eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) I've been pondering why my BF can say that he "loves" a female character in a TV show, but won't say the same thing about me, when I'm the one who's been sleeping next to him every night for the last 6 months. I think the reason is that I'm the female equivalent of a nice guy. Dating me is sooo easy. I come over with groceries, cook dinner, watch sports with him, put out. On the occasions we go out, I always pay my share. I don't complain when he wants to hang out with his friends, I don't ask him to hang out with mine, I don't instigate emotional conversations. What I initially thought was compatibility made it easy for me to be the best gf in the world to this guy... but now I am realizing he is probably so comfortable, there is no semblance of romance in our relationship. I'm not a challenge. At this rate I predict this will drag into one of those he's getting the milk for free type situations where he eventually leaves me for a btchier chick he's nuts about and marries her within 6 months. Am I right? Do guys appreciate "nice" girls, or, (as I have been told by many members of the gender), does everybody want what they can't have? Edited December 2, 2011 by eerie_reverie
johan Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 You can do all those things and be who you are and still be loved and appreciated, as long as you also have boundaries and stick up for yourself. It doesn't hurt to be at least a little bit demanding while you also giving, so he realizes what he puts into the relationship is important, too. He cant just be a lazy ass. And it could be that you'll find that how he is acting has nothing to do with you. Everything in the relationship doesn't hinge on what you do or don't do.
veggirl Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Your boyfriend views you as a FWB, it seems. Not because you made things "easy"...but...all the things you described sound like a FWB. Was there ever romance? I don't argue with my man, we watch sports, I take care of myself when we go out (well we switch off/on), I put out, etc...all the things you listed. But there is still plenty of romance, affection, cuddling, sweet words etc exchanged between us.
Casablanca Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Has he ever told you he loved you? If not, the "love" of the character is more a saying and he isnt in love with you yet. Are there any words of affection from him? Like you're beautiful, I like you, etc? Is he ever romantic with you? Pet names?
Lonely Ronin Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Am I right? Do guys appreciate "nice" girls, or, (as I have been told by many members of the gender), does everybody want what they can't have? Not all, but the ones that are normal do. I think you should start looking for another guy.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Has he ever told you he loved you? If not, the "love" of the character is more a saying and he isnt in love with you yet. Are there any words of affection from him? Like you're beautiful, I like you, etc? Is he ever romantic with you? Pet names? He has never said I love you. He calls me baby a lot, says I am sexy all the time and on occasion beautiful. He is pretty affectionate and we cuddle a lot but I have seen men in love and he is not in love with me.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 To give him some credit: -he is physically affectionate -he says he misses me -he says I'm a great gf -he says we make a great team -he appears to really like my company However guys my age... when they are really crazy about someone and see it as something serious, I know much more effort is made to make the other person happy. I think the situation is more complex because I am a closed-off, independent person. I don't "take" very well, which probably makes it hard to "give" me all those things I am then bitter about not receiving.
Casablanca Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 He has never said I love you. He calls me baby a lot, says I am sexy all the time and on occasion beautiful. He is pretty affectionate and we cuddle a lot but I have seen men in love and he is not in love with me. How long have you two been together? You mention that you've been spending the night or vice versa the last 6 months, is that how long you two have been together? Do you two see each other every day? Maybe he needs a little space. Also for some guys, it takes a long time to for them to fall in love with someone and guys show it in different ways.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 I also know guys are creatures of habit, perfectly content staying in relationship where they don't feel "it" for years. And I think I'm a hard person to feel "it" for. I just don't feel like I have much emotional depth to me anymore, I did once, but I think I've beat it out of myself, all my vulnerabilities. I am focused and happy and I have my siht together but that's about as deep as it gets; I am probably a tough person to fall in love with. Love is an emotional attachment and there's not much to bond with me about.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 How long have you two been together? You mention that you've been spending the night or vice versa the last 6 months, is that how long you two have been together? Do you two see each other every day? Maybe he needs a little space. Also for some guys, it takes a long time to for them to fall in love with someone and guys show it in different ways. We've been together 6 months... our relationship has consisted of near-daily sleepovers from the very beginning. I totally believe that it takes some guys longer to fall in love, but I feel like he's pretty much seen the whole show. If he doesn't love it yet, what will it take?
