"If it's meant to be, It's meant to be"

[StigOfTheDump]

Bit of a long one, but I'm really lost and feel lonely, I don;t have many people to talk to and have seen some good advise on here. if you could just take 10 minutes to help me out, whatever you say I'd appreciate it...

 

Distraught, empty, sad, lost, scared, lonely are just a few of the emotions I'm feeling right now. You only realise how much you love someone or something when it's taken away from you...I've now experienced this.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for four years, we got together young, at the age of 17 and grown up, supported and loved each other all the way through. We've gone from college, Uni and now in to working life together. We both know we've been a great couple, the experiences we've had, the journey we've been on and the stuff we have pulled each other through has proven this to us.

 

Things have changed over the last six months for my girlfriend. Her parents split up. Both being family orientated this was a huge blow for her and her family. Being the loving and supporting boyfriend I have been and am, I was always there for her. It wasn't easy, it still isn't! Being that shoulder to cry on, that person to confide in and the cuddles we shared, I was always there for her.

 

Whilst going through all of this, she also graduated from University whilst i worked full time. I use to travel up and down and respected that this was a big time of her life and needed to set the foundations to start her career. She has a great head on her so will one day be very successful. Some terms she would have more free time, so I use to go up and see her, spend a couple of days with her, take her out, buy her shopping and spend time together. She didn't expect the gifts here and there, but she was really grateful and showed her appreciation for them.

 

So she graduates, her parents are split up and now needs to move back home after living at University for 3 years. This was in May/June time of this year. We expect to see each other more, living 10 minute drive away.

 

My job has changed since. i was running a low end job, no much of a long career path and decided I wanted to try and make a career for myself. I set up a company all self funded with a friend. This stemmed from a hobby and a passion of mine. I've never worked in 'business' sort of terms, so it's been hard a steep learning curve let alone the stresses I've gone through.

 

Any, so my girlfriend starts a part time job, she enjoys it but isn't great, she decides to apply for another job in a coffee shop and gets offered it. Great, things are looking better for her and she has bettered her job!

 

We were hoping to see more of each other once uni had finished, but if I'm honest, we weren't. I'd work away for 2-3 days at a time, phone signal and keeping in touch was hard. I wouldn't go out of my way to ring her and this really frustrated her. We had a sit down and chat about this, to me it just seem'd like a few text messages and phone extra, no big deal! So I made more effort.

 

Two weeks go by, I'm under a lot of pressure with work, setting a career and a business up, trying to see the love of my life whilst trying to pay bills off pocket money. I kept getting down about money. She, being the great supporting girlfriend that she is supported me, picked me up of the floor and dusted me down and kept me going. She carries me!

 

Another few weeks go by, we spend some money shopping. We hadn't seen each other much, but when we did we (or I thought we did) had a really good time, had a giggle, chat and just general clowning around together!

 

She applies for another job, this time a full time job at a sports store. Anyway, she gets the job, again, great, her first full time job, she'll have some money for herself to go and spend on what she wants, buy a new car, see friends more etc

 

I asked how it was going and she seemed really happy. Vibrant place, cool young people all have the same interests and there is about 30 of them working there. I though this would really pick her up and the hi's and lows of family life, maybe make her focus more and carry on her career path. I'd carry on setting up the business and planting the future.

 

After about a week, from working there, she came round and sat in my room. She is in tears, which has happened quite a bit over the six months. I presumed family stuff again, only this time it was actually me and her. The things she was saying were along the lines of, i'm fed up, you wind me up, we spend no time together, this isn't how we are, I've changed, I've grown up and I want my own space for a bit.

 

This came like a bombshell. I knew things hadn't been the same reflecting back, but surely just a rough patch. We never argue, never raise voices and had the best times of our lives shared together since recently.

 

She walks away, I'm heart broken, confused, upset, lonely and actually felt a little angry. I'd driven her this far, wound her up, she'd cried over us, got upset, tried talking to me in the past and saying she goes to work, enjoys it, comes home, goes sees me and I'm down, slouching around, not focused on her, and this winds her up.

 

I've lost my best mate, my only mate really!

