Better w/ or without him?

[PlentyLV007]

It's been 6 months that I've broken up with my ex and I miss him very much. We were together for 5 years and I broke up with him in a very cowardly way. We got into a small argument then certain feelings that I had inside surfaced and it all came out. With two days in silence I just called him and told him to pick up his stuff. Nasty things were said on his part and I just hung up on him. Didn't answer the phone because I knew if I did we probably would still be together. In 6 months my whole life has changed. I'm on my own, I've changed my whole way of thinking and realized that I still love him. The thing is I haven't heard from him at all. He talks to my best-friend and she tells me that he goes out, talks to other girls and even has one close friend. He tells my best friend That he blames everything on me. He has anger towards me....I don't blame him. Two months ago I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt and how I knew we needed time apart to grow. He said to my best-friend that it was too late. Why did I wait so long.

I miss him dearly. What to do?

[azgirl]

Oh boy. Unfortunately, I am not quite sure what to tell you here. It's hard when you let someone go and then live to regret it. And the thing is - you have no control over what he's feeling. None. And unless he is willing to forgive you and let go of the anger that he has toward you, then you just have to accept that. You could perhaps try to talk to him in person. Maybe there are things he wanted to say to you that he did not get a chance to. Maybe you could put out the offer of beginning with a friendship again and giving him time to forgive you. Unless he does that you're kind of stuck because it is not up to you, it's up to him.

 

I'm sorry. I am sure that is not the answer you wanted, but it's the truth.

[LoosScroo]

let me tell you.. i know how you feel for the most part. although i'm a guy, it's still the same thing. i was with my ex for 2 years and i broke up with her. now it's been 7 months, i'm doing field work in guatemala, things are going well for me, and i'm meeting people, and yet i STILL feel the loss and sometimes foolishly contemplate getting back with her. i know i wouldn't, but just the fact that i think about it makes me feel weak. although there's no hostility from her, she's with someone else (casually dating, but still) and it breaks my heart. even though i was the one that broke hers. i know it's hard, but i'll give you some pointers: 1. even if you did the breaking up it's good to have a good period of silence between the both of you before you even begin to think of starting a friendship, 2. if you did the breaking up, you have to keep in mind that even if you want your ex back, you found reason to not be with them in the first place so SERIOUSLY think about the reasons you want to be back with them, and 3. don't let it consume your life -- call up friends, hang out, find more hobbies, etc. i hope this helps.. good luck

[PlentyLV007]

Thanks very much for the advice...given me some great thoughts....which makes me question.... Do I really want him back? Or do I just miss him because I'm not dating? I've gone out...I've even tried taking to 2nd base...then I got grossed out. My ex was my first real sexual partner. Not my first. I mean I was with him for 5 years. How can he just move on so quickly. I haven't opened up to anybody....this site was the first time for me opening up. I know the person who he is really close to. He works with her. EWWW! He keeps telling my best-friend that it's not like that...YEAH RIGHT! His co-worker...she talks about me like she knew me...That really upset me. He questions certain things what I had supposedly said to her...He told my best-friend that he can't ask me since he doesn't talk to me. It's stupid...at least I think so. Would he be telling my best-friend this to hurt me? Why? If you love someone why would you try to hurt them? Why would he call my best-friend knowing I'm with her? Why does he always ask about me to her? Talk to her about our problems? I had to yell at her and tell her Shut the *uck up! I couldn't take it anymore....It's been 6 months and I'm trying to move on and it didn't help her telling me things. Plus why is he telling her stuff?

[azgirl]

Maybe he tells her stuff knowing that it is going to get back to you?? For whatever reason, he wants you to know certain things. Maybe to hurt you, maybe to get a reaction out of you. But you know I often wonder the same thing you do.

 

"If you love someone why would you try to hurt them?"

 

I've been wondering the same thing lately. My bf or ex or whatever has been pretty hurtful to me lately. A week and a half ago, he told me "I love you. You know I do." And now he wants to be "single" Just wants to be "by himself." I don't understand it. I don't understand how people can change so quickly.

 

Anytime I've been the dumper, I have thought LONG and HARD about what I was going to do to someone that I cared about before I did it. I tried to work things out for a long time before hurting someone. Not a week or two. What's up with that?

[LoosScroo]

so this is the hard part. since i don't know this ex of yours, it's hard for me to say what exactly he's trying to do. but from what i've heard, it seems like he's having the same problem as you -- just dealing with it in a somewhat immature way. i think that him telling your best friend about all this stuff with his co-worker is purely just him wanting advice and trying to check up on you seeing if you're as far as he is in the dating game. this is a bad, bad, bad, way of dealing with a breakup. i know that from experience. it only hurts.

