Why are guys so bad at communicating?

[Sugarkane]

E.g my ex who ever talked about what annoyed him. He bottled it up until it was too late. The damage was done and there was no hope for us. E.g my ex who said I can't communicate. Pretty hilarious considering he dumped me by text out of the blue.

[cerridwen]

I don't think all men are bad at communicating.

When they care to talk, you just have to listen differently.

Edited December 3, 2011 by cerridwen

[dasein]

Sorry you had to experience that, a cowardly way to break up with someone.

[Lonely Ronin]

In general guys are conditioned to not talk about feelings, even if we want to. Thus we bottle stuff up until we can't stand it anymore.

 

Take me for example, I was essentially a military brat, so I grew up always being they new kid/outsider. This has negatively affected me as an adult, as I'm naturally more defensive & closed off. The best way to get me to open up, is to get me comfortable, and ask me simple questions at first. If I'm relaxed, I can be very engaging, but if I feel cornered I become really combative.

 

 

I think a lot of guys are this way to a lesser extent.

[musemaj11]

I found that when I was more open about my feelings, women lost interest in me and saw me as their girlfriend while men lost respect for me and saw me as a wuss. So I dont have a choice but to just drink the pain away just like many men whenever I have problems.

[Soxfaninfl]

E.g my ex who ever talked about what annoyed him. He bottled it up until it was too late. The damage was done and there was no hope for us. E.g my ex who said I can't communicate. Pretty hilarious considering he dumped me by text out of the blue.

 

Women do this also. My wife of 11 years bottled up her feeling to avoid fights untill eventually I heard I don't love you anymore.

[Emilia]

It depends on emotional maturity. People learn over time that if they want to give a relationship a chance, they have to open up about how they feel. Those that never learn may not care that much about the quality of the relationship they are in or don't want to take responsibility for fixing it.

[Emilia]

I found that when I was more open about my feelings, women lost interest in me and saw me as their girlfriend while men lost respect for me and saw me as a wuss. So I dont have a choice but to just drink the pain away just like many men whenever I have problems.

 

It depends on how you do it. Plenty of men communicate negative and positive emotions and retain respect.

[Feelsgoodman]

E.g my ex who ever talked about what annoyed him. He bottled it up until it was too late. The damage was done and there was no hope for us. E.g my ex who said I can't communicate. Pretty hilarious considering he dumped me by text out of the blue.

Why are women so good at shifting the blame on the man? You were the annoying one who caused the break up...yet you make it sound like it was his fault because he was "bad at communicating".

 

When is something ever the woman's fault??

[joystickd]

It depends on how you do it. Plenty of men communicate negative and positive emotions and retain respect.

 

How then? We want to know

[freestyle]

I don't think ALL men are bad at communicating---however, I do believe that men are socialized, from a very early age, to be stoic, and keep "a stiff upper lip" about their feelings.

 

Also, if a man has experienced negative consequences from being "open" in the past, he may be more likely to 'clam up'. If a person gets clubbed over the head with their own vulnerabilities too many times, they'll learn to hide their tender spots.

[Woggle]

Because we would rather not give her a weapon that can be used against us.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sugarkane, do you think you can find some other way to frame a question other than in sexiust generalizations? Your experience can't be THAT extensive to be able to tar and feather the entire other gender with your criticisms. I know I try very hard to communicate in ways that get the job done without barbs and lingering question marks.

[monkey00]

There are women out there who are equally bad about this also...and then when all fails, they shift the blame on the guy for 'not understanding' her. It's funny how some women expect guys to read their minds, communication is always key...we're not telepaths you know!

[carhill]

Why are guys so bad at communicating?

If we were truly bad at communicating, the world would have evolved in a completely different way. For examples, watch how men communicate with each other. I see this all the time with male friends, whether we're working a job together or just shooting the breeze. We can be like a hive mind if the friendships are tight enough.

