weltschmerz Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) My EX broke up with me after 5 years of an eventful courtship. We were deeply in love, but things didn't go our way, since our families didn't approve of our association! (yes, the two of us come from backgrounds, where families have a say in finding the "RIGHT" marriage partner for their children!) Our situation was in the storm's eye from day one, since not only we followed different religions, but we also had different nationalities. Anyway, we pursued things hard and struggled against all odds, only to eventually succumb to pressures from our families, especially his. His family, almost made him feel like a loser, for not getting married and not having a family, at the age of 35. Eventually, deeply insecured and "ashamed", he married behind my back. Needless to say, I almost died. After one week, and later after a month post marriage, my EX contacted me and professed his love for me but for reasons very obvious, I never entertained him. It's almost been a little over one year now, and since there's been no contact between us. But recently, I got to speak to a friend of my EX who told me, that my EX is in a miserable state and is all messed up. That he still loves me, still talks about me, misses me immensely and cries hopelessly. He thought getting married was a solution to all his miseries in life, but now perhaps, he's realised he was totally wrong! Anyway. Right now, after knowing all of these, I am not happy, I am not sad, in fact, I am part angry, part confused, and part numb. I find it all very unfortunate. The thing is, since I have got to know about my Ex's state, I really want him to know that I still love him. But having said that, I even know, that conventionally it's not the wise thing to do - especially since a 3rd person (his wife) and who knows, perhaps a 4th person (his baby) is involved! I know, morally, abstaining from talking to my EX is just the right thing to do. But if we fairly look at things, from our perspective, I and my EX deserve to be together. We know, how hopelessly we had struggled against all odds, for the BEST 5 years of ours lives (I was 26 and him 29 when we met, and I was 32 and him 35 when we parted ways!) to be together. Unfortunate, it was, that our respective societies and families couldn't appreciate our affection for each other. For us, we meant the world to each other. And we know, had we been together we would have been the happiest. Honestly, I'll admit, the ideal thing for us, would be a scenario, where we get back together again and for good. (Even he wanted the same, he communicated this to me, in one of his mails to me after his marriage!) What highlights the need for (our idea of) an IDEAL solution is the fact that not only is my Ex in a loveless marriage but even I am not able to get myself fall in love with any other guy since. I know, I won't be able to love someone so deeply. (Hence, I do not want to get into a relationship, where a man suffers, because of my inability to love him!) So it seems, as if, I and my Ex are doomed for life. It may sound selfish to some of you, but honestly, if you look at things fairly, then you will realise, who's more on the losing end! Coming back to the wife, for her this was an arranged marriage. She anyway DIDN'T love my EX. In fact, things would have been the same, for her, irrespective of the man she was married to - whether my EX or someone else. Also, is it fair, to tie down someone into a relationship, where they're not even loved? I mean, isn't my EX holding back his wife from finding the true love of her life? I think of this, and I feel terribly sad. Wish, love and life, were not as complicated and they always turns out to be! Also, there's another question to which I have no answer. Honestly, when I ask myself if I'll be able to take my EX back, if at all he wishes to come back? Then the answer I get is I DO NOT KNOW! Sadly, I still love him, I pine for him every single day of my life, but then I can also not forget, that he's abused my selfless affection and broken my trust. Please help me with some insightful answers. The pain is killing me. Edited December 2, 2011 by weltschmerz
Mary-Jane Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I understand your feelings... something similar (but even uglier) happened to me. But what I have to say we all make choices and have to live with consequences so please whatever you do don't let him have the best of both worlds, don't let him have you if he's not single because the there won't be a chance he will change anything. Besides if he's so "miserable" but doing nothing about it perhaps you will still meet someone with balls who wouldn't get into a situation like this? just a thought
Author weltschmerz Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 I understand your feelings... something similar (but even uglier) happened to me. But what I have to say we all make choices and have to live with consequences so please whatever you do don't let him have the best of both worlds, don't let him have you if he's not single because the there won't be a chance he will change anything. Besides if he's so "miserable" but doing nothing about it perhaps you will still meet someone with balls who wouldn't get into a situation like this? just a thought I absolutely agree with every word you have written here. I know, what you mean, and I think, what you have said is in the best of my interest. Of course, there's no way, he can have the best of two world's together. And yes, you're right, if he's miserable and he regrets his act and if he thinks this is unfair to everyone involved, then he needs to speak up and sort things out for all, for good. The only thing, that makes me give him a benefit of doubt is, when we ended things, he was still suggesting that he will do everything to be with me, which I vehemently rejected! Not only that, I also felt, that how can I rely upon a man (now married), to make things work for us, when he couldn't even when we were single! The thing is, he indeed went weak, in our last year together, and in desperation and also greed, took a decision, which eventually right before his wedding, he realised was not right. But by then, he was in a fix, and had no option left. And anyway, he's a weak man, who's now made (At least) my life, miserable. I think, I get carried away when I think of our times together, our struggle together.
