Soccermama Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I've been in a relationship with a MM for the past two years. We have a child together. Two months ago he disclosed the affair and child to his wife. He says he told her because he loves his child. She has insisted on NC with the both of us. He gave me the "phone call" which sounded like scripted bs, informing me the A was over and there would be NC. Since that phone call he still is in contact with me. I am so heartbroken. I sit around and wait for him to contact me. What am I to do?
wanttoplay Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I've been in a relationship with a MM for the past two years. We have a child together. Two months ago he disclosed the affair and child to his wife. He says he told her because he loves his child. She has insisted on NC with the both of us. He gave me the "phone call" which sounded like scripted bs, informing me the A was over and there would be NC. Since that phone call he still is in contact with me. I am so heartbroken. I sit around and wait for him to contact me. What am I to do? Affair or not, MM should have contact with the child you have together. That kinda sucks that you got pregnant by MM, not to sound mean but maybe you should have been more careful or waited for him to divorce his wife before having a baby with him. I can understand you being heartbroken, that just sucks.....but.....if he isn't going to leave his wife then you'll have to accept that and just concentrate on making sure your child has a father. You're going to need financial support raising the child. He'll have to pay child support if he's the father. He won't have a choice. Does he see your child now?? I don't know what else I could say to make you feel better, but hang in there !
Fabian Montenegro Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I suggest that you talk to a lawyer about this.
Emme Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 What you do is you get yourself together. You are going to need all of your strength because you have a child to care for on your own, in a sense. The first thing you should do is protect your child by making sure that all necessities are taken care of. Child support is a must with a DNA test. I am not sure your reason behind having a child with him. Meaning is it a child he wanted or was this a ploy to get him to leave his wife. Either way, he has used you and you can no longer be used. If you continue as your child grows that is all they will see. I know you might not think of it that way but children are perceptive. You must gain some respect for yourself because this man will use you until he has broken you. You might feel like you have a few cracks now but that’s all you have… get the glue and get busy. You are not broken. End all contact. You need to stay away from him unless there is an illness related to the child for a while at least. People’s emotions run high but I always say that when a child is involved all adults need to start acting like adults. Your job right now is to figure out a way for there to be a connection with the child seeing him without you as a factor. Stay away from him. Find a family member that can be a buffer zone for him to have visitation without you around. I don’t know the state of the wife also but if she is present supervision. He gets none of you. You are done with him, why... he laid down made a child with you and he still doesn’t want to be with you or his new born. You have a piece of him and that’s a blessing from god. That is the last piece of him you will get. Don’t allow him use you for years as a place to get his fill when he doesn’t want his wife. You’re better than that. You don’t have time to worry about d*ck anymore. You have a child that needs nurturing. Don’t waste your energy on him. If he is not ready to step up and be the man that you want him to be, you are finished with him. Good luck to you. :bunny:HUGS:bunny: Keep your chin up.
Tangerine Lipgloss Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 What a nightmare. Listen to Emme she is right on. Good luck.
Author Soccermama Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Emme Thank you. Everything you posted truly touched my heart and spoke directly to me. I know what needs to be done but it is oh so hard to cut ties. Although he told me no contact, I hear from him almost daily and it makes me so happy. How do I move forward if everytime I see him I'm falling back into obsession.
Spark1111 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 But, you and your child have legal rights. Please see a lawyer and find out how to enforce them. Your life may be filled with him and his wife because of visitation, shared custody, etc. But your child is entitled to support and a relationship with the father. Get going now. I would hate for him to use your romantic relationship to keep you from your rights and your child's legal entitlements. I would hate for his BS to be encouraging him on this path too. I can think of few things more painful that having to have your WS's mistress and their child in your life forever. BUT it is the right thing to do. This is an innocent child and that man is the father. He has to step up to the plate. If his wife wants to remain married to him, she too has to take the high road on this issue also. Do it now!
Author Soccermama Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Establishing paternity and support are not issues for my situation. There is no need for me to seek legal advice regarding that matter. To clarify things, I have never wanted to be his wife and have never wanted him to leave his wife. I would have been very content being his mistress. Judge if you like, being in this situation I obviously don't have morals or the desire to always do what's right. As much as people say no contact, I find it impossible as I care for him so much an I am so happy to continue any type of relationship with him. I really feel that his wife saying NC is causing him to continue sneaking around.