 

Why do we appear to be so bad at communicating with women? Social conditioning. I started off as a young man being very open and communicative, both about feelings as well as in general. Rejection and ridicule and outright abuse in some cases slowly taught me a different communication style. The current carhill is a result of those life experiences. TBH, I don't feel safe enough with women to communicate openly with them anymore. Get abandoned enough and one finds a different path. My male friends? No problem. Now, later in life, that formerly ridiculed communication style is greatly valued and the basis for some really healthy friendships. I'm good with that

[Meeks7]

Sugarkane,

You've just met the wrong guys

[WhiteChocolate]

I don't think men are bad communicators either. They just communicate different things. They might not be as comfortable as women in expressing their feelings, but that's mostly social conditioning saying that it isn't "manly" to have emotions.

 

I really like articulate guys

[Feelsgoodman]

If we were truly bad at communicating, the world would have evolved in a completely different way.

Exactly. Men invented communication. The computer you are using right now, the internet, email, you phone/texting device, fax, telegraph and the postal service were all invented by men. Even at the most basic level, language and alphabet were invented by men.

 

You women have quite the gall to claim that we are "bad at communicating". Without men, you'd still be using grunts and facial expressions to "communicate your feelings".

[dasein]

Exactly. Men invented communication. The computer you are using right now, the internet, email, you phone/texting device, fax, telegraph and the postal service were all invented by men. Even at the most basic level, language and alphabet were invented by men.

 

When most women say "communicating," they actually mean "willingness to comply with my agenda," not anything to do with the inconvenient facts you posted above.

[phineas]

I think very few people are truly poor communicators and they usually shun contact with others if possible anyways.

 

What I think it comes down to is one person cares very little about the relationship and just doesn't care to communicate with the other person who is just a place holder before they move on to someone they really want to be with.

 

Both men & women do this.

 

I think everyone is capable of expressing their wants & needs or displeasure.

 

some do keep it to themselves but that isn't a communication issue it's a fear of the other person leaving issue.

 

However when their the one's doing the dumping that just isn't the case.

[Shaun-Dro]

Men have always been excellent communicators since the beginning of time because if we weren't, this world would've ceased to evolve. After all, the man did build this country with both his mind, hands, and some widespread communication.

[Soxfaninfl]

Not always but certainly often true.

 

woman: "why don't you want to hang out more with my friends?"

 

guy: "because I'd rather sit on the sofa, drink beer and watch football"

 

woman: 'why don't you like my friends?

 

guy: 'that's not what I said. I just prefer to watch football'

 

so the woman then changes the subject to :

 

woman. 'why don't you want to spend more time with me?"

 

guy: 'I never said that'

 

woman: "If you cared about me...blah, blah"

 

guy (thinking fast in his head). Ok, we'll let's call up your friends and see if they want to come over and watch a movie."

 

Then she wonders why he is quiet later that night and 'not communicating his feelings'. He missed the football game he wanted to watch because he got guilted in to doing something he didn't want to do. He was communicating his preferences fine but they were not what she wanted to hear.

 

Women often do not listen.

 

That's why it's better to get a women that likes football and beer LoL.

[carhill]

When I was married I used to tie myself up in knots over that stuff, forever searching for the 'right' way to say things, so am glad for the permanent vacation from that tightrope.

[phineas]

Not always but certainly often true.

 

woman: "why don't you want to hang out more with my friends?"

 

guy: "because I'd rather sit on the sofa, drink beer and watch football"

 

woman: 'why don't you like my friends?

 

guy: 'that's not what I said. I just prefer to watch football'

 

so the woman then changes the subject to :

 

woman. 'why don't you want to spend more time with me?"

 

guy: 'I never said that'

 

woman: "If you cared about me...blah, blah"

 

guy (thinking fast in his head). Ok, we'll let's call up your friends and see if they want to come over and watch a movie."

 

Then she wonders why he is quiet later that night and 'not communicating his feelings'. He missed the football game he wanted to watch because he got guilted in to doing something he didn't want to do. He was communicating his preferences fine but they were not what she wanted to hear.

 

Women often do not listen.

 

I'd be watching football that night.

and hopefully i'd be single.

 

I honestly am done with that crap. I have very little tolerance for it & would rather be single.

[lilyblue]

I've dated men that were good at communicating bad things, but not good things. And a man that was very good at communicating good things, but not bad things (broke up with me without telling me - just up and disappeared, not from an insignificant relationship either). I understand why either way can be hard, but I just wish I could find someone who could do both.