ditzchic Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Alright, I'm asking this because I often have a problem of just looking for a reason to write a guy off. I'm way too picky and I know that and trying to fix the problem of looking for "The perfect guy" because I know that if I do that I'll end up an old cat lady because no one is perfect So my problem... I went out for drinks with a guy that I've been out with a few times before. I like him but sometimes he comes across as kind of a pig (always talking about porn, past experiences with girls, etc etc etc) I know boys will be boys and I have no problem with him having a past or anything like that but I'm kind of old fashioned when it comes to the "courting". I have a pretty messed up sense of humor (think Lisa Lampanelli) and I'm cool with dirty jokes, swearing and all the like but I kinda think when you are trying to get someone to date you some things are just too personal. Save that junk for later after the person has already committed. lol. He has a habit of talking about his favorite porn stars and the things he'd like to do to them to me and whenever he does it I get highly annoyed. I've never said anything to him about it but it's pretty obvious I'm annoyed. I get quiet, I get the 'please shut the f*ck up' look. I even try and change the subject. He doesn't seem to pick up on the clues. Well while we were out for drinks that night, he kept doing that. I was ready to flip. But I didn't. Well we both ended up getting pretty tipsy that night and he walked me home. On the way home he started telling a story about what he and a bunch of his friends saw at a strip club one time. It was a super detailed story and basically him and his friends were acting like a bunch of disgusting pigs crumbling up dollar bills and trying to hit the girl in the face and stuff. Again, I'm perfectly cool with guys going to strip clubs, I'd just rather not know all the details. I nodded along sarcastically the whole time and when he ended the story I was like "Oh wow, your friends sound like a bunch of great guys." THEN. He starts another story about how another time they were slapping wet dollar bills onto some stripper's ass. He thought it was the funniest thing ever. At that point I had it. I straight up told him to please shut up. I told him he was acting like a pig and I'm not into pigs. I told him I was fine the rest of the way home. He followed me to my door anyway and I shut it in his face. The next day I texted him to tell him that I was sorry for being so rude but that he really needs to learn to pick up on the cues that I'm not entertained by his stories. I told him I don't care that he's a boy who does boy like things but I don't need to know all the dirty details. He replied that he was sorry for upsetting me but he gets really nervous around me and just keeps rambling and he will try and tone it down. I asked him why he gets so nervous around me, we are just hanging out for now and trying to get to know each other. There isn't anything to be nervous about. He said it's because he really likes me and is always wondering what I'm thinking about him and now that he knows he upset me, it will probably get worse. I don't know what to make of this... I mean, if you were trying to "impress" a girl you liked, wouldn't you not tell her how gross you are? I think most guys realize that girls don't want to hear about you with other women or strippers or your favorite porn stars or any of those things.... And know he thinks it will get worse???? I mean really, how can it get worse than that? Did I over-react about the strippers stories? Am I over-reacting now in thinking that I might just want to cut this one loose. Maybe it's a compatibility issue? Maybe he needs someone with a little less self-respect or something? I dunno. What do you guys make of it?
soulm8 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Did I over-react about the strippers stories? Am I over-reacting now in thinking that I might just want to cut this one loose. Maybe it's a compatibility issue? Maybe he needs someone with a little less self-respect or something? I dunno. What do you guys make of it? Porn, strippers and sex are his filler conversation for when he's nervous??? ... and you want him to "court" you? Isn't it kinda obvious that you're not compatible?
Carm Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Did I over-react about the strippers stories? Am I over-reacting now in thinking that I might just want to cut this one loose. Maybe it's a compatibility issue? Maybe he needs someone with a little less self-respect or something? I dunno. What do you guys make of it? This isn't even a close call. Any man who engages in that dialogue so early on would never have a chance with me. He's supposed to be putting his best foot forward, imagine his true colours once he lets his guard down. Don't for a minute buy into his statement about being nervous, bull****! The fact that you even questioned whether you over-reacted Ditz means that you should look at your own self-worth. I would never have sent him text apologizing for being rude, HE was the rude one.