PhoenixRise Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Establishing paternity and support are not issues for my situation. There is no need for me to seek legal advice regarding that matter. To clarify things, I have never wanted to be his wife and have never wanted him to leave his wife. I would have been very content being his mistress. Judge if you like, being in this situation I obviously don't have morals or the desire to always do what's right. As much as people say no contact, I find it impossible as I care for him so much an I am so happy to continue any type of relationship with him. I really feel that his wife saying NC is causing him to continue sneaking around. Soccermama As long as you are willing to accept you and your child being a secret in exchange for having "any type of relationship with him" that is all you, and more importantly, your child will ever get. Do you think your child will believe that his/her being a secret in his/her father's world is a fair trade for you having "any type of relationship with him"? NOTHING his wife is saying is causing him to continue sneaking around. He is continuing to sneak around because it is just easier for him to do so. He could tell his wife that he intends to be a father to his child and that part of working out his marriage in the wake of their dday is figuring out what place the child will have in their lives. But he has chosen not to do that. Instead he is continuing to lie, sneak, and cheat. And in doing so, he is cheating his child out of a legitimate place in his life. And you, by allowing him to pretend NC are inviting huge drama into your life and your child's life because eventually his wife will find out and she is going to bring massive drama to your door. Do you want your child to be openly a part of his father's life or does that not matter to you as long as you can have "any type of relationship with him"?
Emme Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Emme Thank you. Everything you posted truly touched my heart and spoke directly to me. I know what needs to be done but it is oh so hard to cut ties. Although he told me no contact, I hear from him almost daily and it makes me so happy. How do I move forward if everytime I see him I'm falling back into obsession. I don’t know what I can tell you to stop you in your tracks. All I can tell you is with the happiness of his voice he is also killing you inside as well. Picture your child growing and wondering, where is daddy. Wondering why he has not chosen to be with the both of you, are the both of you not valued or loved. Picture you getting a smidge of happiness when you could be finding a man that could give you all the love you deserve and a possible permanent man as a father figure for your child. You have already lost out on loving him if he’s chosen not to be with you. You are and adult and you have an understanding of the situation. Picture your child’s mind fighting to understand. If you’re struggling, how do you think your child will adapt to this situation. You are not only doing this for yourself anymore you have a child that will be scarred. This is not about you. Your feelings and emotions are out the window. When you have a child your life ends and your child’s life begins. Do right by your child, not no man!
Spark1111 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Establishing paternity and support are not issues for my situation. There is no need for me to seek legal advice regarding that matter. To clarify things, I have never wanted to be his wife and have never wanted him to leave his wife. I would have been very content being his mistress. Judge if you like, being in this situation I obviously don't have morals or the desire to always do what's right. As much as people say no contact, I find it impossible as I care for him so much an I am so happy to continue any type of relationship with him. I really feel that his wife saying NC is causing him to continue sneaking around. Okay. Have whatever relationship you wish with this man. But your child has legal rights to financial support, shared custody with this man. You must ensure this for your child, even if it means getting a lawyer and going to court to do so. That a separate issue from your romantic feelings. Being a good mother means doing what is right for your child. What is right is having a court acknowledge his paternity and issuing a decree that he must pay x amount of dollars every month. Are YOU afraid that by doing this, he will not love YOU as much?
Author Soccermama Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Okay. Have whatever relationship you wish with this man. But your child has legal rights to financial support, shared custody with this man. You must ensure this for your child, even if it means getting a lawyer and going to court to do so. That a separate issue from your romantic feelings. Being a good mother means doing what is right for your child. What is right is having a court acknowledge his paternity and issuing a decree that he must pay x amount of dollars every month. Are YOU afraid that by doing this, he will not love YOU as much? He is financially supporting his child and I am agreeable to joint custody. If further action is needed at a later date I will purse it.
despicableME Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I would have been very content being his mistress. Judge if you like, being in this situation I obviously don't have morals or the desire to always do what's right. As much as people say no contact, I find it impossible as I care for him so much an I am so happy to continue any type of relationship with him. It seems you have some self-esteem issues and don't value yourself enough as a person, if this is how you see a true relationship. I'll be honest, you're getting table scraps from him, and its enough for you. Have you sought counseling for these deep-seated issues. Like I said, there's something more to this that keeps you from detaching.