 

She said she wanted space, this was hard as I didn't know what to do. I text her friend, we had a chat, again, she said just give her space, I spoke to my Mum again,give her space and spoke to her Dad (we get on well) and he said she is just confused and respect her for wanting space.

 

I found this so hard. The person who my life revolves around (my decision) If I have free time, I spend it with her or mates from my hobby. There's no one else.

 

So I needed to speak to her and we spoke last night in her car for around two hours. I got so upset, she could see surely what she meant to me and i put my hand up that I've just made a mistake in life, forgotten where my priorities are, what means more to me and what I want in the future.

 

She seem'd set in her ways, and saying "I want my space for now" "I want to be me for a while" and "I feel like I haven't lived for the last year with all the **** things that have happened in my family and just need time for myself now" are what really stood out. But will then text each other. I asked to see her for a day over Christmas and she promised me some time. She held my hand when I broke down and gave me a hug and asked for a last kiss.

 

My heart says she will come back, but obviously I'm worried she won't. I wouldn't need to consider having her back, she knows the answer. She is still struggling with family life, I said I'm still here for her to cry with, cuddle and hold her hand. I know she still cares, loves and has feelings for me, but not the same as when she initially fell in love with me, as she says. She says talking about "us" makes her angry and pissed off. Reflecting back, I've taken her for granted and not put the effort in recently, which is hard when your mind is set and focused on a business. i put my hand up and said this can change 100%, she knows I can too.

 

I'm worried. I want her back so much, it;s only been six days. Is it the build up of stress, new change in life or is it me down and always bringing her down with me, putting her in the position of always carrying me, which can't be easy when we are young and aspire to do things. I'm just worried she will go off do her thing and be happier. I Love her and think the world of her, if she is happier with someone else, then it won't be easy, but if she is happy, then so be it. She's my world, and I thought I was hers too....

 

Any advice?

[mike588]

We all go thru those feelings of being lost,lonely,upset etc. and I feel your pain,so sorry.

 

There isn't alot you can do at this point. She know you love her she knows you want the relationship to continue and as hard as it will be you need to respect her wishes.

 

If you think it will make you feel better send her an email telling her your feelings,what you want in the relationship then leave her alone to sort out her feelings.

 

I usually suggest an email that way she can read it over and over if she chooses to and also if you were to tell her face to face then all the emotions come out,, you crying,her crying and she may not want to deal with that at this time.

 

Don't bother her after this,she wants space and if you continue to call,text,email etc. this will only push her further away from you,,remember she wants SPACE!

 

In the mean time try to move on with your life,, the balls in her corner now,,it's up to her,, you've done all you can do.

 

She will respect you for giving her what she needs and by NOT bugging her it may make her start to miss you.

[StigOfTheDump]

Thanks for your help Mike.

 

Giving 'space' sounds easy, but when the person who you think the world off and have big plans together, know she has feelings for you is hard. I just want to know she is okay, and what she is thinking. I can cope with the thought of a week or two, but when you hear/read stories of it going on for months, this deflates me.

 

Her spending 6 days away from me has really made me realise how much, and what she means. Hopefully this will be going on her mind. I think she will feel the emotions of grief of her back for a short while, weight of her shoulders, then hopefully begin to feel how I feel now, and realise the bigger picture.

 

She has ripped my heart out, my stomachs in a knot, I just want her to feel loved by me again, like we always use to be.

[twinkles]

I'm hearing from you that you are busy trying to start a business which requires alot of your time, thought and energy.

 

From her I'm hearing you don't have time for me.

 

Where exactly in this is she carrying you or supporting you?

[mike588]

Thanks for your help Mike.

 

Giving 'space' sounds easy, but when the person who you think the world off and have big plans together, know she has feelings for you is hard. I just want to know she is okay, and what she is thinking. I can cope with the thought of a week or two, but when you hear/read stories of it going on for months, this deflates me.

 

Her spending 6 days away from me has really made me realise how much, and what she means. Hopefully this will be going on her mind. I think she will feel the emotions of grief of her back for a short while, weight of her shoulders, then hopefully begin to feel how I feel now, and realise the bigger picture.

 

She has ripped my heart out, my stomachs in a knot, I just want her to feel loved by me again, like we always use to be.

