URGENT: Would you take him back - Broken Engagement/Porn/Naked Pics/

[sailorwoman]

My fiancé and I have dated 2008-present and broke up 2 days ago. We have had a LDR the past 2 yrs. Lately he has been emotionally distant and is not interested in having sex much with me anymore. I have been on antibiotics for a surgical pin infection so we have to use condoms now. But he can’t orgasm with condoms anymore so he has no interest in having sex with me now. He has trouble having orgasms even with oral sex. If we ever have sex its usually cause I initiated it. I’ve asked him if he uses porn and he said no

 

For a year he badgered me to give him naked pics of myself – specifically he wanted pics containing my vagina and face. I finally caved in 2009 and gave him some. But a few months later I demanded that he delete them because 1) there was evidence that he had cheated on me and 2) my pics were on his hard drive and he had viruses all over his computer and 3) I really wasn’t comfortable with anyone such pornographic pics of me. We deleted my pics from his computer together.

 

Last week I was writing a paper on his computer and suddenly lost it. I saw that he had a “Recover my Files” program installed so I ran it. I found my paper, but I found hundreds of deleted porn pictures on his computer and iphone is his Roots/AppsData file. I also found a pic of a half naked woman that looked like it may have been sent by a real woman to his iphone in his Roots/AppsData file. In a USB drive he left connected to his computer I found about 30 naked and sex pics of his ex from 4 yrs ago. I also found my deleted pics from 2009. He had used this recovery program to undelete them behind my back.

 

My trust was shattered and I was shocked. I copied his USB drive to my USB drive to keep as evidence that he insists on having my pics against my will (doing this was a big mistake). Then I again deleted my pics off his drive again. I confronted him when he got home and he admitted that he “uses porn from time to time.” He said he only uses it when I’m not around and he won’t use it when we are married. He spends 45 mins in the bathroom every morning alledgedly “pooping and reading the news on his iphone” but now I’m wondering if he is watching porn and masturbating in there.

 

But it gets worse….so I put my USB drive with the pics in a zippered pocket in my wallet and afternoon before I was to fly home. That evening I left my purse in his house and went for a quick jog. He was alone in the house. The next morning at the airport (this past Tues), I saw that my USB drive was not in my wallet. I’m 99% sure he took it because he was the only one who had access to it and motivation to take it. I had not used that zippered pocket any after putting the drive in it. When I told him that it was missing and asked if he took it or if it was in his house anywhere, he got very angry and said that I “lost it and he is not going to look for it”. Then he said he hopes someone in the airport finds it and uploads my pics on the internet. He was angry at me for suggesting he may have a porn addiction. We mutually broke up Tues night.

 

I’m totally heartbroken over our break up and the circumstances that caused it. Yesterday I contacted a lawyer to possibly have him send my ex-fiance a letter notifying him that he will be sued if he uploads my naked photos. The letter hasn't been sent yet.

 

Now last night….my ex sends me a text wanting to know if I’d like to work things out???? I really love this man and he is wonderful and many ways. He use to have and drinking problem and has quit for me and himself. But he has lied multiple times and is very guarded. At this point my trust is so shattered that I don’t know if I can have a healthy relationship with him anymore.

 

What do you think?

Edited December 2, 2011 by sailorwoman

[Spark1111]

I think it is very possible, as with many addicts, that he has substituted one addiction (alcohol) for another, porn, specifically, secret concealed pics of you and his xgf.

 

I think he remains a high-risk partner for a lifetime commitment, don't you?

 

It is less about the particular addiction, than the intense need to lie to keep it secret that shouts red-flags to me.

 

And if someone is unwilling to reveal all their secrets, how will you ever establish true intimacy and trust with this man?

 

He may have given up the alcohol for you, but he never did the harder task of getting to the core of his addictive personality -- the WHY of it.

 

Until he shows the courage to do so, I believe continuing in a relationship with this man is a recipe for lifetime heartache.

 

The same brain chemicals released in his alcohol addiction are now being released when he views porn. This is not true for all men, but it is true for some.

 

Walk away, after you get your pics back. A man who prefers a naked picture of a woman over a real, breathing, living woman in his bed, has issues too deep for your love to cure.

[sailorwoman]

Thanks so much for your response. That's what I'm afraid of...that he is transfering one addiction to another. Actually he has been using porn for 10 yrs according to his ex-wife but she said he wasn't secretive, just used pictures and still preferred her.

 

I suspect that if he is addicted to porn it got much worse when he got an iphone due to easy access, no worries about viruses, and the extra stimulation of videos, live sex, chats, etc...or maybe its just because he quit drinking. He claims he still just looks at pictures, but i dont know if can believe him.

 

You are right, he had not investigated the "why". He has not gone to counseling or AA. He just took Antabuse to help himself quit.

 

 

So if you were in my shoes you'd still have a lawyer send him a letter?

Edited December 2, 2011 by sailorwoman

[make me believe]

HELL NO I would not take him back! You shouldn't have taken him back after he cheated on you and repeatedly badgered you for naked pictures. He sounds like a total creep and your relationship sounds really unhealthy. My first thought was that he has probably already posted your photos somewhere. =/ Sorry. I don't know if there's much a lawyer can do for you. Maybe your ex would be scared into not uploading the pics if he was considering it, but once you have already given them to him, I don't know that you can really prevent him from doing what he wants with them.

 

Anyway you said he is a really wonderful man. A guy who lies, cheats on you, badgers you for naked photos, refuses to delete them, STEALS the copies of the pics from you, won't have sex with you,...... he's NOT a wonderful man!!

 

I would have the lawyer send the letter, cross my fingers that the pictures aren't already online/sent to his friends/who knows where, and MOVE ON.

[sailorwoman]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I initially thought he was a wonderful man because I believed he kind, hard-working, responsible, honest, trustworthy and a genuinly good-hearted person. Obviously I don't think the latter 3 are true anymore. It hurts to learn that someone you love is not who you thought they were.

 

I just don't understand him; We have a LDR and when I was visited him for 2 weeks, he hardly wanted me sexually. In general, he acted like he didn't want to be bothered with me, he was indifferent about visiting on New Years because he said the flights were too expensive, etc.

 

Now that we've broken up, he's texting and calling that he doesn't want to loose me. He went ahead and booked a flight to see me for New Years even when I told him he shouldn't.

 

It makes me wonder about what is going on in his head.

 

Since he is trying to get back together, I don't think he has posted my naked pictures on the internet. But it makes me very nervous that he ever even made such a threat.

 

Do you think it is better to just nicely back out of this relationship without pissing him off and hope he doesn't post the pics or that his 13yr old son never finds them and posts them.

 

OR

 

Go and have a lawyer send a letter and file a police report regarding my stolen UBS drive with the pics. Doing so will royally piss him off. Don't know if he will then post the pics or be intimidated enough that he'll back down. He is in the military and his millitary career is everything to him. I've learned that he would be charged with "unbecoming conduct" and loose rank if he were to be found guily of stealing my drive or posting my pics. I wonder if that risk would intimidate him enough that he would back down.

[sailorwoman]

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