d8n0g Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Hello, I have been married for nine years and three weeks ago my wife said she wants a divorce. she say's she has never felt a connection (which is something, i feel, is untrue). I haven't been the best husband, I must admit but there has never been any cheating on my part. I have been blind to my wifes needs after for nine years and didn't realize it until she was done. My wife has had a hard life and is in therapy right now. Actually she was doing sand therapy and said she felt different after that session. Her therapist doesn't agree with what she is doing. In a nutshell she has never experienced any freedom and say's she wants to be selfish for now, and has nothing left to give anyone besides our daughter, and is seeing someone. She realizes that asking me to be her best friend is selfish. She thinks that if she lets me back in we'll be in the same spot in six months, and she doesn't trust me emotionally, and feels nothing for me romantically for me. I'm ashamed of myself for never loving my wife the way a woman should be loved, and I was never the spiritual leader in our relationship. I have seen the error of my ways and want to be a real husband-and yes it took me nine years! Will I truly redeem myself here by sticking by her side, and crying my eyes out, feeling ripped apart (feeling what she felt for 9 years)? Also, she says she's not filing papers out of respect for my feelings. We also have an adopted three year old who knows that there is something going on, and really feel sad that we can't be a true family unit. i'm not mr. Innocent but what she's doing doesnt sit right with me. The only thing that feels righ to me is to stand by her side and show support-is that pathetic or just someone who loves his wife unconditionally? I feel if i give her hell i'm only going to push her away. Right now she's sick and i'm taking care of her-that man isn't going to do that. Also, she said last night that she misses me and two days ago that she loves me. No one supports her in this and i feel like a fool for still loving her. I've seen it written all over her face that she still has feelings, and doesn't want to hear that our marriage is salvageable. This man is going through a divorce himself- Speaking of this man, she says he had nothing to do with out split and was after the fact. She get's so so angry that I've found God in my desperation, and that I acknowledge now what I wasn't giving her. My feelings are shame, regret, the deepest love that I have felt for anyone for her, and a real relationship with God. What can I do to show her That I've changed? when I was 17 I formed a dependency to marijuana and acid, and became an addict. Went to a shelter for help and got clean literally-haven't touched a drug for for 12-13 years. I was in the shower today and had a reflection of my lack of communication, and lack of intimacy, among other things through our marriage and realized that even though I'm clean-I still carry the behaviors. I've never cried so hard in my life, and literally felt a weight lifted off my chest. I thought I was going to vomit it hit me so hard, In the midst of losing my wife I've never had so many emotions and feelings, and I'm grateful for them. I am so ashamed for what I've done to her, and have put her through hell-I am probably feeling the same way she felt throughout. I haven't mentioned this discovery for many reasons, one being she needs actions!! We are still a family and are best friends-seriously. That being said. She still wants a divorce. "if we get back together I want a clean slate and have the wedding I've always wanted. If not I'll probably never marry again"-her words. I have formed a relationship with God, who has always been there but I wanted a relationship with him/her on my terms.She (wife) can't promise reconciliation for reasons of not wanting to be in limbo. So, I give her her space, don't pry, don't ask her where she is going, and give her respect. When I pray I hear (not audibly) "work on yourself, work on yourself, but don't lose faith, it'll be taken care of". I made a vow to God to always serve my wife-she will always be my wife in my eyes-meaning to not be unfaithful, or date but to work on myself. I am now stuck with the fact that our lack of connection/intimacy, and not giving meaningful answers, not doing all the things that loving husbands should do is the result of unattended addictive behaviors Any thoughts on this or guidance would be great!
jstobo Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I'm going through a divorce now. My STBX told me all the same things you are hearing now. I found a bunch of e-mails and texts between her and another man. All emotional, nothing physical. Well a year later, they are together. My advice on this is going to be more practical. I don't know what you and your Wife's financial situation is, but under 10 years married and over 10 years married makes a HUGE difference in support. If I was you, I would file for a legal separation ASAP. It does NOT mean you are for sure getting a divorce. But if you do end up divorcing, at least you will stay under the 10 year mark.
standtall Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Women seldom leave relationships unless there is. 1. Physical abuse 2. Drug/alcohol issues with one or both parties 3. Extreme verbal/emotional abuse. 4. Third party...another person. Starts off as an EA, and then turns into a PA. Choose one.