 

Ohhhh do I know how you feel!!! I know it's one of the most difficult things to ever have to go thru!

 

Don't think for a second that she has forgotten you or doesn't think about you. She has problems (family) now and she made it clear what she wants/needs now.Respect that.

 

You want her to feel loved by you,,I'm sure she knows that! you have made that perfectly clear to her, she's not going to forget that!

 

Do you want her back or annoy her? Get out of her face for awhile,, give her what she wants!!

[fenderjames]

You've come to the right place stig . You will get some good words and advice from ppl going thru, coming out and reflecting back on broken hearts . Good luck to you friend .

[StigOfTheDump]

I'm hearing from you that you are busy trying to start a business which requires alot of your time, thought and energy.

 

From her I'm hearing you don't have time for me.

 

Where exactly in this is she carrying you or supporting you?

 

She has carried me a lot through life. Whilst being unemployed for a month, it was easy to sit back into a lazy un energetic lifestyle, dwelling on the negatives. She kept me motivated, helped me find jobs, helped with CV and not 'mothered' me, but more cared and loved me. She know I was grateful for this, telling her often back then and recently.

 

She is 100% right. I've not allowed time in my life (currently) to fit her in. Aimed 100% at my future business and just presumed she will be there for me all along taking her for granted.

 

I have never looked at my work / life balance. I fit company time in whenever I could rather than working the 9-5 as they say. She works shifts, so it;s possible to do my business when she does her shifts. It's still important we have our own time I feel, she has horse riding and mates I have my hobby also.

 

My brain tells me it's a build up of stresses. She has seen change recently with work and it's improved and maybe she sees change as a good thing and an answer to a few things.

 

I fully respect what she is asking for. but being in a 'close' relationship and whenever either of us has been down, we've been the ones there for each other. This time, she is hurt, I am hurt and we haven't got each other to deal with this over.

 

I have a big day on Monday regarding business and I was saying last night when we had a chat that I probably won't go, yet she is making me go and going to text/ask how it went she said. Surely that's feelings right there for me? Do I txt back, keep it short, reply with a phone call?

 

Do I break down, tell her how much I love her and can't bare this whenever we make contact or act positive, moving forward, taken it well and bare the physiological thought of her thinking I'm getting over her?

 

Niether of us have been in big relationships before, only school playground stuff and this is so hard!

[StigOfTheDump]

I have been looking at this from every angle and slant there is, just to get my head round things in the lost world I've been in.

 

Maybe I shouldn't discuss this, but here Mum and Dad split up over similar reasons. Her Dad had a passion for the outdoors. Worked a big job in a school Mon-Fri and bought his work home spending time in the evenings. He would then go out climbing and doing his weekend stuff, the chill out from work, rather than spending time with his Wife. Some couples are happy with that, but some not. They argued a bit - 25 years isn't easy.

 

My girlfriend (should I still call her that) is closer to her Dad whilst brother lives with mum. She doesn't see her Mum that much so I doubt her Mum has been planting ideas in to her head about falling in to a similar position.

 

She has big things to deal with (family) and needs me to be there for her, yet my time and determination has been resting on my future where I've wanted her support. So the majority of our time together has just been dwelling on negatives and not spending time for me and her...maybe that's the bottom line of it.

 

Just pray she comes back when she is ready. Sooner rather than later.

[twinkles]

Just text back with no I love you's

 

Just thank her for her words of encouragement, tell her you will be going to that meeting on Monday and looking forward to it as it is a stepping stone to the advancement of your professional life. Thank her again.

 

Let her see you in a positive light not like some loser pining over her.

[GymRat]

Sometimes when someone pulls away so fast, it's because there's someone else in the picture. I really don't want to speculate, but in my experience, I've been in a very 'near perfect' relationship where we rarely argued and supported each other considerably, but when she pulled away from me (I didn't realize at the time) it was because there was someone else. She definitely didn't tell me, she just said she was afraid she'd never know what it would be like to be alone and independent and that scared her.

 

Just when you said she had a new job with lots of young, energetic people like her, I figured she might have met someone at work. And that's difficult to hear right now, but obviously I don't know what's really happening. But if true, when this news hits you, it's absolutely devastating.

