unreal Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I'm still new to this forum, but I've been reading alot of your posts and felt compelled to finally join in. I dated a girl for almost 3 years while in high school and early college. She was my first love and everything. I wasn't the best bf in the world at that time, I was young, naive and wanted to party but never did cheat on her. At the time she believe differently although I never did mess around. I just feel like at that time I didn't give as much as she did and I drove her away. My gf was absolutely the sweetest girl in the world and did everything in her power to make me happy. However, because of my immaturity, she broke it off with me. And rightfully so. I was heartbroke and devastated, but I moved on and dated others. But I could never stop thinking of her. Meanwhile, she met an older gentleman not long after our breakup whom she eventually married. Six years went by with no contact and I always missed her and knew that she was the one for me. But at the same time, I knew she was married and I could never have her again or tell her that I was sorry and wanted her back. Eventually, my mother ran into her at a shopping mall outside of town and began talking to her around a year ago. And they had planned on meeting up for dinner sometime because they always got along so well like a mother/daughter relationship. After my mother told me about it, I knew I had to do something if I was ever going to get this guilt out of my mind. So I wrote her an apology letter detailing my sorrow for not treating her the way I should have done. I told her that I knew she was married and that I expected nothing back from her, other than to clear my own guilt for all of these years. So my mother gave the letter to her, and in disbelief she had a bday card to give to my mom for me. Things were looking good. Soon thereafter, she contacted me back and told me that she still loved me and never quit thinking of me all of these years. So she decided to leave her husband and come back to me right away. She told me that things hadn't been right in the marriage anyways, and she never thought she could have me again and didn't want to lose a chance with me again. So she broke the marriage off. We started seeing each other as soon as papers were signed. And I must say, things were different this time, we still had the love yet it got stronger the longer we were together. She immediately started talking of moving in together and marriage along with the idea from the rest of my family. At first, I felt that I didn't want to rush it because I knew she just got out of a marriage recently and wanted to give it some more time before I made my move to commit officially. However, I started making plans to move for a new career out of state and she said that she wanted to go with me. After a year of dating and only a month from planning to move I was ready to ask her to move in together. I felt she was getting impatient for she had been telling me all along that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and loved me more than anything as a soulmate, yet the last few weeks she seemed distant. So I asked to move in together. Amazingly, she said, "NO, I don't think that is a good idea right now for me. I like being independent and on my own." I was stunned. I asked her about the move and possible career change in the next month or so, and she said she couldn't tell for sure if she would go or not. Then she tells me that she just doesn't miss me like she should whenever I'm not around and that she isn't sure that she feels as strongly about me or us as she used to. She indicates that "We shouldn't have to work so hard to make this happen" So I got upset and left but still wanted to work on things. I call her up and tell her that I don't want it to end for us. She tells me that she needs time to think and will call me in two days. So she calls me two days later and breaks up with me. She says that she needs to get her life together and figure out what she wants in life right now. And that she doesn't think that at this time in her life that she is ready for all of this. She told me that she still loves me and is still in love with me but isn't sure if we are meant to be together or not. She says that she can see it, but can't guarantee that she will come back to me or not. But as soon as she figures out things she will call me to let me know if it is going to be us or not. She says that she thinks there is a "good chance" that we could get back together but can't guarantee anything because "something just doesn't feel right" she says at this moment. Then she tells me that she can't even tell me how long it will take for her to figure this out and that she can't ask me to wait. Yet, she says there is no one else right now and she doesn't want to date, she just needs time for herself and she can't think with me around. So my question is, is this cold feet, signs of someone else or what? I'm confused
Author unreal Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 I really hope someone can help me out on this? I'm feeling so blue and I don't understand what happened yet. Or why or anything?
azgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Wow! You're right. It doesn't make any sense. This woman sounds like she is just playing with you. That's not good. The back and forth crap is hard to take. I'm going through it myself right now. I, too, have heard the famous "I'm not ready for this" line. Another crock of s***. Similar to the "I need to find myself" line that I have also heard. I'm not ready for this??? Are you kidding me??? What is "this" that you aren't ready for??? You just want to say "We have been doing 'this' for some time now? You were 'ready for this' last week, month, etc." Not "ready for this!" Give me a f****** break! I feel your pain. I am right there with you right now. All I can say is keep coming here when you need to talk. It's helped me a ton!