Author ditzchic Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Porn, strippers and sex are his filler conversation for when he's nervous??? ... and you want him to "court" you? Isn't it kinda obvious that you're not compatible? I don't mean "courting" as in like the religious no touching, no fun kind. Just more or less that stage before you are like coupled up. Ya know, the 'why should we pick each other' stage. And yeah, your right. It is completely obvious that our styles our too different for it to go anywhere. What sucks is that, I think outside of that we really are compatible. We have lots of similar interests, the same sense of humor, the same lifestlye. We are almost the same person. Outside of the different sets of social skills. lol.
Carm Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Porn, strippers and sex are his filler conversation for when he's nervous??? ... and you want him to "court" you? Isn't it kinda obvious that you're not compatible? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Soul meant, i.e. "court" you as in date you before you're officially a couple. This guy wouldn't even be worth a second date.
WakeMeUp Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Look - he's not comfortable with you, that's why he's bringing up topics specifically designed to cause a bit of shock. It's like this: he's nervous around you (and maybe all women), to overcome this he's engaging in a certain kind of topic to prove to himself that he can talk to you about anything, you're just the innocent victim of his attempts to be more comfortable around women. Society is extremely tough on males. Women find it easy to say what they want (and media reinforces that a thousand fold). That puts huge pressures on some males to conform, which adds to their nervousness. Best thing is to move on, he needs to experience much more then just you in life before he becomes comfortable around women. And he needs more experience. .
soulm8 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I don't mean "courting" as in like the religious no touching, no fun kind. Just more or less that stage before you are like coupled up. Ya know, the 'why should we pick each other' stage. And yeah, your right. It is completely obvious that our styles our too different for it to go anywhere. What sucks is that, I think outside of that we really are compatible. We have lots of similar interests, the same sense of humor, the same lifestlye. We are almost the same person. Outside of the different sets of social skills. lol. Try to look further ahead while you're getting to know guys... if he's acting like this before you're a couple... how will be act once he feels he doesn't have to impress you any more? How will you feel about his porn usage, stripper escapades and blurted out sex stories (possibly about you)... You're almost the same person???
Author ditzchic Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Best thing is to move on, he needs to experience much more then just you in life before he becomes comfortable around women. And he needs more experience. . I'm definitely moving on. But. He's 28. And from the stories he's told me, he is PLENTY experienced. He's even lived with and bought a ring for a girl before. He never made it to popping the question though, I get that he's immature. Oh I get that. But I don't know if that's something more experience is going to change.
DearAbby Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I think you are better then all this. I think you need to cut him off and find someone who respects you more. I mean maybe he was nervous, but this would really turn me off, and think he just wants sex from me. I would be completely put off and on guard. Time to find someone else who you don't need to tell how to behave.
Author ditzchic Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Try to look further ahead while you're getting to know guys... if he's acting like this before you're a couple... how will be act once he feels he doesn't have to impress you any more? How will you feel about his porn usage, stripper escapades and blurted out sex stories (possibly about you)... You're almost the same person??? I mean our personalities are pretty similar. Don't get me wrong from this post. Just because I'm extremely bothered by his story telling, doesn't mean I'm a prude or stuffy and overly formal or anything like that. I'm just more modest about it. I know there is a time and place for everything. A concept he doesn't seem to grasp.
soulm8 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I just wanted to point out how you were generalizing... you can't (really) claim how similar you are, can you? How long have you known him? There's absolutely nothing prudish about your feelings. Based on what you've shared about this guy... I get the sense that he doesn't think very much of women (at all).
Author ditzchic Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 I just wanted to point out how you were generalizing... you can't (really) claim how similar you are, can you? How long have you known him? There's absolutely nothing prudish about your feelings. Based on what you've shared about this guy... I get the sense that he doesn't think very much of women (at all). You have a point. We've known each other through mutual friends for about 7 months and have been doing this casual hanging out together thing for about 2. But you're right. It's been too casual to really "know" each other. And I'm sure this difference in what we find to be acceptable conversation is just the tip of the iceberg of our differences.
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 You're more than justified to be put off
phineas Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 THEN. He starts another story about how another time they were slapping wet dollar bills onto some stripper's ass. With this sentence alone i'm honestly at a complete loss. Did he perchance suffer a head injury while on the date? or possibly it was a severe allergic reaction to something he was served? I mean wow. just wow.
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