first post... nervous and worried!

[rafb54329]

This is my first post on this site although I have read many others and have seen some similiar situations to mine. My wife and I have been married going on two years and dated a year prior to that. We separated a year into our marriage for abt two months and ended up giving it another try. We have currently been separated for abt two months again for the second time.

I wish I could say what the reasons for the separation were but all I have to go on is what Im being told by her. She says we dont communicate like we should and that I sometimes "check out" and go into my own little world and pay her no attention. I have a higher sexual appetite than she does and she very rarely wants to do anything and never initiates any sort of contact... hugs or kisses or anything... for the reason she says we dont connect and communicate so she has no desire for any of that with me.

I dont deny that im not a perfect man and I do have my flaws. I realize sometimes I do kind of zone out or whatever and do try and make an effort not to do that. The communication thing stumps me at times though. We do talk and go out, shop, go to movies and hang out as much as possible... and I feel like the communication is ok, so its hard for me to understand.

Like I said I know my own faults and at times I feel like all the other stress in everyday life and maybe a false sense of what relationships are really like play a role in her unhappiness. She has three kids form prior relationships and I have two kids that are over every other weekend from a previous marriage. She was married once before as well. It is a lot of work at times and it gets hectic. I know they stress her out. She hates her job and has been on depression medication for alomost a year now.

I cant help but think that all these things play a big part in her unhappiness and a lot of it is pushed onto me as being my fault. Im a good husband to her and I would do anything she asked me to. I did the random flowers and cards and dinners and all that. I dont know where i went wrong. The issue of communication came up before both separations but I can never get her to explain what it is Im lacking in that area so its hard for me to improve. She just says its just not there. Idk what to do anymore. I have been hurt by all this and feel abandoned and like she blames me completely for our failing marriage.

This last separation has been different form the previous one. Very little or no contact. I tried once again to avoid the whole situation of not being together by trying to reason and resolve and do whatever it took to not leave, but it didnt work. There have been trust issues with both of us and I think that played a role in things as well. She felt as if I was trying to control her life and like she never had anything personal in our relationship. I admit I did do some things like checking her email and phone records, but only because I had caught her in lies before about the content of both. We both had access to each others passwords for everything and I was always fine but it later seemed to be a problem for her. Not saying checking on her was right but I did it.... never made much of a big deal abt it until the inappropriate stuff from other men appeared.

I did realize that is no way to live always wondering who and what someone else was doing and that there was no way for me to stop her from doing anything anyway.... so I did stop doing that, but I think my questioning her before made her think I always was doing that and never stopped.

There have been a few issues in our marriage and it def hasnt been easy, but I know I love my wife. Idk if a man will ever understand a woman but the point of me posting this is just to vent a bit and try and explain part of the situation.

I have recently went ahead and had some divorve papers drawn up and we are supposed to meet up tomorrow. The last message I sent her was asking what she was waiting for on signing the papers because I felt all her actions up to this point showed she didnt want to be with me anymore. I tried once again to reason and say things could be different between us if we both put forth the effort and make them better, to just give me a chance to show her I will correct the thing I needed to and would do my part..... and I will, but I dont know if she will or if she can or even wants to do her part and try again. I dont want to divorce. I truly believe we can fix our marriage.

The hard part is accepting that its out of my hands. She sent me a text saying she would meet up with me thursday to sign the papers. I called her and we talked for barely a minute. She is convinced I cant change and nothing will be different if we try again. I disagree.... like I said I know my faults and this separation has been a bit helpful, although hard for me. I will honestly do my part.... but idk if she will give us another try and if so will honestly give me a fair chance without holding a grudge.

Anyway Im just nervous and worried about seeing her again after almost three months and not really knowing what will happen when I do. I dont want to beg her to be with me... but I want to get the point across that things will be different on my end this time. I love her.... there is no doubt in that, but I guess I have to prepare myself for letting her go should it come to that. Sorry if this was to much rambling on... any comments or advice would be helpful. Thanks

[goldengirl86]

Im really sorry to hear about your separation and the pain you must be feeling. It is a hard thing when we want someone and they dont wont us back or feel the same away, its even harder to admit we dont have any control over the situation. You know what your problems are etc, and some of these problems just because you know about them are not just going to disappear, there just going to keep coming back up if you two were to try again, and why put yourselves and your kids back through it all over justs to have all of your hopes dashed again, its too much.!

[rafb54329]

I agree... sometimes it does seem there is no point in trying again. The only problem with that is I have so much love for the woman it kills me to think of letting it go. I honestly think the problems in our marriage can be fixed. It is in my opinion a bunch of childish stuff that shouldnt be there and I for one am ready to let those things go. I believe if we both truly give it a chance and really lighten up and not be so up tight abt certain things it would be better. Idk... like I said I know the things I need to change. I just would like for her to give me a chance to show her. Then if I did my part and nothing was different with her or if she was still unhappy id feel better abt letting it go. I still think its worth a shot though... but not sure if she does. I believe she loves me.... just doubts my conviction to change and might be unaware of some of her own issues that contributed to the situation.