BoredAgain Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Reading up on many of the issues here, it seems like my (ex)girlfriend has a case of Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS). All the classic signs of GIGS, from what I understand. (See http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ for more on GIGS.) And though I'm actually doing quite well moving forward with my life, I'm curious... what is the experience of GIGS like? I'm sure at least some of you have gone this, and since I don't want to call my ex to ask her, I'm curious to hear any stories you are willing to share. Thanks!
wilsonx Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Bored, you have a solid head on your shoulders from what you did to how you are moving on. I want you to do something, I have yet to post a thread on how to be a better person and avoid these type of relationships, Im still writing it out and there's one key thing that I have picked up on in EVERY single post that has to do with a GIGS type breakup. I want you to reflect on a couple problems in your relationship and how did you handle them, honestly. How was your communication? Do you know what boundaries are and did you have any set for yourself. Lets focus on this aspect of GIGS first. As for the other end, I will explain that later.
Author BoredAgain Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Oh, this is easy - I've been reflecting on that question quite a bit. Honestly, there were no huge problems ever. Over the course of 4.5 years, I can only actually recall three fights (none lasting more than a day). If you pushed me, I guess we both wanted to work more on our sex-life and also making more "couple friends" (all our college/high school friends are single) but we both figured we'd have better luck with that once we were living together and in a new state. But, generally, it was a very happy relationship. Communication was never a huge problem, though there were issues. I like having productive (not angry or mean-spirited) arguments whereas she could be awfully passive-aggressive at times. Also, during the break-up process she complained that she did much of the "talking" in our relationship, and I confessed that I just didn't talk a lot about stuff I was interested in because she always seemed bored when I did. ...I mean, this is really me stretching to find issues in a 4.5 year relationship.
wilsonx Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Communication was never a huge problem, though there were issues. I like having productive (not angry or mean-spirited) arguments whereas she could be awfully passive-aggressive at times. Also, during the break-up process she complained that she did much of the "talking" in our relationship, and I confessed that I just didn't talk a lot about stuff I was interested in because she always seemed bored when I did. Reflect on this some more in this thread with examples... this is exactly what I was looking for
Author BoredAgain Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Reflect on this some more in this thread with examples... this is exactly what I was looking for Well, there were a lot of basic things she was passive-aggressive about. For example the classic "what do you want to eat for dinner?" conversation. I'm not picky, so I'll eat almost anything or anywhere, but she certainly is picky and usually had something specific in mind... only she was always reluctant to just say it. This often resulted in me having to list things to eat, "What about x or y? No? What about Z? No? W?" until finally I stumbled on the correct food or restaurant. Very frustrating. A more significant example was recently at the end of our relationship. Everything had been normal, but I knew something was wrong the day or so before the initial break-up because she was very quiet/somber when we'd talk. As for the other thing about her doing all the talking... well, that's not entirely true anyway. Basically, she would tell me every single detail of her day for 30 minutes, and I just would talk about my day for a few minutes (because it seemed mostly boring to me). When she said that, I think she was just grasping for straws to explain the break-up.
wilsonx Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 When I post these responses, I do not want you to think I am attacking you or I do not want you to feel guilt from any of this, I just want you to reflect, take it with a grain of salt and learn from this. Did you ever just grab her and just take her out without having to make her choose or asking her? How did she feel about that? Also when you said you talked about something and she just seemed bored when you talked about your interests, how did that make you feel? What did you do about it?
Author BoredAgain Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 When I post these responses, I do not want you to think I am attacking you or I do not want you to feel guilt from any of this, I just want you to reflect, take it with a grain of salt and learn from this. Did you ever just grab her and just take her out without having to make her choose or asking her? How did she feel about that? Also when you said you talked about something and she just seemed bored when you talked about your interests, how did that make you feel? What did you do about it? No offense taken, I'm just curious to know what the point of all this is. But to answer your questions... Well, I don't want to make it sound like a bigger deal than it actually was. After awhile I knew what kinds of food she liked and where we hadn't eaten in awhile, so it wasn't so much of an issue. I did force her to try a lot of new foods - she was usually pretty stubborn about this - which she ended up enjoying. But if I ever just took her to a place or cooked something she didn't like, she generally just wouldn't eat very much. When she would act bored about stuff I was interested in... I guess I felt annoyed at that. She would tell me long stories about her classmates who I don't know, and I at least made an attempt to be interested. So, yeah, I was annoyed that she didn't make the same attempt. So I mostly just stopped talking about that stuff with her.
