Cere Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I posted this in another part of the forum and was told to post here... Over a year ago I met a great woman. Outgoing, passionate, gorgeous, funny, albeit younger than me (14 years). We fell in love, we dated. Probably not long enough; 4 months; and got married. Since then, it has been a succession of real highs and real lows. Each time, I got back to her thinking things would get better, she'd be less jealous, less possessive (she wasn't either when we were dating), and didn't have to go through very intense arguments that left me really tired, and made me lose myself little by little. Then things calmed down, and got much better. However, it was very temporary, and a few weeks later, it started all over again. I do love her. She's a great woman. But I realize that I just can't be married to her because we are just not compatible. Forgive the cliche, but it's just not working (for me anyway) and I don't see an end to the ups and downs despite the numerous promises. I long for a relationship based on trust, kindness, stability, communication, support. Now, she is trying really hard, but it feels like what has happened before has taken everything I had in me (and despite the whining here, I am a very motivated, very perseverant man). But I think relationships should be simple, not exhausting. Am I just way off base?
PegNosePete Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Nobody can tell you what your feelings are. If you feel there is no future for the marriage then get a divorce and move on. If you think it can be fixed then go for it.
carhill Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Am I just way off base? Have you been married before? If not, in a LTR over two years? How did those dynamics go? If you had to pick one recurring argument, what would it be about? Share a positive attribute of your wife. It's really hard to know 'off-base' from an internet armchair, IMO. When we've seen one M, we've seen one. They're all different. If you do decide to divorce, IMO do it from a standpoint of clarity. You say you still love her and that she's a great woman. That's an impetus. A start. The next steps are up to you. Good luck
reboot Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Yes, you are way off base. Relationships are not simple. Marriages are hard work. Love is a decision as much as it is a feeling. People these days don't seem to understand that.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Your tale is similar to that of my previous GF, yes we were in love, and heading for the alter, but our relationship was a constant roller coaster ride. From out of the blue we would take a nose dive and she would proceed to turn almost everything I said around. I would tell her she looked nice today and her response would be "What you are saying is that I didn't look nice yesterday" I did figure out that when she gave me the "You men are all alike" statement that she was having a problem with her boss. Understanding was of little value as it meant we were on the outs for a week or more. During which time there was no talking about what was bothering her. After 6 years I gave up and moved away.
Author Cere Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Yes, you are way off base. Relationships are not simple. Marriages are hard work. Love is a decision as much as it is a feeling. People these days don't seem to understand that. Well, you can have your opinion and I can have mine. If marriage is hard work, then it's not the right marriage. I was married for 10 years before. It was never hard work. Maybe I should have passed away when she did.
Author Cere Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Thanks 2.50AG. Seems very similar and I've heard arguments of that nature multiple times. She was cheated on before and constantly makes these little comments.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Cere I agree marriage and relationships take work, and yes there are times that it takes hard work, death in the family, difficult financial times, etc. however if it is a constant hard work there is something wrong.
carhill Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 IMO, life and it's ups and downs either brings a couple closer together as a team or it tears them apart, generally based upon their elemental compatibility, which would include relationship, love, emotional and sexual styles. If those relationship bricks have synergy, it's really tough to tear the relationship down. If other, other. Respecting the 'seen one, seen one' dynamic I shared above, I was married for ten and we saw some 'tough life' during. Great lessons.
Shane Jimison Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Talk to your partner what you think about her and about your married life. May be by this discussion you will get a way through which your life become normal once again.
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