stopdropandroll Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I've been reading a lot of the threads on here and there seems to be a general assumption that when a husband leaves his wife it's usually because there's another woman. I just want to point out that's not always the case. After 4.5 years of marriage I left my wife. There wasn't anybody else. I simply left her because I couldn't handle the mental abuse any longer. It didn't matter what I did or how hard I tried I could never meet her needs or make her happy. It was like pouring water into a bucket with a huge hole in the bottom. A black hole sucking the life out of me. The gaslighting, projecting, double standards, name calling, etc finally got to me. I'd already checked out of the marriage and was basically on cruise control. We'd seen many marriage counsellors and mentors trying to resolve our issues. The entire time I was the problem. Counselling was an effort to get me to change. I know without a doubt I have many faults and I put a lot of effort into changing my bad behaviors. She had me convinced I was a real piece of trash. On her insistance I went to see an IC to fix my problems. After telling my story in IC the counsellor pointed out to me I was being abused. What a revelation. I couldn't see the forest for the trees even though I knew something was wrong. I'd been fantasizing about being dead. Not necessarily killing myself but how comforting it would be to be dead. If I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with my wife anymore. I knew at that point I had to leave. 2 years on I'm still trying to sift through the bs and reclaim my identity. In that time I haven't been with another woman. I have stayed true to my marriage vows. I have been tempted to hook up with other women. I crave the companionship of a woman. I miss the closeness and intimacy of a relationship. For me it isn't right until the divorce is final. So for those of you that wonder if men always leave for another woman I thought I'd share part of my story. Cheers!
Severely Unamused Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Other way round. When a wife leaves her husband it's because there is another man. Or that's how things go around here.
Josephina Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Stopdropandroll - yes, there does seem to be the blatant accusations that if a person left, then there "has" to be another lover in the picture. The previous post is just another example of that. I'm leaving my marriage, and it isn't for anyone else. I can relate to a lot of your post. For me, in the end, it is easier to be lonely because I'm alone, than to have to deal with why my husband doesn't love me. Good luck in moving on, and growing stronger outside of the abuse.
findingnemo Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Hmmm...I thought SA was saying that that assumption is also made whenever a woman wants out of her M. SDR, never mind the assumptions made by people here or anywhere else. The truth is that every M and R has it's own unique dynamics and therefore there'll be different reasons that separation and/or D occur.
Severely Unamused Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) The previous post is just another example of that. You're not a fan of deadpan, huh? The divorce board probably isn't the best place for deadpan. SDR, never mind the assumptions made by people here or anywhere else. The truth is that every M and R has it's own unique dynamics and therefore there'll be different reasons that separation and/or D occur. Well said. I find your observation to be interesting OP. From what I have read, most of the newer posts that have appeared on this particular board appear to have been typed up by men (no doubt that there is some observer bias going on). And if any of these men say "my wife loves me but she is not in love with me", somebody is quick to pipe in with "she's having an affair". More often than not, these presumptions are correct. Depressing. Oh btw, I'm nearing the end of my divorce. And there isn't another man lined up for me. Edited December 3, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Josephina Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Oh, deadpan. Yes, that flew totally over my head. Sorry.
just_some_guy Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 Yeah, I left because I couldn't bear to watch the self-destruction, the slow suicide by eating herself to death and the rest of the craziness anymore.
PegNosePete Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I've been reading a lot of the threads on here and there seems to be a general assumption that when a husband leaves his wife it's usually because there's another woman. I have to totally disagree with this statement. As far as I have seen each case/thread is judged on the facts presented by the poster. If a woman comes on and says her husband is spending a lot of time with "work mates", comes home smelling of perfume, hides/passwords his phone, goes straight to bed and is not interested in sex then you have to think that 1+1=2. If there are threads where an affair is assumed based on little/no evidence then usually someone is fairly quick to point out that there's no basis for the assumption of infidelity. Can you provide some links to back up your claim?
carhill Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 OP, welcome to LS and thanks for sharing your story Would you say, historically, that you spend time alone between relationships or do you tend to immediately move on to the next one? I think this 'leave because of another woman/man' has a lot to do with a person's relationship 'style'. If one rarely or never is alone or has been alone, then they, even if not actively being 'out there' with a relationship, psychologically are lining someone else up once they have disconnected emotionally from their current partner, even if the R/M continues for some time prior to the public disconnection. If their style is 'alone' between relationships, then they aren't 'searching' once disconnection has begun and no private or public 'replacement' takes place. Anecdotally, in my 52, I've yet to experience a woman, that meaning former lover/wife, friend, or family member, save for my mother after my father died, who ended a relationship and remained alone for any significant period of time, with one year being my arbitrary boundary for 'significant'. Most either had replacements lined up or immediately entered a new exclusive relationship, with the rest 'dating' once they, in their own mind, had ended the last relationship. I do know a couple LS'ers IRL who apparently haven't lined someone else up prior to ending their M's, so add those data points for balance. Your story is another such data point. My own data points are I'm still very much single and not actively dating over a year after our D was final and my exW has had a live-in BF for nearly two years now. Her best friend, one whom I wrote about in my journals, recently split with her H and is dating the widower down the street and they hadn't yet filed for divorce the last time I saw her. I don't know her H's situation. IMO, you're on the healthy path, recovering your emotional and spiritual center to become a healthy partner for a compatible lady down the road. I think that process is best accomplished alone. I wish you success in your journey.