MissBee Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) Establishing paternity and support are not issues for my situation. There is no need for me to seek legal advice regarding that matter. To clarify things, I have never wanted to be his wife and have never wanted him to leave his wife. I would have been very content being his mistress. Judge if you like, being in this situation I obviously don't have morals or the desire to always do what's right. As much as people say no contact, I find it impossible as I care for him so much an I am so happy to continue any type of relationship with him. I really feel that his wife saying NC is causing him to continue sneaking around. What would you like help with? To the bolded: wasn't he always sneaking around anyway so how is it different now? I hear you...but I don't believe you soccer. Most people truly aren't happy with situations like this. I would also wager that the minute number of those who REALLY are...probably have no conflict and no need for advice on a forum if they are content. You're not. You've settled for this situation it seems....and you admit you sit around and wait for him to call and have an obsession. You're not alone in feeling like this...however, do realize this is not a normal, healthy thing and it is possible to get to a better place in which waiting around for him is not your life. I don't believe you're going to go NC with him...as you yourself don't seem to be honest about what you truly want out of this situation for you and your child. NC is hard for everyone...but it's a bit easier for those who've admitted the truth and have finally decided to move on. Those still in the throes of the A or who are still "obsessed" will have an even more difficult time. The point is...you're not living for you alone, and henceforth you will be an example to your child...what you say to your child is one thing but what they absorb from your interactions and your life is even more. I do hope that for your child's sake you can get pass this...forge a healthy relationship and show your child that their mom is not someone who is a married man's mistress who waits around for him to call. It's bad enough for the child that he/she was born into such a situation...but I think if you work on yourself and extricate yourself from being romantically involved, the child will fare better than to grow up realizing their dad is married to someone else and their mom is still waiting around for him... I would suggest you checking out a site called Baggage Reclaim...it has many articles and stories from real women in such situations and sheds light on what is going on and more importantly how one can aspire to better. It's not about judging or saying you have no morals...it's about realizing many of us have been hurt, have had poor examples of relationships and thus find ourselves in less than stellar situations and self-defeating patterns and relationships, that sometimes we convince ourselves are great (when other actions belie our true feelings)...and gives tools on how to really work one's self out of such ruts. I wish you lots of luck and happiness Soccermama! Edited December 5, 2011 by MissBee
LilMissMovinOn Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 I've been in a relationship with a MM for the past two years. We have a child together. Two months ago he disclosed the affair and child to his wife. He says he told her because he loves his child. She has insisted on NC with the both of us. He gave me the "phone call" which sounded like scripted bs, informing me the A was over and there would be NC. Since that phone call he still is in contact with me. I am so heartbroken. I sit around and wait for him to contact me. What am I to do? Take him to court for child support & when yr heart has mended, find a REAL man!!!
2sunny Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 You are participating in the sneaking around. IF you didn't answer to his contact with you - then he would get the idea that his word is believable. Call his W every time he contacts you. Never settle! He's not offering you much - just bumping you back into your familiar role of expecting so little from him while he hurts both women. He's proven his alliance is to his wife - believe him.
NoIDidn't Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Soccer I have a scenario for you. You know the limitations of your R with the MM, your child does not. So, imagine you and your child (a few years older) run into MM and his W and family at a local grocery store. He's been lying to his W for years about the NC (right or not, not addressing that) and so his W has no idea that the child running up to him and yelling "daddy" is his. Imagine the reaction he might have of trying to deal with his W before greeting his child. Or, imagine telling your child that he is a secret to a man who has a public family somewhere else that s/he can't be a part of. If you are willing to have any kind of relationship with him and are willing to use your child to get it, you will face one of these scenarios one day. But if you are willing to consider the feelings of your child, you will do what you need to do to avoid your child ever having to feel like they've been rejected by their own father and that their mother was complicit in the whole thing.
robf1971 Posted December 7, 2011 Posted December 7, 2011 Take him to court for child support & when yr heart has mended, find a REAL man!!! Yeah, and don't F around with married men.
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