its now or never Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Hi all, I'm new. Im going to try not to make this post too long as no one likes to read an essay! I am 30. Dont know what relevance that has, but there you go I met my husband 8 years ago and we have 3 children. 7, 4 and 3. We married 2 years ago in October. Last year we found out that his father was a paedophile, and it hit him bad. He would not talk about it and kept his emotions bottled up. we bickered as normal couples do, nothing serious. His dad was charged in May of this year. Hubby still refused to talk about it, and now not show any emotion. In june an old friend (who I had never heard of) came out of prison and my husband started spending a lot of time with him. He turned to drugs. Became a drug dealer and dealt cocaine and went out every night and sometimes did not return at weekends. I begged him to stop, told him I didnt want my children round that. asked him to stay in with me at night. He had got himself in a catch 22 situation, he was getting more in debt, taking more and then having to keep selling to try to get straight. I never allowed him to keep/use or have any drugs at my house or around my children. After he started going out on a friday and then returning on a sat night, I told him I couldnt take any more. I made him choose between me, his family and the drugs. He chose us. BUT really, he didnt. The next weekend, he did it again. I told him, if he did it again, it was over. Sure enough on the 5th november, he didnt come home. I sent him a message and told him it was over. Not to come home. The next day pictures appeared all over facebook of him wearing a bra, another with him in his boxers with his arm around a half naked girl. My friend commented saying they were slags...my husband removed me and all my family off facebook. I became a woman obbsessed.....i stalked this girl and found mutual friends. My hubby has said he has a new girlfriend, but only started seeing her a week after we broke up. I found the girl...she changed her relationship to 'in a relationship' on the 3rd!!! he says she did that because she was being harrassed by lads!!!! how convieneint!!!! So, apparantly he is happy! he is 34....she is 24. she lives with her friend and has a 7 year old kid. My hubby doesnt even bother with his own! why is he with her? He is living with his friend and going out for romantic meals with her. he has said he will not and doesnt want to come back!! I dont want all the 'your better off without him, he is a drug dealer'.....I know all this.. I put up with him and he left me for no reason. His father was charged and sentenced to 19 years on the 18th. Hubby text me and said he was sorry for the way things ended and he was off the drugs....that everything had come to a head and it was the only way to deal with it....I think he has found a young girl, happy to partake the druggy lifestyle. Do you think he will regret it? Do you think he will come back? its heartbreaking for my children, and christmas is jsut round the corner. How can he do this? it will be 4 weeks tomorrow and it is not getting any easier!
Yasuandio Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I know what you don't want to hear. Perhaps I can respond honestly, with a comment closer to what you may wish to hear, for what it's worth. People tend to repeat their pattern of behavior. If he has an established pattern of leaving, and coming back -- he will probably return, as is his habit. However, with drugs involved, there is also the huge likelihood that the deeper he is into the drug addiction, the less we may attribute his return to the predictibility of "human behavior." That is, the more hooked on drugs he is, the more chances there may be that his motivation is just to stop by to shake you down for money. I'm no expert - it's just an observation and intuition.
Author its now or never Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 hi, and thanks for replying. He has never actually left before...more just stayed out getting high and then sleeping it off the next day before returning. Since we have broken up, I know that life has gotten tough for him. he has no money, he has the kids quite often...he picks them up from nursery each night for me and has them on a sat (even overnight this week). The 'friend' who led him down this path has been sent back to prison last week for beating up his girlfriend (nice bunch arent they!) so I dont think he will be doing his drugs without him. I just want him to come home now. I want the old man, before the drugs and the stuff with his dad tainted him. And I also want to kill the little slag who wrecked my marriage. x
betterdeal Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) What a mess and what a horrible time you must be having. Your instinct to protect your children from the maelstrom that your husband's life has become is admirable. He sounds like he's opted for full blown escapism from his life, his family, his mind - anything that defines who he is, where he is in the world. Physically, he will probably be bouncing in and out of your life on and off as long as he can and there's something to come back for, be that money, a place to chill out or to assuage the inevitable guilt he will feel for abandoning his wife and children. It's a sad irony that his father abusing children has led to him neglecting his own, which is another form of abuse. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I'd say it's a lot more likely to take a lot longer to come back to you and the kids in a state fit enough, good enough, for your requirements. And you will do well do think of it like that: is this man good enough for me, for my children? Has he reformed? What significant changes has he made? What's he like under stress now? You'd also do well to get support from people around you. Friends, family, neighbours, counselling services, doctors, local authorities. Your priority has to be looking after yourself and the kids, and all those support networks are there to help you do that. If I were talking to your husband, I'd suggest he seeks counselling, consults his doctor for anti-anxiety, anti-depressive and sleep medication, and let them guide his medication regime. His current self-medication with free market drugs is most likely going to cause more harm to him and his kin than help him deal with and process the complex and difficult feelings he must have right now. Basically, I'd say, "It's okay to ask for help" Maybe this will be useful to him: http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php Edited December 2, 2011 by betterdeal
Author its now or never Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Thanks for your reply also betterdeal. He doesnt really talk to me now, he probably talks to his new girlfriend. He wouldnt talk to anyone though. Its so sad. I just want to help him. I messaged him last week telling him I loved him and missed him and wanted him home. I told him I would support him, but he said no, he wasnt happy and wasnt coming home. I dont understand, I never did anything but love him and put up with his crap for so long.
betterdeal Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Then you must be feeling some relief, if you're honest with yourself, that you're not putting up with it any more. Try not to worry and do reach out to friends, neighbours, family and such like. Times like this you may be surprised who turns out to be a heart of gold.
Author its now or never Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Yes, I do feel relief, but the loss out weighs that. I cant stop myself thinking what he is doing, imagining him with her. I have had no contact this week, I have just messaged him about picking the kids up later, but he isnt texting back. How do I move on, when I dont want to? I just keep thinking he is gonna regret it and come home, even though he says he doesnt want to,....he will in time wont he?
betterdeal Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 No-one knows the future. You just got to make the best of what you have and that's the present time.
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