Exactamundo Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 So my girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 11 weeks. We're both in our early-mid 20s. Basically I've slowly come to the realization that I need to break it off with her. She's great, we get along great, there's physical attraction, but for a variety of reasons it doesn't feel right for me. She's VERY into me, and definitely hasn't noticed any of the hints that I'm not feeling it as much. She has NO idea I feel this way. She's very emotionally sensitive so I've been dreading doing this. I've dragged it out extra weeks because I really don't want to hurt her. I'd rather get a root canal than break up with a girl I don't want to hurt. She definitely constantly tells all her friends and family how great I am agggh. I think I've been in denial (maybe I'll start to feel this is right!), but I need to do this ASAP because it's only going to get worse for her. I feel that soon is the time so if she takes it extremely badly she will have the support of her family over the holidays. Basically do you think it's better to just spring it, no warning. Rip it off like a band-aid? I actually went to do this a few weeks ago, but she started telling me how wonderful it is that I'm in her life and how I'm the thing that makes the rest of the stress bearable right as I was about to do it. I buckled and couldn't do it. The other option I suppose is a "warning shot". Maybe a call/text a few days before saying "Can we meet on Saturday, I'd like to talk about something". I'm sure that'd give her some preparation, but she has severe anxiety problems, so I feel like that might make it worse for her since she'll be a quivering mess and still have to go through the face to face break up. Any advice for people that have done this, had it done to them? This has been tearing me up inside. I don't mind being broken up with that much (it wasn't meant to be, whatever), but breaking someone's heart absolutely kills me, so I really want to blunt the blow as much as possible. Another issue is where to do it. I don't think she'll go crazy (I hope), but there will be a lot of crying, and I don't want to embarrass her. That pretty much rules out a public place, and her apartment since her roommate will be right there. I don't want to do it at my place because it's quite a long drive. Basically I feel that I need to do it in my car as I'm picking her up or dropping her off. It's a fairly public place, but she'll have the privacy to vent and cry. I feel like the car is weird though, does anybody even ever do that? I certainly appreciate any advice.
Emilia Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Have you had a conversation at all about how the relationship was going?
Sugarkane Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Just don't do what my jerk of an ex did: dump her by text and refuse to meet her or give her any answers. Then call her a crazy and blame the whole breakup on her. If you do she'll always have this story about this complete Ahole who brokeup with her. Don't be that guy.
Author Exactamundo Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Have you had a conversation at all about how the relationship was going? No not at all really. She kind of confronted me about not sharing my feelings more, but we haven't spelled anything out. She always talks like we're going to be together forever though. Talking about distant trips and meeting family, that sort of thing. I've steered well clear of that though, because I wanted to be sure before I gave that impression. Just don't do what my jerk of an ex did: dump her by text and refuse to meet her or give her any answers. Then call her a crazy and blame the whole breakup on her. If you do she'll always have this story about this complete Ahole who brokeup with her. Don't be that guy. Well I certainly won't do that. I think any girl a guy really cares about deserves the respect and closure of a face to face meeting. I want her to leave the relationship with self esteem intact, and realize it's not her fault at all.
phillyfan Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Dude ur a good guy thinkin it ova like ths. Yea the car is a gud idea, wen u drop her off. Tel her there aint noone else, tht shes the coolest hottest girl eva but tht u know it aint rite btween u, uve been sure 4 a wile now but bcos she is such a sweetie u didnt say nothin 4 a wile. Brake ups suck it aint ur fault u dont like her enuf dude. But yea a bit of preparasion mite be gud so shes knows its comin, like a bit of a slow fade 4 a few days, cancel a date or 2, thn tel her.
