thien_to Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Any insights out there are greatly appreciated whether positive or negative. My fiancee and I were supposed to get married this July. About a month and a hlaf ago, I started to get extremely anxious and nervous about the wedding. I sought help for the first time in my life from a proffessional. I spoke with a psychotherapist to try to figure things out. My fiancee and I started to talk about it and I let her know that about a year ago (we've been engaged for 2 years and living together for 3 years and dating off and on for 12 years) I went to a massage parlour. There was no intercourse but this in no way justifies my action. Needless to say she was devastated. We are going to the psychotherapist together. I see very clearly the reasons that made my betrayl of her possible. I am committed to changing myself. For once in my life I UNDERSTAND! This change is very exciting and I am looking forward to being a much better person. Now that a little of the history is out of the way. She feels just exhausted with the relationship. She feels that she has been putting 100% into the relationship for too long and she does not want to put anymore of herself into it. She will be moving to another city for another job with the same company in mid July. I don't want her to go. I know we can have a very strong relationship. I see the changes happening within myself already. I am committed to do what it takes to change. I love her completelty and she says she still loves me very much. She told me the words I am saying to her now, she needed a month ago. I could not say these things a month ago because I was still so confused myself. I know she sees the changes in me and the potential for 'us' but she still wants to move away and end the relationship. She does not know if we will or can get back together after she has had time to heal. She is not closing or opening that door. I just wish she would stay and we can work through this together. I am so confident that we can do it if only she would give me this opportunity. I know I do not have the right. I lost that right when I betrayed her.But how do I stand by as she leaves. I am trying to be supportive and help her pack, split the finances, etc. but I break down once in awhile and ask her to reconsider...to stay. A large part of why she wants to leave for a fresh start is that she feels that if she were to give ma another chance, she would feel humiliated. She would be allowing me to walk all over her. She is a very strong person and I have hurt her very deeply and completely. I just know that if she leaves, there is very little hope. I try to be realistic and say that I must respect and accept her descision. That the very least that I could give her is this respect and support that I have been negligent with in the past. I try to convince myself but when she tells me how much she loves me, I find my optimism for us soars. That optimism just comes crashing back down as she continues to pack and plan for her leave. I made a horrible mistake. I know I am on the right track to changing and truly understanding myself. I can be the person that she deserves.
Debster Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 This may be a regional thing - or this may be me being naieve - but I don't understand. What's the big deal about going for a massage? Unless of course, I'm misunderstanding the term massage parlour. When you say massage parlour - do you mean a rub and tug place?
Author thien_to Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 Yes it was a rub n tug place. I went in looking for excitement I felt was missing only to be thoroly disgusted with the experiance.
Debster Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Also, i'm a firm believer in 'if you love someone set them free...." tale. Don't try to stop her from following her dreams. She could resent you for it. If you really have what it takes together you would be able to survive a LDR until you can be reunited again. I think that if you are really that gung ho in proving you've changed and can make it work - why don't you move WITH her?
Author thien_to Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 She does not want me to move. It is not for her dream job. She currently isin her dream job but she want s to move for a fresh start.
Debster Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Well I definitely don't blame her for being hurt and pissed. IMO, going to a rub and tug is pretty similar to going to a prostitute. Plus calling off a wedding is bound to make her doubt your love and commitment to her and her rationale for staying with you. Basically, you destroyed a lot of trust and hurt her deeply. If you really want her back, you're going to have to SHOW it and EARN her trust and love back. Wanting her to change her goals/life for you is not the way to do that. Instead, support her and show her that you believe your love can withstand everything. Tell her you WILL be faithful and that you will either move to be with her and give you guys a fresh start or have a LDR.
Author thien_to Posted May 27, 2004 Author Posted May 27, 2004 She does not want a LDR or a fresh start for 'us'. She wants a fresh start for her to heal and only think of herself. She is just tired she says. I honestly think that wants to stay because the changes I have undergone are significant and I am proving (or trying to prove) everyday that I truly understand her now. I know there is alot more work I must do but this is very good start. The biggest thing holding her back from say "Yes I'll stay." is that her pride and self esteem has been badly beaten. She would feel humiliated if she were to 'give in' to my request. I just wish she would not let that cloud her judgement although I understand why she feels that.
Debster Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I guess our posts were done at the same time. If she is moving for a fresh start, then I think she has already made the decision that her future doesn't include you. Either that or she wants you to give her a sign that you do really care. I don't know her so you would be the best person to know which of the two she wants. If it is to leave you behind, I'm sorry. Try to learn from this experience though. Figure out what made you go to a rub n tug, and why you balked at the marriage. This will help you better understand yourself and that understanding might help you in future relationships. Good luck.
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