 

so, what you should do is to tell your best friend not to talk about him. no matter what (even if you ask). if she really is your best friend, she'll understand. it sounds like you need separation ffom him. completely. also, if he IS trying to hurt you that means that that's the way he deals with separation -- making himself feel better about himself while keeping you down. perhaps it helps him to temporarily get over you. believe you me, it's only temporary. if he is trying to hurt you, he's going to realize what he did later on and it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks. not that you should want him to feel like that, but that's something to think about that may make you feel a bit stronger with your decision and about your way of dealing with the breakup.

 

again, best of luck to you. this too shall pass.

[PlentyLV007]

This is something that I've learned about my ex. Revenge and Pride tend to take over him. When in his past relationships w/ his ex who cheated on him he tried to hurt her back. By being with the one person she hated and was jealous of the most which was his best-friend. (who's always been a girl) So that is why I think he's trying to hurt me. He got close to the one person I hated....his co-worker. That is why I ask...why would you want to hurt the one person you love? After the damage is done....how would he feel? He did hurt me? Then what? This is what makes me realize...Maybe those 5 years didn't mean much to him....He's going out of his way to hurt me... I thought I did a mature thing by breaking up with him by NOT cheating on him, by NOT lying to him. I was being honest because everybody deserves honesty. After all the hurt that he has brought me why do I still love him?

[LoosScroo]

well, perhaps his revenge is directly proportional to his sense of loss and hurt. that's not very uncommon. you DID do the mature thing.. he's doing the immature thing. i'd be willing to bet that those 5 years meant a lot. even if they didn't mean the same thing to him as they did to you, that's still half a decade spent with someone.. so it's going to leave a mark on him whether he likes it or not. also, if you guys were together for that long he HAD to have felt something. something strong. so don't be so hard on yourself. relationships are tough.. don't expect miracles. i hope this clarifies some things for you..

[PlentyLV007]

Expectations is another thing that I learned through my relationship with him. I know you guys don't know much details about our past but that shouldn't matter now. All I have to say is that I was there for him through very tough times. He lost a very dear person in his life this past October. His Grandmother past away. I took a week off w/ no pay to go with him out of state to be with him at his time of need. I was there 6 years ago when he was hurting of a broken heart from his ex who cheated on him. I was there through a lot. I guess in the end you can say that I did EXPECT him to only want to be with me unconditionally. We both knew we were too young and still needed to go through a lot of changes we just didn't want to break up. When I broke up with him HONESTLY....I didn't want to. I had to! I had to do it for me. As SELFISH as that might sound but, I do owe a lot to him. Even though it caused a lot of pain to be apart from him it gave me the strength to be a better person. When I met him I was at home w/ my mom. I tried to convince my mom to let him sleep over. I did....he only stayed at my house 2 times out of the week and 3 if I'm lucky. For some reason he felt he had to be at home w/ his mom too. I didn't feel like home to him. I had to grow up and be responsible for my own person. I'll be 24 this year and I wanted to be a better person. Not to be w/ someone else not if it wasn't him. I want to still be a much better person. In my heart he is my motivation.... He didn't trust in me financially!!!! He didn't want to feel the whole burden of having do deal with all the bills. WTF???? I never expected him to take care of everything. In a relationship there are 2 people not just one. He made it seem like I was in debt or something. I WASN'T and I'm NOT! I'm on my own now to prove to myself that I can. Plus if I can't depend on myself why should somebody else? If I don't love myself as a person why should anybody else? I made a quote to myself. " Become somebody I would fall in love with." That is my goal. Not to be perfect....just to be me. When I first moved....I wanted so bad to hear him say "you did it" " I knew you could" When I got promoted at work I wanted to hear him say "I'm proud of you". He wasn't there.

It hurts.

[LoosScroo]

well it seems to me like you know you did the right thing, but it just hurts. and i can understand that completely because i'm going through the same thing. it's just going to take time. but, remember that you don't need anyone to praise you for your achievements. even though it may be nice to hear it, you know you've done well anyway.

 

not that i'm pretending to know what it's like to have been with someone for 5 years, i can compare this to my recent 2 year relationship that i broke off in october. i know i let her go for good reasons. like you said, it makes you feel selfish but sometimes that's what you have to do. relationships are about 2 people. sounds like you knew he wasn't good for you, and you did the right thing.

