shawn923 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) Wassup everybody. Just asking what the title says, what are the steps to get over someone? In my case, an ex-girlfriend, the dumper. I believe i've read a thread similiar to this, but i couldnt find it through the forum. Basically im currently in the "pissed off" stage toward my ex, and im wondering if i can get a general (because everybody and every situation is different) step by step process to how it is to get over an ex. Also a general timeline would be great as well, such as grieving takes 3 months, angry takes 1 month, etc..... Ive went total NC before anybody asks. And also, i am NOT here looking for a magical theory that can get us back together. Thats not what i want. I want to move on and truly get over this person and cleanse her totally out my system... Im not here fishing for a method to win her back. I wanna move on! Edited December 2, 2011 by shawn923
radiodarcy Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 no need to convince me you don't want your ex back. based on previous posts you wrote - - when you *did* want her back - - i believe you when you say that you don't honestly there is no way to measure your recovery when you get over a break up. for me i grieved for like a month - - and dealt with the white hot blinding anger for 3-4 months. it just depends on the person. i think the best way to get over a break up is to *not* set up a time line. it's just going to create unnecessary pressure. when you really need t be focusing on yourself and your healing and recovery. allow yourself to feel whatever negative emotions your feeling - - be it anger; depression; sadness. there's really no way around these emotions - - you have to go through them. that being said, don't dwell on the bad feelings -- balance them out by spending time with friends; hobbies; activities that you like. it's going to be along difficult road - - you'll have your good days and you'll have your awful days. but overtime the good will outnumber the bad and you'll start to be on an even keel and feel more like you again.
mike588 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 It's taken me 4 months to get where I am now,, which is a whole hell of alot better to where I was even last month. I'm not 100% over her yet but sure am getting there and you will too. Yes don't put a time limit on it.
smokey bear Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Step 1 PAIN Step 2 PAIN Step 3 PAIN...... no im only kidding, this is from the baggage reclaim site. The first month or two - What are you likely to be experiencing? Grief, denial, self-blame, hate, likely to attempt reconciliation, desperate, bereft, obsessing, irrationality, desperate urge to call, desperate to know what he’s doing, missing the routine, missing the certainty of the uncertainty, skipping work, feigning sickness, not eating, overeating, hanging around on dating sites looking for attention, tempted to regress or you regress, looking for excuses to see him, driving past his work, trying to get information from his or your friends, over analysis, attention seeking, checking dating sites to see if he’s on them, drama seeking, hanging up calls. From around month two - What are you likely to be experiencing? Back to work, back to friends and family, starting to sound like a broken record, feel very sorry for yourself, think your friends don’t understand, desire to be feeling as bad as you were in the first month because you acknowledge on some level that you actually feel better, start seeing him and the relationship for what it is, anger at you, anger at him, immense pain, falling off the wagon territory, laying the foundations for rebuilding you and your life, scared of how much time has passed, wondering what if things could have been different. From around three-six months - What are you likely to be experiencing? During this phase you are likely to realise that you’re further along than you thought, tempted to make friends, tempted to have the talk, tempted to believe he misses you, tempted to believe he has changed, possibility of having a slip off the wagon, suddenly realising that you’re happy, contemplating dating, may feel necessary to set boundaries with other people in your life now that have a larger awareness, and recognising your own contribution, but not in a positive way. For some it will take longer, but however long it takes, at some point you will realise that you ‘get it’ and embrace the fact that you’re doing NC and look at is as freedom rather than punishment. Or there are the 5 stages 1) DENIAL It is not really happening; He/she will realize her/his mistake and will call me after a few days. He/She loves me so much we did so many things together; he/she is just having a bad day stress at work. A few weeks go by and still no phone calls, FB, Email, but he/she said she loved me… You still believe you have control over what happened. 2) ANGER How could he/she do this to me? Doesn’t he/she care? Did I mean nothing to him? He/she wasted my time!! Obviously with a few swear words in between. He/she is so selfish! He/she is such a *********. Thoughts of revenge appear and thoughts of hurting him/her or yourself may surface. Angry because of all the time invested. You have many questions unanswered. You feel like you want to call and shout at them, telling them it’s their fault! 3) NEGOTIATION Okay maybe I have over reacted. If I/he/she would just call it would be okay. I can convince them to stay. I am just going to go NC for a few months and then he/she will call and everything will be okay. Maybe he/she is also posting on LS and he/she could read my posts and everything would be fine. You start to regret some of the things you said and wish you could have another phone call or e-mail to sort things out. You make plans to gain more control. You might even think of manipulating the situation to get your way. Some people draft plans. 4) SADNESS This is where places and things bring back memories (sometimes the smallest thing), where every memory of him/her makes you sad. Where you realize it is over but are grieving the final goodbye. Some people get stuck in this stage for a long time. 5) ACCEPTANCE This is where you do not go back and forth through stage 1-4 anymore. You have accepted and moved on to a new relationship or new life. You still have the memories, but it is not affecting your life or your happiness.