EC Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Well when I read this story it really touched me because I thought she would leave her husband and run to you and have a happy ending but then I thought " then why would he be asking for advice?" duh! But anyways.. it doesnt sound like if theres another person. Theres been times in my relationships that I have been confused and needed time away from the other person just to clear my mind. Not because there was somebody else or that I didnt feel the same, but simply because either something was missing or something was going on in my life and i couldnt deal with the relationship. Since i dont know her side of the story the only thing I can advise you is that if deep down in your heart you love this girl then wait for her. If she loves you too she will comeback and you will work it out. Give her some time. Maybe a week or longer. Dont pressure her to talk about it. When you call her talk about other things. Eventually she will sort things out and hopefully it will work out for the best. (fingers crossed) But from what you have written I dont think its anything to worry about like you said she probably has cold feet thats all. Remember she left her husband for you, I doubt theres anything wrong.
bluechocolate Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 So she decided to leave her husband and come back to me right away. That should have been a major warning sign right there. It sounds like you gave her the impetus to leave her marriage & then she realised that jumping straight into another relationship wasn't such a great idea after all. But she should have been upfront about it before dating you for a year. I'm afraid that you're just going to have to wait to hear from her. But don't put your life on hold while you're waiting. She can't tell you when she'll know & I'm sure she's not expecting that you'll just be available when she's made up her mind.
azgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Confused: I personally haven't ever needed time away from a partner to clear my head or sort through things in my life, but ... since you have I would like to ask you : How does that work?? Did you work things out with your partner or what? My bf is going through some major crap right now with his family and is basically giving me a rambling mess of reasons why he doesn't "want this anymore." And one of them is that he just wants to be by himself and sort some things out. Actually, there is a litany of excuses or reasons or whatever the crap you want to call them. But - did you work it out?? or not??
Author unreal Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd Well when I read this story it really touched me because I thought she would leave her husband and run to you and have a happy ending but then I thought " then why would he be asking for advice?" duh! But anyways.. it doesnt sound like if theres another person. Theres been times in my relationships that I have been confused and needed time away from the other person just to clear my mind. Not because there was somebody else or that I didnt feel the same, but simply because either something was missing or something was going on in my life and i couldnt deal with the relationship. Since i dont know her side of the story the only thing I can advise you is that if deep down in your heart you love this girl then wait for her. If she loves you too she will comeback and you will work it out. Give her some time. Maybe a week or longer. Dont pressure her to talk about it. When you call her talk about other things. Eventually she will sort things out and hopefully it will work out for the best. (fingers crossed) But from what you have written I dont think its anything to worry about like you said she probably has cold feet thats all. Remember she left her husband for you, I doubt theres anything wrong. I really hope that you are right about nothing to worry about. I truly love this girl with all of my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her. For some reason though, she doesn't seem to believe that I truly love her. She has said it before, but the more I've tried to make her believe she seems to not believe. Sure she says that she believes me after I re-ensure her, but she just keeps bringing it up from time to time. I even told her over and over again while we were breaking up that I loved her more than anything and she kept saying "I know, I believe you." But I don't think she does still. I don't know for sure what not to do (as in calling her) or what to do (as in waiting this out without contacting her until she contacts me)? I fear I will lose her again and this time forever. Going through that the first time was HELL, but going through it again for a second time is going to be far worse I'm afraid. It has been 3 days now and it seems to be getting worse for me with each passing day. I almost called her today just to hear her voice because I miss her soo much. But I'm trying to remain strong. I did send her a card yesterday in the mail telling her that I loved her and missed her.
Author unreal Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate So she decided to leave her husband and come back to me right away. That should have been a major warning sign right there. It sounds like you gave her the impetus to leave her marriage & then she realised that jumping straight into another relationship wasn't such a great idea after all. But she should have been upfront about it before dating you for a year. I'm afraid that you're just going to have to wait to hear from her. But don't put your life on hold while you're waiting. She can't tell you when she'll know & I'm sure she's not expecting that you'll just be available when she's made up her mind. Believe me, I've actually thought of that before. Because she has indicated how she hasn't been on her own in a long while and she has been with someone with little breaks in between me, the guy she married and back to me again. But for the life of me, I can't believe that she would walk away from me like that completely if she was still in love with me. I hope you aren't right.
