HUGE crush on my college professor

[loveandfiction]

Hey all! I need some advice about how to approach the forbidden fruit - my professor - after the semester is over.

 

I'm a 21 year old female, and I am hopelessly attracted to my Chinese Religions professor. He's probably 29-32 years old.. it's kind of hard to tell, but he's just smokin', fascinating, brilliant, and I would love to get to know him. The trouble is that I just haven't been able to muster up the courage to just approach him and talk to him. I know he lives close by. I've been sitting at the front of the class for the whole semester and we've exchanged vague glances all along. I catch him looking at me often, and recently, I've been a little more forward with my glances, body language. I have to admit, I do think that he's attracted to me, which makes this even harder. We've had a one-on-one meeting but obviously I couldn't make any sort of move. We've also spoken before but very briefly... I have one way that I could approach him.. before class, he always sits in this lounge area by the classroom that I also frequent. We've seen each other there before, but he's never approached me and I'm just too shy to do anything but smile and wave.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just haven't told anyone about this, so it's all just spilling out. And also, don't worry about the age difference - I'm just getting out of a string of relationships that lasted for 6 years, so I'm exploring my opportunties! ... Anyways, for my main question...

 

I know I should wait until the end of the semester, after grades have been submitted to really do anything. So does anyone have suggestions for how to approach him? I know I just need to be ballsy, but I just need some support! Things to say/do, etc

 

Thanks

 

A

[jobaba]

Hey all! I need some advice about how to approach the forbidden fruit - my professor - after the semester is over.

 

I'm a 21 year old female, and I am hopelessly attracted to my Chinese Religions professor. He's probably 29-32 years old.. it's kind of hard to tell, but he's just smokin', fascinating, brilliant, and I would love to get to know him. The trouble is that I just haven't been able to muster up the courage to just approach him and talk to him. I know he lives close by. I've been sitting at the front of the class for the whole semester and we've exchanged vague glances all along. I catch him looking at me often, and recently, I've been a little more forward with my glances, body language. I have to admit, I do think that he's attracted to me, which makes this even harder. We've had a one-on-one meeting but obviously I couldn't make any sort of move.We've also spoken before but very briefly... I have one way that I could approach him.. before class, he always sits in this lounge area by the classroom that I also frequent. We've seen each other there before, but he's never approached me and I'm just too shy to do anything but smile and wave.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just haven't told anyone about this, so it's all just spilling out. And also, don't worry about the age difference - I'm just getting out of a string of relationships that lasted for 6 years, so I'm exploring my opportunties! ... Anyways, for my main question...

 

I know I should wait until the end of the semester, after grades have been submitted to really do anything. So does anyone have suggestions for how to approach him? I know I just need to be ballsy, but I just need some support! Things to say/do, etc

 

Thanks

 

A

 

Just to let you know, somebody in their young to mid 20s posts a similar thread on this forum about having a crush on a fellow student or teacher or Burger King drivethru attendant about every two or three days since I've been here (not too long). Probably why you're not getting any responses.

 

Anyway, disregarding the student/teacher relationship, you are a female so you have a better chance at success than a guy in the same situation. Ehh...go for it. He's obviously a really good looking guy and an intelligent professional, so your notions that he was flirting with you were probably all in your head, but ... cute young girls always have a chance. Just don't expect that it will end well, whatever happens.

 

These threads kind of depress me. I wish someone in my life had a crush on me like that...

[loveandfiction]

Yeah I should have looked more before posting - thank you for replying though I'll do some further reading. For the record, I'm not expecting anything out of it really, but a coffee date would be nice!

[loveandfiction]

Just to let you know, somebody in their young to mid 20s posts a similar thread on this forum about having a crush on a fellow student or teacher or Burger King drivethru attendant about every two or three days since I've been here (not too long). Probably why you're not getting any responses.

 

Anyway, disregarding the student/teacher relationship, you are a female so you have a better chance at success than a guy in the same situation. Ehh...go for it. He's obviously a really good looking guy and an intelligent professional, so your notions that he was flirting with you were probably all in your head, but ... cute young girls always have a chance. Just don't expect that it will end well, whatever happens.

 

These threads kind of depress me. I wish someone in my life had a crush on me like that...

 

Yeah I should have looked more before posting - thank you for replying though I'll do some further reading. For the record, I'm not expecting anything out of it really, but a coffee date would be nice!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Goodness, you ARE the forbidden fruit in this equation!!!

 

 

(and that's fine!)

 

 

WAIT until near/at the end of semester, and write him a note being very CLEAR of your interest (I'm NOT suggesting extreme vulgarity or any such thing - just writing, no pictures needed). It would probably land best if you pressed it into his hand at the end of class, and then strode out confidently with the expectation that he'll get in touch with you.

 

AS YOU ARE the forbidden fruit, he will need extra clarity to make him 'know' it to be OK for him to pursue you.

 

(and in reality, you're not so "forbidden", but for the teacher-student part - which you will alleviate for not opening the gateway until the conclusion of the semester)

[coffee.girl]

Hi loveandfiction.