M2155 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Other people have answered your question. But I just wanted to say looking back, even if it hurt, the person that came into my life next was always better for me. So a positive thing for me to believe is that I'm making room for someone that will turn out to be even better. Edited December 3, 2011 by M2155
Author shawn923 Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Step 1 PAIN Step 2 PAIN Step 3 PAIN...... no im only kidding, this is from the baggage reclaim site. The first month or two - What are you likely to be experiencing? Grief, denial, self-blame, hate, likely to attempt reconciliation, desperate, bereft, obsessing, irrationality, desperate urge to call, desperate to know what he’s doing, missing the routine, missing the certainty of the uncertainty, skipping work, feigning sickness, not eating, overeating, hanging around on dating sites looking for attention, tempted to regress or you regress, looking for excuses to see him, driving past his work, trying to get information from his or your friends, over analysis, attention seeking, checking dating sites to see if he’s on them, drama seeking, hanging up calls. From around month two - What are you likely to be experiencing? Back to work, back to friends and family, starting to sound like a broken record, feel very sorry for yourself, think your friends don’t understand, desire to be feeling as bad as you were in the first month because you acknowledge on some level that you actually feel better, start seeing him and the relationship for what it is, anger at you, anger at him, immense pain, falling off the wagon territory, laying the foundations for rebuilding you and your life, scared of how much time has passed, wondering what if things could have been different. From around three-six months - What are you likely to be experiencing? During this phase you are likely to realise that you’re further along than you thought, tempted to make friends, tempted to have the talk, tempted to believe he misses you, tempted to believe he has changed, possibility of having a slip off the wagon, suddenly realising that you’re happy, contemplating dating, may feel necessary to set boundaries with other people in your life now that have a larger awareness, and recognising your own contribution, but not in a positive way. For some it will take longer, but however long it takes, at some point you will realise that you ‘get it’ and embrace the fact that you’re doing NC and look at is as freedom rather than punishment. Or there are the 5 stages 1) DENIAL It is not really happening; He/she will realize her/his mistake and will call me after a few days. He/She loves me so much we did so many things together; he/she is just having a bad day stress at work. A few weeks go by and still no phone calls, FB, Email, but he/she said she loved me… You still believe you have control over what happened. 2) ANGER How could he/she do this to me? Doesn’t he/she care? Did I mean nothing to him? He/she wasted my time!! Obviously with a few swear words in between. He/she is so selfish! He/she is such a *********. Thoughts of revenge appear and thoughts of hurting him/her or yourself may surface. Angry because of all the time invested. You have many questions unanswered. You feel like you want to call and shout at them, telling them it’s their fault! 3) NEGOTIATION Okay maybe I have over reacted. If I/he/she would just call it would be okay. I can convince them to stay. I am just going to go NC for a few months and then he/she will call and everything will be okay. Maybe he/she is also posting on LS and he/she could read my posts and everything would be fine. You start to regret some of the things you said and wish you could have another phone call or e-mail to sort things out. You make plans to gain more control. You might even think of manipulating the situation to get your way. Some people draft plans. 4) SADNESS This is where places and things bring back memories (sometimes the smallest thing), where every memory of him/her makes you sad. Where you realize it is over but are grieving the final goodbye. Some people get stuck in this stage for a long time. 5) ACCEPTANCE This is where you do not go back and forth through stage 1-4 anymore. You have accepted and moved on to a new relationship or new life. You still have the memories, but it is not affecting your life or your happiness. Great Post Thanks:bunny: Btw, yes im aware not all people and situations are the same so i understand this is just a vague outline. But this was exactly what I was looking for. It helps me look at myself and determine what stage im currently in. And what i should expect in the future if I wanna get over this person...
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