ate_the_paint Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Loveshack has been a fantastic resource for me for going on 4 years now. I had a bad break-up after my fiance was having an affair and found LS and everyone here really helped me get my feet back on the ground. Now I have to rant again I don't know if I'm being overly suspicious because of past trauma or if my new wife is being unfaithful, so I've decided to come back to LS and get some things off my chest. Feel free to comment. I went to Russia to teach English a year after the fallout with my ex. I fell in love with the country and the people and, in particular, an amazing Russian woman. She was (sorry..is) everything I wanted in a partner. We became great friends and lovers. We dated for a year, and then moved in together in Moscow, and then got married. We were together there for over 2 1/2 years! When my work visa expired I came back to Canada and applied to sponsor her for permanent residence in Canada. I started setting up a life for us here (job, car, etc). The visa process has taken 7-8 months but the other day she got her visa. When we were together in Moscow she was the most loving, kind, fun, generous and loyal girlfriend/wife I've ever had. Real life-partner material. I never once had anything to worry about and was secure in our relationship. Once we were apart, however, things changed. At first we were both sad but remained strong. We emailed, talked on skype, chatted, etc everyday. We sent each other mail in the post. I still didn't worry about anything for the first few months. Then she started hanging out with a guy from the office and his wife. They are both in an amateur Russian rock band and my wife started going to their concerts (in bars and clubs and things like that). Her attitude to me changed. I stopped getting emails every day and she started skipping out on meeting up online. Pictures of this one guy in the band, Anton, started showing up a lot on her facebook. Pictures of him alone, pictures of him with his friends...but none with him and her. She also "liked" almost every photo of him! She changed her profile pic from one of the two of us to one of her alone...in a bikini! When we did meet up online, however, she was often times happy and told me she loved me and missed me and discussed future plans with me. Other times she was angry or sad or depressed and withdrawn. I never knew what to expect. Then a picture of her and this Anton guy appeared, where they're dancing together at a club. They're not touching, and he's leaning in and talking into her ear, very obviously over the music. He started posting a bunch of songs on her wall, with names like "Don't have sex with your ex" and "Leave him and be with me". Now this Anton has a girlfriend, and I checked her facebook page and she's ranting about unfaithful men and "if it's meant to be it's meant to be" and that kind of stuff. Maybe she's a strange personality but it all seems too coincidental. I confronted my wife about it and told her that I was very uncomfortable with all this, but she got defensive and told me that I don't trust her and I'm controlling, and that if what I want is for her to sit alone and pine for me then fine, that's what she'll do. I told her I didn't want this but I don't like her hanging out with these men. She told me tough, she's not going to stop. After this Anton dissappeared from her facebook friends list. I checked his page and she's still listed as one of his friends. All his posts on my wife's page disappeared, so I suspect that she's hiding him from me (however, he can also set his security so nobody can see what he does, in which case my wife is faultless). Recently she got her visa and I'm heading off to Russia very shortly to spend Christmas with her, and then we're coming to Canada together to start our life together. She's very happy and excited about this, and about meeting up again in a few weeks in particular. She even started coming up with names for future kids! She's been loving and kind and happy all over again. I'm even getting daily emails again! The other day during a chat session she brought up a dream she had where she had sex with another man, and she said that is shows she is starving for sex and can't wait for me to be there. I laughed and said me too and she then brought up again, out of the blue, that I'm suddenly jealous and controlling. Then I found out that she's going to a banya (Russian sauna) with a group of friends, and by mistake she replied to one of his posts that showed up on her wall. I had to check his page. It said "At work and sick" and she wrote "Soon will be Saturday!" That's also the day of the trip to the sauna. No other indication that he's actually in the group going there, though. She told me that the group going is three married couples and herself. The fact that she is even still friends with this douche, when she knows it makes her husband uncomfortable, is disrespectful to me (in my opinion). I can understand that all her friends are married and started popping out babies, and this new group is fun and inclusive for her. But come on! At what point do you choose a group of wannabe rock stars over your marriage? Damn facebook! Damn governments and visas! My gut is screaming to me that I should be very suspicious. Because we're 11,000 km apart I only have her word and stupid facebook to go by, and half the content I need to see is blocked to me. I hope that I'm just reading too much into things and being overly suspicious because of my past experienced being burned, where I was completely blindsided by someone I trusted. Could this be the case? Or should I be worried?
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I hope that I'm just reading too much into things and being overly suspicious because of my past experienced being burned, where I was completely blindsided by someone I trusted. Could this be the case? Or should I be worried? Seriously... she is cheating. My xGF did the EXACT same things. I even caught them in a hotel together and she had the balls to claim they were just talking. Everything is the same from the no touch dancing pics, to meeting at work, to the guy having a GF... ect. All the same stuff man. Go with your gut. It may drive you nuts because there isn't any proof... but as long as she denies... you will never have it. Unless you hire a private investigator in Russia. I'm sorry man.... women do this **** all the time and just lie like hell about it.
phineas Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Very similar to my story. Except she claimed he was gay. I so wanted my wife not to be cheating that I actually fell for it. I've learned this, Trust my gut. If it's twinging something aint right (except my gut)
thatone Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 she wanted a visa, she got it. in soviet russia, marriage....bleh...nevermind
Ilovewater Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Her marriage to you should be her top priority not her new relationships with these men. She simply dismissed your concerns and accused you of being insecure. Why are you with someone who doesn't even respect your boundaries? I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your wife to spend that much time with another man. She's not putting effort into protecting the marriage at all. It's time to leave.