Author unreal Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl Wow! You're right. It doesn't make any sense. This woman sounds like she is just playing with you. That's not good. The back and forth crap is hard to take. I'm going through it myself right now. I, too, have heard the famous "I'm not ready for this" line. Another crock of s***. Similar to the "I need to find myself" line that I have also heard. I'm not ready for this??? Are you kidding me??? What is "this" that you aren't ready for??? You just want to say "We have been doing 'this' for some time now? You were 'ready for this' last week, month, etc." Not "ready for this!" Give me a f****** break! I feel your pain. I am right there with you right now. All I can say is keep coming here when you need to talk. It's helped me a ton! I know what you are saying. Because everything seemed great as little as a month ago with her telling me how much she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Then the distant stuff started and I even caught myself saying "I love you" first alot of the time. She would say "I love you back" everytime, but still. She did admit when she was breaking up with me that she doesn't know what is wrong right now. And she said that she may have cold feet like I asked her, but wasn't sure?
azgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Well, I agree with some of the others. Maybe she just wants to take some time to herself because she went from one relationship to another so quickly. Maybe she doesn't want to make the same mistake with YOU as she did with her ex-husband. Maybe she just needs some time to be sure so that she doesn't hurt you down the road. That's respectable, right??
Author unreal Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl Well, I agree with some of the others. Maybe she just wants to take some time to herself because she went from one relationship to another so quickly. Maybe she doesn't want to make the same mistake with YOU as she did with her ex-husband. Maybe she just needs some time to be sure so that she doesn't hurt you down the road. That's respectable, right?? Yeah, it is respectable. She even said that if she doesn't do this now, things could get worse. I hope you are right and that my girl will come back to me. Because there is a good possibility that she won't. She even said, she cannot guarantee anything. I love her more than anything!
azgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I know what you mean. I love my guy more than anything, too. I would imagine him as my husband, I knew what I was going to say to him one day when we made it to the altar. I love him. He's telling me that "he's not going to change his mind." And I reply "How do you know that for sure? Two and a half months ago when you moved me in with you, you didn't think you'd feel this way now, so how do you know how you will feel in a month or so?" I get no response. I don't want to start crying. I've been dealing pretty well today, but now I am starting to get sad. Maybe if I don't bring things up and keep picking at these issues, he will think things through. I hope so. And I hope your girl clears her head and comes back to you.
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Originally posted by azgirl I know what you mean. I love my guy more than anything, too. I would imagine him as my husband, I knew what I was going to say to him one day when we made it to the altar. I love him. He's telling me that "he's not going to change his mind." And I reply "How do you know that for sure? Two and a half months ago when you moved me in with you, you didn't think you'd feel this way now, so how do you know how you will feel in a month or so?" I get no response. I don't want to start crying. I've been dealing pretty well today, but now I am starting to get sad. Maybe if I don't bring things up and keep picking at these issues, he will think things through. I hope so. And I hope your girl clears her head and comes back to you. I really hope that he does think things through. You seem like you REALLY care for him deeply. I'm sorry things aren't working out Maybe it would better for me to deal with if my girl just said that she wasn't in love with me. At least that way, I could try and force myself to move on because there would be no chance. But she tells me that she is in love with me and unsure of things. So now, I just have to wait and I think that makes it almost worse. And then when I ask what's wrong, what did I do? She is like, "You did nothing wrong, this is me this time. I don't know what's wrong?" So then I start blaming myself somehow.
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Oh man, today is rough! I've almost picked up the phone numerous times, but so far I haven't called. I'm scared to, yet at the same time I want to soo badly. I remember how she told me that when we broke up the first time 7 years ago, that she wished and wanted me to call her back after dumping me. But I never called her again or talked to her for 6 years. She told me then, that she didn't love me, but told me later that she lied wheb she said that because she felt that she had to end it somehow because of the way things were back then. She just didn't think I appreciated her or really loved her. I'm soo devastated, I only want her to believe me somehow. But I don't know what to do?