 

But regardless of why she's pulling away, it's true that you do need to respect her space and let her be. If she's ever going to miss you, you have to be out of the picture for a while and really let her think it through.

[StigOfTheDump]

Just when you said she had a new job with lots of young, energetic people like her, I figured she might have met someone at work. And that's difficult to hear right now, but obviously I don't know what's really happening. But if true, when this news hits you, it's absolutely devastating.

 

Yeah and this is the hardest news to take if so the case. I don't believe it is. Whilst people change and with mobiles, facebook, it's easy to keep in touch with others and plan things. There definitely isn't anyone else at the moment. Whilst someone may have taken a shining to her, or maybe her feelings have changed to someone else, i don't believe at this stage it's the case. Am I fooling myself? I genuinely don't think I am. We have had 100% trust since the start, never had any funny business just this has come out of the blue. It's built up, but I;d have thought would have come differently, maybe more like "We've both got loads on pressure is building between us and for us both, we need a couple of weeks away from each other" if that was how it was, I'd have totally understood. But with all the mixed emotions with what she says, and the way she says it makes it hard to take in and understand.

 

I don't think I'm joking myself, but if there is someone else he will soon be in a wheel chair.

[Sustugriel]

Sometimes when someone pulls away so fast, it's because there's someone else in the picture. I really don't want to speculate, but in my experience, I've been in a very 'near perfect' relationship where we rarely argued and supported each other considerably, but when she pulled away from me (I didn't realize at the time) it was because there was someone else.

 

I agree. This is so decidingly similar to my story Stig. I don't want to give you false hope but I did all the things you did.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=307345

 

We were together for 5 years. We went through college together and were beginning to start a life together, and one day she just left (with a note) claiming she needed to be herself and wanted space... Well if you read that story, you'll see that later I found out something quite terrible.

 

In my opinion, you should prepare for the worst, and accept the possibility that she may never come back, and even if she did, it wouldn't be the same. She left you when you needed her most, that's hard to forgive. You are also a human being and have certain rights and desires, it's not all her.

 

But the point still remains, you've done all you can do and just sit back and watch things unfold...Just prepare for news you don't want to hear. TRUST me, you don't want to be blindsided like I have been.

[StigOfTheDump]

When we talked I did get a really negative vibe about the 'getting back together if/when' situation. Though this could just be frustration and being pissed off. If I've pissed her off then she is going to be dead blunt and angry right and may seem like I'm holding her back...?

[silly_panda]

Man... I feel for you... My ex dumped me cause I took her for granted too... But you know what..? I don't think this 'taken her for granted' thing is really a reason for a break up... Well, if it's an abusive relationship or you had taken her for granted from the beginning of the relationship, then it does make sense and it give her enough reason to leave...

 

But here's the thing... She knows you are working hard on your business and you are focusing on your career path for a better future for you and probably for her too... She should understand what you are doing... Either she is not mature enough to understand that or she has loss feelings for you...

 

You had been together for 4years now..? And you not giving her enough attention for THAT 1week or 2 makes her think that you don't care about her..? What about all those attention you gave her throughout your relationship..? That meant nothing compared to the 1 - 2weeks that you had neglected her..? It doesn't really make sense rite..? If you taken her for granted is the reason she left, then she is just pure selfish and only think about herself...

 

I agree with some posters here saying that they might be another guy... Or, she is starting to see the world differently now as she is going into working life and getting into the real society... She wants to experience life and try new stuff... Give herself more options maybe... These kinda things happen a lot as you read posts on here... I believe it's called GIGS...

 

Whatever it is, focus on your business man... You already loss her, at least make your business work... Good luck man...

[StigOfTheDump]

Man... I feel for you... My ex dumped me cause I took her for granted too... But you know what..? I don't think this 'taken her for granted' thing is really a reason for a break up... Well, if it's an abusive relationship or you had taken her for granted from the beginning of the relationship, then it does make sense and it give her enough reason to leave...

 

But here's the thing... She knows you are working hard on your business and you are focusing on your career path for a better future for you and probably for her too... She should understand what you are doing... Either she is not mature enough to understand that or she has loss feelings for you...