 

so, don't worry about it too much unless you need more closure, which i don't think you do. but all i can say is that it will take time. that's something no one can help you with, so you might as well try to have a good time during that period of time. i know this doesn't help much, but nonetheless i hope you will realize you did the right thing and learn to become a better person like you want to do, as well as realize that being alone is not so bad. when you realize this, things seem to fall in place without you trying to make them do so. hope you feel better..

[dudesomewhere]

going off your original post and this quote: "How can he just move on so quickly. I haven't opened up to anybody". I believe in your relationship he was completely devoted(at least that's the impression) and you had doubts or reservations. So you made a decision which dumbfounded him. He gave his all and didn't think twice whereas you did? Sometimes when this happens, the dumpee gets a wakeup call and moves on quickly...since 5 years was invested for naught.

 

but this is only my assumption from the info given and this quote from the first post: "We were together for 5 years and I broke up with him in a very cowardly way. We got into a small argument then certain feelings that I had inside surfaced and it all came out.

[PlentyLV007]

I agree with what you said about him being Dumbfounded and I agree with me doing the right thing...

I feel like my head is pulling me in two directions. One way because I'm listening to my head and then I'm listening to my heart. My mom said to be smart....I've thought about going to see him at his job to talk to him but, honestly in my letter that I wrote to him....I said everything I had to say....Till this day I haven't heard from him. I don't think he wants to talk to me. Plus if it's been this long....why go back now....I don't want to open up a wound that is barely healing. I wanted this man to be the one only forever. He made me feel unsure of myself, like I couldn't be responsible because of my money issues that I had in the past which I don't have now. Also I don't like to cook. I mean....he wasn't perfect...and I didn't want to change him. It seemed that he did want to change me. Not because I was a bad person....I just needed to learn more about responsibility. Which I'm now. I was unsure about children, I was unsure about being able to take care of him and his mother. He had told me that if we were to move we would have to take his mom with us....I didn't like that. As cruel as this may sound....I wanted to be the one and ONLY woman in his life. Not trying to make it seem that I didn't like his mom. Sure....but his mom living with us....sure if she needed us but she has her boyfriend and her own life. Once she was older and needed help sure...You know I've avoided night clubs that I know he goes to...because I don't want to see him with someone else....I don't know how I would feel. Even if I were to see him I don't know how I would react. I question???? If I've gotten this far....without him why would I want him back? This man was my first love and I was his first REAL relationship. Maybe we were meant to just be togheter and realize that we weren't meant for each other and be better and stronger people. I know I have.....Just to hear his voice again.....Just to hold him....I'm scared to ever go through that again....especially with him....I don't think I can handle hurting all over again with him.

Everybody says that I will never hurt like I have with him.....His my weakness.....But I thank the Lord everyday for putting him in my way....In the most hurtful way his made me see that I can be better and stronger with out him. My best friend told me that....I had changed him with out wanting too....He looks at things different now. I looked at this relationship as a positive thing in my life and he doesn't. He makes it seem like it meant nothing.....He walks around parading like everything is okay....He talks bad about me like I meant nothing when I know I was....I mean why did he stick by me for 5 years if I was so bad as he says now?

[LoosScroo]

so, i think you already knew what the situation was before you posted here. you just needed other people to hear what you're going through. and that's fine. it seems like you know it was the best thing to do to break up, because it's making you a better person being without someone. five years is a long time to be with someone, and it's going to take you a good while to learn how to live without being involved with someone.

 

in response to him saying that he doesn't think it was for the best, i think that's because - like you said - you were his first real relationship and he's therefore inexperienced with how to deal with relationships. it seems like you have the one up on him in that regard. i'll be willing to bet he's feeling as lonely as you are, but he's just dealing with it as best as he knows how. the fact that he seems resentful about the whole relationship is normal for the inexperienced in relationships because he can't see into the future or even past the initial hurt of being dumped. relationships are good no matter what, because they help both people learn a lot about themselves as well as what they want in a significant other.

 

i think what you were saying towards the end of your last post is very healthy thinking. you said that it was good that you were with him despite of the hurt, because it helped you become stronger. that's the best outlook one can have on a hard breakup. i think you're well on your way to becoming even stronger, and thus happier. you just need to be alone for a while, and not be in contact with him and things will work themselves out. you'll be fine..

