Breaking up for the 2nd time - scared he threatened to kill him self first time

[sachamay]

not sure if I should of posted here or second chances...sorry if I got it wrong...

 

I was with SO for 4 years. UP and down relationship, had a lot of issues that we were always going through

 

I finally broke up with him after planning for months as I was scared to do it as he depended emotionally on me, has barely any friends and no family in the country

 

We had no contact for a month then he came bak begging to try again, he had worked out im the one for him, he wants to marry me, etc

 

so I slowly took him back although keeping seperate houses, etc but now after 2 months I realise I really don't want to be with him anymore. I just don't love him enough anymore and what things i Need him to change he will never change because its his personality. i Only really took him back because I can be weak and I felt sorry for him. Big mistake.

 

I dont know how to do it second time around. I have a 4 year old who he has basically adopted and he is around all the time, I know what to say

I just don't know where to do it? he was a mess x 10 first time around and threatened suicide, it was so hard last time but I need to just do it now ASAP this time around. I can't stand being around him and he is trying to organie christmas stuff and im just like leave me alone (in my head)

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Sorry about all this.

 

Can you be his friend?

 

You can still be there for him emotionally, have a nice Christmas dinner, be his friend in the country, etc..since you already have separate houses.

 

Hope you can work it out without it being too awful.

[smudge21]

I've seen this so many times - not just in couples, but with friends, relations, even work, where people just stay in something they're not happy in, simply because they feel if they leave, then the other party will do something stupid.

 

You cannot let others weakness affect you. Sorry for that sounding harsh, but you're like so many people (myself included) who cares a lot for others and hates to see others hurt, often at the expensive of ourselves.

 

I've had to walk away from self destructive people in the past and it's been so hard as you feel so guilty, but the fact is, their lives are not our responsibility. They're adults who have issues - we just happen to the person around who they can project those issues on to, who can be their rock, so to speak.

 

It's really nice to be supportive to others, but there always have to be a cut off point. Once you start being always there for someone, you allow them to give up all responsibility for themselves. In affect, your kind actions end up doing more harm then good. Some times people need to learn to handle their issues on their own.

 

You're clearly not happy and you know what you want to do, what you must do. You being there for him is a sign of your character and it's really nice... but who's there for you?

 

If you really honestly believe he'll do something stupid then he clearly has issues that go beyond your relationship and you're just a catalyst, or a comfort pillow to help him escape from them. He needs to deal with them head on and get his life sorted. If he loves you, then you need to make it clear to him how you feel. Make it clear that you'll be as supportive as you can but he needs to help himself.

 

My recent ex has made some very bad decisions in her life and they kept me close to her for far longer than I should've. I told this to my therapist earlier in the year and her simply response was "it's not your job to take care of her". As hard as it is to accept, that is totally true.

 

Good luck.

[EgoJoe]

This is not the full story. But to comment on what you've posted. You reap what you sow. I would bet money that you took him back for more than the reasons you've said.

 

 

Try telling the truth when you're asking for advice here.

[magro]

Okay, I'm coming from the position of this guy. I was having a really difficult time with adjusting to college, I was (and am) clinically depressed, I isolated myself from my friends, I stopped doing my hobbies and I became emotionally dependant on my ex (she had moved away for college but we were still sorta together)! When she told me she was dating someone else, it pulled the rug out from underneath me and I had a nervous breakdown.

 

Your guy is likely depressed, he might be socially awkward and he might really not know where is path his. All very attractive in a male, I know. But let me tell you the crushing despair and loneliness that all of this brings! Its very difficult to cope with and very hard to wake up day after day after day.

 

If you leave this guy where he is, all bets are off if he wants to harm himself or not. I know that it isn't your responsibility to take care of him or help him. But for the love of god don't throw him to the wind. MAKE him get a therapist MAKE him get out of the house. You have the power in the relationship so you can do that. Once he has some sort of a social support, then drop him.

 

There is no way that this isn't going to end messy, he will likely end up hating you. Don't be his friend, neither you nor he will really want that.

 

After the breakup I was terribly angry and hateful towards the ex. I couldn't help but feel that this person who I had given all this support and love too was throwing me away like I was trash. Logically I knew that this wasn't her responsibilty; she deserved to do what she wanted. But I still hate her and I still will likely never speak to her again.

 

I know this wont make your decision easier, but it does elucidate his mindset and his reactions. And that is something you need to know before you pull any trigger.

