The Final Move (Important)

[ksmit]

CASH REWARD FOR DEEP/OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTORS

 

My question is very important to me so I'm putting it first if you don't want to read all the history. Based off my other thread, I've decided to give my coworker chick one more chance so I can know for sure whether to move on or not. I would rather take a rejection than wonder for the rest of my life what could have been if I had done something.

 

Next time I have a private conversation with her, I want to express the following, but don't know how best to encode/translate in a way that would sweep her off her feet. Since this will be my final move on her, PLEASE HELP WITH THIS so I can maximize my chances. If I can know I gave it my best shot, regardless to outcome I will be content.

 

• I realize the mistakes I made, sorry about them, and won't make them again
  
• I am capable of being the romantic she desires
  
• I want to start fresh with a new beginning
  
• I can be BOLD (tempted to surprise kiss her!)
  

This girl and I have never really had a serious conversation face to face, EVER. The relatively deeper topics were always via email. It was always safe small talk even including all our dates. After the recent drama however, I feel like the ice between us has finally broken.

 

Many thanks in advance.

 

History

 

In a nut shell, I was dating a coworker for a few months over the summer (4 dates). We were both really into each other, but I was always too nervous to make a move. Needless to say, she became frustrated and starting acting weird around me immediately the day after the 4th date (still no kiss/romance). I sensed trouble so I told her I liked her to dispel any doubts. Next time I asked her out, she flaked out on me.

 

About a week later, I message her in the evening saying I think we got off on the wrong foot and hope she'll let me take her out again (I know, lame thing to say). Next day, BAM, she surprise visits my desk in the AM with a sly smile all happy to see me (rarely visits). So I'm thinking great, she'll give me another shot. Throughout the week I start visiting her a lot, showing way too much affection, orbiting, etc (oops). I ask her for a simple walk one day and she makes an excuse not to. From then on, she cuts all communication with me with zero contact. We went from emailing, texting, talking, visiting virtually every day, to nothing for about 3 weeks.

 

I pass by her desk a few times (not to talk) and I can tell she's squeamish and very uncomfortable with my presence. Watery eyes and a very upset look on her face. It's like she feels incredibly awkward around me and doesn't know what to do or say. Or feels really bad for rejecting me cause I've been nothing but sweet to her. Regardless, there was a lot of drama and discomfort between us.

 

About a week later, I walk by her desk and she stops me to talk. She offers to make me a new recipe she discovered. I asked her how much she wanted for it jokingly and she said my "enjoyment" would be enough payment for her in a flirtatious/shy mannerism. For the following 2 days she was trying hard to please me while I regrettably kinda brushed her off. For the whole next month (which is today), she's been walking by my room trying to entice me several times a week and I keep ignoring her. I can guarantee she is going out of her way to get my attention. One of the times she even stopped in to talk.

 

Scroll back up to see my question. I want to find out what her intentions are in the most attractive manner in case she's willing to give me another chance.

[thatone]

a) you were not dating, you didn't even kiss the girl

b) you never asked her to do anything but take walks with you, which is why she's frustrated, i'm surprised she doesn't want you dead

c) you ask her out again and what is your best idea? another f*cking walk around the park

d) you haven't been 'sweet' to her, being around you is probably like pulling teeth

e) she gets fed up with waiting on you and takes some initiative and you ignore her, in your own words

 

this is a train wreck, man. you have screwed this up 10 ways from sunday.

 

there's nothing we can do. it's on you. we're not telling you how to fix a car or ride a bike or some such thing here. you're dealing with another person, does that register in your mind?

 

and your "cash reward" crap is about as lame as your walks are, to be honest.

[ksmit]

there's nothing we can do. it's on you. we're not telling you how to fix a car or ride a bike or some such thing here. you're dealing with another person, does that register in your mind?

Let's forget about the past. She's teasing me now and I want to capitalize on it. You always tell me I'm dealing with another person, what do you mean by that? Is that supposed to mean you can't help?

 

I'm a different person around her now. The ice has been broken for once and I want to move forward, even if it means getting rejected.

[Imajerk17]

Tell her that you want to go to go to lunch with her. And then at lunch, make your move.

 

My point: Action. No confessions. Actions instead.

[ksmit]

I like that idea. Keeps it cool and she would probably just assume we are going out as friends. What do you consider "making a move"? I presume getting physical with her in any way?

[Trovador]

I hate the Alpha and Beta male Krap, but you are the exact definition of the latter, this said with due respect of course...

 

Anyway, even if you do your move (that I doubt) and even if she responds in a positive way, you are for a living hell...

 

As a hardened "romance at the workplace" veteran, my honest advice is forget her and do nothing (something you seem very adept to) about her...

 

Look for some other women, get interested in other women, date other women... avoid absurd drama and serious trouble for her... and maybe yourself...

