Destiny79 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 (edited) So I met a guy 'online' we talked for a week and to be fair the conversations were about varied and interesting subjects. I also have insecurities and trust issues, but he made every reassurance and so I said yes to seeing him. First date was awkward from the start, I am very shy, he is very confident he immediately held and kissed my hand. I came out of my shell a little as the evening progressed and we spent most of the evening being close to each other and eventually kissing. I must point out it didn't go any further than that and he didn't try anything other than that. The guy asked me to see him again and I wanted too, but I felt insecure and kinda looked for reassurance that he would turn up. He swore that he would and I went home feeling like I had just had, for the first time, in a long time, a real spark with someone on a deeper level than just physical attraction. I wanted to see him again and we re-arranged a 2nd date, but sure enough he sent a text telling me that he had an emergency and couldnt see me. I didn't respond. I got another text from him after this with a kiss, so I then responded, unfortunately, my response was harsh as I immediately thought he was giving me the brush off. Maybe I was too harsh? I sent a text apologising for being harsh and I got a text back, I felt bad as the response from him clearly meant he was upset with me so I text and resolved the situation and we ended the convo with him saying he would text me later that day, which I haven't. What is it that is going on here? does he like me, doesnt he... is it just a genuine emergency and I should wait for him to contact me, or is he just too nice to follow through with the 'emergency' brush off? ...grrr! Edited December 4, 2011 by Destiny79
Disenchantedly Yours Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Destiny, first lets address some of the pressure you unfairly placed on him. It seems to be a lot of pressure to put on a guy you just met to sooth your personal insecurities and trust issues. It seems to me that you really laid heavily on him for reassurance based on what you shared with us. I could see that being a bit of a turn off from a guy that just met someone. First dates and really, the first stages of getting to know someone are suppose to be fun and light hearted and not about either partner soothing the other's personal demons. We all have insecurities and issues we struggle with but it's not fair to push those on other people. Did you ever ask him what the emergency was? I think you need to do some work on yourself. You need to not look for validatoin through men and their acceptance of you as a defining factor to who you are. Right now it seems your doing a little bit of that. Once you handle that, you'll be able to handle your relatoinships from a more relaxed spot then the on you currently seem to have which seems to be wrapped up in insecurity and some fear. I say forget about if this guy likes you or not. It simply doesn't matter. Life will move on if it doesn't work out with this guy and you will find someone else. For now, take a deep breath and relax and let him come to you. Let him make first contact going foward. Don't put so much pressure on him unfairly or yourself.
SapphireSlippers Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I don't understand it either. On the one hand, if he had to cancel, it's only common courtesy to say, "Not this time, but how about Thursday instead?" Then you know it's not a brush off. So because he didn't, it sounds like he lost interest. On the other hand, when you called him on it (the harsh text), he seemed upset. Why would he be upset if he had rejected you first? Is he back-burnering you? Putting you on ice for now in case he wants to pick up with you later? But even then why be upset that you are unhappy with him? What to do? If you call to discuss it, are you obsessive? If you let it go and never do anything, does he just drift away?
Author Destiny79 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 You're right... and I thank you for your honest response. Although, I didn't mean to be so selfish and put pressure on him intentionally, so I can honestly say I think I have just blown something that could potentially have been Good
Author Destiny79 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 He did say that he wanted to try and rearrange another day for us to meet up! God I have been an absolute muppet! :(
ditzchic Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 You're right... and I thank you for your honest response. Although, I didn't mean to be so selfish and put pressure on him intentionally, so I can honestly say I think I have just blown something that could potentially have been Good It does kinda sound like you've blown it, sorry to say. But don't put too much stock in it. We all have our baggage and we all have to be understanding that our dates have baggage too. Yes, it's a good idea to do some work on yourself and address and resolve your issues yourself but if this was something "good" the guy wouldn't have blown you off after only one date. You did put a lot of pressure on him but if he were really into you he would be able to take it. At least enough to give you one more shot. Just chalk this one up to experience. And you might want to consider doing some work on your trust issues and insecurities before you try again with another guy. It doesn't sound like you're ready for anything serious. Once you get more serious with a guy and he starts sharing his life with you, the possible reasons to freak out multiple.
DearAbby Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I think you are insecure and your insecurity came out in the text you sent him and freaked him out. My advice work on you. Good luck.
Author Destiny79 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 I think you are insecure and your insecurity came out in the text you sent him and freaked him out. My advice work on you. Good luck. You are right, we all have insecurities, that we could work on! However, after reflection I can't help thinking my insecurities or trust issues were heightened because there was something not necessarily right about this guy. Smooth as he was on the first date, He was giving me extremely mixed messages, one minute kissing the back of my hand and the other telling me how sexy I am. I have been open and very honest since the beginning and I don't hold back on being so, so there really was no reason for this guy to have met up with me if he thought I put too much pressure on him. I did try and ring him. We've had no contact since he sent his text saying he would contact me, but I took on board that he may just need a sign that I am concerned about him and not just worrying about myself, however I wasn't surprised when it went to Voicemail. The guy obviously liked me, what is so funny is it was all him saying that he wanted a serious relationship, that he wanted to see me again, that he thought I was a beautiful person! Do I really have to take all the blame on this one?
LittleTiger Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 The guy obviously liked me, what is so funny is it was all him saying that he wanted a serious relationship, that he wanted to see me again, that he thought I was a beautiful person! Do I really have to take all the blame on this one? Unfortunately, I think on this occasion, yes! He may have liked you, he may want a serious relationship, he may think you're a beautiful person but look at what you did from his point of view. He needed to rearrange your 2nd date because something important came up - whether it was an emergency or not is irrelevant since you've only had one date - and you gave him a hard time because of it. Think about it. It doesn't bode well for a long term relationship in the man's eyes if he gets 'told off' for being polite enough to let you know he can't make your 2nd date. Learn from the experience and move on.
Author Destiny79 Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Unfortunately, I think on this occasion, yes! He may have liked you, he may want a serious relationship, he may think you're a beautiful person but look at what you did from his point of view. He needed to rearrange your 2nd date because something important came up - whether it was an emergency or not is irrelevant since you've only had one date - and you gave him a hard time because of it. Think about it. It doesn't bode well for a long term relationship in the man's eyes if he gets 'told off' for being polite enough to let you know he can't make your 2nd date. Learn from the experience and move on. Learning my lesson and moving on...! thanks for all your honest advise, it is appreciated
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