confused112011 Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I was involved with a MM for almost 3 years was promised the world, was told he was getting a divorce, she contacted the atty recently, they lived under the same roof but had no communication unless about kids, work. I was always a little skeptical about the situation b/c of hte way it happened. Well this week it all hit the fan, she found out, the day she found out I told hiim I will leave right now just tell me and he said "no I don't want that" so the next day poof he was gone, told me he had to work on things at home, it's like I fell off the face of the earth. I spent these years not wanting to see, talk to anyone else and when I did he made me feel so guilty. I have went thru many emtions and yes I do realize she basically said stop your **** or you will not see your kids so he took the kids. I'm just so lost and think each day is getting a little better, I have so many questions that are not answered and you would think after that long he would have at least handled me a little different but the true MM comes out when this stuff happens. I have so many questions, do I tell her the truth if she calls me b/c he told me what he told her and it wasn't true... do i stop him if I see him on the road...I do not want to give her anymore pain than I already have, I am also in pain the SOB lied to each of us.
heartinlove Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Dont do anything but heal yourself. You have a part in this and you shouldn't reach out to either of them. If she calls you then you can tell her the whole truth. Chances are, he'll come back and you'll get a chance to talk to him. They pretty much always do from all the stories here.
spice4life Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Don't count on getting ANY of those questions answered. The truth is, he has faulty coping skills because he chose to cheat in the first place. If he doesn't have the courage to tell his wife the truth he certainly is not going to tell you the truth. I know it hurts right now, but yu will feel better with time. Focus on yourself and don't burden your mind with his marriage...that is between them.
2sunny Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 He was never planning to D. He lies She finally discovered you. He lies They were still having sex. He lies Expect him to wait a while - then contact you when she's no longer suspicious. Don't let him! Change all your contact info. Anyyhing he could/will say at this point will be more lies - all designed to bump you back in your old place. Life's too short, never settle! He's not the man you thought he could be!
stillafool Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 As far as getting your questions answered, you have to use your own 'common sense' because he will tell you nothing but lies. You are already witness to that. He tells you he loves you and when the sh-- hits the fan he throws you under the bus. After he is back in his wife's good graces he will contact you for a little more, don't trust him because as you can see he doesn't mean what he says. His wife is not interested in talking to you and I wouldn't bother her. Just spend time with your kids and start moving on.
18Years2Late Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Hi Confused...I hope your still reading...I posted this on your other thread in infidelity yesterday...just reposting in case you didn't see it...I'm glad you moved over here...welcome... I'm sorry your hurting OP...it sucks...trust me...I know...and we're definitely not alone...but it does get easier and I promise one day you'll wake up and say WTF did I ever see in that a$$clown...not to say you won't be sad and miss him and cry and get angry in the meantime but it's not crippling like it is right now...you might find more support over in the OW/OM section...that's where I belong...you can always come back here and read or participate as I do on occasion when you're feeling better about things...you will find it most helpful (one day) as I do to understand all sides of the triangle...but maybe not when the wounds are so fresh...reading about the hurt that you and MM caused the BS over here in this section will definitely help with no repeating patterns later...when you're ready... PLEASE don't get involved with "telling" BS anything...UNLESS she asks...if she asks questions...you answer them 100% truthfully...just the question...no more no less...DO NOT lie to her to protect your MM...he's not doing the same for you and she deserves the truth IF and ONLY IF she asks...if you contact her...the drama will ensue and may never stop...NEVER contact her first...could be used as evidence of harassment if she files a RO to keep you away from her H...walk away from him...he doesn't deserve you...cry...scream...punch walls...write nasty letters to him and burn them but never send them...then when you're ready move on with your dignity intact...
dn121 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 First I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know the pain you're feeling, I really do. But what I know is you are really vulnerable right now, which will set you up for another go-round when he decides to come knocking again. And he will, they all do. Please be strong!! It's been 10 months since xMM ended things. He actually tried to leave his marriage 3 times, and managed to actually leave twice. The first time lasted a month, and the 'guilt' drove him back. The second time he separated was this past January. He looked me in the eye, told me he loved me more than anything and that 'today is the first day of our future together". Two days later, he told me he couldn't do it and ended it. I still have no answers to my questions. I still haven't had an opportunity to explain my side of things to his wife. To her, I am a whore and she hates me. She told me as much in a voice mail the day they separated. He is now back in his marriage and has cut me out of his life like a cancer, like I never mattered in the least. His focus is on himself and his marriage. He is going to individual counseling as well as marriage counseling, doing tai chi, reading self help books, going to church and trying to 'be a better person". He has never once told me he was sorry for the pain he caused me. He has never once inquired as to how I was dealing with the loss. Because to him, I guess I got what was coming to me. I'm angry now, which is a lot better than how I was feeling 10 months ago or even 3 months ago. But my point is, don't wait for answers to your questions because they may never come. Cheaters are selfish human beings and only care about themselves. If it benefits him in some way to help you, he will. Otherwise he won't. Take care of YOU! ((hugs))
Author confused112011 Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Thank you everyone for all your posts. It's crazy on here you read these stories and think wait did I write that. I'm not a stupid girl, yes I know what I did was stupid and am NOT saying it was right at all but it takes two. I understand I will be the bad one to everyone who finds out about this. So far this has been very calm and quiet but I believe it's the quiet before the storm... I have been going crazy with my emotions trying to keep it all together very hard as you know. Today I was getting my kids on the bus and he passes doesn't even look in my direction, I was fine until that happened, I just thought to myself man I must be dead to this man who "loved" me, I sat last night and read all the messages he wrote me and got so angry thinking how the hell can someone lie so much I don't understand at all...then for this am to see him and basically I'm dead in his eyes I don't understand, I do understand he is not concerned with me one bit and is focusing on his "family". I asked him in hte beginning of this week do you want to stop b/c she knows something is up tell me right now and I will say good-bye right now and he said no, so stupid me I thought huh, well next day, see ya.... I know I will be running into both of them b/c it's a very small town. when I see him I just want to chase him and down beat him for what he has done but can't do that... I wonder does he think about me or is he just focused on his home life now. I don't know why I even think like this b/c he made his decision...