Author Exactamundo Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Dude ur a good guy thinkin it ova like ths. Yea the car is a gud idea, wen u drop her off. Tel her there aint noone else, tht shes the coolest hottest girl eva but tht u know it aint rite btween u, uve been sure 4 a wile now but bcos she is such a sweetie u didnt say nothin 4 a wile. Brake ups suck it aint ur fault u dont like her enuf dude. But yea a bit of preparasion mite be gud so shes knows its comin, like a bit of a slow fade 4 a few days, cancel a date or 2, thn tel her. Thanks man I appreciate it. That seems like really good advice. That's pretty much how I plan on telling her. I should try the slow fade a few days before. She texts me all day every day, so she would definitely tell something is up. Yeah this one is just particularly hard for me because she's the sweetest girl I've ever dated and hasn't done anything wrong at all, it's just not meant to be I guess.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) So my girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 11 weeks. We're both in our early-mid 20s. Basically I've slowly come to the realization that I need to break it off with her. She's great, we get along great, there's physical attraction, but for a variety of reasons it doesn't feel right for me. First of all, you are full of sh*t. If all of the above was true, you wouldn't be breaking up with her for unspecified "other" reasons. I'm willing to bet that in reality, she's not that good looking and that you slept with her because you were a bit desperate at the time (and perhaps drunk) and that you somehow let her turn that one night into a "relationship" (because you didn't have the guts to deal with her). That pretty much rules out a public place, and her apartment since her roommate will be right there. I don't want to do it at my place because it's quite a long drive. Basically I feel that I need to do it in my car as I'm picking her up or dropping her off. Dude, don't do it in your car! What if she refuses to leave? What if someone sees her crying and calls the cops thinking you are abusing her or something? What if she goes nuts and starts ruining your upholstery? Don't break up with her in person. Just call her up and say that it's over and tell her you're very sorry but you already made a non-refundable deposit on a very expensive mail order bride that's coming in next week. Edited December 1, 2011 by Feelsgoodman
ditzchic Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Do it now and do it quick. I dated a guy that let it fester for awhile and it caused nothing but more heartache for the both of us. He was going through the motions and I could tell but his words and his actions didn't match up which frustrated me, which made me act frustrated with him, which made him more frustrated with me. The break up wasn't exactly messy but it wasn't pretty either. We both avoid each other like the plague now. I would say that you don't really owe her a face to face, although it would be nice, since 11 weeks isn't that long. I'm sure you guys weren't super serious at that length. Definitely don't do it by text though. Give her a call when you know she isn't busy. She might ask to meet up or she might hang up the phone and be done with you. If she asks to meet up you can decide then if you'd like to.
Onlyjonley Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 What are some of the hints she hasn't picked up on to know that you're doubting things? Definitely don't draw it out any longer. I have told my boyfriend if he ever decides he wants out of our relationship.. to end it as soon as possible. I'd rather have a broken heart for awhile and then move on to meet someone who actually wants to be with me.
Author Exactamundo Posted December 2, 2011 Author Posted December 2, 2011 First of all, you are full of sh*t. If all of the above was true, you wouldn't be breaking up with her for unspecified "other" reasons. I'm willing to bet that in reality, she's not that good looking and that you slept with her because you were a bit desperate at the time (and perhaps drunk) and that you somehow let her turn that one night into a "relationship" (because you didn't have the guts to deal with her). Not quite, but a legit guess. I met her on a dating website initially. I met her in person and we hit it off really great. I got at least a month in before I started to feel like I wasn't feeling as strongly as I should. The problem is that even though I think she's very sexy (and a lot of guys seem to) she's simply not my type. I didn't think I had a type, but I realize I do now. It sucks to say but after some soul searching I think the reason I'm not excited about the relationship is because I'm more physically attracted to another type of girl, so I start to feel regret when I see these girls. It's wrong for me to stay in a relationship while I have these feelings when another dude could come along that considers her his dream girl. Dude, don't do it in your car! What if she refuses to leave? What if someone sees her crying and calls the cops thinking you are abusing her or something? What if she goes nuts and starts ruining your upholstery? That is a possible, but I can't think of a better option. Honestly I'd rather risk paying to repair my car than to humiliate her in front of other people. Maybe I'm just soft like that. Do you have a better idea? Any other idea besides her actual apartment involve me driving her back because she doesn't really drive so I'm in the same situation. I would say that you don't really owe her a face to face, although it would be nice, since 11 weeks isn't that long. I'm sure you guys weren't super serious at that length. Definitely don't do it by text though. Give her a call when you know she isn't busy. She might ask to meet up or she might hang up the phone and be done with you. If she asks to meet up you can decide then if you'd like to. I dunno, I always feel like a face to face is necessary to me after we've been on 4-5 dates. She seems very serious about the relationship so I think a phone call would be cruel. What are some of the hints she hasn't picked up on to know that you're doubting things? Definitely don't draw it out any longer. I have told my boyfriend if he ever decides he wants out of our relationship.. to end it as soon as possible. I'd rather have a broken heart for awhile and then move on to meet someone who actually wants to be with me. Well, I don't ever call/text her or make plans like I used to, but she always initiates it now, and comes up with plans for us as well. I was trying to distance myself from her last time we hung out and I think she noticed, but she thought I was just being moody. The subtle hints aren't working (or maybe she has noticed and just not confronted them). The drawn out break-up is how I've always been broken up with, and that just sucks. A clean break would be so much better than a looong drawn out mind game. I guess I just need to end it ASAP. I can't meet this weekend, so next weekend it is.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 That is a possible, but I can't think of a better option. Honestly I'd rather risk paying to repair my car than to humiliate her in front of other people. Maybe I'm just soft like that. Do you have a better idea? I already gave you a better idea. Break up with her over the phone. You do not owe her an in-person "talk". You may be thinking that you are doing the right thing by breaking up in person, but in reality, you are just creating a lot of unnecessary drama.
