I really like her + violent BF she wont leave = Mess! (semi long)

[stonep]

Sorry for the essay….

 

I have become a bit obsessed with a girl I work with, we get on well I really like her and I think she likes me, we text all the time and make each other laugh a lot, but she has a boyfriend. Despite the fact she is in a relationship a few weeks ago we slept together and have both said we would love it to happen again....

 

BUT.....

 

Her relationship with her bf is a little bit strange, she has told me how he doesn't turn her on any more and how he's stuck in his ways, she's had dreams about leaving him for me.... but the next day she'll tell me how much she loves him. Me = Confused!!

 

THE BOMBSHELL.....

 

Last weekend she text me in the middle of the night really upset telling me her bf has been arrested (she called the police) because he got into a drunk jealous rage (not over me) and started knocking her about.... he tried to strangle her!!!!

 

Despite this she is adamant that she can’t live without him and spent the next day telling me so. She was distraught when it looked like he was going to leave her saying things like "my life's over" and "i've lost everything" etc!!. He has since apologised and they have got back together. To top it all she is now convinced that she needed/deserved to be knocked about as punishment for cheating on him!!! I also know she has slept with other people whilst being with her bf. She says the bf doesn't know about me and would kill her if he found out!!! Me = Angry!!

 

Since this incident she has been more distant with me, the amount of flirting has dropped considerably and in many instances has not replied to my texts. We did however go Christmas shopping today and got on well, she was also a bit flirty with me.

 

Basically what the hell do I do….?

She shouldn’t be with someone who could get violent with her and I feel like I need to try and convince her of this and to be with me, but how? But I don’t want it to look like I’m prying into her business and cause us to fall out.

 

On the other hand I feel like I should just get over her and move on, leaving her to get on with her life, but every time we spend time together I feel very attracted to her again and can’t get her out of my head.

 

Arggghhh!!!

 

Can anyone give me any advice?

Edited December 3, 2011 by stonep
typo

[smudge21]

You walk away... you make it clear to her how you feel about it all, how you feel about her... then you walk away.

 

Sorry, but you are heading down a dark path which will only bring you more hurt and pain than you can possibly imagine. I've been there - my first love when I was 19. Had the phone calls. Saw the bruises and broken bones. Heard the constant excuses of why she couldn't leave him. It destroyed me for a long time. Took me a hell of a lot to walk away too, but after trying for so long to "save" her from him, I had to give up. The fact is, she needed saving from herself, as it was her that was keeping her in that situation.

 

That's the thing, you can only help those that truly want helping. Right now, you're the sholder to cry on, the normality she can fall back on occasionally when things go bad. But once it's all calmed down, she'll always run back to him. It will never change, ever, until she alone decides to change it.

 

I know however, that taking my advice will seem next to impossible for you right now, and I bet you stay in touch... you may even say goodbye, but keep the door open, which will lead to her popping back every time she has a new wound to show off. I hope you step back before this hurts you as much as it hurt me.

 

The connection or attraction you have to her is also being increased due to your nature of being a nice guy who wants to help. You hate the idea of what's happening, are sickened by it. You feel you can and should change it. That in turn makes you more connected to her. Add that on with whatever feelings you have for this girl and walking away is never going to be easy.

 

She needs help. She needs to realise how her life is and what will happen if she doesn't make some changes. But you cannot force that realisation upon her. You also have to understand that despite how you feel, it's not your responsibility what happens in her life. She made these choices before you came along and would've done them if you'd never even met her.

 

I wish you luck.

[johan]

Part of what makes things good between you is the whole work/boyfriend/cheating thing. You can't discount the environment when you make your assessment. Change the environment, and who knows.

 

It is like when you take a vacation and have a great time escaping to some place wonderful. But if you moved there and tried to live like that full time, you would find it isn't that great.

 

What you and she are doing is taking great little vacations together, and you're convinced you could move there to live permanently. What actually makes it so great is the boyfriend and the excitement and her crappy home life and your loneliness. The escape is really nice.

 

But the areas you aren't exploring are your willingness to endorse cheating, to tolerate her going to bed with another man every night. Do you think she respects that? Do you? Her infidelity and the fact that she isn't actively moving to get away from him and come to your side. If its so great, what is the holdup? And if he's abusive, then you have to deal with her past and her apparent tendency to devote herself to abusers. This cannot be overlooked, because there are women out there who actually expect abuse and won't be in a relationship without it, no matter how much they complain.

 

Not to mention the difficulty of being with someone fresh out of another relationship. Unpredictable. You stand a good chance of just being a rebound. It may be what you already are.

 

I've seen it, I've lived it, I've been in your shoes.

 

Smudge is right. Tell her where you stand, then cut her off. If she has something to offer, she'll get it on the table. If you're smart and able to do what is right for yourself, you'll wait to see real action before you go back. Don't sell out. Protect your heart.