18Years2Late Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Thank you everyone for all your posts. It's crazy on here you read these stories and think wait did I write that. I'm not a stupid girl, yes I know what I did was stupid and am NOT saying it was right at all but it takes two. I understand I will be the bad one to everyone who finds out about this. So far this has been very calm and quiet but I believe it's the quiet before the storm... I have been going crazy with my emotions trying to keep it all together very hard as you know. Today I was getting my kids on the bus and he passes doesn't even look in my direction, I was fine until that happened, I just thought to myself man I must be dead to this man who "loved" me, I sat last night and read all the messages he wrote me and got so angry thinking how the hell can someone lie so much I don't understand at all...then for this am to see him and basically I'm dead in his eyes I don't understand, I do understand he is not concerned with me one bit and is focusing on his "family". I asked him in hte beginning of this week do you want to stop b/c she knows something is up tell me right now and I will say good-bye right now and he said no, so stupid me I thought huh, well next day, see ya.... I know I will be running into both of them b/c it's a very small town. when I see him I just want to chase him and down beat him for what he has done but can't do that... I wonder does he think about me or is he just focused on his home life now. I don't know why I even think like this b/c he made his decision... You have to know that this is probably hard for him too...I think you said you were in the A 2 years...that's a long time to "invest" in someone to just walk away and pretend "you're dead" instantly...unless he's a sociopath which I doubt...it's hard for him too...maybe that's why he didn't look at you...maybe there are things that "he feels" are more important than you right now (i.e. children, extended family, his job)...could be anything...but it DOESN'T mean he didn't love you or didn't mean what he said when he said it...all it means is that he decided that he couldn't follow thru with it for many different reasons...he probably misses you...he probably loves you...he probably realizes how much he's hurt you...and he doesn't want to face you b/c he's weak...but none of that matters...what matters is that you now know exactly who this man is...he's a coward, a liar, a cheater, and he's weak...AND...you don't want him...it hurts...but you will get over him...I promise...I'm proof...
frozensprouts Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 confused... is there really anything he, his wife etc. can say to you ( or you say to them) that will change things one iota? If you put off moving forward because you are waiting on him and anything he might have to say, you may well be waiting a long time, and is that being fair and kind to yourself? Will that help you feel better any faster? If you feel that you just can't move forward and that nothing you have tried is helping you, would consider getting some counseling, etc.?
stillafool Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Thank you everyone for all your posts. It's crazy on here you read these stories and think wait did I write that. I'm not a stupid girl, yes I know what I did was stupid and am NOT saying it was right at all but it takes two. I understand I will be the bad one to everyone who finds out about this. So far this has been very calm and quiet but I believe it's the quiet before the storm... I have been going crazy with my emotions trying to keep it all together very hard as you know. Today I was getting my kids on the bus and he passes doesn't even look in my direction, I was fine until that happened, I just thought to myself man I must be dead to this man who "loved" me, I sat last night and read all the messages he wrote me and got so angry thinking how the hell can someone lie so much I don't understand at all...then for this am to see him and basically I'm dead in his eyes I don't understand, I do understand he is not concerned with me one bit and is focusing on his "family". I asked him in hte beginning of this week do you want to stop b/c she knows something is up tell me right now and I will say good-bye right now and he said no, so stupid me I thought huh, well next day, see ya.... I know I will be running into both of them b/c it's a very small town. when I see him I just want to chase him and down beat him for what he has done but can't do that... I wonder does he think about me or is he just focused on his home life now. I don't know why I even think like this b/c he made his decision... Maybe in his fog he thought he was in love with you. It seems that nothing is as sobering to the BS as D-Day. When faced with losing their family they panic.
StrongerThanB4 Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I was involved with a MM for almost 3 years was promised the world, was told he was getting a divorce, she contacted the atty recently, they lived under the same roof but had no communication unless about kids, work. I was always a little skeptical about the situation b/c of hte way it happened. Well this week it all hit the fan, she found out, the day she found out I told hiim I will leave right now just tell me and he said "no I don't want that" so the next day poof he was gone, told me he had to work on things at home, it's like I fell off the face of the earth. I spent these years not wanting to see, talk to anyone else and when I did he made me feel so guilty. I have went thru many emtions and yes I do realize she basically said stop your **** or you will not see your kids so he took the kids.Typical for him to say...but for you to believe? Really??? You think she can just take the kids and thats it? Please dont tell me you believe this lie that comes out of the cheaters handbook. Yet another assumption of what was said between him and his wife! I'm just so lost and think each day is getting a little better, I have so many questions that are not answered and you would think after that long he would have at least handled me a little different but the true MM comes out when this stuff happens. I have so many questions, do I tell her the truth if she calls me b/c he told me what he told her and it wasn't true... do i stop him if I see him on the road...I do not want to give her anymore pain than I already have, I am also in pain the SOB lied to each of us. Yes he lied to the both of you but you knew that before getting involved with a married man right? You knew he would HAVE to lie in order to screw someone on the side right? You also know that most of what he told you about the divorce and living arrangements were lies too right? Why do OW have a hard time dealing with lies walking into an affair with someone who is OFFICIALLY telling you they are liars???
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