Appleanche Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I've been with him for several years. We don't live in the same town but close enough that we see each other several nights a week. We don't argue and we have a lot of fun together, and there are so many things I love about our relationship, but..... something is off. Since the beginning I have felt like he is too independent or I am too needy... or somewhere in the middle. I have tried to convince myself that, although he has a busy life outside of me, the reason I feel this way is because of a weakness within myself. I have further tried to convince myself that HE is good for me because he balances me out and forces me to look to myself to change rather than unhealthily relying on a man. The problem with this is that I feel like I am alone in this relationship a LOT. I am happy when I am with him - "mostly" things are fine then, but when I am back at home there are times I feel like I'm not even in a relationship at all. There are noticeable phases where this happens; highs and lows. We are in another one of those now. This time it started when we got back from vacation a couple weeks ago... I stayed at his house another few days after our return and he was just acting strange and kind-of distant. I began to think that he was really just ready for him alone time. I asked him about it and he said everything was fine. To make matters worse, he really didn't seem all that interested in sex those last couple nights either, which really bothers me on a deep level. I don't ever want him to feel 'eh, take it or leave it' about our sex life. So the last 2 times he was here he did not initiate sex, and after the last experience initiating *sigh* (mentioned above), I did not either. We did have a great night otherwise, but... no sex either night just sucks and is weird. It's not that we always have sex when we are together, it's just that it'll likely be another couple days before we see each other, maybe even the weekend, and yet he still never tried. Maybe there is some totally normal reason for it, like he was really tired or not feeling all that great or whatever, but I never heard it. Top that off with the yesterday not hearing from him at all until he texted goodnight, and then nothing all day today until I texted him goodnight (trying to mirror his behavior and the level of interest he puts in)... I just feel tired of these highs and lows. Isn't the level of communication while we are apart important too, that it's not just about what you do while together? I just feel really alone and un-thought of and unimportant. I have talked to him about this before... I have used the exact words posted above in conversation with him, and yet here I am again feeling just as sh*tty. I think I've been kidding myself that I have some neediness-issues... maybe I don't. Maybe he just isn't capable (or doesn't want to) of giving more than he does now. He claims he is perfectly happy, that I am "perfect" for him, but I just feel really alone. I hate these highs and lows. He likes to bring up our potential future together. He has indicated that he "thinks about marrying me" a lot and we have talked about me moving in. There are some other obstacles preventing that at this moment, but the truth is.... I worry I will smother him. If I feel like I've crowded him just be being around him for 10 days straight then hows it going to work moving in? I really don't know what to do... well aside from talking to him about all this, which I plan to. I don't know how to determine if we are a mismatch or if this can somehow be tweaked to be as good for me as he says it is for him. I want him to be more attentive... he is attached at the hip to his cell phone and is always texting his buddies, or emailing, or talking on the phone to them and yet he can go all day for 2 days without saying anything but a goodnight text. The ability is there, just feels like the interest is not.
Emilia Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 He likes to bring up our potential future together. He has indicated that he "thinks about marrying me" a lot and we have talked about me moving in. There are some other obstacles preventing that at this moment, but the truth is.... I worry I will smother him. If I feel like I've crowded him just be being around him for 10 days straight then hows it going to work moving in? I really don't know what to do... well aside from talking to him about all this, which I plan to. I don't know how to determine if we are a mismatch or if this can somehow be tweaked to be as good for me as he says it is for him. I want him to be more attentive... he is attached at the hip to his cell phone and is always texting his buddies, or emailing, or talking on the phone to them and yet he can go all day for 2 days without saying anything but a goodnight text. The ability is there, just feels like the interest is not. You shouldn't feel you are walking on eggshells around him and having to control yourself. Whatever you do, don't marry him, it will only get worse. Personally, I'd find someone more outgoing and sexier. I like men that wear their heart on their sleeve, relationships with them are usually much more rewarding
Author Appleanche Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 You shouldn't feel you are walking on eggshells around him and having to control yourself. Whatever you do, don't marry him, it will only get worse. Personally, I'd find someone more outgoing and sexier. I like men that wear their heart on their sleeve, relationships with them are usually much more rewarding He is outgoing, moreso than I am... I think that's part of the problem. I often feel like he is too busy for a gf, has too much of a life outside of me. It feels like he doesn't need me, and I've told him this. I want to feel needed in this relationship.. who wouldn't? I know I need to talk to him about this but I'm not even sure what to say so he will get it.
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