Baerkuda Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Ok first the back story. Been together for 8yrs. 4 of those married. 4 kids total 2 with her and 2 from another marrage of hers but all that I love dearly. It was great in the begining and then well it got comfy. I would like to take this time to explain why she is leaving me. When it comes to how she wants to be loved and the things that i didn't see and/or understand. My ego my not wanting to open up to her, my not truly understading what she was trying to tell me for awhile now on her needs, my taking advantage of the fact that I thought she would just always bee there, my close mindedness to thinking that a marriage was going to be easy. These are the basic things there is alot of little details inbetween but these are the big points. About 2 months ago she told me it was over. At this point even though I was slowly starting to understand what she had been trying to tell me for awhile now, this began my awakening in fastforward. These emotions that I have,I have never felt before.These emotions/feelings began me on a journey(aka My awakening) This awakening has been filled with beauty and sorrow. I get to see and feel things that I didnt even know I could feel. When I try and explain it to my wife it's like only 1/2 of me was going on through this world but now I feel whole like alive. What I thought my wife needed wasn't even close to what she really needed. But now Im getting told that its not worth it. I must mention here that there is someone else that she is talking to shes bonding with him on an emotional level at this point. She gave me a time table to move out lik6 months so she could go back to school to be an STNA and get a job and we needed to get her a new car the mini van was on its last leg after all these things she is telling me its time to get out. Ok now with all this understanding it feeling and trully trully understanding how I messed this all up. And understanding that she has given me chance after chance to prove myself I still feel like this would be a true second chance only because of how I feel inside. She keeps telling me its not worth it. I know shes in pain because of me. I didn't understand what she was trying to tell me untill now. She tells me that shes to needy for me. I think Im just as needy as her I just never trully opened up to her to have her know that. This all boils down to where Im at right now she thinks a second chance is a long time out,That I agree with. But she says she doesn't think its going to happen she doesnt see it. She thinks if I hold on for her that Its just going to be all for nothing. I told her recently that I wasnt going to move out. I explained that I dont expect her to try yet and that I need the time to prove to her that I have changed. I told her I would not ask her to change anything she had going on. Right now she is very gaurded and well pushing me away all this I understand I have given her empty promises before so why should she believe me now. I told her she could even keep talking to this other guy...(even though it feels like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest and stabbed to death ) I told her I would stand right here and prove myself every day and be here untill she was with out a doubt that she wants nothing to do with me or shes willing to give it just one more shot. Its all Ill needed is 1 more. She lets me rub her back,feet,legs, even her butt alittle. She hasnt told me she doesn't love me any more just that she is taking a stand and the she is worrying about her noone else. She tells me that this other guy is a distraction for her. Through all this I have not challenged her. Once I started to except the fact that this is out of my controll and put the ball in her court and told her I would just sit here and wait for her,And that I have prayed alot to God that its in his hands and I have no controll I have come into this place of peace and calm. I dont throw up any more and I dont cry at a drop of a hat like almost all the time. She hasn't really responded to what I have said yet shes still soaking it all in. I trully feel that there is something there that we can build on. Im scared shes going to tell me to just leave and that Ill be on the out side looking in still waiting. I told I would wait for as long as it takes if thats what I have to do to prove to her so be it she says that its only a matter of time before I wont be able to wait any longer and want to move on. All that I understand is this awakening with all this new found insight to everything that I look at in life, that and thanks to God I have found this new strength that I didn't know I had. I trully believe that I can wait for as long as it takes. I miss her alot its hard when Im rubbing her back or something like that not to start to just kiss her like we where in a romatic movie but I have held back. I told her I stand here and wait for her, prove myself every day to her, and I would never make any move across these boundries that are up untill she tells me its ok to do so. I 100% put the ball in her court. This other guy is leaving his wife at this very same time. I really believe when the dust settles hes going to end up hurting her because hes just as messed up as my wife. I really believe that maybe im kidding myself but I want to be there when that happens to catch her. Please I would love to hear what you guys think Have I messed up so bad that Im srewed now? Is my new awakening to late that Im going to have to sit here on the outside with nowone to share this with? Anything that you guys can throw my way I would be greatful be honest Im a big boy I can take it. I would love for everyone to tell me there is some hope here but you guys be real with me Do I deserve a real second chance?
sardeen Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Reading this is kind of sad man, no offence. Youre rubbing her feet and treating her like a queen and telling her that she can be with another guy and once she is done with him, you will be waiting for her. You need to stop needing her so much and get some dignity because what you are doing is not going to end well. It seems she is playing you my friend. She left you and has made it clear she wants to be with someone else. Please leave with some dignity because reading what you are doing is quite depressing. Give her space, not just for her, but so you can work on self happiness.
Author Baerkuda Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 Like I said though its only talking. And yes Im doing all these nice thing as a way to prove that Im a changed man. I mean if theres a chance that is the only way if I dont prove to her that Ive changed shes not going to believe me so then theres no chance. Not only that we have 4 kids what am I teaching the kids if I just up and leave. Oh when things get bad just leave. I can't do that my family is worth trying to save at whatever cost so if its sad Im ok with that if it could possibly save my family. Not to mention that Im the cause of her behavor. It was my actions that lead her down this path. So if anything I deserve this.
Author Baerkuda Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) She needed me emotionaly and I didn't give that to her I didn't understand what she needed. I thought I did but it wasnt till she told me it was over did the peices seam to far together to make sense. I don't know why but it was what I needed to wake up. It just I cant leave my family. I took it for granted there for awhile and now I want the chance to make it up to my family with the new me in charge I believe I can do that. You have to undestand the kids are finally stable there all getting good grades there well behaved the ages are 11-9-7-4 They aren't going to understand. This is going to turn there world upside down and that is my fault do you understand why Im trying to make this work so hard? I love my wife more than anything in the world but you put kids into the mix holy crap I have to at least teach them that when things don't go your way that you must make a stand and fight. That feeling that you get when your with someone that you could take on the world well I don't have that right now and here comes the world. I trully believe that this is my first true test of being a man because this is not easy to do by any means. I pray. I pray alot something I really haven't done to much in my life and it has helped alot more then I have ever dreamed that it could. I wake every day in hopes that that day will be the day where I will finally take a step forward in all this so far nothing. She wasn't lieing when she told me that when she stopped showing me that she loved me that it was going to be tuff and that it will wear a person down but add the fact that she is talking to another man... now its like times ten. Edited December 5, 2011 by Baerkuda
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