[ditzchic]

Sorry guy but I don't think she's interested. Four dates and no moves at all?? The girl would be insane to go out with you again. Even if she is slightly off her rocker and agrees, I sincerely doubt it would end well. In fact, I'm 90% sure it will end in a train wreck. Seems like there is a huge compatibility issue here when neither of you are willing to make even the first move and you both have already showed signs of passive aggression.

 

You have to see this girl at the office everyday. I'm a huge proponent of no risk, no reward but the job market is tight right now. Don't sh*t where you eat.

[ksmit]

It's complicated between us, to say the least. If she's flirting with me again, I think it's still worth a shot. If there's even a 5% chance she's willing to give me a chance, hell, it's worth it. I know I'm not in the best situation, so perhaps I will just feel her out some more to see what her real intentions are.

 

Thanks for replies.

[jobaba]

 

I'm a different person around her now. The ice has been broken for once and I want to move forward, even if it means getting rejected.

 

In my eyes, you already have been rejected. But you can always take if further. That's how restraining orders come about. Joking. I understand ... you want closure.

 

Yea, she probably won't go on a date with you again, and the mood to 'kiss her' doesn't seem to be there, so I suggest this. Use some chicanery to get her outside or in a secluded place one on one and say something like,

 

"Listen, I know things have been a little weird between us lately, but that's just because I've had a lot of things going on in my life. I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you lately. If you don't feel the same way, I just need to know so I can get it out of my head. I know you probably feel uncomfortable but give me a straight answer if you could. I don't need to know why. Just give me a yes or no."

 

That should give you the answer you need.

 

By the way, in the movies, she'll jump up and start kissing you.

[ksmit]

etc

Now this is the kind of response I've been looking for. How to communicate with her. Thanks a lot jobaba.

 

I know most of you think I should just give up on her, but honestly, if I did I would be driving myself nuts until I find another girl wondering what could have been.

[ditzchic]

Now this is the kind of response I've been looking for. How to communicate with her. Thanks a lot jobaba.

 

I know most of you think I should just give up on her, but honestly, if I did I would be driving myself nuts until I find another girl wondering what could have been.

 

 

But honestly ksmit, you've messed it up already. You're already driving yourself nuts. The chances are very very slim that she will be open to another date and even if she is the chances are the damage has already been done. Once you've acquired a sour taste for someone it's really hard to unsour.

 

I predict what's going to happen is you ask her, you get rejected. She's probably pretty annoyed with you at this point so there's a chance she might straight up tell you you blew it. You're going to drive yourself nuts wondering what could have been if only you didn't screw up. You've already started the process of detachment and moving on. Don't impede forward progress.

 

And have you ever considered that maybe it isn't a good idea to badger someone you work with? I know you technically aren't doing anything creepy or wrong but what happens if a rumor gets started or HR is notified.

 

Just let it go.

[ksmit]

But honestly ksmit, you've messed it up already. You're already driving yourself nuts. The chances are very very slim that she will be open to another date and even if she is the chances are the damage has already been done.

Yes I've made mistakes, but maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. I could see if she was ignoring me or just being friendly, but she's not. She's deliberately going out of her way to see and flirt with me at work. Judging her recent behavior, it sounds like she might be teasing me to see if I can finally man up. If anything SHE'S the one who probably feels like she ruined her chances with ME because I've been ignoring all her flirtatious attempts.

 

Flirting with me without romantic interest is playing with fire. If she wasn't into me, she would only be setting herself up for more awkwardness if she was to reject me again. She does NOT enjoy rejecting me, trust me.

[ditzchic]

Yes I've made mistakes, but maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. I could see if she was ignoring me or just being friendly, but she's not. She's deliberately going out of her way to see and flirt with me at work. Judging her recent behavior, it sounds like she might be teasing me to see if I can finally man up. If anything SHE'S the one who probably feels like she ruined her chances with ME because I've been ignoring all her flirtatious attempts.

 

Flirting with me without romantic interest is playing with fire. If she wasn't into me, she would only be setting herself up for more awkwardness if she was to reject me again. She does NOT enjoy rejecting me, trust me.

 

 

Or... she's doing the typical girl move of showing you what you can't have. Her walking by your office isn't flirting. It's posturing.

 

When girls are "chasing", we tend to be very obvious about it. If she were chasing you there would be no doubts in your mind.

[ksmit]

ditzchic, I don't think she's teasing me just to be mean. It doesn't add up at all. She would be taking the risk of having me pursue her again which ONLY makes HER uncomfortable. We work in the same building. I even know her Mom for fk's sake!

[ditzchic]

ditzchic, I don't think she's teasing me just to be mean. It doesn't add up at all. She would be taking the risk of having me pursue her again which ONLY makes HER uncomfortable. We work in the same building. I even know her Mom for fk's sake!

 

You've been out on 4 dates. It's not like she still has to play coy anymore. If she wanted you she would let you know. Directly.

 

Write it off.

 

If she really wants you, she will come to you. Trust me. Do nothing.