Casablanca Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 You do bring up a couple good points, though I've heard of guys going longer than a year before saying ILU and them still being together, but that seems to be the exception. I know after a couple months I start to have an idea and if I dont find myself falling for you then I'm not going to. Have you brought your feelings at all to him? Asked if you two are serious? Maybe not directly, but possibly dropping subtle hints like "im falling for you"; okay it isnt that subtle, but you can see what his reaction is? Some people may say dont bring it up at all, you'll scare him away...that will only be true if he really isnt interested in you, especially at this point. I'm not saying, go out and proclaim your love for him, want to have his kids, etc...but nothing wrong with asking or trying to see if he sees a future with the relationship.
DearAbby Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I think, perhaps at this point, if you bring up a discussion about where you stand and do not get the answer you are looking for, you are lucky to find out now, instead of six months from now. If you scare him away, then he's not the one for you and you can find someone who is for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I think the situation is more complex because I am a closed-off, independent person. I don't "take" very well, which probably makes it hard to "give" me all those things I am then bitter about not receiving. It took me a long time to figure out just how much men love to be needed, to make their woman's day. Let him know what you want, let him do it for you, and accept it with grace and gratitude. I don't hesitate to tell a man what I want, especially when he outright asks me, and I am rarely let down by how fired up they get to deliver. We've been together 6 months... our relationship has consisted of near-daily sleepovers from the very beginning. I totally believe that it takes some guys longer to fall in love, but I feel like he's pretty much seen the whole show. If he doesn't love it yet, what will it take? It sounds like you went almost immediately to a long-term couple arrangement. I've heard that, in general, the woman tends to fall in love when she's with the man feeling close and secure, and the man falls in love during the times they're apart and he misses her. If you've been seeing him almost every day, you're not giving him a chance to miss you at all. This means you've skipped a lot of the mystery and suspense and "chemistry" of the early phases, and gone straight to comfortable and settled. It's nice, but it's not very romantic. If I were in your situation, I'd get a bit more of my own thing going on, cut back on the time together a little and let things breathe.
Cee Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I don't think being too easygoing will make a devoted man take you for granted. I'm relaxed with my guy and it seems to make him more crazy about me. I think your man is giving as much as he is able. It is up to you whether that is enough. It is very hard to let go of sometime who gives you almost enough. Try to remember, you deserve better than that.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I do think that men like some difficulty. My bf seemed to fall in love with me when I became difficult. For the first 2 months, I was the perfect girl, chilled, didn't ask for much and he was on the fence and considering other options. The more demanding I got, the more he went out of his way to please me. I thought this will get me dumped but strangely enough he seemed to fall more and more in love. He even told me that he thinks he would get bored with a simpler girl. Nowdays, I switch between bitchy and nice (not on purpose, it just comes naturally to me - I am not the easiest person to get along with). It just makes him appreciate when I am being "nice" so much more.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 It took me a long time to figure out just how much men love to be needed, to make their woman's day. Let him know what you want, let him do it for you, and accept it with grace and gratitude. I don't hesitate to tell a man what I want, especially when he outright asks me, and I am rarely let down by how fired up they get to deliver. It sounds like you went almost immediately to a long-term couple arrangement. I've heard that, in general, the woman tends to fall in love when she's with the man feeling close and secure, and the man falls in love during the times they're apart and he misses her. If you've been seeing him almost every day, you're not giving him a chance to miss you at all. This means you've skipped a lot of the mystery and suspense and "chemistry" of the early phases, and gone straight to comfortable and settled. It's nice, but it's not very romantic. If I were in your situation, I'd get a bit more of my own thing going on, cut back on the time together a little and let things breathe. You are totally right on all counts. In hindsight i regret settling into an ltr so fast... But that's a lesson I can't seem to learn. I fall easily into comfortable habits and my bf was - is- comfortable. I also am aware that guys like feeling needed- I read somewhere once that when you do something nice for someone, it's like an emotional investment, and we then want to protect our investment. That makes sense I me, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to demand/ take. When someone does something nice for me I mostly just feel a ****ed up combo of guilty, undeserving, and indebted. I guess these are hings that I personally need to work on. Regarding doing my own thing more... Also good advice. Part of he reason j am feeling somewhat resentful right now is because I have inadvertently made a lot of sacrifices for this relationships where my lifestyle is concerned, while he's made none. I think it's time to refocus on those things. Today I did switch it up and went home rather than going over to his place. He offered to come over but hits a full house over here and I am dead tired after sustaining an injury running ten miles to clear my head. I said maybe tomorrow and he immediately propsed going out rather than doing our usual hanging out at his place, a good sign I think.