 

You had been together for 4years now..? And you not giving her enough attention for THAT 1week or 2 makes her think that you don't care about her..? What about all those attention you gave her throughout your relationship..? That meant nothing compared to the 1 - 2weeks that you had neglected her..? It doesn't really make sense rite..? If you taken her for granted is the reason she left, then she is just pure selfish and only think about herself...

 

I agree with some posters here saying that they might be another guy... Or, she is starting to see the world differently now as she is going into working life and getting into the real society... She wants to experience life and try new stuff... Give herself more options maybe... These kinda things happen a lot as you read posts on here... I believe it's called GIGS...

 

Whatever it is, focus on your business man... You already loss her, at least make your business work... Good luck man...

 

Everyones words help, thanks.

 

In reality, it;s been longer than a few weeks I've 'neglected her' probably for around a month or two, maybe longer in her eyes.

 

I can understand if she wants to go of and explore, travel, do things she hasn't done etc. But surely after spending all our quality time together of a period of years, you'd want to do it together, Why? Because love, care and being best mates surely? As said, she is my best mate, my sole mate and someone that I thought I'd grow old and grey with. We have never talked about big commitments, family etc so that hasn't driven her away. We both wanted to travel to NZ and spend time out there, we had things we wanted to achieve together but no big commitments.

 

We are young, we both want to still go out, drink, see places just I'm building a future. I've spent six months doing it...another few months and we'll be in a position to lay back a bit and take the foot of the gas. Just when you need support the most and a bit of consideration...this is what I get.

 

We've neevr raised hands or voices and in the four years we have always talked loads, had good times, done loads together and maybe it is her changing and seeing thing different now she pays taxes...

 

I'm not ready to move on. If it felt right then it would be easy, or if we'd had big arguments, bust ups or something drastic changed like moving away for work etc. I have never, NEVER got in the way of her own things and encouraged her to apply for jobs further away...not that I wanted rid, but because I wanted her to do well and lead her life to full.

 

Just so confused...this whole time apart...is it worth it, the general outcome seems to be it's game over from time apart and it's just something to delay tactics...

[StigOfTheDump]

How can someone who knows you care for them so much, says they love you still put that person through something like this? It so hurts

[mike588]

How can someone who knows you care for them so much, says they love you still put that person through something like this? It so hurts

 

I'm still asking myself the same question 4 months later. Well they either lost their attraction to you or someone else came into the picture.

 

My ex. went back to her ex. and I knew/know the pain. They can still love you but may not be "in love" with you anymore, it's not easy for (most) of them either thats why alot of us don't hear from them and were left wondering why?

 

They don't want to hear about how it hurts you, how your struggeling and don't want to feel guily for the pain their causing.

[silly_panda]

Everyones words help, thanks.

 

In reality, it;s been longer than a few weeks I've 'neglected her' probably for around a month or two, maybe longer in her eyes.

 

I can understand if she wants to go of and explore, travel, do things she hasn't done etc. But surely after spending all our quality time together of a period of years, you'd want to do it together, Why? Because love, care and being best mates surely? As said, she is my best mate, my sole mate and someone that I thought I'd grow old and grey with. We have never talked about big commitments, family etc so that hasn't driven her away. We both wanted to travel to NZ and spend time out there, we had things we wanted to achieve together but no big commitments.

 

We are young, we both want to still go out, drink, see places just I'm building a future. I've spent six months doing it...another few months and we'll be in a position to lay back a bit and take the foot of the gas. Just when you need support the most and a bit of consideration...this is what I get.

 

We've neevr raised hands or voices and in the four years we have always talked loads, had good times, done loads together and maybe it is her changing and seeing thing different now she pays taxes...

 

I'm not ready to move on. If it felt right then it would be easy, or if we'd had big arguments, bust ups or something drastic changed like moving away for work etc. I have never, NEVER got in the way of her own things and encouraged her to apply for jobs further away...not that I wanted rid, but because I wanted her to do well and lead her life to full.

 

Just so confused...this whole time apart...is it worth it, the general outcome seems to be it's game over from time apart and it's just something to delay tactics...