 

I don't mean to be a downer, but I think you should tread very carefully here. Firstly, are you likely to have contact with this professor later on in your degree, or is this a one-time class? Secondly, does your college have strict rules on student-professor relationships?

 

There's a blogger who has written quite a few articles on this subject... which I came across when I was in your position. If you're seriously thinking about making a move I suggest you read them, they provide some food for thought!

 

I'll pull out a few key passages:

 

A note on students pursuing former professors

 

"Many of us who are masterful and charismatic in the classroom are stunningly not so when we are out of “our element”. While there’s nothing inherently unethical about a 22 year-old dating her 30 year–old former professor, the chances are pretty damn high that she’s got him on some sort of a pedestal. Up until this point, theirs has been a one-sided relationship; he lectures to a large classroom, she sits and gazes at him. She projects more on to him than he has to her, even if he has “noticed” her in a way that goes beyond the purely professional. The chances of disillusionment on her part are near 100%, though I’ve seen more than one relationship survive that process."

 

"I’ve said a time or nine that older men, younger women relationships are problematic — but not always strictly inadvisable — for many reasons. I’ve pointed out too that most student crushes on professors are less about the desirability of the instructor and more about how that professor makes the student feel about himself (or herself), about ideas, about possibilities for life and the world. But all of this doesn’t mean I don’t think a mature young student can’t ask out a relatively young, eminently single, hot assistant professor. Something interesting will happen no matter what the final outcome."

 

The unintended fallout of professor-student affairs

 

"She told me that while she had enjoyed my classes, and not been unhappy with our relationship outside of class, she was angry that our affair had made it impossible for her to turn to me as a mentor. Claire hadn’t seen me as a “younger man” (we were less than three years apart, after all), but as her professor. I had something she wanted, and what she had wanted most was intellectual validation. I gave her that, but it came wrapped up in a sexual relationship. As a result, she had had a very difficult and painful time trying to decide whether her As were earned, and whether my consistently laudatory feedback was truly deserved.....by having a sexual relationship with her, I robbed her of the chance to bask in the uncompromised praise she had so indisputably earned.....Whatever fleeting pleasure she had derived from our affair had left a lingering hurt in the form of self-doubt."

 

Hope that is somewhat helpful.

[mtber75]

Hey all! I need some advice about how to approach the forbidden fruit - my professor - after the semester is over.

 

I'm a 21 year old female, and I am hopelessly attracted to my Chinese Religions professor. He's probably 29-32 years old.. it's kind of hard to tell, but he's just smokin', fascinating, brilliant, and I would love to get to know him. The trouble is that I just haven't been able to muster up the courage to just approach him and talk to him. I know he lives close by. I've been sitting at the front of the class for the whole semester and we've exchanged vague glances all along. I catch him looking at me often, and recently, I've been a little more forward with my glances, body language. I have to admit, I do think that he's attracted to me, which makes this even harder. We've had a one-on-one meeting but obviously I couldn't make any sort of move. We've also spoken before but very briefly... I have one way that I could approach him.. before class, he always sits in this lounge area by the classroom that I also frequent. We've seen each other there before, but he's never approached me and I'm just too shy to do anything but smile and wave.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just haven't told anyone about this, so it's all just spilling out. And also, don't worry about the age difference - I'm just getting out of a string of relationships that lasted for 6 years, so I'm exploring my opportunties! ... Anyways, for my main question...

 

I know I should wait until the end of the semester, after grades have been submitted to really do anything. So does anyone have suggestions for how to approach him? I know I just need to be ballsy, but I just need some support! Things to say/do, etc

 

Thanks

 

A

 

 

Talk to him after class. Arrange a off hour meeting at his office. I frequently did that when I was in college...Didn't have any crushes on my professors though UGH!

 

Than you can ask him more personal questions and see if he bits:) Good luck!

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm a female professor, and usually have at least one student every semester who has a crush on me. Have been asked out by two of them.

 

If he is a professional, he will find your advances 'charming' and nothing more. If he's that 'hot', he has his choice of women elsewhere without the risks dating you would entail.

 

As for you... You are absolutely risking a recommendation or professional relationship in the future. I don't recommend it.

 

If you cross paths well down the road... maybe close to graduation or afterward, then maybe.... but not while you are still a student at that university. It is very much frowned upon where I work.

 

There are random professors that engage in this... they usually end up being disciplined and/or let go if management finds out. If he is not tenured (if he's that young, he's not), he'd be the biggest idiot on the planet for chasing student tail. No offense. I seriously doubt you are worth losing his career over or jeapardizing his tenure opportunities. Academic jobs are VERY hard to come by.

Edited December 1, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[tigressA]

I'm a female professor, and usually have at least one student every semester who has a crush on me. Have been asked out by two of them.

 

If he is a professional, he will find your advances 'charming' and nothing more. If he's that 'hot', he has his choice of women elsewhere without the risks dating you would entail.

 

As for you... You are absolutely risking a recommendation or professional relationship in the future. I don't recommend it.

 

If you cross paths well down the road... maybe close to graduation or afterward, then maybe.... but not while you are still a student at that university. It is very much frowned upon where I work.