dasein Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Wouldn't change any of those giving behaviors just because your BF won't come out and say he loves you. If I ever had a woman do those kinds of things, would likely be married now. In fact, dump that guy and come on over to my house. I would say ILY daily to a woman who does those kinds of generous things. For about ten years, I resolved never to tell a woman I loved her unless it was to be followed with a wedding proposal, I was a bit naive way back then. Even so, have only said it to 5 women in my life and bet I'm much older than you or your BF. Is it possible he may have a similar attitude?
musemaj11 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Be nice to people, but dont be a doormat. No one likes a doormat. We all want someone we can respect. Give as much as you expect to get and expect to get as much as you give.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 That makes sense I me, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to demand/ take. When someone does something nice for me I mostly just feel a ****ed up combo of guilty, undeserving, and indebted. I guess these are hings that I personally need to work on. Yeah, I used to have some of that, too. What helps me is to take a step back and look at it on a wider plane. Biologically speaking, men were made to protect and please women. Most men want to adore and make life easier for their woman. In this relationship, you are that lucky woman. Asking and letting him do nice things for you is allowing destiny to unfold. I said maybe tomorrow and he immediately propsed going out rather than doing our usual hanging out at his place, a good sign I think. It's pretty staggering how these things go. The more demanding I got, the more he went out of his way to please me. I thought this will get me dumped but strangely enough he seemed to fall more and more in love. I have experienced the same. When I am cool and easy-going, they start to take me for granted. When I'm a handful, they are falling over themselves to please me. I see this in friends' relationships, too. I'm a sappy sweetie at heart, but I have learned that 95% of men love some bitchy mixed in with the sweet -- so I have adapted.
Els Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I don't think you should purposefully 'be a challenge', no. That sounds a whole lot like playing games. However, I do think you should be able to assert what you want, because you want it - not just to appear more difficult. Are you happy with what you are doing now? Do you genuinely enjoy cooking dinner everyday, watching sports with him and then putting out? If you aren't.. why are you doing it? Because you don't want to be 'difficult'? Therein lies the issue - you should be able to compromise, but a compromise isn't one-sided. That's called being a doormat.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 I don't think you should purposefully 'be a challenge', no. That sounds a whole lot like playing games. However, I do think you should be able to assert what you want, because you want it - not just to appear more difficult. Are you happy with what you are doing now? Do you genuinely enjoy cooking dinner everyday, watching sports with him and then putting out? If you aren't.. why are you doing it? Because you don't want to be 'difficult'? Therein lies the issue - you should be able to compromise, but a compromise isn't one-sided. That's called being a doormat. I'm not compromising by doing those things. The best part about our relationship for me is precisely those things. I love the daily life thing wih him. However because of his emotional distance I wonder if I view our lifestyle as compatibility while he views it as a passionless comfort zone. Where I feel like I compromise is going over to his place to do them much more often than he comes to mine, meeting new people ( a goal I had made right before we met that i quickly abandoned), and spending more time wih my friends. You are probably right that I need to speak up and ask for what i want. What h need right now is some assurance that emotionally we are in the same place. I just feel like I'm putting too many eggs in this basket.
johan Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Are you really off your meds, Spookie? Is that what this is about?
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Are you really off your meds, Spookie? Is that what this is about? I've never been on any meds. I used to smoke pot a lot but surprisingly mostly lost interest the last couple months. I will admit that I am pmsing tho and that always makes me pretty crazy.
jobaba Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Dating me is sooo easy. I come over with groceries, cook dinner, watch sports with him, put out. On the occasions we go out, I always pay my share. I don't complain when he wants to hang out with his friends, I don't ask him to hang out with mine, I don't instigate emotional conversations. Hilarious. You know, maybe he's just one of those emotionless guys. I have a buddy who never sings, dances, or gets emotional about anything except for sports. He might also not be that emotionally into you. It's just the way it is. Doesn't mean your not attractive or inadequate. He might think you're great but just doesn't feel the huge spark. Which by the way could be a good thing. A lot of times the real emotional relationships crash and burn and the practical ones are solid.
jobaba Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 He has never said I love you. He calls me baby a lot, says I am sexy all the time and on occasion beautiful. He is pretty affectionate and we cuddle a lot but I have seen men in love and he is not in love with me. That's presumptuous. Everybody has different definition of love and everybody has a different way of expressing it. Personally, I've said, "I love you" and had those gaga butterfly feelings for ONE woman. In retrospect, our relationship was anything but what I would currently define as love.
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