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Day 4 has been hell. I have a funny feeling she isn't coming back.
EC Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 Unreal Im so sorry. I know exactly what your going through.
azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 You will find, as I am, that each day is different. Some are hard, others not as much. I find I have a hard time in the morning. That's when I want to cry the most. As the day goes on and I talk about it and do some thinking, it gets better. I have come to accept that mine isn't coming back. And in the shape he's in right now, that is a good thing. Certainly I long to hear "I'm an idiot and I love you and want to make this work" but he is in a different place right now, I guess. Right now I just want him to treat me with some form of compassion and kindness. Instead, he is cold and bitter acting - towards ME! ????WTF??? I don't get it.
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 Well, I finally tried calling this evening to hear her voice and to ask her how things were going because I missed her. Sure enough, my luck she wasn't home, and knowing that my number would show on the caller Id, I had to leave a message. I tried the home phone and cell phone, so more than likely she may have been ignoring it. I feel worse than ever at this point since I called and still couldn't talk to her. At least something decent came out of it. In my message of telling her that I missed her and still loved her, I told her that I was sorry for the way I acted on the phone when we were breaking up. Basically, I humiliated myself begging her to not give up and to give it a chance to work on things. I also left another message later telling her that she didn't have to call me back or anything. And that I expected nothing from her since I know she needs time and space. I said that I am willing to wait on her until she figures things out since I love her soo much. At this point, I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not? I don't want to not contact her because she may think that I don't care. Who knows, I'm a mess right now!
azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 Aw! Just a little mess, but that's ok. Many of us on here are a mess right now, too! I would stop contacting her. Like with me. I need to learn to quit trying to get him to talk about things every time I see him. She knows you care about her. Don't belabor the point or you will lose dignity and pride. Show her that you can be strong with or without her. Sometimes we make ourselves look weak and pathetic by begging and pleading and just end up shooting ourselves in the foot. We accomplish the opposite of what we are trying to do. I know it's hard being without her and that the waiting game sucks, but you have no control of how she is feeling. Just give her some breathing room and be strong. She needs to see those qualities about you that she was attracted to in the beginning. So try your hardest to go on and function normally. I know it's hard. But it's all you can do right now. The more you try and contact her, the more you will end up pushing her away.
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 azgirl, you are right! I may have messed up, but I'm probably not thinking the way that I should be. I need to get it in my head that she isn't coming back and go from there. It is soo easy to blame yourself because they are breaking up with you. So naturally you think you did something wrong and want to fix it. So then you end up apologizing for everything, making a fool of yourself along the way and taking the full blame for the failure of the relationship. I think it is only natural, especially in my case, because I honestly didn't see it coming at all. So I thought that I did something wrong unknowingly. It does take two people to tango like someone on here earlier said. But the pride that I do have is that she is the one who isn't willing to work on this (so far). The first little problem we have and she ran away again. Maybe I need to start thinking that way from now on? I know there is a chance that things could work out afterall. But honestly, does any relationship ever work whenever the other partner says they need space and time apart and break it off for now? I'll bet it isn't good odds.
azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 unreal: The odds aren't good, if you ask me. I think that for the most part - it's a cop out. The "time and space" line. My guy told that to me in January, actually and things worked out for a while, but then here we are again. So, even if you do work things out again - mark my words - it'll happen again and you already stated that you couldn't handle it a third time. Right?? Neither could I, so even if he did come crawling back right now, I would have to think LONG and HARD about taking him back. And I doubt I would.
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 You are right. It would be a LONG and HARD thought of "Can I do this again and feel safe that she won't run away at any moment?".
azgirl Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 hey. sorry - took me a minute to get back to ya. sent you a longer message on the other thread.
Author unreal Posted May 28, 2004 Author Posted May 28, 2004 I just had to get offline for a minute. No big deal, I'm back.
Author unreal Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 azgirl, I have some new developments. I wrote a thread on the Feeling Alone thread.
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