Do cheaters care who they cheat with?

[flutterbykiss]

From experience (on both sides of the story) and a lot of reading, I've come to the conclusion that an affair is not about the OP at all. I'm pretty convinced it's entirely selfish and solely about what the CS gets out of it - sex, approval, attention, affection, ego boost, whatever. I'm starting to think that who the A is conducted with is largely based on chance and availability - at least in the initial stages of the A.

It seems reasonable that after a time the CS associates the OP be with the good feelings that he/she is deriving from the A and then the OP becomes dear to them but, again, is that even about the OP personally?

 

I'd love to hear some other perspectives on this.

 

For the record, I'm speaking in general. I respect the fact that there are always exceptions to every rule and by no means belittling anyone's relationship

[beenburned]

I would think it depends on what type of cheater you are talking about.

 

For sex addicts, serial cheaters, and playboy types, I really think it is anybody that is willing to have sex with them. It is all about scoring a hit.

 

For a person that has never been the cheating type, it is possible that they might meet and fall in love with another person, even though they are married. I think this is the type of person that will leave the marriage and want to marry the OP.

[RickFox]

I would think it depends on what type of cheater you are talking about.

 

For sex addicts, serial cheaters, and playboy types, I really think it is anybody that is willing to have sex with them. It is all about scoring a hit.

 

For a person that has never been the cheating type, it is possible that they might meet and fall in love with another person, even though they are married. I think this is the type of person that will leave the marriage and want to marry the OP.

 

I was approached by my xMW after we were friends for quite some time and talked every day at school before picking up our kids. I too am married and she approached me saying she thought I was attractive and asked me to lunch one day. When I responded that I thought she was hot too, she said we could skip the lunch.

[nofool4u]

Do cheaters care who they cheat with?

 

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 

Who cares? They are cheaters.

[beenburned]

Rick,

This just proves that cheating requires many choices(steps) before the sex actually happens.

 

It makes me mad when cheaters say "it just happened".

[flutterbykiss]

I would think it depends on what type of cheater you are talking about.

 

For sex addicts, serial cheaters, and playboy types, I really think it is anybody that is willing to have sex with them. It is all about scoring a hit.

 

For a person that has never been the cheating type, it is possible that they might meet and fall in love with another person, even though they are married. I think this is the type of person that will leave the marriage and want to marry the OP.

 

I think there is a lot of value in that perspective, BB. I was mostly thinking of people who stay in their marriage rather than the type that is transitioning from one relationship to another. I agree that's altogether different and has a much higher probability of genuine feelings for the OP.

 

I think there is something between 'scoring a hit' and starting a committed relationship, though. I've often wondered how much the OP can really mean to someone who is prepared to make them play 'second fiddle'. It seems like a getting and not really giving kind of senario on the part of the MP. Personally, at the time I thought I had feelings for my OMs (one was even a dear friend beforehand) but I walked away easily enough in the end. Now I wonder if I really just loved what I got from them. It's not a nice thing to think about oneself.

[LoveTKO]

From experience (on both sides of the story) and a lot of reading, I've come to the conclusion that an affair is not about the OP at all. I'm pretty convinced it's entirely selfish and solely about what the CS gets out of it - sex, approval, attention, affection, ego boost, whatever. I'm starting to think that who the A is conducted with is largely based on chance and availability - at least in the initial stages of the A.

 

Don't be so sure about that idea. A lot of women have their minds made up before the affair materializes.The MS who had an affair with me told me that she was checking me out for about six months and trying to find a way to establish contact with me. Mind you, all this transpired after she made up her mind at the age of forty five that she was ready to go outside of the marriage for sex as the result of not being attracted to her husband. She is very attractive, but also appears a bit conservative - she is the last woman that you would expect would have an affair. She always jokes around about how she groomed me for the affair.

[Owl]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 

Who cares? They are cheaters.

 

I rarely agree with your stance...but on this, I totally agree.

[ladydesigner]

Don't be so sure about that idea. A lot of women have their minds made up before the affair materializes.The MS who had an affair with me told me that she was checking me out for about six months and trying to find a way to establish contact with me. Mind you, all this transpired after she made up her mind at the age of forty five that she was ready to go outside of the marriage for sex as the result of not being attracted to her husband. She is very attractive, but also appears a bit conservative - she is the last woman that you would expect would have an affair. She always jokes around about how she groomed me for the affair.

 

I think this is true in a lot of cases too. I knew the OM was already attracted to me, but I didn't cross any lines until my H blatantly had an A in my face. I was looking to get back and OM's attraction towards me did boost my ego. Unfortunately I planned my RA and knew damn well what I was doing. Big mistake! Hindsight

[Mr_Confused]

Depends why the person is cheating.

 

I know BS's hate all cheaters equally, but we are not in it for the same thing.

