Still and in pain.

[RatsAreCool]

It's been three months or so since this guy I was "seeing" decided to break things off with me. It had always been a really up and down situation--on the one hand, we had a guy who ran 3.5 miles to my place and back when neither of us had cars, insisted on taking care of me one night when I wasn't feeling well, ditched his friends all the time to talk to me (sometimes in the middle of hanging out with them at bars), and begging to hang out with me when I was angry at him.

 

On the other hand, we have a guy who went back and forth several times on the idea of getting into a relationship, had a really hard time with the idea of monogamy, and could be a complete jerk to me when he felt like it.

 

I've posted a few times on the topic and if you feel like it you can go back and read what I said. I got a lot of responses on what a bad guy he was and how he was just being a jerk. I just feel like it's not fair of me to think that. He did cry when he broke it off, he did practically beg me to stay friends with him. It was a clear case of the wanting of the cake and the eating of it too--this is obviously what the whole relationship was, he basically wanted all the relationship things without the responsibility, and when that didn't work out he tried the friend thing because he was so separated from reality he thought that that could work out (even though he was obviously still sexually attracted to me). I'm sure he genuinely thought that maybe a few years from now we could have a real shot too, as he said to me twice. Like I said, this is not a guy who deals much with the real world.

 

Anyway, I'm just so confused about what I want to happen and where I should go from here. And I'm still really hurting. I cut off contact with him about a month ago. I tried to ask him one last time to explain what went wrong. I laid out how it looks from my perspective, which is that it looks like he used me. He got angry at me for even suggesting it and signed off im.

 

At first I tried to apologize, but after crying for a few hours, I realized I couldn't keep doing this. I sent him a message saying we could never be OK, deleted him from my phone, deleted him from facebook, and all that jazz.

 

I don't know if he read that message, he frequently doesn't read his stuff on fb. Which is just driving me even more crazy in some ways. "Will he try to contact me again in the future?" "Does he still miss me?" "Does he still think about me?"

 

It seemed obvious when he first broke it off that he still had feelings for me. how could you just let someone go like that? ou know? What is it about me that made that so easy? Does he even care that I'm gone? I feel like he probably does, he still thinks about me all the time and stuff. BUT IF THAT'S TRUE THEN HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID AND SCARED TO LET THAT PERSON GO? How can you be so blind as to take the first girl you've had a real connection with in awhile, the girl you claimed was "perfect" in every way (and he went on and on about how perfect I was when he was drunk several times, even said he loved me), how can you just toss that aside?

 

We fought a lot, but was that really it? I just don't get it. Four days before he broke it off I got mad at him for ditching me and cried and was clearly thinking about breaking it off myself, and he practically flipped out, "No please don't be mad at me, we'll hang out tomorrow, I'll buy you something" (that last bit I found really offensive).

 

I know he never loved me. He said he didn't (sober, drunk was a different story). But I'm the first girl he's had genuine feelings for in 3 years. Even people who knew him said he really did care, and that he felt horribly guilty about what happened.

 

How can feelings just go away? And if they can't, how can you just deny them?

 

I get through my days ok now, I don't break down or anything. But just the littlest trigger still sets me off, and I just don't know what to tell myself. This whole thing was a horrible mistake. I knew it was from the beginning, it's not like I didn't see it. I wanted to make a mistake. Or I thought I did.

 

And now I'm just so hurt and scared and I don't know what to do. And I still feel like there's a good chance this person might contact me again. I don't know how to feel about that either. Maybe I'm just hoping that he will. I don't know.

 

Anything you say would be appreciated. Be nice. And I know it's tempting to give me the old "he wasn't worth it you deserve better" line but I don't think that's really helpful to me right now, since I don't know what it means to "deserve better"--it's not like I was an angel through this whole ordeal--and it just doesn't seem useful.

[RatsAreCool]

It deleted part of my title. I'm annoyed. :-/