[PlentyLV007]

I'm very thankful for being on this site and getting the best advice....Sadly to say it was better than talking to my best-friend since she's friends with him and all. I'm putting more attention to myself and my needs. It's just hard because I'm missing him and I'm just a little confused because of me missing him. I guess cause I've been with him for 5 years and he was the first to sleep with me in my bed, wake up next to me, it was REAL. Not like high school relationships that you get over very quick. I think I was in love like a billion times when I was younger...but it didn't hurt as bad as this. I know all in time it will be okay....just need to know that I'm not alone. I was feeling alone and confused for a long time. Hearing a man's point of view is helping me a lot. All my other guy friends from work were telling me he cheated on me since there was several occasions that he and his co-worker (who I hate w/ passion) shared a lot of time because he picked her up from work. Took her to work. Talked to her on his cell phone. My guy friends also told me that if he really did love me he would call!!! He would look for me....and he doesn't! That kind of shows me that he doesn't care....Before he would tell me that he would still want to talk to me if we ever broke up. I never thought it was right....Break up's are break ups....plus why would I still want to talk to him to know he's being with others? Don't think so! Sometimes when I see my best friend I get reminded of certain times, because we all use to go out. Sometimes I feel the reason he doesn't try to call me is because my best-friend probably tells him everything.....Honestly there are feelings of wanting him to call and then I don't! I don't want to hurt over again....I JUST MISS HIM! OR DO I MISS BEING LOVED? OR JUST BEING W/ SOMEONE? I know that I need to be alone to heal because being with someone else won't make this go away...will it?

[LoosScroo]

well i'm glad the advice is helping..

 

in response to you wondering if you need to be alone, with someone, etc. i think that you should probably be alone for now. it's usually best to heal for a while after a relationship like this. you'll know when you're ready to start dating again. it may be a couple of months from now or a year or two. it depends highly on who you are too, but from the way you describe your feelings i think being alone would suit you nicely. however, i know how you feel. it's been like 7 months since i broke up with my ex of two years and i'm just now starting to feel truly ok with being alone. so, just give it time.

 

in most situations, being with someone else only temporarily helps things after a break up. what helps permanently is knowing yourself, because that's what ultimately determines how you know who's going to be right for you. and that takes time. just don't beat yourself up about it. what's done is done and it's obviously better for you. live your life.

 

take care.

[PlentyLV007]

I went away for the weekend with my best-friend and her co-worker....Having a good time in Vegas...As we are coming home My best-friend cell phone rings....who is it...my ex...She talks to him and has conversations with him...in-front of him and it really hurts me. I've told her before to stop and she doesn't. Should it bother me? I've known her longer than she's known him. I don't understand....If she knows it bothers me why does she do it? Is this right? I was thinking on the way home how...even if me and him did get back together in the future I don't think it will ever be the same. As much as I miss him I just know it wouldn't be the same. I hate knowing the fact that I analyze everything...That I have to think about stuff and make sure that everything goes right....

I feel like I stopped something that in my mind was bad but it could have ended good! Relationships aren't suppose to be easy right? Aren't you suppose to stick by your loved one to make your relationship stronger????? I'm so bothered and hurt right now.... Confused....feeling like maybe I irrupted at the wrong time....but honestly...does it matter? He hasn't even called? 6 months and nothing!!!! I'm hurting...the weekend was good and all but I still come home to these insecure feelings about what I did. As much as everybody says it's okay, it's going to be alright....it hurts.... (tear)

[dudesomewhere]

your reactions are very strange to me. I'm wondering if the majority of women are like this...what I mean is...you ended things and want him to keep in contact with you...or it seems that way.

 

You say things could have ended good, but they didn't because you made it so. I could understand if you ended things well with him, then the 2 of you could have been the best of friends. At least that's how it works in my crazy head. But you ended them badly, it is only normal or expected that he not want to keep contact.

 

I wish I were talking to you in person because I actually want to understand how you are feeling like you are feeling. You sound like the dumpee...but you were the dumper. Very confusing to me is all

 

[PlentyLV007]

I too don't understand why I feel the way I do...I guess I just love him even though several people tell me I did the right thing. I know in my head it feels like I did but my heart still loves him. I'm pretty sure your right about him not wanting to keep in contact w/ me. I felt that I ended things badly because we didn't talk about our problem. Our little argument that I in my mind ended because of everything else that was built inside from all the other times we've argued. I feel it was the whole meeting each other at the wrong time. Like they say....You learn w/ experience...HONESTLY I do feel like the dumpee! Usually some women just easily move on cause they meet guys all the time but even if I did meet guys all the time it doesn't matter cause these guys aren't him. I know that he is trying to heal and getter over it the best he knows how. It's just weird how being together for 5 years and I wrote to him in 4 months after our break up. Now it's 6 months and I haven't heard not one word from him. Makes me feel like he didn't care. I guess that is how I made him feel when I broke up with him. How could I have done it so easily. Without talking about it...just telling him that I didn't want to argue or point fingers because it wasn't neither of our faults. Is it really too late?