 

Some people need the ego boost and they're clearly less discriminate.

 

Others want love and they'll obviously be more selective.

[Owl]

Depends why the person is cheating.

 

I know BS's hate all cheaters equally, but we are not in it for the same thing.

 

Some people need the ego boost and they're clearly less discriminate.

 

Others want love and they'll obviously be more selective.

 

This is absolutely untrue.

 

I don't hate you. I didn't hate my wife even when she was in the midst of her EA. I damn sure wasn't happy with her actions and choices at the time, but I still loved her...which is why I took all the steps I did to reconcile and recover our marriage.

 

I don't have any reason to hate someone I don't know, even if they're cheating on their wife.

 

I don't condone your actions. I think what you're doing is wrong, unfair, and potentially you're headed for massive disaster for you, your wife, your family, and everyone involved. I think you're making a damned foolish decision, and when you add in that you've come here and gained a lot more awareness of the likely outcome and devestation to come out of your situation and yet you continue with your actions...I really gotta say you're not someone I'd want to have in my life.

 

But hate...not there. Not at all. Others may hate all cheaters...but that's just hating a concept, not an actual breathing person.

 

Absolutely a different thing for me.

[nofool4u]

Rick,

This just proves that cheating requires many choices(steps) before the sex actually happens.

 

It makes me mad when cheaters say "it just happened".

 

A meteor crashing into your house "just happened"

[Mr_Confused]

This is absolutely untrue.

 

I don't hate you. I didn't hate my wife even when she was in the midst of her EA. I damn sure wasn't happy with her actions and choices at the time, but I still loved her...which is why I took all the steps I did to reconcile and recover our marriage.

 

I don't have any reason to hate someone I don't know, even if they're cheating on their wife.

 

I don't condone your actions. I think what you're doing is wrong, unfair, and potentially you're headed for massive disaster for you, your wife, your family, and everyone involved. I think you're making a damned foolish decision, and when you add in that you've come here and gained a lot more awareness of the likely outcome and devestation to come out of your situation and yet you continue with your actions...I really gotta say you're not someone I'd want to have in my life.

 

But hate...not there. Not at all. Others may hate all cheaters...but that's just hating a concept, not an actual breathing person.

 

Absolutely a different thing for me.

 

ok.

 

I dnt consider myself a cheater since we abandon the rules of our marriage long ago. But all the same i get ur point..

 

Regarding this thread.....i still stick with my post. "CHEATER" is a generic term to a group of individual so you cant much in common with their motives. The only thing we have in common is that we are legally married and meeting emotional and/or physical wants/needs outide the marriage. Little else in common including the degree to which our spouses care or feel "betrayed".

[Breezy Trousers]

From experience (on both sides of the story) and a lot of reading, I've come to the conclusion that an affair is not about the OP at all. I'm pretty convinced it's entirely selfish and solely about what the CS gets out of it - sex, approval, attention, affection, ego boost, whatever. I'm starting to think that who the A is conducted with is largely based on chance and availability - at least in the initial stages of the A.

It seems reasonable that after a time the CS associates the OP be with the good feelings that he/she is deriving from the A and then the OP becomes dear to them but, again, is that even about the OP personally?

 

I'd love to hear some other perspectives on this.

 

For the record, I'm speaking in general. I respect the fact that there are always exceptions to every rule and by no means belittling anyone's relationship

 

In most cases, yes. You nailed it.

 

I agree with Older & Wiser, too.

 

A lot of OM/OW/BS's pain could be avoided if this was recognized for what it is -- i.e., nothing personal.

[frozensprouts]

This is absolutely untrue.

 

I don't hate you. I didn't hate my wife even when she was in the midst of her EA. I damn sure wasn't happy with her actions and choices at the time, but I still loved her...which is why I took all the steps I did to reconcile and recover our marriage.

 

I don't have any reason to hate someone I don't know, even if they're cheating on their wife.

 

I don't condone your actions. I think what you're doing is wrong, unfair, and potentially you're headed for massive disaster for you, your wife, your family, and everyone involved. I think you're making a damned foolish decision, and when you add in that you've come here and gained a lot more awareness of the likely outcome and devestation to come out of your situation and yet you continue with your actions...I really gotta say you're not someone I'd want to have in my life.

 

But hate...not there. Not at all. Others may hate all cheaters...but that's just hating a concept, not an actual breathing person.

 

Absolutely a different thing for me.

 

 

agreed...

if I hated all cheaters, I wouldn't still be married to my husband.

 

What I think is bad is the cheating itself, and my feelings about the person cheating don't have any influence on that.

[Owl]

ok.

 

I dnt consider myself a cheater since we abandon the rules of our marriage long ago. But all the same i get ur point..

 

Realize that I'm not a "basher"...I really am here to try to help folks.

 

With that said...

 

You're having sex with someone outside of your marriage, without your wife's knowledge or agreemant.

