BeyondtheClouds Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) When in a relationship, you should always approach a so called "friend" of the opposite sex with a healthy dose of skepticism, because as a guy I can tell you for a fact that boundaries eventually become nebulous. I have a lot of girlfriends who call me or text me just to chat, but I can't deny that I've slept with about 90% of those who are in my female circle of friends. A lot of them still test me from time to time with salacious dialogue or veiled sexual overtures.......it doesn't take much to cross that boundary. I don't believe that anyone in a committed relationship has any business fraternizing excessively with a member of the opposite sex, regardless of how innocuous the relationship may seem. This is interesting because at the moment given that I am getting cancer treatments, I am not working and therefore refrain from calling my working friends during the day. At the same time, I am trying to set up some work from home contracts. Through one of the expat clubs in london, I became friendly with a guy from a project. We have stayed in touch by phone and see each other at expat activities. Two years ago, he did suggest going to the movies but I wasn't completely comfortable with that. I was hoping that between the two of us we could be that sympathetic ear to vent to. According to him, he had his own set of problems (which I would want no part of) ie, an alcoholic wife, a teenage son now at university and dwindling contract possibilities. (he has worked in IT freelance). admitting me to me no that he's trying to make £10 per blog. The recession is grim for everyone. HE has asked me not repeat our conversations to people we know in common. I will certainly honor that come what may. But in our last phone conversation, which may be our last phone conversation, I could tell that he was tired of talking and wanted to do something face to face. I didn't even to explore. I was trying to frame in issue to finalise an agreement (since he works on contract himself, I thought he would have had experience with it) which would be a worthwhile project to do from my home computer. HE kept changing the subject so I had to come to terms with the fact that he was tired of our relationship as is. It is difficult for us women to accept this. I had hoped that whenever he needed an ear to vent or to sort out his circumstances out loud that I could be it and vice versa for me. I certainly don't plan to take the place of his wife even though I do believe that he is taking steps to divorce her. I had also told him that I currently have a boyfriend. This situation is just one of those reminders of how different women are from men. To relate back to the other post, I have never slept with this guy and never had any interest in doing so. and while this guy mentioned a few things about his wife, I listened and well, supported him in his desire to make his exit plans, but I never expressed negative opinion about his wife. OF course, as I was not interested in dating him, there's no advantage to doing so. I did sometimes wonder if his wife did wonder who he might be on the phone wife, as he worked from home. But he also told me about a couple of other women he stayed in touch with online. I accepted those topics as his way of keeping his head screwed on in an ugly situation. In any case, I am a bit disappointed that I have one less person to vent with at the same time that I thought I had offered him equally the same advantage from me. Edited December 9, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds
BeyondtheClouds Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 when he first started talking with her, she presented it as a" co-worker who is new to the platoon and needs some help getting adjusted" thing, which became a "friends" things then a "confidantes" things then a " emotional affair thing" then a "physical affair" thing. he didn't notice the change, as it was gradual, and i trusted him to not cheat, so i just thought it was a friendship....found out after it turned into an affair that it had become a lot more... that seems happen with a fair degree of frequency...one doesn't notice the change from friend to affair partner Were you ever aware of them seeing each other face to face outside of work?
NoIDidn't Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 The first willing partner will usually do for someone that has decided to cheat based on their own insecurities and selfishness. I haven't seen any indication on this board, or elsewhere, the partner usually decides to have an A, before meeting someone. It seems far more common they meet someone, think it is innocent initially, then it evolves into an A. How many threads in the infidelity related sections start with "I never thought I would..." (or something to that effect). I'm not saying it doesn't happen the other way. It certainly does, but, as for which is more common - I don't know, but, if I had to guess, I would pick the "We didn't plan an A" method. "We didn't plan and A but we decided we would go ahead and have one once we realized we were both okay with that choice"...is what it could read as, IMO. Besides, I'm sure you haven't read all the posts here and missed the ones where the WS outright said they were planning to cheat on their spouses because of XYZ reasons. But most people give themselves permission to cheat long before they've found a willing partner to cheat with (which is my point about planning to cheat). I can plan to go to the store and never quite make it there and its no different with cheating. A person that cheats has already decided that its something they are willing to do. Opportunities may never arise, but that doesn't mean they didn't plan to do it. Ever notice how the people who don't cheat say that they've made a decision to never put themselves into compromising positions? Same thing with deciding to cheat. A decision was made, just because it wasn't vocalized doesn't mean the decision wasn't made.
Radagast Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 For a person that has never been the cheating type, it is possible that they might meet and fall in love with another person, even though they are married. I think this is the type of person that will leave the marriage and want to marry the OP. This is what I did. I had never considered looking at another woman before I met my wife. Once I did, my ex-wife no longer existed for me. It had everything to do with my wife. I cannot look at another woman now.