stillafool Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Wow this is reminding me of the late Patrice O'Neal's comic performance I watched last night where he said' "A lot of times a woman loves the man and the man just likes the woman." Anyway, I feel for you because she is going to take the breakup hard. Be prepared to be up all night discussing it if you do it in person. She will not let you go easily. I admire you for wanting to do it in a way to cause her the least amount of pain.
azsinglegal Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I agree with breaking up over the phone. But NOT text or email - that's chickensh*t. Just call her up and be honest. However, when she starts crying and begging you - don't cave. This will be much harder to do then you think. You need to do it NOW though before it gets any closer to Christmas. This is your window. Don't do it in your car, cuz she won't get out. Or a public place (in front of a bunch of strangers). Do it at her apartment, in her room even if her roommate is there. Go to her, don't make her come to you because she might flip out driving home. Don't do it after a date either, that's just wrong. And I wouldn't do the preemptive strike of the "we need to talk" deal...that'll just make her worry for days. Just call her up today and say you no longer want to be in a relationship with her.
freestyle Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 Well,OP, I commend you for taking her feelings into consideration--that's very cool. If you want to sever a tie with someone , what's the kinder instrument to use? A machete, or a butter knife? One delivers a swift and decisive,clean break, the other is slow and agonizing........ (I'm speaking metaphorically, of course.....) The clean break is easier to heal from......... If it's been almost three months of being together, I think it should be done face to face----even if it's hard for you, it shows respect to her.
dasein Posted December 2, 2011 Posted December 2, 2011 I vote for face to face. Be general and refuse any specifics that suggest she is to blame somehow. Avoid cliches like "ILY but not in love," "It's not you it's me," "We can still be friends." "I'm not into the relationship at this point and don't want to continue." is the gist of what you should say. If she is OLD and has other guys interested, don't assume it will be all that hard on her. If she takes it really badly, it's just a maturing experience for her because everyone has or likely will experience being dumped at some time. Do it in her comfort zone, at her place, near there, somewhere that leaves her close to home without lots of travel time. Good luck.
Casablanca Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Ive never had an issue breaking up with someone in a car
lilyblue Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Glad to hear (after an awful experience) some guys actually think about how to kindly break up with someone. I think you're right to want to do it in person and I think the car is fine if you know her roommate is going to be around. Fading hurts and creates anxiety more than anything else for me so I would not suggest that. And do not send her a text that says we need to talk. That just feels awful to get and the anxiety in the days leading up to the talk are so horrible and full of questions that you just wish you could get it over with. I guess my advice to you would be to continue acting as normal as possible until you have the chance to see her and then let her know that it's not working for you.
Author Exactamundo Posted December 5, 2011 Author Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) Glad to hear (after an awful experience) some guys actually think about how to kindly break up with someone. I think you're right to want to do it in person and I think the car is fine if you know her roommate is going to be around. Fading hurts and creates anxiety more than anything else for me so I would not suggest that. And do not send her a text that says we need to talk. That just feels awful to get and the anxiety in the days leading up to the talk are so horrible and full of questions that you just wish you could get it over with. I guess my advice to you would be to continue acting as normal as possible until you have the chance to see her and then let her know that it's not working for you. Yeah I've decided to go that route, not creating extra anxiety for her before it happens. She thinks everything is great so I may as well keep it that way at this point. The actual logistics are hard. If she doesn't want to leave the car after I break the news, I'm not very well going to push her out, so I expect I'd end up in there hours with her crying or angry, and there are no public parking spots, so security would eventually come check up on the guy with the crying girl in his car unless I move around. Maybe the best option would be to go to her place, and ask to talk to her alone in her room or something so it won't be in her roommates face. It's a very small apartment and they share a room, so it'll be awkward either way. At least then I could leave when I felt right about it. Edited December 5, 2011 by Exactamundo
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