Carm Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I met my bf on eHarmony 2 months ago and we really do match really well. We are both in our 40's. My bf starting telling me about his best friend from the get-go and things I knew about him.... they've been friends since Kindergarten, he works sporatically, he lost his driver's license years ago and doesn't drive, he doesn't have 2 dimes to rub together. It was strange for me, my bf is not like any of those things, he has a great job, great car, owns a property, we both make a 6 figure income. Two weeks ago, we met this guy and his gf for dinner. While we were looking at the menu my bf tells him that it's on him and of course he starts looking at the steak dinners. Things that happened that night that turned me off from him.....when the server comes to take the order he is the first to order without even looking at the ladies (sorry guys, ladies always order first), his meal and my meal came to the table first and he starts digging in while I wait for the rest of the meals to come to the table. At the end of the evening, my bf holds the door open for me and he scoots out ahead of me. At this point, I think he's just been raised by wolves....anyway we say goodnight and neither him or his gf say thank you for the dinner. I just don't see my bf this way, he is a gentleman, always holds the door for me, makes sure I order first, helps me with my coat and will not allow me to pay for dinner. I know they've been friends since they were about 4 yrs old so I'm sure he makes tons of allowances for him but I don't know if I should say anything? Tonight I'm heading over to my bf's place and he wants to go over their place to hang out. I told him I was really tired and would prefer to lay low and he was totally fine with that. Should I say something, what could I say?
dasein Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I would take a "pick your battles" approach and let this one slide. It's obvious that the friend hasn't had any undue influence on your BF's life or behavior, so just continue to enjoy your good relationship with your BF. I always let women order first too, and that's usually fine. Until you get to the ones who have to pick at the waiter over everything on the menu and make some weird ass special order. Those should go LAST, so that they may get an example of how to eat in a restaurant from the normal non OCD folks. I can't wait for the "ladies order first" BS to go away actually, it doesn't make any sense in 2011. People should order around the table. Letting them go through doors first is always a good idea because you never know what's on the other side of a door and may need to use the woman as a human shield.
Fondue Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I honestly believe you have no grounds to say anything to your boyfriend. And of course, I mean this in the most nicest way possible. You been dating him for 2months, they been buds for ~40years. You either have to accept their friendship or find a new mate. I don't think it is acceptable for you to try and threaten that relationship, if that's what you ultimately want somewhere down the road far from now.
Citizen Erased Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 So essentially, you don't like him because he's poor and not as successful as you and your bf. His manners I'm going to ignore, as really I don't think you'd even notice most of those things if you liked the guy. Obviously your boyfriend kept him around for this long because he likes him. Unless he actually does something like directly insult you, you really have nothing to tell your bf. What would you say "look at how poor he is and he orders his meals before the women do"?
Author Carm Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 So essentially, you don't like him because he's poor and not as successful as you and your bf. His manners I'm going to ignore, as really I don't think you'd even notice most of those things if you liked the guy. No Citizen that is incorrect. This has nothing to do with money or lack of and everything to do with manners. I tend to gravitate to people who have good manners as I raised to have some and feel out of sorts when I'm around someone who does not. My last bf, who cheated on me and broke my heart didn't have money but had incredible manners and it is that trait that draws me in. I agree though with you guys, I really don't have a leg to stand on and so I'll grin and bear it. I can accept their relationship but that doesn't mean I have to buddies with him too.
ShannonMI Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I met my bf on eHarmony 2 months ago and we really do match really well. We are both in our 40's. My bf starting telling me about his best friend from the get-go and things I knew about him.... they've been friends since Kindergarten, he works sporatically, he lost his driver's license years ago and doesn't drive, he doesn't have 2 dimes to rub together. It was strange for me, my bf is not like any of those things, he has a great job, great car, owns a property, we both make a 6 figure income. Two weeks ago, we met this guy and his gf for dinner. While we were looking at the menu my bf tells him that it's on him and of course he starts looking at the steak dinners. Things that happened that night that turned me off from him.....when the server comes to take the order he is the first to order without even looking at the ladies (sorry guys, ladies always order first), his meal and my meal came to the table first and he starts digging in while I wait for the rest of the meals to come to the table. At the end of the evening, my bf holds the door open for me and he scoots out ahead of me. At this point, I think he's just been raised by wolves....anyway we say goodnight and neither him or his gf say thank you for the dinner. I just don't see my bf this way, he is a gentleman, always holds the door for me, makes sure I order first, helps me with my coat and will not allow me to pay for dinner. I know they've been friends since they were about 4 yrs old so I'm sure he makes tons of allowances for him but I don't know if I should say anything? Tonight I'm heading over to my bf's place and he wants to go over their place to hang out. I told him I was really tired and would prefer to lay low and he was totally fine with that. Should I say something, what could I say? Well you aren't dating the best friend so who cares if you don't like him. How often do you have to see him? I would just "hi" and "good bye" him when you DO have to see him. Don't say anything to your man. It's just going to cause an issue.
carhill Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 If this R continues, it might be worthwhile to discover the 'connection' between the two men. Males don't maintain long-term friendships for no reason. The revelations might shed light upon some of the glaring 'discrepancies' you noted. Men have different perceptions regarding behavior and value than women do and value friends for other reasons. IOW, what you noticed and felt negatively about might be inconsequential to your BF. Superficially, my best friend and I could be seen in a similar light and I don't doubt some people wonder about why we're best friends. That doesn't matter to us. We have developed what I only can call a 'hive mind' and his wife has come to see me as her 'second husband' as she laughingly calls me, not to say she isn't often irritated or annoyed by me. It's OK to not be 'buddies' with BF's best friend. Neutrality can be a good thing. Respecting BF's connection with him can be a positive thing. Their relationship is theirs; yours is yours. Hope it works out
ditzchic Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 You've been dating this guy for 2 months. You have no right to tell him that someone who has been in his life for 40 years is a bad person because he doesn't have the same social skills as you. You don't have to love his friend but if you want to last more than 2 months with this guy you're going to have to learn to tolerate him. He doesn't seem like a bad person from what you've said and obviously this behavior has had no effect on your boyfriend's behavior. Just leave it be. If you say something you're going to come off as an uppity b*tch. "Honey, I don't like your friend. He smells like poverty."
DearAbby Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 You've been dating this guy for 2 months. You have no right to tell him that someone who has been in his life for 40 years is a bad person because he doesn't have the same social skills as you. You don't have to love his friend but if you want to last more than 2 months with this guy you're going to have to learn to tolerate him. He doesn't seem like a bad person from what you've said and obviously this behavior has had no effect on your boyfriend's behavior. Just leave it be. If you say something you're going to come off as an uppity b*tch. "Honey, I don't like your friend. He smells like poverty." I agree! Do not say anything. You are being judgmental and rightfully so. I think I would feel the same, but maybe his friend is a good person. Hang out with them a few more times and then see how you feel.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Based on the O.P., I can only knock the guy for not letting the ladies order first. That he ordered (or even "looked at") steak means nothing. That he dug-into his food upon its arrival at the table means nothing (unless of course one of your foursome was going to say grace). That he scooted out the held door before you did could, as far as we here at LS know, have been a function of random and awkward positioning upon approach to said door. Everybody is right - you don't have a right to say or do anything, and you are merely sabotaging your own near future by developing this nearly baseless grudge against the friend. If their friendship has stood the test of 40 years, why not see that friend as you would some endearing physical flaw/uniqueness about your BF, as you might an oddly-placed mole on your BF's back??
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