Steadfast Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) The 'opposite sex friend' issue is profound. It was huge in my ex wife's affair. She always had a lot of male friends, many were friends of nephews who were all a part of her very large, extended family. In fact, she had more male friends than female; and I found it odd that my nearly all of the issues my wife had with people were with other females. Lots of them just didn't like her. I always assumed it was because of her looks and the attention she received. I was a little uneasy with how happy that attention made her, and my instincts were right. Back then, trusting her seemed the best route; especially considering she'd get very angry if I mentioned it. She'd say I was insecure and that I didn't own her. I hated that, and despite my attempts to make her change, I eventually stopped worrying about it. I didn't realize that I'd married a home wrecker. She was, and is; big time. I hate to be influenced by this, but I approach it differently now. My lady doesn't go overboard on the male friend thing, but once a male co-worker was mentioned in succession, over the period of a few days. I calmly responded by saying maybe it would be best if I moved aside to allow them more time together. Her response was shocked disbelief, but I was serious. I explained my position and told her what I was asking was nothing more than what I was willing to give. It is only fair, IMO. Having male 'best friends' is her choice to make. My choice is to not live with it. We're still together. Edited December 10, 2011 by Steadfast
frozensprouts Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Were you ever aware of them seeing each other face to face outside of work? he was driving her back and forth to work a for a few weeks ( she's injured her foot and his WO had called and asked him to...i was there when he called and was the one who answered the phone) that went on for about two weeks then stopped, but they were chatting a huge amount on facebook every evening. when i finally figured out what was going on, i told him it made me uncomfortable and i asked him to stop. he sad he would, but wanted to take her out for coffee to explain why ( stupid, I know...he was gone for quite a long time). a few days later he got a message from her on facebook that she was having an emergency and needed him to help...of course, he went, was gone for about 6 hours, and when he came back, told me he wanted to separate and was going to move in with a "friend" (her).... when i look back, i really think i was pretty dumb for not seeing what was going on, but i trusted him, he was my husband, after all.
frozensprouts Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Were you ever aware of them seeing each other face to face outside of work? he was driving her back and forth to work a for a few weeks ( she's injured her foot and wanted him to drive her since "she lived so close" and his WO had called and asked him to...i was there when he called and was the one who answered the phone...she had asked their WO to arrange for him to drive her ) that went on for about two weeks then stopped, but they were chatting a huge amount on facebook every evening. when i finally figured out what was going on, i told him it made me uncomfortable and i asked him to stop. he sad he would, but wanted to take her out for coffee to explain why ( stupid, I know...he was gone for quite a long time). a few days later he got a message from her on facebook that she was having an emergency and needed him to help...of course, he went, was gone for about 6 hours, and when he came back, told me he wanted to separate and was going to move in with a "friend" (her).... when i look back, i really think i was pretty dumb for not seeing what was going on, but i trusted him, he was my husband, after all.
frozensprouts Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 so for the "double post"....i had wanted to edit it, and instead it posted it twice
RickFox Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 The 'opposite sex friend' issue is profound. It was huge in my ex wife's affair. She always had a lot of male friends, many were friends of nephews who were all a part of her very large, extended family. In fact, she had more male friends than female; and I found it odd that my nearly all of the issues my wife had with people were with other females. Lots of them just didn't like her. I always assumed it was because of her looks and the attention she received. I was a little uneasy with how happy that attention made her, and my instincts were right. Back then, trusting her seemed the best route; especially considering she'd get very angry if I mentioned it. She'd say I was insecure and that I didn't own her. I hated that, and despite my attempts to make her change, I eventually stopped worrying about it. I didn't realize that I'd married a home wrecker. She was, and is; big time. I hate to be influenced by this, but I approach it differently now. My lady doesn't go overboard on the male friend thing, but once a male co-worker was mentioned in succession, over the period of a few days. I calmly responded by saying maybe it would be best if I moved aside to allow them more time together. Her response was shocked disbelief, but I was serious. I explained my position and told her what I was asking was nothing more than what I was willing to give. It is only fair, IMO. Having male 'best friends' is her choice to make. My choice is to not live with it. We're still together. You just described my xMW. She bragged how she had very few female friends and she had mostly male friends. That set my wife off when she heard that and said only women who are major B***ches don't have female friends. Her husband was ignorant to this, seems to still be, leads me to believe she may have slept with a guy who claims to be a long time friend......doesn't matter now. Sad thing is, her husband would come home and consistenly find me there and think nothing of it or she'd be at my house and the only person who saw it for what it was, was my wife.
carhill Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I'd love to hear some other perspectives on this.I was very specific about who I was unfaithful with. It was no random meeting nor online infatuation, rather someone I had known for over a generation. If she had not responded to the first contact between us in over a decade, then said unfaithfulness would have never happened. There were no other options nor potentials in my mind.
Author flutterbykiss Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 You just described my xMW. She bragged how she had very few female friends and she had mostly male friends. That set my wife off when she heard that and said only women who are major B***ches don't have female friends. Ooo! I know that story! Except he has mostly female friends because he 'gets along with women so well because he is talks to them better than other men can' It's worth noting that he has also slept with all but two of them at sometime in the past. Talk about keeping your options open!!!
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