Author stopdropandroll Posted December 7, 2011 Author Posted December 7, 2011 PNP: I agree it's on a situational basis however it seems like someone always chimes up and says they probably left because of another person. carhill: I always have a breather in between relationships. Although I like the compansionship of a woman I don't need it and right now I'm quite content being single. There are times when my mind starts wandering and I entertain the idea of a relationship but I always end up back with my wife somehow (in my head). That tells me I'm not mentally ready to get involved with someone else. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, get my head on straight, and then will consider another relationship. I believe in the marriage vows I made and will stay single until at least the divorce is final. More than likely I'll need some time to process everything that's happened with the divorce process itself before I'm ready to move on. It always felt like I was my wife's safety blanket. I get that in marriage that's normal for your spouse to feel safe with you but on a few occasions she flat out told me the only reason she was with me was because she couldn't afford to leave. She later recanted that statement but her behavior didn't really follow suit. She spent most of our marriage being unemployed (by her choice) and would sit at home on her computer chatting with people on FB, etc. She'd close the laptop lid when I'd enter the room and say she was just talking girl talk when I asked why she'd done that. Caught her once talking on the phone with a guy for 2 hours at 3am (I saw the phone bill and asked her about the late night call). She'd stay out until between 3 - 5am on her scrapbooking nights when the scrapbooking ended at midnight. Her excuse was always that her friend took a long time to take her supplies order. Based on that behavior someone could assume she was cheating on me and for all I know she could have been. At the time I chose to believe she was an honest women with integrity and the "descrepancies" were harmless. Fast forward to the reconciliation period during our separation and I caught her with another guy staying over at our house. I had suspected something was going on and had confronted her about it but she insisted nothing was happening and she loved me and wanted us to work out. I don't have proof there were other guys but some of her behavior prior to that matched her behavior when she was with the OM. She is the type that doesn't stay single for very long. I don't have the mental capacity to fully understand her or her choices but what I do know is I can't be married to a woman like her. I can't trust what she says to be true. Everything seemed like a complete mind game and I honestly don't think I ever knew who my wife was. OP, welcome to LS and thanks for sharing your story Would you say, historically, that you spend time alone between relationships or do you tend to immediately move on to the next one? I think this 'leave because of another woman/man' has a lot to do with a person's relationship 'style'. If one rarely or never is alone or has been alone, then they, even if not actively being 'out there' with a relationship, psychologically are lining someone else up once they have disconnected emotionally from their current partner, even if the R/M continues for some time prior to the public disconnection. If their style is 'alone' between relationships, then they aren't 'searching' once disconnection has begun and no private or public 'replacement' takes place. Anecdotally, in my 52, I've yet to experience a woman, that meaning former lover/wife, friend, or family member, save for my mother after my father died, who ended a relationship and remained alone for any significant period of time, with one year being my arbitrary boundary for 'significant'. Most either had replacements lined up or immediately entered a new exclusive relationship, with the rest 'dating' once they, in their own mind, had ended the last relationship. I do know a couple LS'ers IRL who apparently haven't lined someone else up prior to ending their M's, so add those data points for balance. Your story is another such data point. My own data points are I'm still very much single and not actively dating over a year after our D was final and my exW has had a live-in BF for nearly two years now. Her best friend, one whom I wrote about in my journals, recently split with her H and is dating the widower down the street and they hadn't yet filed for divorce the last time I saw her. I don't know her H's situation. IMO, you're on the healthy path, recovering your emotional and spiritual center to become a healthy partner for a compatible lady down the road. I think that process is best accomplished alone. I wish you success in your journey.
PegNosePete Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 PNP: I agree it's on a situational basis however it seems like someone always chimes up and says they probably left because of another person. Can you link to some example threads where someone unreasonably jumped to this conclusion? When someone says there is probably another person involved - there probably is. In fact in all my time on these forums I've seen very few threads where 3rd party involvement has been wrongly suggested.
reboot Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 No one "always" does anything. There are "always" exceptions.
Owl Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 I wouild say that in a high percentage of the times when someone posted that they felt another person may be involved in the situation, they're right. There are lots of flags and indicators...and it's entirely common for this to happen. Always right...of course not. Generally accurate...you betcha.
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