wilsonx Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) When she would act bored about stuff I was interested in... I guess I felt annoyed at that. She would tell me long stories about her classmates who I don't know, and I at least made an attempt to be interested. So, yeah, I was annoyed that she didn't make the same attempt. So I mostly just stopped talking about that stuff with her. I wanted you to explain how you felt in certain situations because you did not see how this is not ok behavior for a relationship. You felt annoyed in the relationship because she was not showing interest in what you were saying and you were paying attention to what she was talking about even though you didn't really care. So this is where boundary setting comes into play in relationships. Instead of addressing your concern about this problem, you just ignored it and it annoyed you. When this constantly happens over and over and over you build up resentment towards her. Just like you built up resentment about her eating. Now this is where you learn and grow from. You compromised your values for her. When I mention personal boundaries this is what I mean. If somebody does something that annoys you, tell them, because they probably don't realize it and if they don't realize it, its not their fault. Say "Honey, I enjoy listen to you talk about how your day went. When I talk about my day with you, you seem not to show interest in it and it MAKES ME FEEL.... annoyed(insert word here)" When you set personal boundaries in a relationship, you are saying this is who I am and this is how I feel. Women will stay with guys with strong personal boundaries. Strong personal boundaries = confidence. They will try to break them or test them and if you can keep them in place, thats what builds attraction and keeps attraction. Look what happened in your relationship. This is every single GIGS relationship that I have ever read or encountered in real life. Instead of standing up for your feelings and how you feel, you let her take control of the stick and ride wherever she wants. She eventually lost attraction for you. It happens and you learn from this I am just as guilty for doing this as you are so dont feel guilty about this. So is every other GIGS Dumpee on the board. We got hosed but its our fault. If we had strong personal boundaries and this behavior continued, we would have left the situation and moved on. I do admire the way you walked away from your relationship though, very cleanly Edited December 3, 2011 by wilsonx
Author BoredAgain Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Yes, you're absolutely right. These things are important to deal with, and I did resent her for the passive-aggressive behavior. Thinking back, there aren't a lot of examples, but anytime something was bothering her I basically had to drag it out of her. I just recalled a time when we were going out to lunch and I invited somebody else along. She wanted it to be just us, but I didn't realize that. She basically just became quiet and sullen - her way of letting me know something was wrong without having to say anything. It was such an easy issue to fix once it was out in the open, but actually getting her to say what was wrong was a frustrating process. In future relationships, I probably shouldn't let these issues go. ... In other news, it's only been 3 days of NC, but I'm in a good place right now. Although I think about her a lot, I'm trying to focus on the things I want to do. I've had some small regret not 'playing the field' more, so maybe I should get out there to help prevent a future case of GIGS in myself.
lolita jade Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 My ex has I think done gigs, we were seperated but used to go out together and still had strong feelings. During the relationship, I used to have an issue with him not comunicating in the relationship. He used to watch TV all the time and not talk to me, even when the adverts were on. i like communicating and going out. He wasnt so keen to go out in the end either. This sounds similar, but it was him that did the gigs.
Berlington Bob Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Wilson, I think you're on to something here. Pretty much our whole relationship was her trying to get me to propose to her and me saying woa, slow down there. Let's wait till we have a stable income and until I can trust you. Then after 5 years, I proposed even though we weren't financially secure and I sure as hell didn't trust her. Then, even though I had proposed, I kept putting off the wedding. I cited school as the reason but we both knew it was because I wasn't ready. Then about a month before the B/U I just kind of accepted that we were getting married and dropped the single toughest personal boundry that she had to get past. I don't think it was the lack of respect that made her meet someone else, I think she finds excitement and attraction in the hunt of getting a guy to commit to her. Granted I know she lost respect for me durring the last month of our relationship. I also wanted to comment on the O/P's description of his ex... It was a spitting image of mine. She was super picky about food. She would whine and throw temper tantrums about being soooo hungry but EVERY place or dish I would suggest she would reject. Then get more pissed that we weren't going out but were still arguing about it. I wonder if this is some sort of character trait of people with GIGS. Or maybe BPD or OCD as my ex had. It would be interesting to see how many ex's had this "I'm so hungry I will turn into the incredible hulk if you don't feed me but I don't want to eat anything" disorder, or ISHIWTITIHIYDFMBIDWTEAD for short....
Berlington Bob Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 This space intentionally left blank....(after I posted the above post twice by mistake)
lilyblue Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I also wanted to comment on the O/P's description of his ex... It was a spitting image of mine. She was super picky about food. She would whine and throw temper tantrums about being soooo hungry but EVERY place or dish I would suggest she would reject. Then get more pissed that we weren't going out but were still arguing about it. I wonder if this is some sort of character trait of people with GIGS. Or maybe BPD or OCD as my ex had. It would be interesting to see how many ex's had this "I'm so hungry I will turn into the incredible hulk if you don't feed me but I don't want to eat anything" disorder, or ISHIWTITIHIYDFMBIDWTEAD for short.... I know this is off the original topic, sorry, but reading this all I could think is how do men like women like this?? Who throws a tantrum over food besides a 5 year old? How do these people find relationships and I'm always left with nothing.
EgoJoe Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Try avoiding the "makes me feel" or "makes you feel" phrase...and look into what speaking/thinking like that actually does to your mindset.
smokey bear Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I would explain GiGs as growing up. experiencing a different lifestyle and figuring out what you want for the future.
Berlington Bob Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I know this is off the original topic, sorry, but reading this all I could think is how do men like women like this?? Who throws a tantrum over food besides a 5 year old? How do these people find relationships and I'm always left with nothing. Well in my case she wasn't like that until about 2 or 3 years into the relationship. This is where the Bipolar Disorder comes in. She was in a manic phase for the first few years then went through her depressed phase. And you're right it certainly wasn't attractive. Had she been like that from the start I would have gone running. As it happened after I had moved in with her I was willing to think it was just a phase... which it was, litterally. But I still wasn't willing to put up with it.
lilyblue Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Thanks for your response, that does make sense. Sorry you had to go through this, sounds like a difficult situation to deal with.
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