[beautiful]

Why did you break up with him?

 

Maybe that would be a place to start finding out about your real feelings. I did not read (or maybe I missed another post from you) why you broke up.

 

 

5 years is a long time ot be with someone. If this is real love it will be ok. In the meantime keep living your life and make yourself happy.

[PlentyLV007]

I broke up with him because we got into an argument that was not really necessary. I went to his job to go apologize to him and tell him how much I loved him and how stupid I felt for being dumb to him. He was really upset at me and he never really ever got upset w/ me in those 5 years that we were togheter. We could always talk about our problems but that day he couldn't. Then he said That I was spying on him. He was building this relationship with his co worker. I found some numbers (repeated often) on his cell phone bill. I questioned them because they were calls that were made quite often and very late. He use to pick his co-worker up and drop her off at home. So I started feeling in-secure. She bought him a shirt and he wore it right away. I honestly feel that is not right. That is like me wearing something that a guy that liked me bought me. He would say "it's not like that" but that is not what she's thinking. I didn't like feeling this way about him. Feeling like I didn't trust him. Feeling like I had to worry about him getting close to someone else. Especially at work. A place that he spent most of his time.

 

I didn't feel that for a couple that has been together for so long should go through these stupid arguments and in-securities. Should they? He has never felt jealous or insecure about me, but I have...ALWAYS. Due to history in our relationship. In the past when we were dating I trusted him w/ my all. He ended up lying to me and hiding things from me. I guess you can say the past was re-surfing.

 

Then other feelings resurfaced like him not wanting to move in w/ me. Reasons of his mom, my past financial problems, my past problems of saving money, me not being able to cook. I thought love went deeper than that. I mean if somebody loved you and was with you for so long why would they say things like that and use your in-securities that way. He wasn't perfect....yet I still love him. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm loyal, and true. (tear)

 

So I left him because I had to prove to myself that I could. All those things that he would say I started to believe. All of these feelings and emotions came out just in a small argument. So I felt like I did him a favor. I did something he couldn't do. I walked away. Then I proved to myself that I was more then what he use to think. I save money, I'm on my own, I pay my own bills, and take care of myself.

 

I'm very proud of myself and yet I still love him. Everything that I have now I wanted to share with him. I wanted him to look at me and be proud because I could do all the things that he said I couldn't.

 

So...now the only thing that is left for me to do is grow for myself. Love myself more everyday, and every second of my life. It's been 6 months and it's been great yet miserable. Did it really have to be this way? I guess so! It hurts....every day but yet still I find a way to smile every day! I have to....I might not have tomorrow!

[dudesomewhere]

bah, see if you had given us more this would be easier on you! where's my shakefist emote? hehe

 

but he seems to be not very loyal while you are..."He has never felt jealous or insecure about me, but I have...ALWAYS. Due to history in our relationship." Sometimes in a relationship you have 1 who is honest and 1 who is dishonest...of course it will be obvious if one feels jealous and one does not, or one feels secure and one does not.

 

Guy sounds like he was cheating to me and if not was working his way there.

 

Love your self first and foremost, that prevents anyone from hurting you in this way. Sure they could try to walk over your heart but when you love yourself you're able to shake off those feelings.

 

Damn girl...all your accomplishments you've made you should feel the best about yourself and be glad where you are right now. I guess you did make the right decision. Now stop feeling like the dumpee...you feel that way because of what I call his looming infedility.

 

love yourself

[PlentyLV007]

I've been working on myself for a long time now. I write in my journal, go to class, play games, be w/ my friends, go out and I meet people all the time. It doesn't seem to help. It helps for the time being when I'm out, but when I'm driving or going home is when things just start going in my head all the time especially when we would go every where together. I'm working on my cooking and since I live w/ my cousin he helps me out and gives me pointers. I have a friend at work who helps me out a lot. Tells me not to worry about things, telling me he's a looser. Honestly I don't look at him as a looser. Just a typical guy who was scared and too young mentally to realize the good things in life. Plus you don't really realize what you have till it's gone or it's being done to you. I just miss him very much. I was use to him. Little by little everyday his face just seem's to fade away. I threw out all of our pictures, got rid of all the things that could have possible reminded me of him. I even threw away my old journal. A journal that I wrote of him only through our ups and downs. Is there any reason why I should keep hope? My heart tells me I should...but REALITY tells me I shouldn't. What is stronger? Heart? Mind?