 

It IS that simple.

 

Regarding this thread.....i still stick with my post. "CHEATER" is a generic term to a group of individual so you cant much in common with their motives. The only thing we have in common is that we are legally married and meeting emotional and/or physical wants/needs outide the marriage. Little else in common including the degree to which our spouses care or feel "betrayed".

 

I don't recall...how much did your wife feel betrayed when she was fully and completely informed of your actions, and the fact that it continues still?

[Severely Unamused]

I know BS's hate all cheaters equally

Nonsense. We're all equal opportunity haters here...cheater, BS, or otherwise.

 

I don't recall...how much did your wife feel betrayed when she was fully and completely informed of your actions, and the fact that it continues still?

From what I recall, she's basically over it because she truly care$ about him (if you know what I mean). Of course, if she was never going to be that badly bothered by it, than there was no need to keep quiet about it in the first place.

 

As for the topic at hand, that would depend on the personality of the MP wouldn't it?

 

For the more impulse driven individuals, no doubt that there was little planning involved. But I'd say that there was far more premeditation than most MPs are willing to admit if confronted about it. After all, successfully sneaking behind somebody's back does take quite a bit of guile and manipulation.

[flutterbykiss]

A lot of women have their minds made up before the affair materializes.The MS who had an affair with me told me that she was checking me out for about six months and trying to find a way to establish contact with me. Mind you, all this transpired after she made up her mind at the age of forty five that she was ready to go outside of the marriage for sex as the result of not being attracted to her husband

 

I think that this is my point. That it's the unfulfilled need that drives the affair rather than being lead astray by the charms of someone else. Forgive me if I step on your toes, LoveTKO. I'm not judging your affair or what you shared with your MW but it seems like you're saying that if it wasn't you, it would have been someone else - so long as that person was physically attractive.

 

ROFL! Don't let the OW read THIS, because they all think it was their over-the-top beauty and specialness that just made the guy have to have them. In fact, most OW claim their married men have never cheated before and they're his first - because he couldn't resist falling in love with her.

 

Actually, I come at this from the perspective of the OW, too. Yes, at the time, I was sure MM was in it for me but now I think very differently. That's one of the reasons I started this thread.

 

Pretty much most OW think that their MM IS this type. Most find out differently down the road.

 

Or we wouldn't do it, right? We all want to be loved, or at least appreciated, and we surely wouldn't take second place to the BS if we didn't believe that we were really the one that the MP valued.

 

Thank you all so much for sharing your opinions. It's wonderful to have so much feedback

[beenburned]

Older&Wiser,

You forgot to mention their golden va-jay-jays, and how they know they are much better in bed than the BW.(or else the MM wouldn't be cheating)

[LoveTKO]

I think that this is my point. That it's the unfulfilled need that drives the affair rather than being lead astray by the charms of someone else. Forgive me if I step on your toes, LoveTKO. I'm not judging your affair or what you shared with your MW but it seems like you're saying that if it wasn't you, it would have been someone else - so long as that person was physically attractive.

 

 

 

Prior to starting the affair with me she did tell me that she was attracted to someone who works for her company but in a different region. He got cold feet and because of the possible ramifications on his marriage and kids, so nothing came of it. I can deduce that I was one of two candidates.

 

She told me two years ago that it would have been fine if our thing was relegated to a couple of dalliances here and there, but the fact that we get along really well and have reached a point where we share real intimacy (vulnerability, etc) has propelled this affair to a unique level. The physical aspect has also sustained it way beyond what we thought is possible.

[blueroses10]

I can't speak for every person whose had an affair but I will agree with some of what you wrote and strongly disagree with the rest. I agree that an affair is selfish and the AP cheats to feel a certain way or get things that are missing in the marriage.

 

However I do not agree that most AP's cheat based on availability. I wouldn't have cheated with just anyone and not just anyone would have been able to fill the void that was missing.

 

I could be wrong but I suspect that maybe a lot of men would fall into that category (no offense guys) and a few women but I think most women are selective about who they sleep with and need a connection.

 

Someone stated that affairs are different and they are but they are more generic than they are different. We tend to think that they are vastly different when we are in the affair and once our fairytale world comes crashing down on us, we see that we mostly every detail is generic as generic can be. Yes there are some aspects that may be different but most of the details play out the same.

Edited December 3, 2011 by blueroses10

[flutterbykiss]

However I do not agree that most AP's cheat based on availability. I wouldn't have cheated with just anyone and not just anyone would have been able to fill the void that was missing.

 

I could be wrong but I suspect that maybe a lot of men would fall into that category (no offense guys) and a few women but I think most women are selective about who they sleep with and need a connection.

 

Yes. I phrased that badly. I never meant that just any old person would do but I can see that what I wrote conveyed that. Apologies.

