lolita jade Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Although i am at the point where i have accepted moving on, the things that play on my mind are the things i cant explain. ie: why did my husband choose a woman with 3 kids when he doesn't like kids, over trying again with me, as we have been married 25 years. etc, etc. So many things i can't answer. Then i thought, if i step out of situation what do i see? It does help to do this. I can understand more.
lilyblue Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 What do you understand? Curious. I think the only thing I get from stepping outside my situation is that, though all signs pointed the other way, the pull of the ex was just too strong. That doesn't seem to help me though.
Author lolita jade Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 On the point that i raised, he had someone who showed him affection, had sex and felt like we hadn't for a while. then there is the gigs and him not seeing the kids as an issue yet as it is honeymoon period. If you ex has gone back to ex, then admittedly its not good and probably you are right with your thinking.
sardeen Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Unless you were actually told by him, you will never know. My brother gave me good advice when he told me to stop trying to figure out why my ex left me in such an abrupt manner. I have come up with many scenarios and possibilities, but it does not help. There is no way of you knowing for sure until you are told the honest truth. Even if you are trying to be impartial, there is no doubt that you will still have a biased conclusion. It feels better when you stop putting yourself down and trying to realize what you could do better and start improving your own life and looking forward.
Author lolita jade Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 You right I should probably forget the whole trying to figure out stuff. Its just because we were together for so long. I think probably the way to go is to treat all relationship endings as a complete mystery and accept it as that.
Berlington Bob Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I stepped outside my situation and realized that she had many more mental health issues than I had previously allowed myself to see and that I was being naive about them. Thinking they weren't a big deal, that they were a phase and that I could live with them. The fact is, I was unhappy. Sure, I enjoyed being with her. I enjoyed her company and I miss her a lot, but I was not comfortable at all in the idea of marrying her. Even though I had proposed and we were set to get hitched. I think that's why I am having an easier time accepting this. So, to answer the thread's question: Yes, I was able to understand that it wasn't her or me that made the relationship fail. Hell, it wasn't even GIGS that made it fail although it played a part... It was her Bipolar Disorder and her OCD that in the end caused it. Lolita, about what you said about not knowing unless he told you, I don't think even ex's know why they do what they do in situations like ours. When we are left for someone else or they "magically" meet someone else a week or two after the breakup, I think it's mainly because they are confused and ultimately are really bad at making rational decisions. If they weren't they would have broken up with us first if they were really that unhappy instead of running into the arms of someone else. Your situation is tough because of the 25 years of marriage, but I know we are better off without them.
Author lolita jade Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Hi Bob, I know what bipolar people are like, intense........... Its when they drag you down, withdraw and hide. It is an impossible situation. At least you can find normality again. Yes, I am sure a bed choice was taken by my ex due to stubborness, gigs and forgive me to say this but thinking with his c**k. He did tell me though when he first told me that she was very nice, he didn't want to hurt her and to him sex was sex so it wasnt that?? She was the whole package, He had known her 2 months then. He just wanted to be happy. I have read that with gigs, people tell you and everyone how happy they are. He told me loads that he was really happy and told my father. That is why alarm bells ring, because they dont think of what they feel for the other person. They think about how it makes them feel.
Berlington Bob Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 So very true. It's interesting you mention the phrase "whole package". That's how my ex described me when we first started dating. She was in a relatinoship with a guy she described as ugly but willing to commit. I didn't know this until about 3 months into the relationship but she left the guy to be with me. This was for me a HUGE red flag and I even told her that I didn't trust her because she left that guy for me but she assured me it would never happen to me. Too bad I ignored it. I think that maybe that phrase might be one of the classic signs of GIGS just like the "im not attracted to you anymore" and "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" phrases are.
Author lolita jade Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Bob, When our marriage first started to get into a rut I did tell my husband I only loved him as a brother but soon realised I did love hime more, we seperated but I kept trying. We went out, coffees etc and he would help me. When he found new woman he said he only loves me as a sister and we tried at different times. And that it was too late. He was very confused over me or her but chose her. He says he is trying to make a new life for himself and never contacts me apart from the odd times I contact him. He is busy I know but always says he is too busy to contact me. I dont know if he will be truly happy with her or he is trying to prove something?? He is spending Christmas with her and her children so that doesn't bode well. I guess he is happy?? Or still is honeymoon period. I have accepted to move on but dont accept he wants to blank me after 25 years. That is what I miss now not the relationship, his friendship. Interesting your ex came out with some rebound phrases lol. also, I think people say something nasty about their ex's just to put you at ease when you first date, or to try to convince themselves?? Trouble is are they rebound phrases or are they real???
BardoPond Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I would like to say now that I suffer from bi polar. It had a real effect on me to be sure but it seems to me that people really have taken it out of context on this forum. My ex used it as the main reason for the break up (eventually) but I know that reason was rubbish. I could be very depressed, my situation didn't help either but it definately helped make me who I am and while I'm not perfect I'm able to admit that I'm a good person. I needed help and while I didn't expect anyone to help she was the only one that knew and she told me on several occasions that she would support me with it and that she loved me regardless. Bi polar is a chemical imbalance, what you guys are talking about sounds more like a personality disorder. Sorry for butting in but I thought I'd throw my two cents in there. If anyone is interested I did eventually get professional, I'm now on meds and am awaiting therapy. It's a shame that it took her leaving for me to take these steps but I really have just been in a hole for a long time.
Author lolita jade Posted December 4, 2011 Author Posted December 4, 2011 Bardo, Hey, I really do know what bipolar is all about. The person I knew went through long cycles before coming down, but it would always happen. This person is not on meds and is far too stubborn to ever go on meds. It is good that you are helping yourself and I expect you feel a whole lot better for it. I have been reading the long thread on GIGS. It is really helpful. The part about dumpees writing unhealthy threads on here really brought it home to me that I need to make my life great again and stop posting on here. I guess all my focus is about him still and I need to stop it I just wanted answers but it looks like I will never get answers......
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