Baerkuda Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Not to sound mean but I thought I was the only idiot that didn't understand my wifes needs. Bud let me tell you that Im right there with you I am going through this exact same thing. About 2 months ago my wife told me it was over and that she just couldn't do it any more. We have been married for 4 yrs together for 8. 4 kids total. All the things that yor mentioned about how you are feeling are exactly how I feel. I had what I like to now call "the awakening" I to see the error of my was the pain that I caused her. I have been emotionaly all over the map. When she told me that there was someone else I freaked out even though nothing has happened. Now I still live in the house and have had to come to terms with all this. And like you have found a relationship with God. Every time I feel like im going to lose it or throw up because of the pain I just keep saying the ame prayer over and over. God its out of my controll there is nothing I can do its in your hands. I to have chosen to stay I explained to my wife that I will stay here she has all these walls up and boundries and I told her that that was fine keep those there I told her even that she could keep talking to this guy. And that I didn't care...(I do care it hurts everytime I think about it) but through all this I would stand right here and wait for her I would do everything in my power to prove myself every day no matter how little. Through all this I just keep repeating my self...."Im standing right here,waiting for you" After I began praying the next day this calm peace filled my heart I still find I have moments that I want to lose control, or every time her phone beeps because of a text from him but I caused her pain for a long time of having my head up my own @$$. I know that the ball is in her court and she knows it how this turns out depends on what she does. So no I dont think what you are doing is a bad thing. She has made her stand and now your making yours. If you wouldn't have found your awakening then this would be easy you would just go your seperate ways but you did have an awakening so like me your here now standing and waiting caring and trying to prove your self every day that you have changed and that your the man she needs you to be. Trust me I get everything your saying it makes me feel better alittle knowing that there is someone else out there that is going through this as well. Keep your head up focus on the kids try at all cost to remain calm. Im starting I think to get through to her ever since I have been given this peacful calmness from God. Hang in there bud your not alone. Think of it like your standing at a bus stop wait for the bus in the rain on the worse day of your life, guess who is standing next to you having that same day...ME lol. I hope this helps I know putting my story out there and admitting basiclly to the world that I messed this up kinda validates how I feel inside and makes me feel as though Im going down the right path.
Author d8n0g Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Not to sound mean but I thought I was the only idiot that didn't understand my wifes needs. Bud let me tell you that Im right there with you I am going through this exact same thing. About 2 months ago my wife told me it was over and that she just couldn't do it any more. We have been married for 4 yrs together for 8. 4 kids total. All the things that yor mentioned about how you are feeling are exactly how I feel. I had what I like to now call "the awakening" I to see the error of my was the pain that I caused her. I have been emotionaly all over the map. When she told me that there was someone else I freaked out even though nothing has happened. Now I still live in the house and have had to come to terms with all this. And like you have found a relationship with God. Every time I feel like im going to lose it or throw up because of the pain I just keep saying the ame prayer over and over. God its out of my controll there is nothing I can do its in your hands. I to have chosen to stay I explained to my wife that I will stay here she has all these walls up and boundries and I told her that that was fine keep those there I told her even that she could keep talking to this guy. And that I didn't care...(I do care it hurts everytime I think about it) but through all this I would stand right here and wait for her I would do everything in my power to prove myself every day no matter how little. Through all this I just keep repeating my self...."Im standing right here,waiting for you" After I began praying the next day this calm peace filled my heart I still find I have moments that I want to lose control, or every time her phone beeps because of a text from him but I caused her pain for a long time of having my head up my own @$$. I know that the ball is in her court and she knows it how this turns out depends on what she does. So no I dont think what you are doing is a bad thing. She has made her stand and now your making yours. If you wouldn't have found your awakening then this would be easy you would just go your seperate ways but you did have an awakening so like me your here now standing and waiting caring and trying to prove your self every day that you have changed and that your the man she needs you to be. Trust me I get everything your saying it makes me feel better alittle knowing that there is someone else out there that is going through this as well. Keep your head up focus on the kids try at all cost to remain calm. Im starting I think to get through to her ever since I have been given this peacful calmness from God. Hang in there bud your not alone. Think of it like your standing at a bus stop wait for the bus in the rain on the worse day of your life, guess who is standing next to you having that same day...ME lol. I hope this helps I know putting my story out there and admitting basiclly to the world that I messed this up kinda validates how I feel inside and makes me feel as though Im going down the right path. Thanks! all the cell beeps kill me too. I am working on myself, going to an Na meeting tomorrow (that'll be uncomfortable). Gonna carry on-she's still my wife As for Standtall-I have to say #4. Don't know if it's as simple as that but number 4 indeed
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