 

 

Still... It's not really you taking her for granted rite..? You just didn't give her as much attention because something else needed your attention more and that something else is important to you... If she is mature enough, she should be able to understand... Love consist of tolerance and understanding too... You know true love when both of you can go through hard times together...

 

Just being very happy when you are together does not show how much one person love another because it is easy to feel happy and you can be happy with almost everyone... When you are able to go through tough time/argument together, that's where love comes in...

 

You 'neglected' her for 2months... Fine... Did she tell you how she felt back then..? Communication is an important thing in a relationship too...

[StigOfTheDump]

We had a chat about 2 months ago yeah. As said, text messages and this and that, they didn't seem like big deals, a few extra txt's here and there and that's all. I made the extra effort (whether it was enough) for it to work. She says how, "we're not together much and when we are, you just wind me up" by winding up, I presume she means nodding off, staying in together etc.

 

In my eyes, it's going to be one or the other.

 

1) She simply does want a break. I have loads on and may as well focus fully on that and get it going then can spend a lot more time with her like we use to...and start doing new things as we'll have a better income between us etc...

 

2) It's a time thing, see what comes along, do I really miss her? Is she testing me? Does she need me and can continue on life...which I wouldn't want.

 

Love is great, but hurts so much!

[silly_panda]

Haha... Go for the first one...

 

Many times people leave is because they don't feel fun or excited anymore... They feel bored so they start looking for excitement else where...

[mike588]

Haha... Go for the first one...

 

Many times people leave is because they don't feel fun or excited anymore... They feel bored so they start looking for excitement else where...

 

Agree, after the honeymoon period ends that's when the trouble could start.

 

People get comfortable with each other and think well I've got him/her now and I don't need to do all that stuff anymore and it becomes a routine and that's when they get bored.

[StigOfTheDump]

After another sleepless night, I have more thoughts.

 

After trolling over emails and txts she has said:

 

"I think we need time apart"

"I just wanna do my own thing now"

"just need time for myself now"

"Thats why it might be best if I have my time to sort my head out of what I want and if its meant to be its meant to be. I'm not just gunna throw away 4 years R**k"

 

Now she clearly wants space!!!

 

All this "no contact" Bull s**t is really frustrating. I understand i need to give her a 'cooling off period' time to calm down and get her self settled, but if you love someone you can't just not contact them and hope they will. When you start a relationship, you don;t just sit on your backside and things just turn out. You don't go to Uni and just roll out with good grades...you have to put effort in, make it work, surely after a week or two I should be making the effort, making sure she knows I want her and change can be put in place.

 

I'm a wreck, but if I return to her in this state she won;t believe change can happen and won't want to be with the 'same me she walked away from" I need to pick myself up, be positive not only to her, but to all things in life. If i'm to get her back, then that's the way to go right?

[Rimer]

Oh boy.. I'm going/gone thrue the same stuff my self. I also took her for granted and I feel like crap now that I see that. Sure she took me too but she never told me about these feelings before it was too late. It's been over 3 months now. She wanted/wants space and at first I just couldnt give her that I was just all over the walls missing her. When I gave her space then she contacted me about stuff (we sold our apartment) and of course as soon as I heard her voice emotions took me over and I ****ed up and asked her stuff like when can we call, see etc etc.. Stuff that is a huge no no.. Now it's been 1 week of strict NC and we agreed we'd talk around xmas again seeing if anything can be done anymore. Right now I've pissed her off so badly because I didn't give her the space she can't bare to see me as I piss her off. What can I say.. I'm so freaking lonely.. we were together for 8 years.. she was my best friend and now I feel like I don't wanna do anything without her. I know the problems we had and I gotta work on them if I wanna have any kinda chance of winning her back. That's why now I have to focus totally on myself. In the back of my mind i'm just counting days till xmas so she contacts me but then again maybe she wont even contact me? How do I know. I have to start living for myself and so do you. I also think if it's meant to be it's meant to be. My advice...

 

GIVE HER SPACE!! or else you'll **** it up.. wait for her to contact you and when she does don't say a WORD about you as a couple, don't ask her do we still have a chance etc