Author ate_the_paint Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 Thanks for your input, everybody. This is what is so great about this site. When you're in a fog, you can come here and get unbiased 3-party opinions. I'm not sure what to do next. My flights there are booked and I don't have anything concrete. I'm thinking of going there, seeing for myself what's up, and then proceeding with whatever action is necessary. Until she actually crosses the Canadian border, I can cancel the sponsorship of her visa. I do want to make clear that getting a visa was never the reason for marrying me for her. She would (have) gone with me regardless of what country I went to. It's hard enough for her to leave her family behind, and her mother wanted me to immigrate there! So let's not factor that in. This is not a "visa scam" situation.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I do want to make clear that getting a visa was never the reason for marrying me for her. She would (have) gone with me regardless of what country I went to. It's hard enough for her to leave her family behind, and her mother wanted me to immigrate there! So let's not factor that in. This is not a "visa scam" situation. My experience is that when women only want a visa... they don't mess around until it's safe. However, in your situation... I would say the prospect of leaving her life behind may have helped fuel any cheating situations. I only say that because it happened to a friend of mine from the Air Force who was in the exact same situation. Anyway... best of luck!
Ilovewater Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) I'm not sure what to do next. My flights there are booked and I don't have anything concrete. I'm thinking of going there, seeing for myself what's up, and then proceeding with whatever action is necessary. Until she actually crosses the Canadian border, I can cancel the sponsorship of her visa. Since your flights are already booked, you probably should go anyways to assess the situation. However, you should be cautious in getting back together with her (if you're planning to or she convinces you to) unless she can show that she's trustworthy! Put your foot down and let her know for the last time that what she's doing is unacceptable and inappropriate. If she's not willing to change now and you guys continue to be together, you can bet she'll exhibit the same behaviors somewhere down the road. Best of luck! I hope things get better for you. Edited December 2, 2011 by Ilovewater
Author ate_the_paint Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 I just remembered a few months back, when all this stuff with the band started, that my wife started saying I should have sex with another woman because she thought it was unhealthy for a man to go without sex for so long. Of course I refused! I think this is nonsense and know for a fact that I don't need to cheat to stay "healthy". On the flip-side, she has been sending me the occasional sexy pic of herself, and she is genuinely happy we'll be reunited in 2 weeks. Also, due to the old Soviet system, opposite-sex friends aren't that big of an issue in Russia. It is a cultural thing. The downside is that Russia is a very sexual and passionate place. However, men are still men and women are still women, and a marriage is as sacred there as it is here. As I think back through all the red flags, including some I haven't even bothered posting, I think I already have my answer without even having to snoop. Being so far away is very frustrating, and I can't place whether or not the separation has caused paranoia or if I should be genuinely concerned.
Bryanp Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 As someone else stated: She wants the visa and got it. I know that I am generalizing but this is so typical of Russian women. From first hand knowledge they talk about how they will do anything to get out of Russia and get permanent residence somewhere. When they get permanent residence they will file for divorce. It sounds like that you have been played. When she comes to Canada make sure she gets tested for STD's.
NervisPervis Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Next time you speak with her tell her how excited you are to meet all of her new friends and go see this new band of hers she's so excited about. See how she reacts. If she hedges on introducing her to her new life, she doesn't go to Canada with you. Then breath a BIG sigh of relief that you lef this mess 11,000 KM away from you as you search for someone who deserves you.
lululucy Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I'd give her some benefit of the doubt until you can assess the situation in person. Facebook is not a reliable resource for information. I would not be so quick to dismiss your entire relationship as her wanting a visa -- though I would not ignore your gut feelings either. It is possible that she caved to this man's constant pursuit of her, or it's possible that she is only his friend and doesn't want to hurt his feelings by turning him down harshly. I completely agree with NervisPervis: ask to meet all these people (in an excited way, not a suspicious way) and become involved with her life there while you're together. They won't be able to hide things if they are happening, but if they aren't you'll have your answer too.
DearAbby Posted December 18, 2011 Posted December 18, 2011 Don't ask to meet these people until you are face to face and can completely gauge her reaction. Not on the phone. You made the mistake about telling her what you saw on fb.. that is why she blocked you from her posts. The best thing to do would have been not say anything and keep up your researching until you had concrete proof. Your wife sounds like a shady character. This is exactly why I am trying to marry someone with a similar background to me. She's from a different country with a different culture and different morals and values.
g450 Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 What bothers me the most about the OPs posting is the photo change from her and him to her by herself in a bikini. That alone is a hugh red flag for me. And I came here two years ago after my wife of 23 years divorced me after she found her old high school lover on facebook and classmates.com so trust me when I say...trust your gut. Dont make the mistake I made though. It is best to keep all your suspicions to yourself until you have evidence something is going on with her. That's all I have to offer.
TheFinalWord Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I just remembered a few months back, when all this stuff with the band started, that my wife started saying I should have sex with another woman because she thought it was unhealthy for a man to go without sex for so long. Of course I refused! I think this is nonsense and know for a fact that I don't need to cheat to stay "healthy". What the? I would really question that logic. It sounds like she wants you to do it so she can justify her own actions. Shady is for sure. She should respect your wishes about her interactions with other men.
Chi townD Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Dude! Her telling you to sleep with other women is a BIG red flag there. Usually, a partner will only say this so the can ease there own guilt from what they've done. Sort of evening the playing field in the minds. She shouldn't feel guilty about sleeping with rocker wannabe, because you did the same thing! She how that works?
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