[leoc1973]

what really kills a guy is the thought of another man. Just give him a little time and respect before you start dating or at least don't tell him. Usually for a guy to heal in the long run a clean break is best with the healing, you know totally cut off no emails texts all that stuff. However, if you care about this guy you might think about staying friends with him to gradually get rid of him might be better if you really think he would kill himself. But, let him know you have no romantic feelings for him at all. Just seriously give it a few months before you date.

[sachamay]

thanks for your responses

 

for the person who said it wasn't the full story. I honestly just took him back because he wooed me, said all the right things, actions, showed me a side I had been wanting to see for a long time. The sad fact is it was too late and it took me up till now to realise this.

 

I had a chat with him today that I needed a little space and was feeling a bit overwhelmed with getting back together because its not sure what I want. i tried explaining to him that even though we had nice times this second time around I don't think I dealt with the real reasons why we broke up in the first place and I have pushed them aside and now they are creeping back up.

 

He took it quite well, he said he always had a certain guard up getting back together because I never seemed too "sure" around him. I obviously can't hide it that well. He did say a couple nasty things, including that if I break up with him I will regret it for ever and I will never find someone as good as him, etc (I personally dont take this to harshly because my ex of 5 years who i was engaged to said the same thing, and well I dont for one second regret leaving him) he also randomly took his phone out and told me to look at him and took a photo of me looking at him weirdly. He said its so he has a bad photo of me to look at so he remembers the "bad" times and it will stop him sending me any emails or contacting me like he did last time

 

I found this kind of weird but I just kept quiet. I left and told him I would see him in a couple days and talk to him where I am at then. Since then I have had a couple emails and a phone call just him being extra nice but giving me my space. This is important that I notice him being like this because anytime I have tried to leave or ask for space during our whole relationship he suddenly switches on the extra extra nice mode and I know now that that ISN"T him normally and I would fall for it and then afer a week or so he would go back to being his normal self and thats the person I don't like

 

So im too strong now to be fooled by that. I haven't told him my best friend has paid for a trip to leave in a few days for a week for me to get away and clear my head. He would get upset because he was originally going to come with us and I said no due to finances and I told him I wasn't going. He will just have to deal with it though.

 

I really want to be friends with him I really do, I want to be there for him emotionally like a friend should be, and I want to give him hugs to tell him it would be okay, but in all honestly were is the reality to this? He loves me so much and I still love him to some level and def care about him very very much and just because you realise you don't want a future with someone doesn't make it hard dealing with still having feelings for them. I am taking a risk knowing I don't know if I will find anyone else and could of just settled for him but why would I do that to my self?

 

and he has always said he can't do the friend thing, and deep down I probably can't . my biggest fear is him meeting someone else and me realising ive made a mistake. I know its really slim chance of me feeling like that but I just worry sometimes. But in saying that my bigger worry is staying with him because I know I really won't be happy. So I will deal with a smaller worry over a bigger one in order to be happy one day

 

I feel sad right now knowing he is probably sitting at home by him self upset and watching tv. **** im bad, ive got to stop worrying about it. I Have to remember the reason why I am here. I can't force my self to want to be with him

 

thanks guys again. I really appreciate it. One day I will come back on here and go hey! guess what, well ive met my soulmate and I am so happy. I eeally did make the right decision and I finally feel content and clear instead of questioning my love and relationship all the time.

 

That will be nice

[PinkPunkCosmo]

As soon as you mentioned he threatened with suicide for the first break up this should be a red flag, he is selfish and although is hard no one should feel forced to be in a relationship let alone with a person they no longer feel the same for its just not right. It is better to be honest and say that you no longer feel that way on your part which you did and he is just selfish in not respecting your decision then forcing it and making it worse. You need to stand strong suck it up and tell him that it is over you do not feel the same. You need to place your priorities first because regardless either way someone is getting hurt, if you do not tell him and you stay with him out of pity your getting hurt yourself. Just tell him however he reacts its really his problem, you are still willing to be friends with him so its not like your completely abandoning him, you can help him through ( although i would not recommend it since he will be clingy still) He needs to man up and accept it. I know this sounds mean but i can not stand when the person emotionally controls someone by using self-pity that is just wrong, because you are getting hurt in the process and he needs to accept it. It is just not fair for you to be forced in a relationship because he cant let you go. I really hope everything works out he is been selfish. You have to choose, your happiness or his happiness.If its his happiness your only torturing yourself emotionally from something that is no longer there for you. Be strong and decide that you come first and your needs need to be held highly.