maviswf Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I am shaking and sick to my stomach as I type this. I know what I have to do, I just can't believe it all came down to this. Sorry this is all over the place, I am getting this off my chest as I have never admitted all of this before to anyone. Married almost 16 yrs, 2 small kids ages 3 and 4. Things were rocky before kids, that's why we waited so long. Things got better. Then I became a stay at home mom after moving and quitting a professional management job. Now, all we do it fight about money. Over and over. He want's to buy the cadillac version of everything. We don't have the money. Our house it too big. I am now looking for work. He thinks he gets more of a say in everything since HE works and I don't. I really think he despises me. I had an EA 2 yrs ago and got caught. It was awful. I absolutely am not saying what I did was right, but we hadn't had sex, passion, for over a year! Never told/tells me he loves me, always gone at work,etc. I think he can't get over this at all. I don't expect him to but it is always throwing it in my face and I can't live it down. I am trying. I have set date nights, (all ended early b/c he was "too tired", however he can go out with friends till all hours of the night), packed his lunches for work daily with little letters of love in them, etc. I did these things BEFORE my EA BTW and got NOTHING in return. For the last 15 yrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just him acting oblivious. I haven't changed. I have been strong willed and somewhat independent my whole life and I think he hates that now. He want's Suzie Homemaker who won't say **** to her husband if she disagrees. I feel like he is beating me into nothing now. (not literally)! I drink too much from the depression, although I hide it pretty well. I can't believe this is all crashing around me. I should have seen it coming but put the blinders up. I HATE that my 2 kids seems to know something is off, even though we NEVER argue or fight in front of them, EVER. My husband used to be athletic (played College Football!!), outdoorsy, etc like me. Now he has gained about 200 lbs over the course of the marriage and is obese. This disgusts me, and I KNOW that sounds WRONG but it's how i feel. I have NEVER told him this. I have discussed my concerns with him about his health but that's it. I sound like an awful person. I hate what I have become and I hate that kids are involved. It makes me sick. I am planning on the big "D", just trying to get a job, finances in order, etc. The latest, husband won't talk to me b/c I told him getting a brand new truck right now isn't a good idea. (HELLO, property taxes, Christmas, etc)? That we should wait. His response? "You are a sour bitch. You are ridiculous. I hope the vehicle you are driving breaks down on the side of the road. Don't come crying to me when it happens!" Then hung up. Nice, say that when I drive the kids around. This was the final straw. No apology, anything since he really thinks he is right and I am wrong for wanting to wait to get another car. Almost every financial decision he has made has been bad. I have a degree in FINANCE and MARKETING I am very good with money but he thinks I am a cheapo. Ok I will shut up now. Thanks for reading and being patient with my rambling. Please provide input if you can.
carhill Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Welcome to LS. Ages of you and H? How did the EA end? Discovery? Disclosure? Was the EA partner known to your H? Apparently you had it while the children were infants. That can leave a pretty powerful impression on a man. Did either or both of you receive any sort of counseling regarding that event? You've been married a long time. Has your husband always handled marital conflict as you exemplified in the truck example? Have you both been consistent in your financial philosophies throughout the M? If no, what changed? Any other outside life-changing events in the last couple years? If you had to choose one positive step today to resolve this, what would it be?
Bad husband Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I think you have come to a crossroads. You are ready to make a move. I suggest sitting him down and calmly explaining your position to him. It COULD make a positive change in him if delivered correctly. If it doesn't, you really have nothing to lose as you are on the road to divorce anyway. No chance you could love him again?
2.50 a gallon Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 It is simple, the kids come first and that means putting money away for their education As it stands, should the two of you "D" I doubt that he will be able to afford a new truck for years.
standtall Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Maviswf, It sounds like you marriage has turned into one of contempt and lack of respect by both parties at this time...those 2 things are marriage killers. You both need some major marriage counseling, but it sounds as if it maybe even too late for that.
Yasuandio Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 It might appear that both of you have or have begun, and will likely continue to "ingest" your pain if something drastically does not change NOW. I would start with some divorce-busting tactics - such as "try something new," "180," etc., before I up and show my financial/divorce intentions. I say this, because like another poster mentioned -- there are many other important things to though about in this economy other than a new truck (children's future education welfare -- especially if the household splits). Plus -- it's totally dumb to buy any vehicle NEW (duh). A few techniques to settle things down can buy you some time to get a grip on the finances, secure credit in your name (or add your name to a joint credit), find legal council, and see to it that you are properly named on assets. I would not recommend acting on impulse when you are upset, angry, or frustrated -- as it sounds on your post. Hold on, breath. Nothing has to happen at this moment. You have come to the perfect place to discuss these matters privately. But please give it some time, hold your cards. Get your ducks in a row. He is not perfect. You are not perfect. We are not perfect. But we are all here for you! I especially relate to an impulsive quality that is coming across, at least to me, in your post. A sense of urgency -- like something has to happen or you just gonna burst. Please forgive me if I have mid-interpreted your post, it's possible I related to something rlse there and am "projecting.". Sorry in advance if I did that. Yas
goldengirl86 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I am sensing indifference on your part, in that honestly i feel like you want out of the marriage as you feel like you have so much to offer in regards to money matters, but also that you feel like your not being treated as though you are your husbands intellectual equal. Your husband i feel does not want a equal partnership, he wants to make the decisions, this may have worked when you were younger, but I think as women get older they seem to grow into there own and if there partner does not grow with them then they just become unhappy and unforfilled. Sometimes the fact that you love yor partner is devoid of the fact that you have outgrown them. The fact that your drinking and your children have picked up that you are unhappy, shows that action needs to be taken. When you are happy your children will be happy regardless of whether you stay married to there father, as long as yo are matured about the process and both co parent well and act mature i you do decide to divorce. Good luck!
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