Great read on people with BPD. It may open your eyes. It did mine

[harvej]

This discovery stared with "downtowners" support and enlightenment. It gave me lots of answers to questions I had over my xGF. This and his input has pretty much convinced me that she suffered from BPD/BP. I knew she was diagnosed with BP, but BPD is even closer to the symptoms I endured.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever dated a woman with BPD?

Taken from another message board....

 

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Roger Melton,

M

.A.

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

 

Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.

 

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

 

At first, a Borderline female may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

 

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her."

 

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are

so

deeply focused on you.

 

Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

 

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

 

It will all seem

so

real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

 

Love: The Clinger Phase

 

Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more

so

when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

 

It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, ".... But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.

 

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

 

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

 

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

 

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

 

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

 

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.

 

The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.

 

But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored

so

you will not readily perceive it.

 

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

 

Love: The Hater Phase

 

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

 

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

 

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness.

[carhill]

Yep, thanks. This has always been the essence of what I, in my life prior to MC and learning more about psychological issues, called 'rubber band relationships' and 'letting me love her'.

 

It describes them so accurately that I can see the individual actions in my mind even though some are decades old. Scary.

 

Well, at least there's some peace now. Other white nights have prevailed.

 

I'll give credit to some who have tried, cognitively, to change their base psychological patterns, with varying degrees of success. Often, even with it, they 'fall off the wagon' and revert. It's not as bad as dealing with a schizophrenic, but wearing nonetheless.

Edited December 2, 2011 by carhill

[Lowib]

haha wow that sounds like my ex.

 

She was very clingy for so long and it annoyed the **** out of me. Then the power switched and I was fighting to get back to the clingy stage. But, she started hating everything I did, my job, attitude, and the big kicker was always "whats wrong, you seem mad".....blah blah....

[wilsonx]

Done this 2 times (I was able to walk away quickly from the first one as she hit me one day), the second one is why I am here, not fun...

 

But harvej, you missed what I quoted in your last post with downtown

 

Let me reiterate it

 

Originally Posted by Downtown

 

I caution that you should not spend so much time and energy on understanding your exGF that you neglect a far more important objective: understanding yourself (e.g., why you were so attracted to her and how you can prevent yourself from running right into the arms of another woman just like her).

 

 

Again, this is good information.

 

Now, reflect upon yourself and only yourself for redflags, nothing to do with her but you. Why are you attracted to her how can you prevent yourself from running right into the arms of another women just like her.

 

I will tell you what coming out of a relationship with someone like her, if your not paying attention, you will walk into another one.

 

I met one a few weeks ago and she quickly seduced me, I sat there and thought about it for a hot min and saw that cut marks where she use to cut, got up and walked away and havent looked back. I can list to you what in me attracts people like her and what in her attracts me. Now can you reflect and answer these questions?

[fucpcg]

WOW!

 

Its as if someone wrote this while observing my last relationship. Thaks for posting

[betterdeal]

What are you going to do with this information?

[harvej]

Thanks again. I really do like your candid advice as it did wake me up. I am much better than before.

Q: What I will do next time?

A: You better bet I will run her past you first! LOL!!

 

I am actually posting this stuff so I can see the others like you, provide examples and feedback. I made it to 49yrs and screwed the pooch on this one, but am much more aware of these types. How did the second latch on to you?

 

 

BTW, my xGF used to burn herself on the wrist with a hot knife. I saw marks on her wrist and asked her and she admitted it. I should have excused myself to her bathroom and crawled out the window. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but was a violent or angry shouting type. Believe it or not in just two weeks she has now moved in with the guy, with her daughter!! His obituary just may beat mien at that pace.

 

(PS, lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks exercising. Mind and body feel better).

[Zabs]

Glad you found the site Harvej...like I said there are loads of different forums on there and they actually have medical evidence re BPD etc so it gives supporters of such, a better idea of what they are dealing with and what to expect.

 

That site is where I started my research over a year ago..because before then it was like shooting in the dark. As I am sure the site recommends...a great book if you want to find out the dynamics of interpersonal relationships..."I hate you, please don't leave me" It was real helpful..although my ex has been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness not a personality disorder now.

 

Much love,

 

Zabs xx