 

There are random professors that engage in this... they usually end up being disciplined and/or let go if management finds out. If he is not tenured (if he's that young, he's not), he'd be the biggest idiot on the planet for chasing student tail. No offense. I seriously doubt you are worth losing his career over or jeapardizing his tenure opportunities. Academic jobs are VERY hard to come by.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

I know two people who had experiences with their professors. However, both professors are significantly older (in their forties), and both have tenure (one is the head of his particular department).

[EasyHeart]

I'm a female professor, and usually have at least one student every semester who has a crush on me. Have been asked out by two of them.

Was either of them named "onegoal"? Edited December 1, 2011 by EasyHeart

[denise_xo]

I'm a female professor, and usually have at least one student every semester who has a crush on me. Have been asked out by two of them.

 

If he is a professional, he will find your advances 'charming' and nothing more. If he's that 'hot', he has his choice of women elsewhere without the risks dating you would entail.

 

As for you... You are absolutely risking a recommendation or professional relationship in the future. I don't recommend it.

 

If you cross paths well down the road... maybe close to graduation or afterward, then maybe.... but not while you are still a student at that university. It is very much frowned upon where I work.

 

There are random professors that engage in this... they usually end up being disciplined and/or let go if management finds out. If he is not tenured (if he's that young, he's not), he'd be the biggest idiot on the planet for chasing student tail. No offense. I seriously doubt you are worth losing his career over or jeapardizing his tenure opportunities. Academic jobs are VERY hard to come by.

 

I also work at a university and agree with everything stated here. I vote leave that one be and find some other fish.

[in_absentia]

I had a bit of a crush on a professor at my university (him 42 me 22) though not in my academic department. We spoke on and off at nothing but 'friends' while I was there, but as soon as it was all wrapped up and I was between receiving my results and graduation, one conversation took a turn for the kinky and we ended up having an awesome six month non-monogamous relationship. That was all I wanted, and he too, but we sure had an incredible time. Things ended when I met somebody I was also seeing but who wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I didn't get hurt, he didn't get hurt and all's well that ends well. So these things can work out, just depends on what you both want out of it. Be careful that he doesn't string you along if you are interested in more than just sex from him, you could get very hurt.

[DirtyDancing]

I have personal experience in this situation. (and I replied to your post on my thread too). I'm mid-twenties, he was my professor and in his early thirties. I spent the entire semester wondering if he was flirting with me or if I was only imagining it. When I caught him staring at me a couple of times, and then he started letting me catch him looking, when I noticed that his whole face lit up when he looked at me, (among other things) I knew. You know my story, but I think the posters here have some good input: it IS unethical in his mind... I am/was? also the forbidden fruit in my situation.. it is kind of exciting, but acting on his desires could cost the professor his reputation and job. And at 21, you are very young. And I'm sure it may be tempting to him but he will need to be extremely cautious.

 

I would say if you haven't already, go for it. (Wait until the grades are in though). Send him an email, that might be best. I said something like: "I really enjoyed talking with you; if you ever want to get a drink sometime, let me know." He responded in 5 minutes and it happened a few days later, but I think my situation was the exception to the rule. I was fully expecting a rejection, even though I knew he was very attracted to me. And he told me in person that he had gotten emails from his former students before, and he had never met any of his former students... so apparently this is a very common situation for young attractive college professors.

 

Things to consider: If you are still a student there and he will be teaching while you are still a student..( I'm in the same situation and this is an obstacle I think). If he's an employed full time faculty, that's an issue, and will you ever take his classes again? If you are planning on taking his classes again, forget it.

[insertnamehere]

While I'm generally the first person to tell you to go for it (I'm male; I had two such relationships, with a teacher in HS and a prof in college) what concerns me about your case is the pedestal problem.

 

Both of my relationships evolved out of proximity. And in both cases I can say I'm still friends with both women. But, I never worshiped them or thought they were the greatest thing ever.

 

The problem with being just sooooo damned impressed with someone else is that healthy relationships eventually require, while not quite equality, certainly some understanding and accommodation for the fact that both parties are human.

 

I've been on the receiving end of the woman who relentlessly adores a guy and frankly I couldn't respect her. It was impossible to have a relationship because there was no exchange. It was just an endless stream of over-the-top compliments. It quickly becomes uncomfortable.

 

If I saw something a little more down-to-earth in your infatuation, I;d encourage you. But, what you're talking about is so pie-in-the-sky that it is going to end badly one way or another.

[bac]

I know I should wait until the end of the semester, after grades have been submitted to really do anything. So does anyone have suggestions for how to approach him? I know I just need to be ballsy, but I just need some support! Things to say/do, etc

 

Thanks

 

A

 

You can learn things about him right now: is he married? does he have a GF? Does he have kids? Is he OK to take risk to lose his job because of sex with a student? Is he a gay? Do you have anything in common with him?

You say him small talk stuff because it does not matter what you say. It matters how you say it and how he responds to you.

 

I had an experience to be rejected by a hot teacher. It was not pleasant to hear that he loved his wife so so much. I doubted he did but he would get into serious troubles because of sex with a student. He was smart and could see a big picture of the situation.