b00 Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now, and I've had a recent (and awful) event that keeps bugging me, even though both of us are happy. We are both pretty young, still living with our parents. Well, I was over at his house, and his brother was in the room with us. His brother started talking about random things to both of us (he was very mad that day and said he was going to go to a strip bar and get high). His brother then asked me, "When did your mom stop dressing you and picking out your clothes?" I answered with, "5 to 7 years old... I think. Sometime when I was young." He then went on with, "I know a 16 year old who's parents still pick out his clothes. And every morning she makes him a bowl of cereal in the morning and sets it out with him. If you were dating someone like this and found it out, what would you do?" I wasn't really thinking, because I didn't really like my boyfriend's brother anyway, and so I said, "That's sick. I'd break up with him." I think if I really encountered something like this, I wouldn't really care. What my boyfriend's brother said I took very seriously and too literally, I think. Later my boyfriend (after his brother had left) was very quiet. I consulted him and asked him over and over to tell me what was wrong. I knew it was something his brother had talked to me/us about (and he talked about A LOT of stuff!). But then I soon found out that when his brother was talking about the 16 year old that has a mother that picks out his clothes was my boyfriend himself. Of course, after me bawling my eyes out in sadness, regret, and anger at myself, I found out that his brother was exagurating a lot, but in the end it was still the same thing. This, of course, does not bother me - the fact my boyfriends mother picks out an outfit occasionaly and buys his clothes. I'm bothered by the fact I'm still saddened about what I said and how it affected my boyfriend. I still choke on tears when I think about it. My boyfriend wasn't mad at me, but he shed some tears because (i'm guessing) he felt like I would break up with him for it (because of what I said to his brother). My head is so clouded with what I've said I don't know how to make myself feel better. Should I really feel THIS bad about it, even though I didn't know his brother was talking about him? I'm not a mean person, and I always think of my boyfriend above anyone, and I would never purposely hurt him. I just feel like I don't deserve him, like I'm a bad girlfriend, etc. Should I do anything about this, or just forget it? It's just really hard for me to handle...
CurlyIam Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 This is nothing! I know lots of guys and girls, much older, by the way, whos mom still oes the same! So what? so they... aren't fashion addicts! Big deal! For instance, my sis is a fashion freak. I swear to God, she's got three times more clothes than any other person I know. I can't say her bf has an outstanding taste in cloths either, I quite suspect some 'mom' touch here and there. She doesn't mind!!!! I mean that's why I love her so much! She is very slim, but doesn't discriminate between her friends, she loves shopping, but doesn'task her bf to "keep up". Some people just need more time to actually like or accept how they look. This is why I think they tend to let other people choose for them. Clothes have to do with image. Don't like yourself and you won't be to crazy about shopping either - from a girl's point of view. Choosing means assuming the result of it. Some guys just don't care. I'd much rather go out with a guys who's more about jeans and T shirt than a guy wh's telling me that my purse clashes with my nail polish!!!
moimeme Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Your conscience is telling you, as it should, that you were too judgmental. Let this discomfort you're feeling be your guide. You've just learned an extremely valuable lesson; jumping to a conclusion and judging someone without knowing ALL the facts is always unfair. Next time, when you think you know what's going on, in stead of jumping to a conclusion, ask more questions. You'll be a much fairer person than most if you do.
amerikajin Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I think this isn't a case of being too judgmental; it's simply a case of speaking before thinking something through. To some extent, you were framed. When your boyfriend's brother was setting it up (shame on him, by the way), he wasn't giving you any context to work with. It wasn't like you were wittingly entering a serious discussion about this. He simply gave you a hypothetical pop quiz...and you (and your boyfriend) got popped. My advice is to try to reassure your boyfriend that your words came out a little improperly. Don't try to lie your way out of it entirely by disowning the opinion outright. I would instead try to add context to it so that he has a better idea of what you meant. And to be honest, don't be afraid to tell him if you think that he should take a look at himself and change his own behavior. I don't think you'd be doing him a favor by disavowing your true opinion. If you think that he's being too much of a momma's boy, then don't be afraid to tell him so. Just tell him that you won't break up with him, that you'll help him progress as a young man. That's what a good girlfriend does, I think.
CurlyIam Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I feel kind of silly now, with my post and everything... Anyway, I was simply curious to know what you're gonna do about this
dudesomewhere Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 well...look at it this way...I do the same thing when I'm dating girls. Why? Scenario, I'm a nice guy...but aint no pushover and certainly no wimp So, knowing for a fact most women like jerks I test them. Yes you can say you don't like jerks but we are talking about women as a whole...generalizing for this sake. So, I'll proceed to paint scenarios for the girl and what type she might like...the smooth talking player types...the womanizers...I do it slick see . Then I bust out with "see that's opposite of me" I'm not like that at all. They get mad of course but why? Just because I'm a super cutie? heheheheh I need some sleep
CurlyIam Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Dude...you're not making any sense . Looove your post, by the way. Now go get some sleep!
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