TheMagician Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Hi folks, new here and thought I'd seek out some fresh perspectives, esp from a female point of view. Long story short, my wife of ten years chose her affair over our marriage, I told her to move out, and we've been separated for three months and are on our way to a divorce once the state minimum six months' separation is complete. In the meantime, I've been seeing a regular counselor and have been taking care of myself, and feel positive and healthy moving forward, and feel like I'm in a good place mentally to date again. The brick wall I've run into is that it seems like no woman wants to get involved with a separated guy. They're evasive when I ask why. Does being separated make one leprous or radioactive? Have separated folks out there found success dating in the midst of a divorce? Thoughts, comments? Edited November 30, 2011 by TheMagician
carhill Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Welcome to LS I asked the same question awhile back. No negative experiences to report and no LTR or real interest in one by myself then or at this juncture. IMO, it's better to heal from the D and get emotionally centered before dating. A clear fear women have is that separation is nebulous, even in cases like yours. They have no way of knowing if your wife really cheated or not. I can count how many MW's told me their H's cheated too and, not insignificantly, a few returned to their cheating spouses. LOL. Good luck
Steen719 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 I am a woman and I would not date a separated man or even one who was recently divorced. I would worry that he might reconcile, might want to reconcile and even if it did not work out..he would want to, have issues to work through related to cheating spouse and just not be ready in general to date. My luck, I would fall for him and then what? No, no and no.
green1038 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 As a woman, I think your problem is this: Other women assume you're not ready for a relationship. Having just come out of a marriage, it makes sense they assume that, even if it's not the case. From that conclusion, they may also think that you're just looking to hook up.
BrettLost Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Hello TheMagician, I too am frustrated here. I am divorced, want to date but am put off by my "new" persona in the dating game. I have baggage now. Steen, I wonder if this is a general consensus among single girls, optioning against the separated/divorced guy. Purely because he may reconcile with his ex....? Or does the whole issue just throw up too many red flags? Green, Not sure if I'm alone, but I'd love a relationship over casual sex. In essence, if there is enough to suggest the M and ur R with ur EX is truly done and dusted, does that not provide evidence of seeking a fresh start within a fresh relationship?
carhill Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 They're evasive when I ask why. Well, some won't come right out and tell you they fear you'll fµck your STBX at the first opportunity she provides since you've been down that path before for many years and they know the power women have over men in that way. Even if there's little emotional attachment, they know men generally don't need emotional attachment to have sex with women and they don't want to take a risk which is obvious and staring right at them. They won't tell you that, generally. Add, in your case, that your wife apparently cheated so they can also figure in that she doesn't respect relationships and they don't want to risk her not respecting any budding R you and any subsequent partner might develop, not because she wants you but just because she can mess things up for you for sport. The good news is that, with some women, attraction overpowers these boundaries and the 'rules' go out the window and they dive into the dynamic head-first. Find one of those if you want to enjoy dating while separated. Like with anything else, it's a numbers game.
Steen719 Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Hello TheMagician, Steen, I wonder if this is a general consensus among single girls, optioning against the separated/divorced guy. Purely because he may reconcile with his ex....? Or does the whole issue just throw up too many red flags? I am older, I have been around the block and I have seen how this works...much as Carhill says. I know there are men who are not still "involved" with their wives, but I would be concerned if they were not even divorced yet, that could be a possibility that cannot be denied. There are women who want so much to be in a relationship, they will jump in with both feet, but I have never been one of those women. I think it is better to date someone who has had the opportunity to work out some of the issues they have been dealing with before I think about anything with them. I am just bring honest here...I just don't see 3 months and still being married as someone who would be ready for dating...but as I said, I am older and have experienced some of this from the other side and found it to be not something I would want. Give yourself some time and get divorced and heal from your wife's infidelity. IMO, you will then find someone who does not need a relationship, but rather someone who wants one.
Neav Posted December 4, 2011 Posted December 4, 2011 I am one of the women who decided to throw caution to the wind and to date a separated but still married man. His wife had left him a year and a half before we met and he was adamant that he wished her well but did not want her back. He’d been dating women after his separation, and for some reason that made me believe I was in the ‘clear’. As the relationship progressed it became more and more apparent that he still had a lot of issues to work through. Unfortunately I had already formed an attachment and hoped I might be the exception to the rule. I fell in love. About a month ago, when we had been seeing each other for seven months, he started divorce proceedings and that is the last I heard of him. He had to call our 'whatever it was' off because he realised he could not fall in love. I honestly don't believe this was about me. The timing of it was just too significant. He had pressed for the divorce as he wanted to get it all over and done with, so he could move on. He was convinced he’d be ‘fine’ with it but there was clearly still a lot of hurt in him he had not addressed and he fell head first into a deep, dark hole. It’s a shame because we may have worked out very well if we’d met a year later. Now we will not be able to have any kind of contact at all. He cannot offer me a relationship and I cannot offer him a friendship. Most people don’t want to become the casualty of someone else’s recovery process. It might seem unfair when you know in your heart that you are through with the person you married, but after only three months of separation I would be very suspicious of your emotional recovery. I obviously don’t know how long you were married for, but I do assume that you married your wife thinking you’d be with her for life. She must have hurt you a lot. If I met someone in your position I would not date him come hell or high water and not necessarily because I thought they might get back with their wife. I just would not believe that they would be truly available to be that vulnerable again to open themselves up to get hurt. Because that is what we have to do when we fall in love. Obviously, I only recently got burnt, but I am still hurting five weeks after the split from something that really was not very meaningful at all compared to a marriage. I think it is only understandable that you want to move on as quickly as possible, but it is not unlikely that you will need a lot more time. As I have just learned the hard way – most of us turn out to be the rule and not the exception. Many women are more cautious than me and don’t actually have to experience this for themselves...
Brokenlady Posted December 5, 2011 Posted December 5, 2011 Carhill is pretty spot-on. Divorce is usually not a linear process, and 3 months is a really short time to be out of a long term marriage. Anyone who has been through a divorce knows that there's often some back and forth, nostalgia sex, etc. Back when I was dating I had a zero-tolerance policy for men without a final divorce, and I still managed to find someone who went back to his ex-wife! If you truly feel you are ready to move on, there's a few things you can do to make yourself more date able- have very firm boundaries with your wife. And dont advertise that the seperation was her choice, not yours ( I'd see the ads on match and these men would rail for paragraphs about how their soon to be ex cheated on them, and I'd immediately delete them, having categorized them as "not over it.) Dating sites are for profiles, not to vomit up all your emotional baggage. And lastly, be patient. Getting upset that you're having trouble finding takers when you are only separated 3 months has a whiff of desperation that isn't helping matters. Women will be more open to dating you the longer your separation lasts and the closer you are to divorce.
OliveOyl Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 You might consider trying to find a separated woman to date. You'll have a commonality and you can provide each other support as you work through similar issues. The relationship might simply be a transitional one but there's nothing wrong with that. The best way to do that is get a personal Geiger counter and you can find other similarly radioactive people. But more seriously, my divorce is final in about a month and I've been dating a separated guy for several months and overall things have been going quite well. I will say the difference is however that I had been separated over a year before I considered dating, and my BF was 1.5 years into his separation when we met. The fact that his STBX also had a BF also helped me feel more secure in dating him.
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