy to get over... not the case.

 

And bringing up the fact you think I'm weird based on my posts is just crossing another line. Bleah. If you can't find sympathy on here, where everyone else is going through a similar thing, where are you supposed to find it anywhere else?

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