Jesskun Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Hello, My girlfriend of 3 months dumped me this last Sunday night. I saw it coming from a mile away, and even though she was thinking it, she would only say that she didn't want to hurt me. I initiated by saying, "So you want to break up?" I felt like the stronger of the two of us until I finally broke down because all she would say is, "I'm sorry." I didn't cry, but I did beg and plead, which I still beat myself up over. I should have had the willpower to respect her decision. The call ended without any mutual resolution. A little background and how I know that we're both to blame - I became too insecure and needy in the relationship and it drove her crazy. However, she never really confronted me about her issues so I never understood why she was frustrated. I felt that I never really had a chance to work on the issues until she'd had enough. She wouldn't compromise or talk through it. The day after the break-up call, I sent her a goodbye message wishing her the best of luck but that I couldn't remain friends with her for the time being. I ended with "Perhaps our paths will cross again someday". I have not had any contact with her since that message. I've unfriended her on Facebook, deleted contact info on Skype, and deleted her phone number. (I still have it elsewhere, just not in my phone where I'll be more tempted to do something awful like drunk dial.) We have many mutual friends, so I've gotten some inside information on how she really feels. One of them even sent me a blog entry that was dedicated to her feelings about the break-up. It was devastating, but in a way it was also enlightening to understand what was going on. She mentioned in the entry that she feels terrible, but if she doesn't feel anything in the relationship other than friendship anymore, what's the point of trying to make it work? In addition to that, ANOTHER mutual friend talked to her directly, trying to understand how far things had gone. He asked her if it was too late and she said "it's too late". So at this point, I've started the slow healing process. I figure that once I've healed, I can do one of two things: 1. Cut my losses and move on. 2. Heal, start enjoying other things, and break no contact after a month or so to reconcile and possibly try and rekindle something. I've made many mistakes and have pushed her even farther away. I'd like to work toward #2, but if it is too late like she says, should I even bother? Thanks for any support or advice you can offer.
betterdeal Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 Aw man, you must be feeling pretty bummed out right now. I think you don't have to make a decision about what you'll do in a month's time right now, but you can by all means set an intention. From what you've said, that would be (if I were you) to be a bit more open and better at communicating when things feel wrong. You felt there was a break up on the horizon, but you didn't bring that up, which is the sort of thing I'm referring to. If it feels wrong, it's worth finding out if it is wrong, if you see what I mean? Whatever intentions you set for yourself, if they can be useful in either scenario 1 or 2 then so much the better, right? Being better able to deal with things when they feel wrong, or to not make the same mistakes you made in the past, well those will both help you have a more successful future relationship whether that's with this woman or a new one. So I'd take a month break, as you've suggested, and do stuff that makes you happy and well, such as exercise, sport, eating well, socialising, planning a vacation, getting ready for a sponsored half marathon - those sorts of things - and put a little bit of time aside to find different ways to handle the kind of difficulties you've identified. Then in a month or so, see how you feel then about reconciling. Even if it doesn't mean getting back together, being on good terms can be a good thing. Good luck, buddy.
Rorschach64 Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 I am going to vote choice #1 because she already has made it clear what she wants and now the only thing that matters if you learning, evolving, and becoming stronger from this experience. I know how you feel about learning and working on your issues then wanting to extend the olive branch once again in hopes of reconciliation but if she is not reaching out before you do then I am willing to bet lots of money that your hopes of reconciliation will be nothing but false hope.
Author Jesskun Posted December 1, 2011 Author Posted December 1, 2011 Thank you both for your replies. Heck, I'm not even sure what I want right now. I'm in pain because I've lost something and I feel obligated to try and fix it because I know that I could have if I had done things differently. As soon as I can forgive myself and just accept this as life experience I think I'll have mostly healed.
betterdeal Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 You're on the right track. Just remember you did the best you could with the skills and information you had at the time. It's a learning experience and there's no such thing as failure - only feedback
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