[smackie9]

Dude if you are so sure of what you are going to do, why are you even on here telling us about it...it's pretty straight forward stuff here. From what I can see you are all talk and no action...you have 0 for confidence. If she gave you another chance we all know you are going to fall back onto your insecure ways a f uck it up just like before. So until you actually have any balls to have a normal relationship that isn't played out in your head, you should do her a favor by leaving her alone.

[jobaba]

But honestly ksmit, you've messed it up already. You're already driving yourself nuts. The chances are very very slim that she will be open to another date and even if she is the chances are the damage has already been done. Once you've acquired a sour taste for someone it's really hard to unsour.

 

I predict what's going to happen is you ask her, you get rejected. She's probably pretty annoyed with you at this point so there's a chance she might straight up tell you you blew it. You're going to drive yourself nuts wondering what could have been if only you didn't screw up. You've already started the process of detachment and moving on. Don't impede forward progress.

 

And have you ever considered that maybe it isn't a good idea to badger someone you work with? I know you technically aren't doing anything creepy or wrong but what happens if a rumor gets started or HR is notified.

 

Just let it go.

 

As a well adjusted woman, you may not understand the mind of the inexperienced, lovelorn man.

 

At this point, he needs closure. He never got a 'definitive rejection'. So, in his mind he will always have a chance. He needs to close that window before he can move on. Especially because he is going to see her all the time.

 

This is the dynamic of unrequited love. On one end, a man who is thinking about a woman intensely day in and day out. He realizes he can probably never be with her, but just needs to know for sure before he can move on with his life. On the other, a woman who could probably care less if ksmit dropped dead to be honest.

 

If ksmit could grasp that concept, then he'd be better off. Until then, closure is what he needs.

[ksmit]

I just discovered she has the next few weeks off. Talk about horrible timing. Therefore I'm just going to ask her out for a casual drink to get my answer. Simple.

 

How's this sound, "Hey, was just thinking of you. Let's go out for a drink tomorrow afternoon." Any ideas? I want to get this over with today.

 

Or simpler.

 

"Let's grab a drink tomorrow. 1PM."

Edited December 2, 2011 by ksmit

[jobaba]

I just discovered she has the next few weeks off. Talk about horrible timing. Therefore I'm just going to ask her out for a casual drink to get my answer. Simple.

 

How's this sound, "Hey, was just thinking of you. Let's go out for a drink tomorrow afternoon." Any ideas? I want to get this over with today.

 

Or simpler.

 

"Let's grab a drink tomorrow. 1PM."

 

You need to MAN UP!

 

You need to not ask advice online from a bunch of strangers like the consequences of what happens between you and one random stupid b@tch is important. Are you aware of how cool many women there are out there in Seattle, WA?

 

Go talk to her, get rejected, and then use that energy to hit the bars tonight and talk to some girls...

[ksmit]

If I'm going to ask her out for "THE" final time. I want to do it right. Give me a break.

 

Give me some examples of how to ask her out at this critical moment.

[ksmit]

At this point, he needs closure. He never got a 'definitive rejection'. So, in his mind he will always have a chance. He needs to close that window before he can move on. Especially because he is going to see her all the time.

It's her recent behavior that has made me want to take action again. Not just wishful thinking. She's been trying very hard to get my attention.

[jobaba]

It's her recent behavior that has made me want to take action again. Not just wishful thinking. She's been trying very hard to get my attention.

 

OK, do this...

 

Go up to her cubicle or office and say (without pausing or giving her a chance to speak),

 

"Hey. I noticed you've been flirting with me lately. Well, you know I've always kind of had a thing for you. I'm GOING TO TAKE YOU OUT THIS WEEKEND. Tomorrow. 1 PM."

 

She may be so flabbergasted by the 180 degree of your previous wussy behavior, she may say yes in the spur of the moment.

 

If people around her cubicle can hear, then pull her aside somewhere else.

[jobaba]

From her point of view, she is offering you some friendship/"emotional scraps" in the hopes that this will "satisfy" you and you will stop fantasizing about her as the object of your great romance which plays out only in your head. Remember she really doesn't have a choice since you work together--better to bake you some cookies and be nice to you then have to cause trouble for you, and herself, at work, with the police, and so on.

 

Emotional scraps. Ha. I love this guy.

[ksmit]

If she actually is interested in you, then the purpose of her telling about a recipe would be to cook for you, since this is a common way for women to express interest in a man. It also gets you to her place, which is conducive for romance.

I totally didn't see it that way. Goddammit. I regret brushing her off when she offered. Oops, LOL!

 

I have the feeling you probably misinterpreted her though, she just wants to bake you cookies so you'll leave her alone.

Oh I already had been ignoring her for weeks. I had to walk by her desk one day and SHE'S the one who stopped me so she could make her offer. I didn't want to talk to her.

[ksmit]

Excellent response. Thanks!