Author weltschmerz Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 I understand your feelings... something similar (but even uglier) happened to me. But what I have to say we all make choices and have to live with consequences so please whatever you do don't let him have the best of both worlds, don't let him have you if he's not single because the there won't be a chance he will change anything. Besides if he's so "miserable" but doing nothing about it perhaps you will still meet someone with balls who wouldn't get into a situation like this? just a thought I absolutely agree with every word you have written here. I know, what you mean, and I think, what you have said is in the best of my interest. Of course, there's no way, he can have the best of two world's together. And yes, you're right, if he's miserable and he regrets his act and if he thinks this is unfair to everyone involved, then he needs to speak up and sort things out for all, for good. The only thing, that makes me give him a benefit of doubt is, when we ended things, he was still suggesting that he will do everything to be with me, which I vehemently rejected! Not only that, I also felt, that how can I rely upon a man (now married), to make things work for us, when he couldn't even when we were single! The thing is, he indeed went weak, in our last year together, and in desperation and also greed, took a decision, which eventually right before his wedding, he realised was not right. But by then, he was in a fix, and had no option left. And anyway, he's a weak man, who's now made (At least) my life, miserable. I think, I get carried away when I think of our times together, our struggle together.
Graceful Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 I am the child of two parents who fought against the odds to be together, and guess what? They were in love, they stayed together despite the struggle it presented at first and were in a good, loving, solid, trusting marriage until my Dad's death a few years ago. My brother also had a problematic courtship with his now wife (her parents did not approve of the age difference, as my brother was a good deal older) and guess what? His wife had a mind of her own, and married my brother anyway. Three children, a successful marriage and no regrets later, they would have cut ties with her family if they had to, but they did manage to maintain a relationship in the long run because my SIL put her foot down and made her choice, and it was to follow her own heart and her own path. All this to say, if you and your ex had been devoted to each other, the breakup would never have occurred in the first place. Couples have struggles. They either stay together and cut chords with their families if they have to, or they relent and let the family regulate their lives. You need to evaluate your feelings and stop living in the past. Just learning of his marriage, let alone his misery and doing nothing about it should be the ultimate closure for you, quite honestly, who would want to be with someone who allows his life to be run (and ruined), let the truth leak out behind his wife's back, and *STILL* not do even one thing to release himself (even if you were not available) from a life like that? Forget about trusting him. You should not trust yourself right now. You're not thinking rationally at all. Re-evaluate, step back, and see him for who he is. He was not willing to stand up to his family, he was not willing to stand up to his devotion and love for you, and now he's acting like a wimp. Sounds like a twerp. Fish or cut bait, fella. And even if he does leave his wife, he should pursue you with every cell in his body. Not the other way around. Following legal separation or divorce, not while he is still married. No way. This was not the love of your life, so stop convincing yourself there's no one else out there. There certainly is, and someone who has a stronger character than your ex ever had. He made his bed, now he lies in it. Stop involving yourself in his life, it's none of your business. If anyone tries to tell you about him again, push back and say you have no interest any longer. Take charge here. It's your life. Your choices. He made foolish choices. Do you want to follow in the same footsteps? Stop romanticizing. It's long since over. See him for who he is -- not much, IMO. A man like that? Well, he's not much of a man, now is he?
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