 

What I was trying to ask is: Is the initial attraction to the OM/OW in the relief and joy of filling the 'void' that has been neglected in their M? ie, an appreciation of what the OM/OW does for them rather than a genuine appreciation of the OM/OW themselves, as a human being.

 

I find it hard to believe that the CS (who is effectively using the OM/OW to fill the gaps in their own life) would put someone they truly admired and respected and appreciated in the position of being 'the bit on the side'. Furthermore, would the CS present themselves in the negative light of an unfaithful partner to someone whose opinion they truly valued?

[RickFox]

Don't be so sure about that idea. A lot of women have their minds made up before the affair materializes.The MS who had an affair with me told me that she was checking me out for about six months and trying to find a way to establish contact with me. Mind you, all this transpired after she made up her mind at the age of forty five that she was ready to go outside of the marriage for sex as the result of not being attracted to her husband. She is very attractive, but also appears a bit conservative - she is the last woman that you would expect would have an affair. She always jokes around about how she groomed me for the affair.

 

Interesting. My xMW toldme she noticed me during the first year of school while we waited in the lobby and when she found out our daughter's were best friends, did everything she could to find out who I was/we were and then got an invitation to us so we'd attend. She even planned to wear the tiniest shorts she could find on a day she and I were supposed to work out together (if nothing had occurred by that point) During the affair, she fell "in love" with me (just words), and upon learning her supposed true emotions I let down my wall and well..I've posted what happened. I look back on it now, I see if she planned it like that from the start, who is to say she didn't plan the timing of the affair, right before summer, so she could slide right back into her role as the perfect little wife regardless of whether d day came or not since she still loved her H and wasn't ready to leave him.

 

She was obviously curious outside of her marriage, as was I, there was a mutual attraction and a mental connection (or so I thought) but I think we were both at different points in our real world relationships. I do think if it had not been me, she would have found another.....a big part of me thinks she'll still find another since she seems to want to have nothing to do with me.......and that's fine by me now.

[LoveTKO]

Interesting. My xMW toldme she noticed me during the first year of school while we waited in the lobby and when she found out our daughter's were best friends, did everything she could to find out who I was/we were and then got an invitation to us so we'd attend. She even planned to wear the tiniest shorts she could find on a day she and I were supposed to work out together (if nothing had occurred by that point) During the affair, she fell "in love" with me (just words), and upon learning her supposed true emotions I let down my wall and well..I've posted what happened. I look back on it now, I see if she planned it like that from the start, who is to say she didn't plan the timing of the affair, right before summer, so she could slide right back into her role as the perfect little wife regardless of whether d day came or not since she still loved her H and wasn't ready to leave him.

 

She was obviously curious outside of her marriage, as was I, there was a mutual attraction and a mental connection (or so I thought) but I think we were both at different points in our real world relationships. I do think if it had not been me, she would have found another.....a big part of me thinks she'll still find another since she seems to want to have nothing to do with me.......and that's fine by me now.

 

 

My MW doesn't love her husband and has no motivation to rekindle some old flame. Per her words, whenever your husband resorts to name calling during an argument--"you're stupid...you don't know what you're talking about....you're acting like a bitch"..etc--it kills any minute remnants of sexual attraction you once had for your spouse, and women NEVER get it back once you berate them and piss them off. Instead, they will shut down their vagina and give it to some cute sweet talker who they deem to be the rightful recipient of her sugar walls.

 

And some men are so stupid. They think their wife is frigid or going through some hormone transition/change- they fail to realize that their my-way-or-the-highway approach to settling a simple disagreement will kill a woman's sexual attraction for them.

[RickFox]

My MW doesn't love her husband and has no motivation to rekindle some old flame. Per her words, whenever your husband resorts to name calling during an argument--"you're stupid...you don't know what you're talking about....you're acting like a bitch"..etc--it kills any minute remnants of sexual attraction you once had for your spouse, and women NEVER get it back once you berate them and piss them off. Instead, they will shut down their vagina and give it to some cute sweet talker who they deem to be the rightful recipient of her sugar walls.

 

And some men are so stupid. They think their wife is frigid or going through some hormone transition/change- they fail to realize that their my-way-or-the-highway approach to settling a simple disagreement will kill a woman's sexual attraction for them.

 

 

That depends, if the woman, or man for that matter, has little to no self worth, it won't matter, she'll still go back to him as that's where the loyalty lies. My xMW was put down by her husband, he called her stupid and said I hate you, talk about other hot chicks and then back track and tell her she was okay looking. All she wanted was an ego boost, that much Im sure of, and once he saw she was pulling away and after she told him she didn't like being talked to like that, he suddenly changed a bit, that was all she needed to gain her loyalty back. I try not to analyze it too much anymore anyways, cause the fact is, she ain't mine, she wasn't and it was a destructive path, for me at least.